zerah 2

Zerah 2

ACT 1
Scene 1

There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit.

PRINCE JUN
Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. And throughout the land, everyone was happy… until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night.

Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss… of the handsome Prince Jun.

[enters gallantly onstage]

It was they who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon's keep. For they were the bravest, and most handsome… in all the land.

[looks at the audience]

And it was destiny that their kiss would break the dreaded curse. They alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess's chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her...

[pulls back the curtain to reveal ALOIS in the bed. Gasps]

ALOIS
What?

JUN
Princess... Candy?

ALOIS
No!

JUN
[relieved] Thank heavens. Where is she?

ALOIS
She's on her honeymoon.

JUN
Honeymoon? With whom?


Scene 2
THE SWAMP

ZERAH
It's so good to be home! Just you and me and…

ZORA
[offstage] One is the loneliest number that you ever do… [enters] Two can be as bad as one…

ZERAH
Zora?

ZORA
Zerah! Candy! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Zerah, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Zerah. How 'bout a side of sugar for the mighty Garou?

ZERAH
Zora, what are you doing here?

ZORA
Taking care of your love nest for you.

ZERAH
Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail and watering the plants?

ZORA
Yeah, and feeding the fish!

ZERAH
I don't have any fish.

ZORA
You did. [looks around for the fish]

ZERAH
Look at the time. I guess you'd better be going.

ZORA
Don't you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?

CANDY
Actually, Zora? Shouldn't you be getting home to Jack?

ZORA
Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. He's been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I'd move in with you.

CANDY
You know we're always happy to see you, Zora.

ZERAH
But Candy and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone.

ZORA
Say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.

ZERAH
Zora!

ZORA
OK, are we there yet?

ZERAH
No.

ZORA
Are we there yet?

CANDY
No!

ZORA
Are we there yet?

ZERAH
Yes.

ZORA
Really?

ZERAH
No!

ZORA
Are we there yet?

ZERAH & CANDY
No!

ZORA
Are we there yet?

ZERAH
[mimics] Are we there yet?

ZORA
That's not funny. That's really immature.

ZERAH
That's not funny. That's really immature.

ZORA
This is why nobody likes Prometheans.

ZERAH
This is why nobody likes Prometheans.

ZORA
Your loss!

ZERAH
Your loss!

ZORA
I'm gonna just stop talking.

ZERAH
Finally!

ZORA
This is taking forever, Zerah. There's no in-flight movie or nothing!

ZERAH
The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Zora. That's where we're going. Far, far...[softly] away!

ZORA
All right, all right, I get it. I'm just so darn bored.

ZERAH
[groans] Are we there yet?

CANDY
[chuckles] Yes!

ZORA
Oh, finally!

ALL exit


SCENE 4
FAR FAR AWAY (CASTLE ENTRANCE)

MESSENGER
Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Candy and her new husband.

ZERAH and CANDY enter off-stage left.

KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right.

CANDY
Well, this is it.

KING
This is it.

MESSENGER
This is it. [exits]

ZERAH
[chuckles] So...you still think this was a good idea?

CANDY
Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us.

KING
Who on earth are they?

QUEEN
I think that's our little girl.

KING
That's not little! That's a really big problem. Wasn't she supposed to kiss Prince Jun and break the spell?

QUEEN
Well, he's no Prince Jun, but they do look…

ZERAH
Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now let's go before they light the torches.

CANDY
They're my parents.

ZERAH
Hello? They locked you in a tower.

CANDY
That was for my own…

KING
Good! Here's our chance. Let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.

QUEEN
Edgar, we have to be…

ZERAH
Quick! While they're not looking we can make a run for it.

CANDY
Zerah, stop it! Everything's gonna be…

KING
A disaster! There is no way…

CANDY
You can do this.

Both parties begin moving toward each other

ZERAH
I really…

KING
Really…

QUEEN
don't...

ZERAH
want...

CANDY
to...

KING
be…

ZERAH
Here!

CANDY
Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my husband… Zerah.

ZERAH
Well, um...It's easy to see where Candy gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously]

ZORA enters shaking off a GUARD

ZORA
[off-stage] What do you mean, "not on the list"? Don't tell me you don't know who I am. [enters] What's happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. I had the hardest time getting into this place.

