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- >You are Anon.
- >You wake up to your alarm clock.
- >The sun is shining through your window.
- >You got a good, normal night's sleep.
- >You are not gagged or bound.
- >There is nothing in your ass.
- >There is no sign of Fluttershy.
- >Could this acually be...a normal day?
- >You aren't ready to believe it yet.
- >You take a huge diarrhea dump, expecting the whole time to be interrupted by Yellowquiet.
- >You decide you'll shower and shave later, even though you haven't showered in like three days and you have a Shaggy beard.
- >You look around your kitchen to see what you've got for breakfast.
- >Hmmm...this cinnamon bun looks tasty.
- >But you know what excess sugar does to your stomach...
- >Ah, fuck it, you're NEET, who cares if you make yourself sick for a day.
- >You sit down on your sofa chair instead of at your table.
- >You are suddenly struck by a freaky memory...something to do with your sofa chair and a gun...and...
- >Nope, it's gone now.
- >Must have just been a dream.
- >Maybe your whole, miserable existence in Equestria is just a dream.
- >Wouldn't that be something.
- >Or maybe it's like the Matrix.
- >Who cares, you're about to eat.
- >You bring the sugary sweet up to your mouth and right when you bite in...
- >*DING DONG!*
- >Goddamnit.
- >You drop your breakfast and storm over to your front door.
- As you open it you say, "Fluttershy, please--oh."
- >In front of you is a white-haired unicorn levitating a large book with magic.
- >If you weren't straight, you'd say he was pretty handsome.
- >He said, in a sing-song voice, "Hello! My name is Elder Splits! And I would like to share with you the most amazing book!"
- "NOPE."
- >You slam the door on him and sigh.
- >You didn't even know they had Mormonism in Equestria.
- >SUddenly Fluttershy falls out of your freezer.
- >The fuck?
- >"Oh...hey Anon...it's chilly in there..."
- "How long were you in there, Fluttershy?"
- >"Long enough."
- >She seemed odd.
- >Then again, she was always odd.
- "So I see you haven't drugged me today. Maybe we're finally edging our way to a better relationship."
- >"I don't need drugs today Anon."
- "No? Then why are you here?"
- >"Because I know."
- "Know what?"
- >"I know your--"
- >BAM! She was interrupted by a gunshot.
- >What the actual fuck
- >Since when did they have guns in Equestria?
- >That made you remember that weird dream again, this time you saw Fluttershy holding a...sniper?
- >No, no, it was a shotgun!
- >Whatever. This is probably one of Pinkie Pie's pranks.
- >BRATATATATATAATTATATATATATATA!!!
- >That sounded like a machine gun.
- >Holy shit.
- >Seriously, what is going on?
- >You open your door to look outside, and suddenly a frag grenade lands at your feet.
- >Oh shit.
- "FLUTTERSHY, GET DOWN!"
- >You both dive into the living room and the grenade blows away half of your house, leaving rubble and fire everywhere.
- >Wait, why are you helping save this bitch's life?
- >It doesn't matter.
- >Apparently somehow, war has broken out in Ponyville.
- >You hide behind some debree and notice that it's all the unicorns who have guns.
- >They must be magic guns.
- >Fucking magic, always fucking shit up.
- >So what is this, a civil war?
- >Well, looks like all that firing range practice may finally come in handy.
- >You sneak under your bed and pull out a silver box with a combination lock on it.
- >7777. *Click!* It opens to reveal an M1911 handgun.
- >Almost like the one in that weird dream you keep remembering...
- >Shut up brain. It's do or die.
- >Finally, something exciting and life-threatening that wasn't started by Fluttershy...as far as you know.
- >You aren't afraid of death.
- >If you're gonna go down, you're gonna go down fighting.
- >And maybe you'll manage to take out a good 30 ponies, and they'll erect a statue of you while you chill in your own personal slice of pony Heaven.
- >Fuck it, you might as well be nice to Fluttershy in her final hours.
- >Death will be such a sweet release.
- >That sounds kinda suicidal, but whatever.
- >You see a watermelon stand by the side of the street.
- >You run over to it, holding your gun, and beckon Fluttershy to follow you.
- >She is not scared shitless for some reason. That's weird.
- >You peak your head out from behind cover and fire a few shots at a pegasus over by a street sign. You manage to hit him three times in the chest.
- >He falls over and dies immediately, a puddle of blood forming around his limp body.
- >This scares off another pegasus who was behind a mailbox.
- >But who threw the grenade at you?
- >Now is a good time to be angry, Anon.
- >Your anger will give you strength in warfare.
- >Besides, aren't humans supposed to be dominant over goddamned horses?
- >You should be a regular one-man-army.
- >Fluttershy simply looks around the side of the stand and says, "Oh my..."
