Ch.1 How to Win Friends and Influence People

“IF YOU WANT TO GATHER
HONEY, DON’T KICK OVER THE
BEEHIVE”
On May 7, 1931, the most sensational manhunt New
York City had ever known had come to its climax. After
weeks of search, “Two Gun” Crowley - the killer, the
gunman who didn’t smoke or drink - was at bay, trapped
in his sweetheart’s apartment on West End Avenue.
One hundred and fifty policemen and detectives laid
siege to his top-floor hideway. They chopped holes in
the roof; they tried to smoke out Crowley, the “cop
killer,” with teargas. Then they mounted their machine
guns on surrounding buildings, and for more than an
hour one of New York’s fine residential areas reverberated
with the crack of pistol fire and the rut-tat-tat of
machine guns. Crowley, crouching behind an over-
stuffed chair, fired incessantly at the police. Ten thousand
excited people watched the battle. Nothing like it
ever been seen before on the sidewalks of New
York.
When Crowley was captured, Police Commissioner
E. P. Mulrooney declared that the two-gun desperado
was one of the most dangerous criminals ever encountered
in the history of New York. “He will kill,” said the
Commissioner, “at the drop of a feather.”
But how did “Two Gun” Crowley regard himself? We
know, because while the police were firing into his
apartment, he wrote a letter addressed “To whom it may
concern, ” And, as he wrote, the blood flowing from his
wounds left a crimson trail on the paper. In this letter
Crowley said: “Under my coat is a weary heart, but a
kind one - one that would do nobody any harm.”
A short time before this, Crowley had been having a
necking party with his girl friend on a country road out
on Long Island. Suddenly a policeman walked up to the
car and said: “Let me see your license.”
Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut
the policeman down with a shower of lead. As the dying
officer fell, Crowley leaped out of the car, grabbed the
officer’s revolver, and fired another bullet into the prostrate
body. And that was the killer who said: “Under my
coat is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do
nobody any harm.’
Crowley was sentenced to the electric chair. When he
arrived at the death house in Sing Sing, did he say, “This
is what I get for killing people”? No, he said: “This is
what I get for defending myself.”
The point of the story is this: “Two Gun” Crowley
didn’t blame himself for anything.
Is that an unusual attitude among criminals? If you
think so, listen to this:
“I have spent the best years of my life giving people
the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time,
and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man.”
That’s Al Capone speaking. Yes, America’s most notorious
Public Enemy- the most sinister gang leader who
ever shot up Chicago. Capone didn’t condemn himself.
He actually regarded himself as a public benefactor - an
unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor.
And so did Dutch Schultz before he crumpled up
under gangster bullets in Newark. Dutch Schultz, one of
New York’s most notorious rats, said in a newspaper interview
that he was a public benefactor. And he believed
it.
I have had some interesting correspondence with
Lewis Lawes, who was warden of New York’s infamous
Sing Sing prison for many years, on this subject, and he
declared that “few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard
themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you
and I. So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell
you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the
trigger finger. Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning,
fallacious or logical, to justify their antisocial acts
even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining
that they should never have been imprisoned at all.”
If Al Capone, “Two Gun” Crowley, Dutch Schultz,
and the desperate men and women behind prison walls
don’t blame themselves for anything - what about the
people with whom you and I come in contact?
John Wanamaker, founder of the stores that bear his
name, once confessed: “I learned thirty years ago that it
is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my
own limitations without fretting over the fact that God
has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.”
Wanamaker learned this lesson early, but I personally
had to blunder through this old world for a third of a
century before it even began to dawn upon me that
ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize
themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it
may be.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive
and usually makes him strive to justify himself.
Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s
precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and
arouses resentment.
B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved
through his experiments that an animal rewarded for
good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain
what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished
for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that
the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not
make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
Hans Selye, another great psychologist, said, “As
much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation,”
The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize
employees, family members and friends, and still
not correct the situation that has been condemned.