KING
No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go!

CANDY
No, Dad! It's all right. It's all right. She's with us. She helped rescue me from the dragon.

ZORA
That's me: the mighty Garou.

ZERAH
Oh, boy.

QUEEN
So, Candy, tell us about where you live.

CANDY
Well...Zerah owns his own land. Don't you, honey?

ZERAH
Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and…

ZORA
[laughing] What? I know you ain't talking about the swamp.

KING
A Promethean from a swamp. Oh! How original.

QUEEN
I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children.

ZERAH and KING cough involuntarily

ZERAH
It's a bit early to be thinking about that, isn't it?

KING
Indeed.

QUEEN
Edgar!

ZERAH
What's that supposed to mean?

CANDY
Dad. It's great, OK?

KING
For his type, yes.

ZERAH
My type?

KING
I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be…

ZERAH
Prometheans, yes!

QUEEN
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Right, Edgar?

KING
Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don't eat your own young!

CANDY
Dad!

ZERAH
No, we usually prefer the ones who've been locked away in a tower!

CANDY
Zerah, please!

KING
I only did that because I love her.

ZERAH
Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle.

KING
You wouldn't understand. You're not her father!

QUEEN
Edgar!

CANDY
Zerah!

ZERAH
Candy!

KING
Candy!

CANDY
Mom!

QUEEN
Edgar…

ZORA
Zora!

CANDY exits crying


SCENE 5
STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY

CANDY enters, she hears the voice of EMILINE

EMILINE
Your fallen tears have called to me. So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily…

Both gasp

EMILINE
Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're all grown up.

CANDY
Who are you?

EMILINE
Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy godmother.

CANDY
I have a fairy godmother?

EMILINE
Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm here to make it all better. With just a wave of my magic wand, your troubles will soon be gone. For example, how about a sporty carriage to ride in style, with a sexy man-boy chauffeur named Jeff?

JEFF enters

CANDY
Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but…

ZERAH enters

ZERAH
Candy? Candy.

CANDY
Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother… I'd like you to meet my husband, Zerah.

EMILINE
Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen?

CANDY
Zerah is the one who rescued me.

EMILINE
But that can't be right.

ZERAH
Oh, great, more relatives!

CANDY
She's just trying to help.

ZERAH
Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.

CANDY
What? I don't want to leave. When did you decide this?

ZERAH
Shortly after arriving.

CANDY
Look, I'm sorry…

EMILINE
No, that's all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me… happiness...is just a teardrop away.

ZERAH
Thanks, but we've got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy…

EMILINE
So I see. Let's go, Jeff.

CANDY
Very nice, Zerah.

ZERAH
What? I told you coming here was a bad idea.

CANDY
You could've at least tried to get along with my father.

ZERAH
I don't think I was going to get Daddy's blessing, even if I did want it.

CANDY
Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?

ZERAH
Sure. Do you want me to pack for you?

CANDY
You're unbelievable! You're behaving like a…

ZERAH
Go on! Say it!

CANDY
Like a Promethean!

ZERAH
Here's a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not...I am a Promethean! And guess what, Princess? That's not about to change.

CANDY
I've made changes for you, Zerah. Think about that. [exits]

ZORA
That's real smooth, Zerah. "I'm a Promethean!"

JUN
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert...I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower…

EMILINE
Mommy can handle this. They endure blistering winds and scorching desert! They climb to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower...And what do they find? Some gender-confused Ventrue telling them that their princess is already married.

KING
It wasn't my fault. They didn't get there in time.

EMILINE
Edgar. [GUARD reaches into his pocket] You’ve forced me to do something I really don't want to do.

KING
[gasps] What is that? What have you got there?

GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to EMILINE

EMILINE
My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili rings…

JUN
I'll have the Medieval Meal.

EMILINE
One Medieval Meal and, Edgar… Curly fries?

KING
No, thank you.

EMILINE
Sourdough soft taco, then?

KING
No, really, I'm fine.

EMILINE
Nothing else thanks. [hangs up] We made a deal, Edgar, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.

KING
[sighs deeply] Indeed not.

EMILINE
So, Candy and Jun will be together.

KING
Yes.

EMILINE
Believe me, Edgar. It's what's best. Not only for your daughter...but for your Kingdom.

