Things to do 1999 part 2 by Jon Huggins

Things to try this Week

1)After a hectic week at work and/or school, why not try winding down a notch or three by visiting Huddersfield University’s health and fitness centre? On arrival, a large busty woman will grab you by the feet and shake you upside down until she has £50 from your pocket and then throw you into a changing room. You will be forced to remove all of your clothing and sit on an undersized exercise bike with a McDonalds Quarter-pounder with Cheese meal with large coke and a sweet and sour sauce hung in front of your head by a fishing line and forced to pedal – thus providing the whole of West Yorkshire and the Shetland Isles with electricity for light and other electrical appliances.

2)Do you ever watch downhill skiing on the TV and find it extremely exciting and fun to watch? Even though it is really cold in Yorkshire, there still isn’t any snow. Therefore you may find wearing roller skates and/or blades and riding down a near vertical rocky hillside a tempting thought. You can provide an ‘added twist’ to the sport if you get bored after maybe one or two rides downhill by using not flags but instead some form of farm animal such as cows. Or some sheep. Or even pigs. Be advised to take a mobile phone with you in case you are involved in an accident and have to ring for emergency assistance from the ambulance or fire brigade because you are stuck inside a small farm animal or something.

3)Are you fat? If so, you could help to save lives this week when the annual Sweat Donation comes to town. All fat people will be made to form an orderly queue and forced to run a distance of 3 metres, where a skinny man in a bright blue tank top with glasses will extract some of the sweat from the underarms in your shirt and from your socks and give you a Cadbury’s Curly Wurly bar or a pie in return for your effort.

4)Do you eat cream crackers? Are you related to anybody that eats cream crackers? Do you know of a shop or supermarket that sells products of a cream cracker nature? If so, not only could you be entitled to a government grant but also a free t-shirt that clearly states that you eat cream crackers or know somebody that eats cream crackers or you know of a shop that sells cream crackers. You must be aware that if you take this government grant and t-shirt offer you are legally obliged to wear this t-shirt at all times wherever you are and whatever you are doing else Ken Dodd will pay you a visit and tickle you with his tickle stick while forcing you to eat four cream crackers within a minute. For charity.

5)Do you have long hair? If so, then this week is the week to contemplate having it chopped off. The bald dwarves association (Huddersfield branch) registered charity no. 88431954365A are offering a bald female dwarf for sex or milk to anybody that contributes a Sainsbury’s plastic shopping bag full of real human hair. Please note that the Welsh farmer who supplied us with 4 tons of FAKE human hair that is actually horse hair last year must return the 7,897 bald female dwarves we supplied him with in full. This is due to the fact that we can tell the difference between real human hair and horse hair now that we have got some actual human hair with which we can compare it with. DO NOT TRY TO PULL THE WOOL OVER OUR EYES AGAIN.

6)Christmas. Its near approaching that time of year again soon, and this year it will be no different. People will employ the use of decoration some 2 or 3 months before the 25th of December and Santa Claus is expected to deliver presents to the fireplaces of many young children all over the world. But what about all the young children across the world that do not have their own fireplace? I’ll tell you about these young children. They are forced to live in holes underground, with nothing but a birthday candle that relights when you blow it out, in a joke kind of fashion. They eat nothing but Dandelions and Caviar. THIS IS AN UNSTABLE DIET. So this week, why not try getting together with 5 or 7 mates, not 6, and build a large fireplace, bigger than any known to man, ever. This will enable these poor young children that live in holes underground to have their own fireplace to which their presents can be delivered. This will solve the world peace problem, and also fix the hole in the Ozone Layer.

7)Why not write as many swear words as you can on a piece of paper, take it to your local print shop and enlarge it to A1 size. Purchase about 400 – 500 copies of this, and proceed to poster the walls of the shops in your nearest town centre. At night. Drinking lager. Shouting “I am the king of swearing. I am more awesome than any man that has ever sworn before. Even Jesus.” It should not take long before you are arrested and thrown into a prison cell where you can have a good nights’ sleep and a half (well, quarter) decent breakfast. For free. At the expense of HM the Queen. And the taxpayers.