insane scribbles volume one

[Authors Note: I found this sitting in one of my really old notebooks, one of the notebooks I kept as a dream journal. I am making this link more public as I find it interesting and perhaps others might find it interesting too. I copied it line for line, word for word. I do not remember writing this, I believe I wrote it during school though, and apparently over the course of a few days, or a week. Don't judge me.]

This is not a dream, I just don't know where to
put it. I mean, this IS a journal. I first did
my best to impress everyone. When I failed on
the internet, I made MSPC and oddly enough got
some popularity. This led to my first problem.
I HATED myself. every aspect of myself, I
hated. After a mental breakdown and loads of
dissection of my mind, I got over it. I still
hated myself, I still do, but I'm at peace with
it. I accept it for what it is. But now. Now,
after maybe a year and a half of mental peace,
I recently discovered a new problem. Love. I
promised myself, I would never fall in love
while in the Phillippines. I never wanted my
heart to get in the way of me and my family
leaving. But now, I noticed, my stories are
getting more... romantic. Romance started to
cloud my mind, sometimes the only thing I can
think about. There's a heavy pain in my heart,
more painful than my self-loathing. I cannot
stand it. I refuse to fall in love. But, I'm
not sure anymore. I'm starting to be more sad.
I purposly made myself unattractive to avoid
any feelings. But now everything reminds me off
love. and I so desperatly want to be in love.


It's been two days since the last entry. I can
hear the voices again. I do my best to ignore
them. I think it's the internet. Maybe love.
That's right, I'm still feeling that sickly
sweet hole in my heart, whispering to be
filled. My romancelust is getting worse. I
don't know who to trust on this matter. I first
thought DVC, Ice, and Silber. But they're
probably tired of my shit. My second thought? I
don't have one. There's no one who's judgement
I trust on this matter. I hope this stops.
Atleast for 2 days, our periodical tests. I'd
rather not fail because of love. That's the
whole reason I avoided it. But I get the
feeling it won't be that simple. In my life,
very few things are. But this is different.
Like I said, it's WORSE than my self-loathing,
and that was bad enough. Oh yes, the voices.
Usually my own, whispering and muttering
things. Horrible things. Whispers of death,
rape, pain, suffering, and then everything
inbetween is littered with my thoughts echoing
madly through my mind. Sometimes, I hear other
voices and noises. I rarely understand what
they say and the noises usually startle me. the
voices that arent mind usually call my name or
yell something at me. I can feel it building.
The insanity I KILLED 2 YEARS AGO. It never
died. It waited for a new hole in my mental
barriers. It found one.

Null sound. Null sound repels it. Only a
little, but it helps. It staves off all
thoughts though, so I can't think complexly or
straight. I need a better, more permanent
solution and fast.

Talking with others seems to help to. Anything
that distracts me. Stops me from thinking my
own thoughts. But it's not a cure. It's like
eating a chili and then drinking water to stop
the burn. It slows it but once the water is
gone, the spices kick up again, full force. I
can't think straight anymore. I don't have a
train of thought. I have no traintracks. All I
have is an old crummy bicycle with popped
wheels on a dirt road. Leading somewhere? I
don't know. It's about high time I figure out.
As I was re-reading this to generate some null
noise. I realized something. I could hear the
echos now, whispering.That means the cure is
failing right? I hope not.

"I don't believe you" is oddly a thought that
appears in my head quite frequently now. I'm
desperatly yelling at nothing. Dunno why, must
be gas.

[Author's note a year or two later: Haha i can
still joke around even when im breaking down
crying~!]

I remember: The voices back then were just
voices. It felt like always being at a
resturaunt. People just talking in the
background. It was annoying, but I would prefer
that over what I have now. They're all angry.
Telling me, no, commanding me to do horrible
things. Why now of all times. I see things too.
But much less compared to the voices. But it's
hard to tell unless I can see from both views.
I'm starting to doubt many things. I need a way
to learn the truth. I doubt love is the only
reason. I think when I started finding a
solution for love, I might've accidently opened
a door or something. And my insanity came
crawling out, angry about it's 2 year
imprisonment and wanting revenge.
I don't know what to do.

I need smoeone to share this with. But who.
who. who who who who who who who who who who
who who who who who who who who who who who who
who who who who who who who who who who who who
who who who who who who who who who who who who
who who who who who who who who who who who who
who who who who who who who who who who who who
who who who who who who

what do I do!?

null

pain

sleep

death

hallucinations are getting worse. i saw the sky
become dark. darker than night
its progressing faster than 2 years ago. i
don't know whats happening.

I can still keep sane. I've trained for this. I
refuse to lose. The mind's the most powerful
weapon. I intend to use it.

Ken. He's a wise person. I trust his judgement.
Ice, he's my whaly therapist. I trust his
judgement to.
I'll tell Ice first.