George B. Johnston of Enid, Oklahoma, is the safety
coordinator for an engineering company, One of his re-sponsibilities
is to see that employees wear their hard
hats whenever they are on the job in the field. He reported
that whenever he came across workers who were
not wearing hard hats, he would tell them with a lot of
authority of the regulation and that they must comply.
As a result he would get sullen acceptance, and often
after he left, the workers would remove the hats.
He decided to try a different approach. The next time
he found some of the workers not wearing their hard hat,
he asked if the hats were uncomfortable or did not fit
properly. Then he reminded the men in a pleasant tone
of voice that the hat was designed to protect them from
injury and suggested that it always be worn on the job.
The result was increased compliance with the regulation
with no resentment or emotional upset.
You will find examples of the futility of criticism bristling
on a thousand pages of history, Take, for example,
the famous quarrel between Theodore Roosevelt and
President Taft - a quarrel that split the Republican
party, put Woodrow Wilson in the White House, and
wrote bold, luminous lines across the First World War
and altered the flow of history. Let’s review the facts
quickly. When Theodore Roosevelt stepped out of the
White House in 1908, he supported Taft, who was
elected President. Then Theodore Roosevelt went off to
Africa to shoot lions. When he returned, he exploded.
He denounced Taft for his conservatism, tried to secure
the nomination for a third term himself, formed the Bull
Moose party, and all but demolished the G.O.P. In the
election that followed, William Howard Taft and the Republican
party carried only two states - Vermont and
Utah. The most disastrous defeat the party had ever
known.
Theodore Roosevelt blamed Taft, but did President
Taft blame himself? Of course not, With tears in his
eyes, Taft said: “I don’t see how I could have done any
differently from what I have.”
Who was to blame? Roosevelt or Taft? Frankly, I don’t
know, and I don’t care. The point I am trying to make is
that all of Theodore Roosevelt’s criticism didn’t persuade
Taft that he was wrong. It merely made Taft strive
to justify himself and to reiterate with tears in his eyes:
“I don’t see how I could have done any differently from
what I have.”
Or, take the Teapot Dome oil scandal. It kept the
newspapers ringing with indignation in the early 1920s.
It rocked the nation! Within the memory of living men,
nothing like it had ever happened before in American
public life. Here are the bare facts of the scandal: Albert
B. Fall, secretary of the interior in Harding’s cabinet,
was entrusted with the leasing of government oil reserves
at Elk Hill and Teapot Dome - oil reserves that
had been set aside for the future use of the Navy. Did
secretary Fall permit competitive bidding? No sir. He
handed the fat, juicy contract outright to his friend Edward
L. Doheny. And what did Doheny do? He gave
Secretary Fall what he was pleased to call a “loan” of
one hundred thousand dollars. Then, in a high-handed
manner, Secretary Fall ordered United States Marines
into the district to drive off competitors whose adjacent
wells were sapping oil out of the Elk Hill reserves.
These competitors, driven off their ground at the ends of
guns and bayonets, rushed into court - and blew the lid
off the Teapot Dome scandal. A stench arose so vile that
it ruined the Harding Administration, nauseated an entire
nation, threatened to wreck the Republican party,
and put Albert B. Fall behind prison bars.
Fall was condemned viciously - condemned as few
men in public life have ever been. Did he repent?
Never! Years later Herbert Hoover intimated in a public
speech that President Harding’s death had been due to
mental anxiety and worry because a friend had betrayed
him. When Mrs. Fall heard that, she sprang from her
chair, she wept, she shook her fists at fate and screamed:
"What! Harding betrayed by Fall? No! My husband
never betrayed anyone. This whole house full of gold
would not tempt my husband to do wrong. He is the one
who has been betrayed and led to the slaughter and crucified.”
There you are; human nature in action, wrongdoers,
blaming everybody but themselves. We are all like that.
