SS13: The TV Series-Modified

Wankstain: I'd love for a SS13 tv show to be a thing tho
Wankstain: An hour long, enough to cover a round
Wankstain: Each episode covers a different job and antag
Wankstain: Starting with, what else, but the clown as a traitor
Crate Time: The codebase is 'whatever the fuck it needs to be.'
Wankstain: Goon is the codebase.
Wankstain: It's got the most shit
Wankstain: And you could have an overarching plot involving the solarium
Wankstain: With the penultimate episode being about the crew getting it's shit together to do a Solarium run
Crate Time: The captain just announces
Wankstain: And the final episode
Wankstain: The crew has to SAVE THE UNIVERSE
Crate Time: of course most of the gags are background things
Crate Time: be it security beating the shit out of someone
Crate Time: or a borg going mad later in the episode.
Wankstain: Or the clown floating in the background outside
Crate Time: just generally background gags.
Wankstain: Heisenbee reading his storybook to a gathering of bee larva
Wankstain: etc
Crate Time: ye
Crate Time: The Atmos episode
Wankstain: It's just a guy smashing pipes with wrenches
Wankstain: Axing people questions with a fireaxe
Wankstain: And then flooding the station with deathgas
Crate Time: tugging canisters along
Wankstain: Trying to generally be sneaky
Wankstain: Since tugging a plasma can outside of atmos/science
Crate Time: in a big bulky fucking firesuit.
Wankstain: Is going to get you lynched faster then a black person in georgia during the civil war
Crate Time: yeah
Crate Time: I literally got shot by security while dragging BZ to the escape shuttle for endround memes
Crate Time: And I mean shot dead.
Crate Time: because science had their shit together and they had actual guns.
Wankstain: The RD's episode
Wankstain: Is just this
Wankstain: http://sam.wileycomputerworks.com/SS13/Lord_Sing.wav
Wankstain: Animated
Crate Time: The RD doesn't get an episode
Crate Time: they get a short
Wankstain: Yes.
Crate Time: because that's all they really need.
Wankstain: And that short is just
Wankstain: This animated
Crate Time: with some scientist breaking in
Crate Time: in the background
Crate Time: and fucking with the secbuddies
Wankstain: Screaming
Wankstain: "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO"
Wankstain: "NONONOOOOOOOO-"
Wankstain: *RD is in the background screaming ALL HAIL LORD SINGULO*
Wankstain: As in
Wankstain: The scientist is just
Wankstain: Trying to break in
Wankstain: Behind two thick glass airlocks
Crate Time: sounds
Crate Time: great
Wankstain: With the secbuddies flanking him to fucking tackle that assistant
Wankstain: And the secbuddies panic as the assistant starts putting them in
Wankstain: And they fucking _run_
Crate Time: Big fucking exclaimation marks on the screen
Crate Time: basically absolute fucking panic mode.
Wankstain: Just the
Wankstain: "D:" faces
Crate Time: yes
Crate Time: the short ends with the security camera which is the perspective of the short getting sucked in
Crate Time: and cutting to an advertisement.
Wankstain: Nah
Wankstain: The robuddy error screen
Crate Time: because this'll take a commercial slot.
Wankstain: From when the solarium bad ending occurs
Wankstain: Or hell
Crate Time: like most TV shorts
Wankstain: Why not have this BE the SS13 advertisement?
Wankstain: As it cuts to black inside lord singulo
Wankstain: It just shows the SS13 Logo
Crate Time: instead of the robuddy
Crate Time: but still with the error.
Crate Time: Short:Lord_Sing
Crate Time: The shorts are just the wiley soundclips
Wankstain: yes
Crate Time: except one
Wankstain: The Ragin Mages one
Crate Time: where it's the heisenbee video
Wankstain: Since that would deafen the listeners
Crate Time: redone
Wankstain: And the reveal trailer
Wankstain: Is the SS13 audio log one
Wankstain: Done in full acting and shit
Crate Time: yeah
Crate Time: I'de watch it.
Wankstain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHH1vfY6HTA
Wankstain: This one in particular.
Crate Time: yeah
Wankstain: It'd hook audiences in
Wankstain: Like
Wankstain: Imagine you haven't heard of SS13.
