Quotes from around the gaming table

What's that gonna do about the naked half-elf?
I own Virginia - You're vaporized!
+3 Chainsaw of bloody dismemberment?  I'm in!
I've already been electrocuted once today.
You've been attacked by a waterbed?!?
So we're just... stripping the bodies?
Stop teasing the barbarian.
I wish I was intelligent so I could have some skill points.
Can you find it in your <"treasury"> to help us?
"I think we would get killed if we did that."  "But there's two of them."  "Then we would get killed twice."
How much blowing up are we talking about here?
"Do not repeat verses of Barnacle Bill."  "Why not?"  "Do you know different verses than I know?"
What's unspeakable...oh...wait.
I'm the singing, dancing, Broadway druid.
If you ever encounter a shark, punch it in the nose.  They hate that.
“So how thick is this wall anyway?”  “8d6 thick.”
Something has me…I can’t see it…and it’s burning a little.
I’m sworn to moderate poverty.
A voice from the bottom of the dark stairway whispers up, “It’s not a death trap”.
I’m the slowest of all of the people going on 27.
I’m a master of the Arcane and the Covert.
Up is always up, it’s which way is down that you have to be careful of.
During the night everything goes fine, except that Gaul dies.
I’ll cast invisibility on Mr. Clanky here.
He’s pretty badly hurt but he’s not worried about the birds scratching his eyes so much as the towering columns of fire.
What are the other symptoms, besides death?
I’ll tell you where the pressure plate is…  I’m standing on it.
“I’ve never hired adventurers before.”  “Don’t worry.  We’ll walk you through it.”
Hey, I mean he was throwing spitballs at me.  I had to flame-strike him.
“Jesuit priests make great-” ”-Antipaladins”.
I charm person on myself…I love me.
Its alignment is “Chaotic I Hate You”.
“What’s the name of your team?”  “5000 GOLD PIECES.”
Everyone knows what you do when you see a tear gas grenade…roll high.
You’re both the good cop and the bad cop.
“Do you give Pedro the memo?” “You mean the one to tell him to make sure the car blows up?”
“You hear someone coming around the corner.” “SOMEONE’S COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Apparently you took a level in Stupid.
“Don’t make me shoot you!” “Who are you trying to intimidate, the DM or the NPC?” “Whatever works.”
“Stop and we’ll shoot!” “Stop and you’ll shoot?” “Well, it would be easier if you stood still…Okay, hold your fire, he’s running.”
This guy failed Evil Genius School.
What’s the worst that could happen?
“Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Flamestrike.”
“How do you tell if a drow is good or not in the first 10 seconds?”  “Maren, this isn’t one of your sick, sexual jokes is it?”  “Devian, mom said you’re not supposed to think about me like that, anymore.”
You lot go on ahead.  I’ll keep killing them until it sticks.
Stupid Halfling – he stuck his head in the sand.
“This reminds me of my last date…I had to hack through her underarm hair with a kukri.”  “At least it wasn’t fighting back.”
Orcus, Orcus, he’s our man.  If he can’t kill us, no one can.
“Aaahh!!!!  There’s like 162 of them in there.”  “Dude, you’re a spider.  There’s 6 of them.”
“Are there any obvious guards?”  “Nope.”  “How about unobvious guards?”
“I can trip people up, I can take their weapons, I can-” ”-set them on fire”.
“You’re gonna see three people that are different from anything you’ve ever seen before.”  “Well, I once saw a chinaman …Yup, this is definitely stranger than that chinaman.”
Famous Last Words:  “You can’t do that!  You don’t know the command word!”
“Just because I’m visible doesn’t mean they can see me.”
“I cast ‘Hold Intestines’!”
“What do you know about channeling?”  “nothing.”  “What do you know about magic?”  “nothing.”  “What do you know about astrophysics?”  “Everything <bwahahahahah-like>.”
When last we left our gallant crew, they were back at the archipelago.  But you guys…
We’re in the eye of a hornado.
“YESSS!!!!!!”  “What happened?”  “Someone told Eryn she could go on a killing spree.”
“BAM!!!” “Your head explodes.”  “Roll a new one.”
“They’re surface people.  I don’t know what surface people look like.  I’m surprised they have arms.”
“Tearing someone’s arms off and using them as a weapon against them:  brilliant!!!”
“They’re trying to shield us every round, but they’re failing ‘cause we’re so awesome!”
“You think something’s funny?”  “Did you see me laughing?”  “Yeah, I did.”  “Well then, there’s your answer.”
“Alright, roll your knowledge: babies check if you want to…”
“Put a harden air around your head so he can’t cut it off.”
“The sun is green, you’re all 8th level, and anyone from Krypton loses their superpowers.”  “Damn, there goes my superman weave.”
In the frozen wasteland:  Gaul falls off, starts making snow angels and whistling show tunes.
“Fail your move silently roll.”  “Damn, I rolled a 20.”  “Uhp, you’re moving silently.”
DM:  “What’s the average roll for 40D6?”
“You’re ta’veren.  The world could fall on you and you would crawl out from underneath it perfectly fine.”  “Yeah, probably with a gold trinket.”  “The world fell on me, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
“I cast ‘Summon Derek’s Character’.”