So when you and I are tempted to criticize someone
tomorrow, let’s remember Al Capone, “Two Gun”
Crowley and Albert Fall. Let’s realize that criticisms are
like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s
realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn
will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn
us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say: “I
don’t see how I could have done any differently from
what I have.”
On the morning of April 15, 1865, Abraham Lincoln
lay dying in a hall bedroom of a cheap lodging house
directly across the street from Ford’s Theater, where
John Wilkes Booth had shot him. Lincoln’s long body
lay stretched diagonally across a sagging bed that was
too short for him. A cheap reproduction of Rosa Bonheur’s
famous painting The Horse Fair hung above the
bed, and a dismal gas jet flickered yellow light.
As Lincoln lay dying, Secretary of War Stanton said,
“There lies the most perfect ruler of men that the world
has ever seen.”
What was the secret of Lincoln’s success in dealing
with people? I studied the life of Abraham Lincoln for
ten years and devoted all of three years to writing and
rewriting a book entitled Lincoln the Unknown. I believe
I have made as detailed and exhaustive a study of
Lincoln’s personality and home life as it is possible for
any being to make. I made a special study of Lincoln’s
method of dealing with people. Did he indulge in criticism?
Oh, yes. As a young man in the Pigeon Creek
Valley of Indiana, he not only criticized but he wrote
letters and poems ridiculing people and dropped these
letters on the country roads where they were sure to be
found. One of these letters aroused resentments that
burned for a lifetime.
Even after Lincoln had become a practicing lawyer in
Springfield, Illinois, he attacked his opponents openly
in letters published in the newspapers. But he did this
just once too often.
In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious
politician by the name of James Shields. Lincoln lamned
him through an anonymous letter published in
Springfield Journal. The town roared with laughter.
Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation.
He found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse,
started after Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel.
Lincoln didn’t want to fight. He was opposed to dueling,
but he couldn’t get out of it and save his honor. He was
given the choice of weapons. Since he had very long
arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in
sword fighting from a West Point graduate; and, on the
appointed day, he and Shields met on a sandbar in the
Mississippi River, prepared to fight to the death; but, at
the last minute, their seconds interrupted and stopped
the duel.
That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s
life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing
with people. Never again did he write an insulting
letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that
time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.
Time after time, during the Civil War, Lincoln put a
new general at the head of the Army of the Potomac, and
each one in turn - McClellan, Pope, Burnside, Hooker,
Meade - blundered tragically and drove Lincoln to pacing
the floor in despair. Half the nation savagely condemned
these incompetent generals, but Lincoln, “with
malice toward none, with charity for all,” held his peace.
One of his favorite quotations was “Judge not, that ye be
not judged.”
And when Mrs. Lincoln and others spoke harshly of
the southern people, Lincoln replied: “Don’t criticize
them; they are just what we would be under similar
circumstances.”
Yet if any man ever had occasion to criticize, surely it
was Lincoln. Let’s take just one illustration:
The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first
three days of July 1863. During the night of July 4, Lee
began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluged
the country with rain. When Lee reached the Potomac
with his defeated army, he found a swollen, impassable
river in front of him, and a victorious Union Army behind
him. Lee was in a trap. He couldn’t escape. Lincoln
saw that. Here was a golden, heaven-sent opportunity-
the opportunity to capture Lee’s army and end the war
immediately. So, with a surge of high hope, Lincoln ordered
Meade not to call a council of war but to attack
Lee immediately. Lincoln telegraphed his orders and
then sent a special messenger to Meade demanding immediate
action.
And what did General Meade do? He did the very
opposite of what he was told to do. He called a council
of war in direct violation of Lincoln’s orders. He hesitated.
He procrastinated. He telegraphed all manner of
excuses. He refused point-blank to attack Lee. Finally
the waters receded and Lee escaped over the Potomac
with his forces.
Lincoln was furious, “ What does this mean?” Lincoln
cried to his son Robert. “Great God! What does this
mean? We had them within our grasp, and had only to
stretch forth our hands and they were ours; yet nothing
that I could say or do could make the army move. Under
the circumstances, almost any general could have defeated
Lee. If I had gone up there, I could have whipped
him myself.”