KING
What am I supposed to do about it?

EMILINE
Use your imagination.

ACT 2
SCENE 1
AT A PUB IN THE WOODS

KING
enters. A woman (HEATHER) is cleaning a glass with her
back to the audience.

KING
[clears throat] Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm looking for the Scylla.

HEATHER turns around to reveal herself

KING
Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of.

HEATHER
Who's the guy?

KING
Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um... He's a Promethean.

HEATHER
Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There's only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly...he don't like to be disturbed.

KING
Where could I find him?

HEATHER points to the dark corner of the room

KING
Hello?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Who dares speak to me?

KING
Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but I'm told you're the one to talk to about a Promethean problem?

VOICE
You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money.

KING
Would... this be enough? [holds up a heavy satchel of coins]

VOICE
You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this Promethean.

SCENE 2
CASTLE

ZERAH is alone reading CANDY’s diary.

CANDY
(offstage) Dear Diary… Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can't go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I'm going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I'm old enough, my Prince Jun will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we'll all live happily ever after. Mrs. Candy Jun. Mrs. Candy Jun. Mrs. Candy Jun.

A knock on the door

KING
Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

ZERAH
No, no. I was just reading a, uh… a scary book.

KING
I was hoping you'd let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier.

ZERAH
Okay…

KING
I don't know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over…

ZERAH
Look, Your Majesty, I just…

KING
Please. Call me Dad.

ZERAH
Dad. We both acted like Prometheans. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other.

KING
Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Candy. Shall we say, by the old oak?

ZERAH
Sure.

Fade out

SCENE 3
IN THE FOREST

ZERAH
Face it, Zora! We're lost.

ZORA
We can't be lost. We followed the King's instructions exactly. "Head to the darkest part of the woods...""Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches." The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!

ZERAH
We passed that three times already!

ZORA
You were the one who said not to stop for directions.

ZERAH
Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Candy's dad and I end up lost in the woods with you!

ZORA
Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to help.

ZERAH
I know! I know. I'm sorry, all right?

ZORA
Hey, don't worry about it.

ZERAH
I just really need to make things work with this guy.

ZORA
Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with Daddy.

ZERAH hears purring

ZERAH
Well, well, well, Zora. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring?

ZORA
What? I ain't purring.

ZERAH
Sure. What's next? A hug?

ZORA
Hey, Zerah. Donkeys don't purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a…

ROSCOE ORTIZ enters

ROSCOE
Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare!

ZERAH
Look! A little cat.

ZORA
Look out, Zerah! He got a piece!

ZERAH
It's a cat, Zora. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here.

ROSCOE scratches ZERAH’s outstretched hand

ROSCOE
Now, ye Promethean, pray for mercy from...Roscoe... Ortiz!

ZERAH
I'll kill that cat!

ROSCOE
Ah-ha-ha! [coughs, wheezes, retches, coughs, chuckles] Hairball.

ZORA
Oh! That is nasty!

ZERAH
What should we do with him?

ZORA
Take the sword and neuter him.

ROSCOE
Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers…

ZERAH
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Candy's father paid you to do this?

ROSCOE
The rich King? Sí.

ZERAH
Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.

ZORA
Don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.

ZERAH
Maybe Candy would've been better off if I were some sort of Prince Jun.

ROSCOE
That's what the King said. Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.

ZORA
Zerah, Candy knows you'd do anything for her.

ZERAH
Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just... I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone… "Happiness. Just a tear drop away." Zora! Think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you!

ZORA
Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata, anyway?

ZERAH
No, Zora! I need you to cry!

ZORA
Don't go projecting on me. I know you're feeling bad, but you got to [Roscoe steps on her foot] Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of…

JEFF enters with a cart

JEFF
Fairy Godmother is away from desk or with a client. But I can help you with your ‘Happiness problems’ [yawns]

EMILINE enters and Jeff stands up straight very quickly

EMILINE
Jeff, I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Why aren’t you [notices ZERAH] What in Grimm's name are you doing here?

ZERAH
Well, um, it seems that Candy's not exactly happy.

