some more sad shit

“Almost killed myself again today. Thought things were gettin' better, I'm sure feelin' better. But the thoughts snuck up on me, I guess. Almost didn't get outta bed. Went and sat on the roof for a while. Don't think it'd be enough of a fall to kill me. That's why I had the knife. Thought about my life, how it's goin'. Sure, I got a home now. I got someone who loves me. But what happens when I die anyway?

“Someday I'm gonna be gone, and they'll keep goin'. I thought about jump-startin' the cycle so I could maybe come back with a chance. Yeah, I thought about what they'd think about that. I knew they'd flip their shit. Held me back for a long time.

“Then the anxiety kicked in. It's been there since I hopped on the wagon and tried to get myself off the damn drugs. Think I had an attack. Think I... fuck, what's the word... disassociated. Yeah, that's it. Things didn't feel real, I don't think. I dunno, everything's hazy. Like it was a dream or somethin'. I remember I started thinkin' it was, and I remember thinkin' if I did it nothin' would happen, 'cause this wasn't actually happenin'.

“Yeah, well, the pain sure woke me the fuck up outta that. Apparently it was past sundown 'cause they sure did find me quick. Maybe bein' blind is good for somethin', cause... well... I missed. Got myself in the gut when I thought I was aimin' for the chest. She's gone and got good at that healin' stuff, 'cause she stitched me back together. Boy did I get an earful. Yeah, I deserved it.

“Now they got me in the bedroom on some kinda suicide watch. I deserve this too for pullin' a stunt like that. But I swear it didn't feel real when I did it. I'll swear it up and down. Nothin' felt real. Don't think I've ever felt anything like that before. Well, now they went and locked up my machete and they got Fluffinstuff guardin' the door. I'm not gonna try to fight Fluffinstuff. She can rip peoples' hearts outta their chests. I'm not sayin' any of this is unfair. Don't get me wrong.

“I'm not allowed to go to the clinic 'cause Marine says I can't bring 'em there. Know the route by heart but Anya wants me with someone any time I'm out now. And the only other folks I know are the supernatural kind unless I wanna get picked up by the preacher man. No fuckin' thanks.

“Think they both called her, too, and told her. Gonna catch it again when I'm allowed outta this room. So that's just great. Deserve that too. Not sure if I'm allowed out to pee or not. At least the sheets are nice, I guess.”

The blind thief thunked her head against the pillow again as she shut off the tape recorder. It was the only way she could really keep a diary. These sheets were pretty nice, though. But it was all she was really allowed to have right now. That was fine. She didn't feel like moving after the knife to the gut scare. All of this still felt not really real.

She sighed. It really was better this way. She understood why. She just wished it was easier to stop feeling so anxious.

There came a tap on the doorframe. “Are you alright?”

“Fine, I guess... Better than I was earlier.”

“You know why we're doing this, right?”

“Yeah. You're in your rights. I was a dumbass who started thinkin' I was dreamin'.”

“No no no, you're not a dumbass.”

“I dunno, stabbin' myself in the gut is pretty fuckin' dumb. Still feels like I'm dreamin'. But the thoughts are gone. So y'know, there's that.”

“You're not dreaming, you know.”

“Yeah, I realize that now.”

She felt someone sit at the bedside near where she was laying and put a hand on her shoulder. It was cold, made it easy to tell who it was. “Please, please promise me you'll never do that again.”

“I dunno if I can-”

“Promise!”

“I-”

“I said promise!”

“...I promise for as long as I can remember I'm not sleepin'.”

“Thank you. Just... please, come here, I'm never letting you go again never letting you out of my sight again-”

“Hey hey easy, easy.”

“I can't take it easy, you tried to-”

“Are you gonna have another freakout or are you gonna hold me until everything feels real again? 'Cause I need one a lot more than I need the other right now.”

“P-point taken...”

Midnight sighed as, when she felt arms wrap around her, she also heard the gentle hiccups that indicated sobbing.

She supposed it wasn't really much of a big deal to her how soaked with blood this shirt got anyway. Didn't matter what color it was, it was going to be red within the hour.