In bitter disappointment, Lincoln sat down and wrote
Meade this letter. And remember, at this period of his
life Lincoln was extremely conservative and restrained
in his phraseology. So this letter coming from Lincoln in
1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke.
My dear General,
I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune
involved in Lee’s escape. He was within our easy
grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection
With our other late successes, have ended the war. As it is,
the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If you could not
safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly do so
south of the river, when you can take with you very few-
no more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand?
It would be unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that
you can now effect much. Your golden opportunity is gone,
and I am distressed immeasurably because of it.
What do you suppose Meade did when he read the
letter?
Meade never saw that letter. Lincoln never mailed it.
It was found among his papers after his death.
My guess is - and this is only a guess - that after writing
that letter, Lincoln looked out of the window and
said to himself, “Just a minute. Maybe I ought not to be
so hasty. It is easy enough for me to sit here in the quiet
of the White House and order Meade to attack; but if I
had been up at Gettysburg, and if I had seen as much
blood as Meade has seen during the last week, and if my
ears had been pierced with the screams and shrieks of
the wounded and dying, maybe I wouldn’t be so anxious
to attack either. If I had Meade’s timid temperament,
perhaps I would have done just what he had done. Anyhow,
it is water under the bridge now. If I send this
letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will make Meade
try to justify himself. It will make him condemn me. It
will arouse hard feelings, impair all his further usefulness
as a commander, and perhaps force him to resign
from the army.”
So, as I have already said, Lincoln put the letter aside,
for he had learned by bitter experience that sharp criticisms
and rebukes almost invariably end in futility.
Theodore Roosevelt said that when he, as President,
was confronted with a perplexing problem, he used to
lean back and look up at a large painting of Lincoln
which hung above his desk in the White House and ask
himself, “What would Lincoln do if he were in my
shoes? How would he solve this problem?”
The next time we are tempted to admonish somebody,
let’s pull a five-dollar bill out of our pocket, look at Lincoln’s
picture on the bill, and ask. “How would Lincoln
handle this problem if he had it?”
/
Mark Twain lost his temper occasionally and wrote
letters that turned the Paper brown. For example, he
once wrote to a man who had aroused his ire: “The thing
for you is a burial permit. You have only to speak and I
will see that you get it.” On another occasion he wrote
to an editor about a proofreader’s attempts to “improve
my spelling and punctuation.” He ordered: “Set the
matter according to my copy hereafter and see that the
proofreader retains his suggestions in the mush of his
decayed brain.”
The writing of these stinging letters made Mark Twain
feel better. They allowed him to blow off steam, and the
letters didn’t do any real harm, because Mark’s wife
secretly lifted them out of the mail. They were never
sent.
Do you know someone you would like to change and
regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in
favor of it, But why not begin on yourself? From a purely
selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than
trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous.
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s
roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”
When I was still young and trying hard to impress
people, I wrote a foolish letter to Richard Harding
Davis, an author who once loomed large on the literary
horizon of America. I was preparing a magazine article
about authors, and I asked Davis to tell me about his
method of work. A few weeks earlier, I had received a
letter from someone with this notation at the bottom:
“Dictated but not read.” I was quite impressed. I felt
that the writer must be very big and busy and important.
I wasn’t the slightest bit busy, but I was eager to make
an impression on Richard Harding Davis, so I ended my
short note with the words: “Dictated but not read.”
He never troubled to answer the letter. He simply
returned it to me with this scribbled across the bottom:
“Your bad manners are exceeded only by your bad manners.”
True, I had blundered, and perhaps I deserved
this rebuke. But, being human, I resented it. I resented
it so sharply that when I read of the death of Richard
Harding Davis ten years later, the one thought that still
persisted in my mind - I am ashamed to admit - was the
hurt he had given me.