EMILINE
Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question as to why that is? Well, let's explore that, shall we? Abby. "Lived happily ever after." No Prometheans! Luka. A handsome prince. Oh, no Prometheans. Sleeping Beauty. No Prometheans! Leon and Noel? No! Gerel? No. the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No, no, no! You see, Prometheans don't live happily ever after.

ZERAH
All right, look, lady!

EMILINE
Don't you point...those dirty green sausages at me!

JEFF opens the cart to get a soda and ZERAH notices the potions

ZERAH
Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Emiline.

EMILINE
I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now. You’ve got me all worked up. [exits]

ZERAH looks at JEFF, smiles, then knocks him out.

ZORA
Zerah, are you off your nut?

ZERAH
Zora, quiet and keep watch.

ZORA
Keep watch? Yeah, I'll keep watch. I'll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I'll laugh, too. I'll be giggling to myself.

ZERAH opens the cart and passes potions to ROSCOE

ROSCOE
Toad Stool Softener? Elfa Seltzer? Hex Lax?

ZERAH
Help me find "handsome."

ROSCOE
Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"?

ZERAH
Well, what does it do?

ROSCOE
It says "Beauty Divine."

ZERAH
That'll have to do. She’s coming back. Go, Zora!

ALL exit. EMILINE enters, with JUN following after.

EMILINE
What happened here? Jeff! Clean this up.

JUN
Mother!

EMILINE
This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working.

JUN
Whoa, what happened here?

EMILINE
The Promethean, that's what!

JUN
What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me!

EMILINE
Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still going to be gender-indeterminate ruler. We'll just have to come up with something smarter.

JEFF
Pardon. Um...Everything is accounted for, Miss Emiline, except for one potion.

EMILINE
What? [looks in the cart] Oh...I do believe we can make this work to our advantage.

SCENE 4
THE ROYAL CASTLE

QUEEN
Try to at least pretend you're interested in your daughter's wedding ball.

KING
Honestly, Clover, I don't think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball?

CANDY
Mom. Dad.

KING
Oh, hello, dear. What's that, Roswell? Right! Coming.

CANDY
Mom, have you seen Zerah?

QUEEN
I haven't. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He's a little slow this morning.

ROSWELL
Can I help you, Your Majesty?

KING
Ah, yes! Um...Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish?

ROSWELL
That would be the dog's breakfast, Your Majesty.

KING
Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Roswell.

CANDY
Dad? Dad, have you seen Zerah?

KING
No, I haven't, dear. I'm sure he just went off to look for a nice... mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night.

CANDY
Oh. You heard that, huh?

KING
The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be...well, a bit of a brute.

CANDY
Him? You know, you didn't exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon.

KING
Well, what did you expect? Look at what he's done to you.

CANDY
Zerah loves me for who I am. I would think you'd be happy for me.

KING
Darling, I'm just thinking about what's best for you. Maybe you should do the same.

SCENE 5
FOREST

ZERAH
[reading the potion] "Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine." You both will be fine? I guess it means it'll affect Candy, too.

ZORA
Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o' voodoo and let's get out of here.

ZERAH
It says, "Beauty Divine." How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes]

ZORA
See, you're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!

ZERAH
Well, here's to us, Candy.

ZORA
Zerah? You drink that, there's no going back.

ZERAH
I know.

ZORA
No more wallowing in the mud?

ZERAH
I know.

ZORA
No more itchy butt crack?

ZERAH
I know!

ZORA
But you love being a Promethean!

ZERAH
I know! But I love Candy more.

ZORA
Zerah, no! Wait!

ZERAH drinks the potion. There’s a long pause then...he farts

ZORA
I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.

ROSCOE
Maybe it's a dud.

ZERAH
Or maybe Candy and I were never meant to be. [Thunder cracks and he passes out]

ZORA
Zerah!

Black out. Fade in CASTLE INTERIOR. CANDY enters with her luggage.

KING
There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling?

CANDY
Dad...I've been thinking about what you said. And I'm going to set things right.

KING
Ah! Excellent! That's my girl.

CANDY
It was a mistake to bring Zerah here. I'm going to go out and find him. And then we'll go back to the swamp where we belong.

QUEEN
Candy, please! Let's not be rash, darling. You can't go anywhere right now.

Thunder cracks again and CANDY collapses

KING
Candy!