Wankstain: You're sitting in the theatre.
Wankstain: Or, well
Wankstain: On YT
Wankstain: And you see this new trailer for a new TV show/netflix original.
Wankstain: "Space Station 13? Sounds interesting."
Wankstain: Then you watch this.
Wankstain: "...Oooh."
Wankstain: Because seriously
Wankstain: This is an awesome af trailer
Wankstain: It just explains everything about SS13
Crate Time: yeah
Wankstain: In a concise manner
Wankstain: And every season finale
Wankstain: Would focus on a specific super antag
Wankstain: The first season, ofc
Wankstain: Would end with the Nuclear Emergency gamemode.
Wankstain: With the episode title simply being
Wankstain: "Nuclear Emergency"
Wankstain: y/y
Crate Time: And ofcourse
Crate Time: it ends with a crash
Crate Time: it starts on Cog 1
Crate Time: but season two moves us on over to Cog2
Wankstain: And every episode
Wankstain: The station is cleaned
Wankstain: Dead crew are cloned
Wankstain: And buisness returns
Crate Time: season 2 ends with a command line
Crate Time: of someone recompiling the game.
Wankstain: Season 2's finale
Wankstain: Is Malf AI
Crate Time: I mean
Crate Time: s1
Crate Time: beacuse gotta swap the map
Crate Time: gotta recompile
Wankstain: And ofc
Wankstain: The seasons end
Wankstain: With
Wankstain: "You wanna put a bangin' donk on it."
Crate Time: Man I'de love to see this shit
Wankstain: S3
Wankstain: Is Clockwork Cult
Wankstain: Vs
Wankstain: Narsian Cult
Wankstain: With the entire season building up towards Narsie's cult...
Wankstain: Only for the penultimate episode to reveal the clockwork slab instead
Wankstain: And the HoS merely goes
Wankstain: "We've got... What... Two cults?!"
Wankstain: Then it just cuts to the title.
Crate Time: 'Wait.... What?
Wankstain: The clockwork cultist asks what's wrong, just before the sec officers lynch him
Wankstain: The sec officers hold their batons in shock
Wankstain: And the next episode fades in to the HoS briefing his men, with the broken, bloodied corpse of the Ratvarian cultist in the corner.
Wankstain: "Alright men, listen up. We've got two cults onboard. Fucking panic. That is all."
Crate Time: clockwork components spread across the table.
Crate Time: lookin' like the HoS had some good shit planned out.
Wankstain: The Warden brings in a box of narsian cultist stuff.
Wankstain: "We've confiscated this stuff from our uh, Prisoners."
Wankstain: "We should test how they react to one another. Chaplain?"
Wankstain: And it just shows the various clockwork/narsian components/items just not working together
Wankstain: Or even outright hitting each other
Crate Time: trying to place a guvax capacitor on a tome just results in a rather large plume of smoke
Crate Time: as both burst into flames
Wankstain: And ofc
Wankstain: Not being able to pick up cultist crap
Wankstain: Is handwaved
Wankstain: In favor of showing the viewer the plot.
Crate Time: yeah
Crate Time: and giving them some visual gags about how they hate eachother.
Wankstain: Inhabited Soulstone + The clockwork brain
Wankstain: Just has their spirits pop out
Wankstain: And they get into a slapfight
Crate Time: This all started because some clever fuck used papa john breadsticks as a prop in an episode of Stargate.
Wankstain: yes
Wankstain: Oh and ofc
Wankstain: The final fight of the episode
Wankstain: Is both cults summoning their gods
Wankstain: AT THE SAME TIME
Wankstain: So the HoS breaks the security team in two
Wankstain: One is lead by him and the Chaplain
Crate Time: Jumpcuts swap to splitscreen at the final molments.
Wankstain: The Warden and a Miner who's loyalty implanted with an Inquisitor's Hardsuit on
Wankstain: And three officers each
Wankstain: As the rest of the crew panics/goes insane
Wankstain: The two fireteams have to work to save the world.