If you and I want to stir up a resentment tomorrow
that may rankle across the decades and endure until
death, just let us indulge in a little stinging criticism-
no matter how certain we are that it is justified.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are
not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with
creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices
and motivated by pride and vanity.
Bitter criticism caused the sensitive Thomas Hardy,
one of the finest novelists ever to enrich English literature,
to give up forever the writing of fiction. Criticism
drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide.
Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so
diplomatic, so adroit at handling people, that he was
made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his
success? “I will speak ill of no man,” he said, " . . and
speak all the good I know of everybody.”
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and
most fools do.
But it takes character and self-control to be under-standing
and forgiving.
“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by
the way he treats little men.”
Bob Hoover, a famous test pilot and frequent per-former
at air shows, was returning to his home in Los
Angeles from an air show in San Diego. As described in
the magazine Flight Operations, at three hundred feet
in the air, both engines suddenly stopped. By deft maneuvering
he managed to land the plane, but it was
badly damaged although nobody was hurt.
Hoover’s first act after the emergency landing was to
inspect the airplane’s fuel. Just as he suspected, the
World War II propeller plane he had been flying had
been fueled with jet fuel rather than gasoline.
Upon returning to the airport, he asked to see the mechanic
who had serviced his airplane. The young man
was sick with the agony of his mistake. Tears streamed
down his face as Hoover approached. He had just caused
the loss of a very expensive plane and could have caused
the loss of three lives as well.
You can imagine Hoover’s anger. One could anticipate
the tongue-lashing that this proud and precise pilot
would unleash for that carelessness. But Hoover didn’t
scold the mechanic; he didn’t even criticize him. Instead,
he put his big arm around the man’s shoulder and
said, “To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this
again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow.”
Often parents are tempted to criticize their children.
You would expect me to say “don’t.” But I will not, I am
merely going to say, “Before you criticize them, read
one of the classics of American journalism, ‘Father Forgets.’ ”
It originally appeared as an editorial in the People's
Home Journnl. We are reprinting it here with the
author’s permission, as condensed in the Reader’s Digest:
“Father Forgets” is one of those little pieces which-
dashed of in a moment of sincere feeling - strikes an
echoing chord in so many readers as to become a perenial
reprint favorite. Since its first appearance, “Father
Forgets" has been reproduced, writes the author,
W, Livingston Larned, “in hundreds of magazines and
house organs, and in newspapers the country over. It has
been reprinted almost as extensively in many foreign
languages. I have given personal permission to thousands
who wished to read it from school, church, and
lecture platforms. It has been ‘on the air’ on countless
occasions and programs. Oddly enough, college periodicals
have used it, and high-school magazines. Sometimes
a little piece seems mysteriously to ‘click.’ This
one certainly did.”
FATHER FORGETS
W. Livingston Larned
Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little
paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily
wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room
alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper
in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.
Guiltily I came to your bedside.
There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross
to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because
you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took
you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily
when you threw some of your things on the floor.
At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You
gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table.
You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you
started off to play and I made for my train, you turned
and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” and
I frowned, and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders
back!”
Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I
came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing
marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated
you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to
the house. Stockings were expensive - and if you had to
buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son,
from a father!
Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library,
how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in
your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at
the interruption, you hesitated at the door. “What is it you
want?” I snapped.
You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous
plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed
me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that
God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect
could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the
stairs.
Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped
from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me.
What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault,
of reprimanding - this was my reward to you for being a
boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected
too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of
my own years.
And there was so much that was good and fine and true in
your character. The little heart of you was as big as the
dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your
spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night.
Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bed-side
in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!
It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand
these things if I told them to you during your waking
hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum
with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you
laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I
will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a
boy - a little boy!”
I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see
you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that
you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s
arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much,
too much.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand
them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do.
That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism;
and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To
know all is to forgive all.”
As Dr. Johnson said: “God himself, sir, does not propose
to judge man until the end of his days.”
Why should you and I?
PRINCIPLE 1
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.