ACT 3

SCENE 1
IN THE BARN – MORNING

JAX
Good morning, sleepyhead. I love your kitty!

ZERAH
Oh... My head…

JAX
Here, I fetched a pail of water.

ZERAH
Thanks. Uhh! [sees his reflection in the pail] Aahh! A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I'm... I'm…

JAX
Gorgeous! [moves in closer] I'm Jax. What's your name?

ZERAH
Um... Zerah.

JAX
Zerah? Wow. Are you from Europe?

ZERAH looks around confused

JAX
You're tense. I want to rub your shoulders.

ZERAH
Have you seen my fox?

ZORA enters and, after parading around a bit and talking near-endlessly about her new Crinos body, begins studying ZERAH, followed by ROSCOE

ZORA
Wow! That's some quality potion, Zerah! What's in that stuff?

ROSCOE
"Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. Not intended for heart patients or those with... nervous disorders."

ZERAH
What?

ROSCOE
Señor? "To make the effects of this potion permanent, the drinker must obtain his true love's kiss by midnight."

ZERAH
Midnight?

ZORA
Why is it always midnight?

JAX
Pick me! I'll be your true love!

ZERAH
Look, lady, I already have a true love.

JAX
Oh…

ROSCOE
Take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess.

ZORA
And let's face it. Even though you are a lot easier on the eyes, inside you're the same old mean, salty…

ZERAH (simultaneously)
Easy.

ZORA
...cantankerous, foul, angry Promethean you always been.

ZERAH
And you're still the same annoying fox.

ZORA
[Bashful] Yeah.

ZERAH
Well...Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me.

ZORA
First things first. We need to get you out of those clothes.

JAX gasps

SCENE 2
THE CASTLE GATES

GUARD
Halt!

ZERAH
Tell Princess Candy her husband, Sir Zerah, is here to see her.

CANDY wakes up as a human and looks at herself in the mirror. She
screams

ZERAH
Candy!

CANDY
Zerah?

ZERAH runs into CANDY’s room as CANDY runs down to the castle gates. EMILINE enters the room just before ZERAH, she is cloaked.

ZERAH
Candy?

EMILINE
Hello, handsome.

CANDY
Zerah!

ZORA
Princess!

CANDY
Zora?

ZORA
Wow! That potion worked on you, too?

CANDY
What potion?

ZORA
Zerah took some magic potion. And well… Now, he’s sexy!

CANDY
[looking at ROSCOE] Zerah?

ROSCOE
For you, baby... I could be.

ZORA
Yeah, you wish.

CANDY
Zora, where is Zerah?

ZORA
He went inside looking for you.

ZORA and ROSCOE exit.

CANDY
Zerah?

ZERAH
Candy! Candy!

EMILINE
[blocks his exit with her wand] Are you going so soon? Don't you want to see your wife?

JUN enters

JUN
Candy?

CANDY
Zerah?

JUN
Aye, Candy. It is me.

CANDY
What happened to your voice?

JUN
The potion changed a lot of things, Candy. But not the way I feel about you.

KING and QUEEN enter

QUEEN
Candy?

KING
Jun?

JUN
[showing off outfit] Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you'd approve.

QUEEN
Um... Who are you?

JUN
Mom, it's me, Zerah. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Hugs CANDY]

ZERAH
Candy! Candy!

EMILINE
Candy, Candy! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don't think they can hear us, pigeon. [sighs deeply] Don't you think you've already messed her life up enough?

ZERAH
I just wanted her to be happy.

EMILINE
And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She's finally found the prince of her dreams.

ZERAH
But look at me. Look what I've done for her.

EMILINE
It's time you stop living in a fairy tale, Zerah. She's a princess, and you're a Promethean. That's something no amount of potion will ever change.

ZERAH
But...I love her.

EMILINE
If you really love her… you'll let her go.

ZERAH leaves

SCENE 3
HEATHER’S TAVERN

HEATHER
Here you go, boys.

ROSCOE
Just leave the bottle, Heather.

HEATHER
Hey. Why the long face?

ZERAH
It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.

ROSCOE
I hate Mondays.

ZORA
I can't believe you'd walk away from the best thing that happened to you.

ZERAH
What choice do I have? She loves that pretty… gender-neutral thing, Prince Jun.