Wankstain: And at the end of it
Wankstain: The Narsian Cultists draw their rune
Wankstain: And spend like five minutes trying to get all nine in position
Wankstain: And the celestial gateway starts opening wider, Ratvar in the distance inside of it
Wankstain: Oh and ofc
Wankstain: The miner has a guardian spirit
Wankstain: Looted from another necropolis chest.
Wankstain: So shit goes JoJo really fast
Crate Time: Lavaland gets it's own short
Crate Time: Short: Ash_Liggers
Wankstain: It's that same miner
Wankstain: But with his guardian spirit
Wankstain: And he's in his explorer's suit fatigues
Wankstain: It's set literally
Wankstain: A minute or two
Wankstain: Before the final episode begins
Crate Time: The penultimate
Crate Time: begins
Wankstain: He and his holopara wage a war against a built up tribe of ashliggers
Crate Time: so they have time to get back to the station
Crate Time: and security
Wankstain: Yep
Wankstain: Inside a necropolis crate after destroying the tendril
Crate Time: cut when they open the chest
Wankstain: He finds merely a bible and an inquisitor's hardsuit.
Wankstain: Inside the bible is a loyalty implanter and a null rod.
Crate Time: jump to a gubbuck being spitroasted.
Wankstain: Ye
Crate Time: with the gear in view.
Crate Time: and a used implanter on the ground.
Wankstain: The Guardian Spirit is turning the handle of the Gubbuckroast
Wankstain: And they're waiting out an ash storm
Crate Time: the miner whistling that one dwarf fort song.
Wankstain: And listening in on a recovered security bowman's headset from the ashligger's loot cave
Wankstain: And when he hears about the cult on it
Wankstain: He stops
Wankstain: And looks to his guardian spirit, who looks back.
Wankstain: They both grin evilly.
Crate Time: grabs their shit, and exits stage right.
Wankstain: And the Miner dons the Inquisitor armor
Wankstain: And the Null Rod shapeshifts into Chainsword form
Wankstain: And the scene ends with the hardsuit helmet engaging.
----
Wankstain: Yes.
Wankstain: (Also fuck I love the inquisitor's hardsuit)
Wankstain: (I just wish it'd be upgradeable with goliath hide)
Wankstain: (And that it'd have a headlamp)
Crate Time: yeah
Crate Time: anyway
Crate Time: back to 'Heil Honey I'm Home 2'
Crate Time: No wait that's the name of the HoS episode
Wankstain: One of the ending scenes of the finale
Wankstain: Is the Guardian Spirit, a standard type
Wankstain: Getting into a rapid-fire punching match with a Juggernaut
Wankstain: JoJo style, ofc
Crate Time: of course
Wankstain: Because ORAORAORAORAORAORA
Crate Time: man
Crate Time: this could never be a show
Crate Time: it'd have to be a netflix original
Crate Time: or a YT series
Crate Time: because this shit would /NOT/ fly with copyright
Wankstain: I imagine if this were a netflix original
Wankstain: Netflix would get
Wankstain: So much goddamn money
Crate Time: yeah
Crate Time: anyway
Wankstain: So both gods are summoned
Wankstain: And the miner and his holopara barely escape.
Wankstain: And they can only watch in horror as two eldritch beings fight for dominance
Wankstain: Then the Miner remembers something he looted.
Wankstain: "Wait, hold on..."
Wankstain: And he digs in his backpack
Crate Time: BoH
Wankstain: And pulls out a fucking pulse destroyer
Wankstain: Massively, massively upscaed
Wankstain: upscaled*
Wankstain: Into a not-BFG 9000
Wankstain: And he just aims and fires
Wankstain: The charging/beeping sound as it charges attracting the two elder gods' attention,
Wankstain: Before their looks change from anger to sheer fucking "OH GOD NO" horror
Wankstain: As a blue beam envelops them both, evaporating them.
Crate Time: the miner just chucks shit out of their BpH looking for it.
Crate Time: sight gag opertunity.
Wankstain: A used lazarus injector
Wankstain: An empty legion soul
Crate Time: a music tape
Wankstain: A bottle labeled "Dragon blood"
Wankstain: Sonic Jackhammer
Wankstain: Clownmask
Wankstain: Grey jumpsuit
Wankstain: The HoS's beret.