“We could blow the door open with a fireball…”  “But maybe the door won’t open to a fireball, and then we would be cooked.”  “… …Good point.”
“Maybe we’ll open the door and find Wights.”  “Maybe we’ll open the door and find ourselves.”  “Except that us-us will look like Wights to them-us.”
I need to know how much more of this you can take.  Tell me a specific number and round it to the nearest d6.
“Dude…your pants…”
Age and treachery always defeats youth and exuberance.
“…And busting through the wall of the university, a giant man shaped like a jug of red liquid says, ‘Oh Yeah!!’”
Drow…the other dark meat.
“You have so much hate bottled up inside you.”  “It’s not bottled up.”
“One of the sharks has a biting sense of humor.”
“That may be the most awful idea I’ve ever heard.”  “I rather like it.”
“I thought I got a Sense Motive check.”  “He’s trying to kill you.”
“Is he surprised?”  “No, actually he seemed to expect that.  He was actually more confused when you weren’t doing that before.”
“Kinika, don’t cast a fireball.  If you do, you’ll let him cast.”  “How do you know I’m going to cast a fireball?”  “Because you always do.”
“I’m thinking of hitting over the head with my staff to put him out of my misery.”  “Well, if you do that then I’ll be able to stop dodging the flying wadges of BS.”
He has two left feet.  He’s about as coordinated as a drunken rhinoceros in desperate need of orthopedic shoes.
“Stop spitting on me.”  “It’s not spitting, it’s love.  Don’t yell at me.”
In the name of the Water Goddess, I flush thee!
“Darker than sin.”  “Younger than springtime.”
I am a Greyhawk Historian and I will answer any and all questions you ask in an annoying monotone voice.
You’re gonna love fighting these guys: they’re just a little bigger than you and they have twice as many arms.
A small man with glasses and a book steps out from behind a tree and says to the monster, “I’m sorry, you can’t do that.  You haven’t acted yet.”
“So, he’s slow and plodding?”  “Well, inexorable is more the term I would use.”
“Both of me say, ‘We’re identical twins.’”  “Oh yeah, well both of me slap you across the room.”
“So what’s your team name?”  “The Oblivious Eight.”  “But there’s seven of you…” “What?”
Are you okay?  I’m sorry he killed you.
We killed one of the backers, but he was a dick.
“Keep that one alive.  We’ll question him later while I rip his throat out.”
Ffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhlllaaame Strike!!!
“I’m going to try to cast some sort of magic to figure out what’s going on.”  “You cast:  Discern Plot.”
“Don’t rescue the princess.  She’s a bitch.”
“I swear, it was dead when I found it.”
“What did you say?  I couldn’t hear you over your kilt.”
“That wasn’t a soul you ate…”
Air and vacuum is the “sucks to be you” plane.
“It was a team effort.”  “Yes, but it was mostly me.”
“Everyone come over here, while I play with my box.”
Are you taking any special precautions?...  You are a special precaution.
“Should I cast ‘Protection from Evil’?”  “Um…that might not be a good idea while I’m in the room… I mean… I’ve said to much.”
“Would you like some instruction on how to turn into a chair?”
Actually he doesn’t say that.  He doesn’t have a sense of humor.
The chair grins.
“She spied on us?!  She watched us as we did things?!?”
“Are there any mind flayers shaped like armchairs?”
“Yes, I’m a weasel in a suit.”  “Yeah, but what about your character?”
“We’re gonna try and planeshift.”  “To what plane?”  “The ‘Anyplace is better than here’ plane.”
“You can try and sense my motives, sexy momma.”  “I’m afraid we understand your motives all too well.”
“Under the robe: no underwear.”  “Wait…how can I tell?...I’m just that sexy.”
“You all wake up slowly.  You’re lying on something soft.”  “What’s her name?”
It’s all about knowing the precise moment to insert your weapon.
“Chaotic Hungry.”  “And, Chaotic Delicious!”
Cuddle, people!  You can get more off that way!
I’m casting the ‘I don’t understand, so it can’t hurt me’ spell.
Little did the demon know…it was HOLY FLOUR!!!
“Before you read that let me make sure it doesn’t also say ‘I pledge my soul to someone who’s name I’m not going to say while I’m here.’”  “You mean, like…Demogorgon?”
“What’s your AC?”  “Not high enough.”
A paladin of the god of naughtiness.  ‘Smite Virgin.’
I’ve created a monster!  And it tastes AWESOME!!!!!!
That’s no moon…that’s a FAITH STATION!
In Soviet Flogistan, cigar smoke you.
What am I sweating?  Oh…  knowledge…
We’re gonna do a hit-and-row on an unsuspecting village.
I cut off their heads.  And I search them.
That statue got hit in the face with its own balls!!!
Just go with it, I rolled an 18!
You all feel stronger, and they start rolling saves.
She’ll be okay.  The Abyss does that to people sometimes.
My speech requires somatic components.
She said no magic, but she did say another word that started with a ‘p’ and ended with ‘sionic’.
Meanwhile, back at the plot…
If he has a HEAD in this fridge, I’m gonna be really mad at him!
"Burn the microfiche!" "Firebomb the 8tracks!"
Does this adamantine plating make me look fat?