ZORA
Come on. Are they really that good-looking?

SISTER
Are you kidding? They’re gorgeous! They have a face that looks like it was carved by angels.

ROSCOE
Oh. They sound dreamy.

ZERAH
You know...shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better. Look, guys. It's for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Candy gets the person she's always dreamed of. Everybody wins.

ZORA
Except for you. I don't get it, Zerah. You love Candy.

ZERAH
Aye. And that's why I have to let her go.

KING enters in a cloak, at the back of the tavern.

KING
Excuse me, is she here?

GUARD
She's, uh... in the back.

KING
Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Jun.

EMILINE
You'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Edgar.

KING
Well, I'm afraid Candy isn't really… warming up to Prince Jun.

JUN
FYI, not my fault.

EMILINE
No, of course it's not, dear.

JUN
I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I'm that dreadful Promethean?

KING
No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?

EMILINE and JUN
What?

KING
You can't force someone to fall in love!

EMILINE
I beg to differ. I do it all the time! [pulls out a magical potion from her bag] Have Candy drink this and she'll fall in love with the first person she kisses, which will be Jun.

KING
Umm... no.

EMILINE
What did you say?

KING
I can't. I won't do it.

EMILINE
Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. Is that what you want? Is it?

KING
No.

EMILINE
Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Jun's hair before the ball. They’re hopeless. They’re all high in the front. They can never get to the back. You need someone to do the back.

JUN
Oh. Thank you, Mother.

ZORA
Mother?

EMILINE
The Promethean! Stop them! Stop them!

The guards grab ZERAH, ZORA and ROSCOE and all exit

SCENE 4
IN THE CASTLE

The KING enters with a pair of tea cups. He pours the poison into one of them, just before CANDY enters.

KING
Darling? Ah. I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball?

CANDY
I'm not going.

KING
The whole Kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage.

CANDY
There's just one problem. That's not my husband. I mean, look at him.

KING
Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You'd be surprised how much I changed for your mother.

CANDY
Change? He's completely lost his mind!

KING
Why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? You might find you like this new Zerah.

CANDY
But it's the old one I fell in love with, Dad. I'd give anything to have him back. [reached for one of the tea cups]

KING
Darling. That's mine. Decaf. Otherwise I'm up all night.

CANDY
[drinking from the other cup] Thanks.



SCENE 5
THE DUNGEON

ZORA
I got to get out of here! I got to get out of here! You can't lock us up like this! Let me go! What about my Miranda rights? You're supposed to say I have the right to remain silent. Nobody said I have the right to remain silent!

ZERAH
You HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

ROSCOE
I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.

BENDER
Zerah? Zora?

ROSCOE
Too late.

ZERAH
Anya! Bender! Get us out of here!

ANYA
Quick! Tell a lie!

BENDER
What should I say?

ZERAH
Anything, but quick!

ANYA
Say something crazy like, "I'm wearing ladies' underwear!"

BENDER
I’m wearin’ ladies' underwear.

ZERAH
Are you?

BENDER
I most certainly am not! [his nose grows]

ZORA
It looks like you most certainly am are!

BENDER
I am not!

ROSCOE
What kind?

ANYA
[looking in the back of BENDER’s inner workings] It's a thong!

BENDER
Oww! They're briefs!

ANYA
Are not.

BENDER
Are too!

ANYA
Here we go. Hang tight. [picks the lock with BENDER’s nose]

ZERAH
Okay boys! We've got to stop that kiss!

ZORA
I thought you was going to let her go.

ZERAH
I was, but I can't let them do this to Candy.

ZORA
Boom! That's what I like to hear. Look who's coming around!

BENDER
It's impossible! You'll never get in. The castle's guarded. There's a moat and everything! [nose shrinks back down]

ANYA
Folks, it looks like we're up void creek without a Horrorterror.

ZERAH
Don’t worry guys, I have a plan. To the castle!

SCENE 6
THE ROYAL BALL

ROYAL MESSENGER
Ladies and gentlemen. Presenting Princess Candy and her new husband, Prince Zerah.

AUDIENCE applauses, cheering. JUN begins waving and encouraging the audience

CANDY
Zerah, what are you doing?

JUN
I'm just playing the part, Candy.

CANDY
Is that glitter on your lips?