Wankstain: etc
Crate Time: a space bee
Crate Time: fully grown
Wankstain: "Oh, I was looking for you."
Wankstain: "Bzzz."
Wankstain: "I'll feed you later, daddy's gotta kill two elder gods."
Crate Time: puts the bee back inside.
Wankstain: yes
Wankstain: Then he finally pulls out the BFG ripoff
Wankstain: ...Fuck
Wankstain: How would we do xenomorphs?
Wankstain: That's REALLY copyrighted
Crate Time: the answer is we don't
Crate Time: because they've played /THEMSELVES/ out
Wankstain: The S4 finale is replaced with Rev.
Crate Time: is it just
Wankstain: A bloodbath
Crate Time: a finale for every large roundtype?
Wankstain: Yes
Crate Time: i'm game
Wankstain: Every round buildup is either extended (AKA Shenanigans)
Wankstain: Traitor
Wankstain: Changeling
Wankstain: Or Traitorling
Crate Time: every season is a mapswap
Wankstain: The final season is back on Cogmap
Wankstain: And it opens with a telescientist finding the solarium
Crate Time: however
Wankstain: Only to get blasted in the back of the head by his assistant with a revolver
Wankstain: "Nobody must learn of this."
Crate Time: yeah that's the cold open.
Wankstain: And the assistant blows his brains out.
Wankstain: Because he learned of it.
Wankstain: Then it pans up
Wankstain: To show the Automaton just staring at what played out.
Wankstain: It shakes it's head, and turns back to face the sun.
Crate Time: zoom into sun
Crate Time: titlesequence.
Crate Time: interjected at the end with a BWOINK
Crate Time: The_Production_Team Announces:
Crate Time: We ran out of maps, sue us.
Wankstain: And the finale episode
Wankstain: Opens with this
Wankstain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebnC_U83TjI
Wankstain: Instead of the normal intro.
Wankstain: With all the scenes, ofc
Wankstain: Reenacted by the actors/animated
Crate Time: yeah
Crate Time: or should we just leave it normal as a reference to the original?
Wankstain: Or it's a "Greatest scenes we've done"
Wankstain: Someof the sprites are copyright
Wankstain: So
Crate Time: right
Wankstain: And the scenes
Wankstain: It'd have to be remade by actors/animators
Wankstain: In the show's style, ofc
Wankstain: The music could probs stay tho
Crate Time: yeah
Wankstain: And the finale is just
Wankstain: A first person horror/survival thing
Wankstain: It's the assistant that killed himself in the first episode.
Crate Time: The solarium ends on the penultimate
Crate Time: the finale is Disaster
Wankstain: He wakes up unconsious in the maintenence shafts, covered in dirt and grime.
Wankstain: And as the crew gathers into the safe zone after surviving the end of reality
Wankstain: They ultimately realize the truth:
Wankstain: They're stuck in a groundhog day situation.
Wankstain: The only way to stop it is to destroy an elder god or themselves.
Wankstain: Either one ends with the groundhog day scenario being fixed,
Crate Time: The elder god is the production team.
Wankstain: But one ends with the universe being annihilated,
Crate Time: because admins
Wankstain: And the other results in the universe being reset to before SS13 was created,
Wankstain: But every being has knowledge of the events that transpired during and after it.
Wankstain: Suffice to say
Wankstain: The crew opts to kill the elder god.
Wankstain: Because they ain't going down without a fight.
Wankstain: And every single antag shows up to try and help the crew.
Wankstain: Even as horrible eldritch monstrocities pour in from the outer dimensions
Crate Time: they get teleported in
Wankstain: The crew gets it's shit together, and the assistant flings himself into the solarium.
Crate Time: by disaster
Crate Time: someone asks
Crate Time: 'Now why the fuck are you here?'
Crate Time: 'Plot convenience.'
Wankstain: "We're here to save the world."
Crate Time: 'Yeah that too I guess.'
Wankstain: Even the normally hostile syndicate nuclear team
Wankstain: Is on the station's side
Wankstain: Giving them immense fire support as the crew retraces their steps
Wankstain: And the assistant charges into the solarium, and calms the automaton down.
Wankstain: Just as the universe seems to be resetting, it stops.
Wankstain: And the King in Yellow appears.