- >Everything seems clear now...
- >*BANG*! A sniper shot cracks through the air and blows up a watermelon right next to your head.
- "Shit! Fluttershy, we have to run if we want to stay alive!"
- >"Okay, but first I have to tell you something in case we don't make it!"
- "No, my fetish is not watermelons getting shot by snipers!"
- >"I know it isn't!"
- "What?"
- >"I know what your real fetish is, Anon."
- "Yeah, sure. Let's run!"
- >"Consesnsual."
- "Huh?"
- >"Sex."
- "Fluttershy, come on, we're running out of time, he's gonna reload!"
- >"In."
- "Shut up, goddamnit!"
- >"The missionary."
- "Oh no..."
- >"Position!"
- "WROOONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG, haha you're wrong yet again!"
- >"FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF PROCREATION!"
- "Oh shit..."
- >Suddenly time froze.
- >Your penis got hard.
- >The clouds parted, and sunlight sparkles on Fluttershy.
- >For the first time you just want...'
- >You want to fuck the shit out of her, with passion.
- >She smiles at you sweetly.
- >She finally did it.
- >She guessed your fetish, perfectly.
- >But HOW?
- >It didn't matter.
- >The rape games were over.
- >You would likely be together forever now.
- >At least if time didn't unfreeze and you both didn't get your torsoes blown to bits by that goddamn sniper.
- >"I incited this war, Anon."
- "What?!? Why!"
- >"To make everything more exciting!"
- >Okay, so she was still a psycho.
- >You realize the sniper had revealed himself right before time froze.
- >You stand up and hit him in the skull with five bullets.
- >You're a damn good shot.
- "I think we're safe now!"
- >"NOW will you do me?"
- "Uhhh...later!"
- >"Why? Why not right now, right here?"
- >She leaned in to kiss you but you pushed her away.
- "We need to get to a safer place before we make love for the first time, Fluttershy! Out of this warzone!"
- >"I understand."
- >Suddenly a familiar voice came down from the sky. "Wait."
- >It was...Celestia?
- >"Congratulations, Fluttershy. You've finally done it."
- "Done what?"
- >"She has fulfilled her destiny."
- "Her destiny was to successfully guess my fetish?"
- >"Yes!"
- "Wow. Uh...okay. What happens now?"
- >"She becomes an alicorn!"
- "WHAT?!?"
- >Fluttershy intervened. "Your majesty, I don't really want to be an alicorn."
- >"Too bad! As a matter of fact, all your friends are going to become alicorns!"
- >You literally pull hair off of your head.
- "NOOO! I thought I just got the happy ending! What is this?!? What is my life?!?"
- >All the other main six appear around you, in enlarged alicorn form.
- >They are ugly as fuck.
- >Wait a sec, Rarity is still just a unicorn.
- >Rarity says, "Um, your highness, I think you forgot..."
- >Celestia shot her an angry look and barked, "WHAT?"
- >"You forgot to make ME an alicorn!"
- >"No I didn't. YOU don't get to be one."
- >"WHY?"
- >"Because you suck. You are worst pony."
- >"That's a subjective opinion!"
- >"Okay fine, you get to be an alicorn too. But just so the Rarifags don't piss themselves."
- >Rarity turned into an alicorn, and Fluttershy too.
- "This is all wrong...this is never what I wanted..."
- >"YOU get a very important choice, Anon."
- "What?"
- >"You can stay here and mate with Fluttershy, or I can open a portal that sends you back to earth, forever."
- "You can do that?"
- >"Of course, I just didn't tell you."
- "Wow."
- >"What'll it be? I have to unfreeze time soon, so hurry up."
- >You look at Fluttershy. The look in her eyes is begging you to stay with her.
- >But...
- >No...
- >You can't be a part of this...
- >This alicorn nightmare...
- >This horror...
- >This wasn't how it was supposed to be...
- >What happened to individuality and equality?
- >Fuck this gay Equestria.
- "I choose to go HOME."
- >Fluttershy burst into tears. "NO, ANON, NO PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO!"
- "I'm sorry, Fluttershy. You really did try hard to win me over. But I can't take this alicorn bullshit. I'm done. I want to go home, and forget. Forget everything. Forget ever being a part of this. The ride may not end, but I'm getting off of it."
- >Fluttershy lunged at you but Celestia pushed her back with magic.
- >"Very well, Anon. But...there is a twist."
- "What twist?"
- >"You'll find out when you get home." Celestia snickered.
- >The portal appears, and you anxiously step through it. Suddenly...
- >
- >You are on earth.
- >It is WW2.
- >You are looking Hitler in the face.
- >Suddenly you realize how weak and frail and short you are.
- >Hitler smiles and points a gun at you.
- "OY VAY!"
- THE END.
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