JUN
Mm. Cherry flavored. Want to taste?

CANDY
Ugh! What is with you?

JUN
But, Muffin Cake…

CANDY gets fed up and turns to leave, JUN looks at EMILINE for help.

EMILINE
[Sotto Voce] Play something! Now! [turns to the AUDIENCE] Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to dedicate this song to… Princess Candy and Prince Zerah.

JUN
Candy, my Princess. Will you honor me with a dance?

AUDIENCE
Dance! Dance!

CANDY
Since when do you dance?

JUN
Candy, my dearest, if there's one thing I know, it's that love is full of surprises.

[Holding Out for a Hero begins to play as Zerah storms the castle.]

OUTSIDE THE BALL
All right, fellas! Let's crash this party!

GUARD
Halt right there!

ANYA
Make me!

GUARD grabs ANYA by the collar

ANYA
Not the scarf!

ZORA and ROSCOE grab the GUARD

ZORA
Go! Go! Your lady needs you! Go!

ZERAH exits

ROSCOE
Today, I repay my debt.

GUARD yells and is chased offstage by ROSCOE. ZORA, BENDER and ANYA FOLLOW

ZERAH
Stop! Hey, you! Back away from my wife.

CANDY
Zerah?

EMILINE
You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone.

ZERAH
Pinocchio! Get the wand!

BENDER runs for the wand but gets zapped along the way. His ‘BENDER’ nose is gone.

BENDER
I'm a real boy!

ALOIS barges in and blows the wand out of EMILINE’s hand, ANYA picks it up and accidentally zaps BENDER, his wooden nose appears again.

BENDER
I'm a real boy. Aah! Oh.

EMILINE
That's mine!

ROSCOE and ZORA enter

ZORA
Pray for mercy, from Roscoe...Roscoe and Zora!

EMILINE
She's taken the potion! Kiss her now!

JUN kisses CANDY

ZERAH
No!

JUN and CANDY look at eachother longingly, ZERAH is heartbroken.

CANDY
(headbutting JUN) Hya!

ALL gasp

ZERAH
Candy.

CANDY
Zerah.

ZERAH and CANDY embrace

EMILINE
Edgar! You were supposed to give her the potion!

KING
Well, I guess I gave her the wrong tea.

JUN
[snatching the wand and tossing it back to EMILINE] Mommy!

CANDY
Mommy?

EMILINE
I told you. Prometheans don't live happily ever after.

EMILINE tries to zap ZERAH but KING grabs the wand. They both disappear.

CANDY
Oh, Dad! [sobbing]

BENDER
Is he...?

ANYA
Yup. He croaked.

Croak sound can be heard. CANDY picks up a frog.

QUEEN
Edgar?

CANDY
Dad?

KING
I'd hoped you'd never see me like this.

ZORA
And he gave you a hard time!

ZERAH
Zora!

KING
No, no, he's right. I'm sorry. To both of you. I only wanted what was best for Candy. But I can see now… she already has it. Zerah, Candy… Will you accept an old frog's apologies… and my blessing?

QUEEN
Edgar?

KING
I'm sorry, Clover. I just wish I could be the man you deserve.

QUEEN
You're more that man today than you ever were… warts and all.

Clock chimes

ROSCOE
Boss! The Happily Ever After Potion!

ZERAH
Midnight! Candy. Is this what you want? To be this way forever?

CANDY
What?

ZERAH
Because if you kiss me now… we can stay like this.

CANDY
You'd do that? For me?

ZERAH
Yes.

CANDY
I want what any princess wants. To live happily ever after, [ZERAH leans in to kiss her but she stops him] with the Promethean I married.

ROSCOE
Whatever happens, I must not cry! You cannot make me cry! [sobs]

Clock chimes. Flashing lights, as the crowd gathers round and reveals the Promethean ZERAH and CANDY

ZERAH
Now, where were we? Oh. I remember.

Fade out. Spotlight on ZORA.

ZORA
Hey! Isn't we supposed to be having a fiesta?

FANFARE, set to the tune of Livin’ La Vida Loca. After the credits sequence, there is a brief scene after the party where Zora is found by Jack, who is followed by a flock of literal flying foxes, setting up the sequel hook for the next movie.

END