Wankstain: AKA.
Wankstain: "Oh, FUCK."
Wankstain: The Assistant dives for his old corpse
Wankstain: And grabs his revolver, magdumping the last five rounds into him.
Wankstain: Nothing.
Crate Time: magdumps 4
Wankstain: Just as the King in Yellow approaches the prone assistant, ready to devour his soul,
Wankstain: The Solarr Bee intervenes, and beans the King in Yellow on the head.
Wankstain: Solar*
Wankstain: They converse in whatever language the elder things on goonstation say
Wankstain: And then the Lunar Bee and Overbee arrive.
Wankstain: Then Ratvar and Nar-Sie appear on the outside of the Solarium.
Wankstain: Then finally, Lord Singulo.
Wankstain: The Assistant only barely manages to turn his head away as they tear him to shreds, and causes reality to continue restarting.
Wankstain: Fade to white, then fade out.
Wankstain: The Assistant wakes up on an idyllic Earth, set twenty years after the events transpired.
Wankstain: The Syndicate and Nanotrasen agreed on a peace treaty after the universe almost ended,
Wankstain: And vowed to put their plasma researches together for the betterment of Mankind.
Wankstain: The result is a new golden age for man as they expand to the edges of the galaxy.
Crate Time: seems like too nice an ending for a SS13 series
Wankstain: The Assistant looks up at the sky, and sees two familiar blinking dots, and it zooms out to show his face, having grown a smile, and he walks off screen.
Wankstain: And eh.
Wankstain: It's either this or shit goes grimdark really fast and leads into Lifeweb.
Wankstain: I'll gladly take the happy ending over the russian krok addict's wet dream
Wankstain: Besides, after all that shit?
Wankstain: The crew _earned_ eternal peace.
Crate Time: zoom out
Crate Time: BYOND window
Crate Time: Chat:
Crate Time: Medal Unlocked
Crate Time: "Master of Unlocking"
Wankstain: "Unlocked every medal! Way to go!"
Wankstain: "(And you cleared the good ending!)"
Crate Time: "Apply for Star-Trek Status"
Wankstain: The Bad Ending, ofc
Wankstain: Is the entire universe resetting
Wankstain: And everyone forgetting it.
Wankstain: Except for the Assistant
Wankstain: Who just screams audibly.
Crate Time: no
Wankstain: As he has to relive all that shit AGAIN
Crate Time: just replay the cold open of episode 1
Wankstain: Except instead of the clown
Wankstain: It's the assistant waking up in the dorms.
Crate Time: no
Wankstain: And he just looks around him, dead silent for a few moments.
Crate Time: of that season
Crate Time: where they shoot the scientist.
Wankstain: Oh.
Wankstain: Then he realizes what's happening
Wankstain: And just
Wankstain: Drops his gun
Wankstain: And screams audibly
Wankstain: And collapses from shock.
Wankstain: Which is why he finds his gun has five rounds in it.
Wankstain: He literally died from the shock of having to relive it all.
Wankstain: That's how it ties in.
Wankstain: Honk?
Crate Time: brilliant.
Crate Time: that's roughly
Crate Time: 425 lines of chat
Crate Time: so
Crate Time: which gamemodes get a season
Wankstain: A season finale?
Crate Time: yeah
Wankstain: Nuclear Emergency, Cult v Cult (Clockwork and Narsian), Rev, Malf AI, and Disaster
Crate Time: 5 seasons
Wankstain: Disaster is, obvs
Wankstain: The finale
Crate Time: 2 episodes each minimum
Crate Time: how many eps per season
Crate Time: minus the required 2 parters
Wankstain: One round is traitor, another is changeling, one is traitorchan, one is Wizard, and one is Shadowlings
Wankstain: So
Wankstain: 5 Episodes
Wankstain: Oh
Wankstain: And one Extended one
Wankstain: And a Meteor one
Wankstain: So ten episodes a season, total, when you count the twoparter finale
Crate Time: 9
Crate Time: round it out to 10
Wankstain: Enough for every job/role to get a spotlight
Wankstain: With the Assistant being saved for last
Crate Time: with each season starting with an extended round
Crate Time: extra
Wankstain: The Extended Round mostly just
Wankstain: Establishes the station
Crate Time: yeah
Wankstain: The crew personalities
Wankstain: etc
Wankstain: Basically it's just a cozy af episode to watch
Crate Time: so for each seasons
Crate Time: 2 extended rounds, meteor, and the other ones
Crate Time: Each season starts with an extended round except the final one
Crate Time: which gets a short
Crate Time: Short: This Place Again?
