Girls, I think I done fucked up. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted 8 hours ago by Endermissles looneybin cutter

Former lurker, first post, where's my award?

I'm in a.. confusing relationship. Up until I met my boyfriend, (Let's call him Pavel, shall we? Pavel sounds alright.) I identified as a lesbian. I had been in a long distance, borderline abusive relationship for over a year and in that time span had lived in (count em!) three psychiatric hospitals and was regularly, severely self harming. I let that SO manipulate and lie to me. I cheated on her once, then twice, and finally I met my boyfriend 'Pavel'. We first started talking here on reddit, actually- we worked together on a roleplaying subreddit of sorts. It's indescribable how immediate my attraction to him was.

But wait!

'I'm a lesbian. I have a girlfriend. He's a guy. I'm gay.'

All things I drilled into my head as he and I got close. And despite all of that, he got me away from my previous relationship and we've now been dating for almost two months. (A little over a week and it's our anniversary gahhh)

I've been clean from self harm, and drugs, both at his behest. And somehow my crippling insecurities still manage to get between us. There's been a lot of shit I've lived through and I struggle with an unreal number of mental illnesses and he's there for me through everything. I love him so goddamn much- and yet, I still manage to keep fucking up! Help a sister get her head RP, ladies. I've always identified with Red Pill values and am very submissive (you wouldn't know it my looking at me..) and I feel like picking up some of the slack in my RP habits could help 'Pavel' and I get through the next few months; He lives in another state, and has been working 3 jobs up until recently to afford to come see me before he leaves for boot camp. He's enlisting. (the most masculine thing ever and it's so hot)

My most recent folly would be cutting off my hair. When we met, I had hair almost down to my ass, with one side shaved. About a month ago, I cut in the just above my shoulders. Then I cut it pixie-short during a spell of 'sexual orientation crisis if i look like a lesbian maybe i can go back to that'. I obsessed over my hair all day every day until finally, I did the unthinkable for most women-

I shaved my head.

Let's get this clear, I am not built petite and generally speaking, I don't feel very feminine. I'm not overweight (eating disorder, holla), yet that hasn't stopped me from bashing my body constantly and venting to him about it to the point of annoyance. And now that I've no hair longer than 1'2 an inch to speak of.. I feel so masculine. And I don't like it, at all. It's on my mind a lot. I feel like he deserves better. He's admitted he hates the fact that I cut my hair short to begin with, let alone buzzed it, and every other girl he's been with has had very long hair. I find myself comparing myself to his previous girlfriends often, though he insists he thinks I'm pretty even without hair.

I need to find a way to deal with these self esteem issues I have, and fast. On top of that, how do I feminine? I wear makeup regularly, but I'm definitely more of a band tee shirt and skinny jeans type of girl. What can I do to keep him interested? Advice would be hugely appreciated, fellow RPW. Thanks for reading the Great Wall of Text, and I hope everyone has a great night!

-R