Wankstain: The crew just
Wankstain: Audibly groans
Wankstain: Some of them shouting
Wankstain: "WE'VE ALREADY WORKED ON THIS BEFORE WHY ARE WE BACK"
Crate Time: Centcomm comes on the loudspeaker
Crate Time: 'If you want a variety you need to stop destroying the stations we give you.'
Wankstain: "...FAIR POINT."
Crate Time: And of course
Wankstain: "ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR WE'VE HAD TO FIGHT SO MUCH SHIT WE'RE PROBABLY MORE WELL TRAINED THEN EVEN YOUR DEATH SQUAD CORPS, CENTRAL."
Wankstain: "...THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!"
Wankstain: "CAPTAIN YOU MORON"
Wankstain: etc
Crate Time: jojo style to be continued as the death squad crash into the hull.
Wankstain: All of them have holoparas
Wankstain: And one of them gets into a fight with the Inquisitor Miner
Wankstain: So they just have a stareoff
Wankstain: As blood seeps out from under their suits
Wankstain: As their stands fight.
Wankstain: "So, we have the same type of guardian..."
Wankstain: "Yeeeeeeep. Killed two Elder Gods last week. What about you?"
Wankstain: "Oh, killed an ascendant with a supermatter sword after they arrived at Central."
Wankstain: "Cool."
Wankstain: y/y
Crate Time: y
Crate Time: recall the guardians
Crate Time: the two lean against the walls and chat
Crate Time: and become a sightgag later in the season.
Wankstain: Ye
Wankstain: They're seen in the bar sometimes
Wankstain: Occasionally shooting goliaths
Wankstain: etc
Crate Time: just the usual
Crate Time: totally not gay bro team
Wankstain: Ye
Crate Time: dorm scene
Crate Time: both of them just walking past a NO ERP poster.
Wankstain: Disaster round.
Wankstain: He's just looking at a pile of bones and ash
Wankstain: Holding a death squaddie's helmet in his hands.
Wankstain: He just clangs it silently against his own helmet, and begins shaking.
Wankstain: And his Guardian Spirit just looks solemn as well
Wankstain: r8 my depressing writing
Crate Time: 10/10
---
Wankstain: Because this is something that
Wankstain: Realistically
Wankstain: Any sane human would do if their best buddie died
Wankstain: And they had to witness it
Crate Time: yeah
Wankstain: And all that's left was their helmet
Crate Time: and they're back for the happy ending at the end of the episode.
Wankstain: Yep.
Wankstain: They're sitting on a park bench, dressed down to their civvie fatigues
Wankstain: Just chatting
Wankstain: And their guardians are just posing and flexing
Wankstain: Just overall basking in the sunlight
Wankstain: The Clown and Mime are entertaining a bunch of kids at a birthday party
Wankstain: The syndicate strike team are a SWAT team raiding a nearby crack house
Wankstain: etc
Crate Time: basically
Crate Time: world server
Wankstain: Everyone gets a happy ending.
Crate Time: opertunity for a spinoff
Crate Time: SS13 the sitcom
Wankstain: And the finale cuts back to the Captain, his command crew, and Ian on the Bridge of the NSS Destiny
Wankstain: Ready to explore the galaxy in NT's finest ship yet.
Crate Time: SS13: Destiny
Wankstain: And ofc
Wankstain: Ian is wearing the Captain's Cap
Wankstain: And he's the one to engage the Hyperdrive.
Wankstain: "WHY DID YOU LET THE DOG DRIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvv..."
Wankstain: honk?
Crate Time: that's the aftercredit scene
Crate Time: yes
Crate Time: yes\
Wankstain: So the NSS Destiny ends up lost in space
Wankstain: And that spinoff is about them trying to return to known space.
Crate Time: yeah