Spaghetti with Mochi

The tiny little government ‘office’ sat dejectedly in the corner of its much older counterpart, the local DMV. The sign above the booth of an office read “Department of Monster Relations”. At the desk sat a holstaur much too large for her workplace; her generous proportions took up most of her desk, her computer and government-mandated Newton’s cradle took up the rest. The holstaur would while away her time by batting her office toy whenever it would stop or munching away at whatever she’d brought for lunch until it was time to clock out. If she were lucky she’d get one applicant for the Monster Homestay Program a month. And if the dark-haired, shaggy looking man rather hurriedly approaching her desk was anything to go by, today was her lucky day.

“Hello, sir!” she said, with a big smile.
	She was told that her poochy cheeks had dimples if she smiled real hard, but she thought her freckles were her real charm point. When her green eyes looked through her square-framed glasses once more, she got a much better look at her monthly visitor. His hair was a little greasy, and with so much of it atop his narrow face, it looked like a wig. His eyes were a dark brown, but they looked red from late nights of stress, as his chapped lips would attest. His ears just barely poked out from his messy hair while his nose looked like someone glued a right triangle to his face. His old grey jacket hid a blue t-shirt and the top of his blue jeans.

“Uh…hi” he replied, out of breath. After regaining his composure, he began again, “Hi, this is the Monster office right?”

The holstaur leaned forward, the keyboard resting on her chest nearly falling off in the process, and looked up at the sign on her stall. “Well, it sure seems that way,” she said, her bright red hair bobbing as she sat back down.

“I-I was hoping you could help me. I’ve got a sort of monster problem an—“

“I’m sorry, sir. This department is not equipped to deal with manticores, hellhounds, Cheshire cats, ushi-oni, or any kind of dragon. If you believe that you are in serious danger, we suggest you call the police or other local authorities,” she recited in monotone.

“Wha..? No, it’s not any of those, at least I don’t think…A-anyway, this monster’s been stalking me for like a week now and I think she’s been trying to break into my house,” he stuttered out

“Okay then, can fill out this form for me?” she said as she produced a form titled Monster-Related Disturbance Report, or a murder for short. The man quickly worked through the form and shoved it back into the government worker’s hands. “So, mister…Anonse Anonori, according to how you filled out the form here you say the monster stalking you is…other slash unknown. Can you give me a description of what she looked like?”

“S-sure miss…uh”

“Jersey, but you can call me Cindy”

“Okay, uh, she’s wet and—“

“I’m sure she is,” Cindy sniggered

“IT’S NOT…” Anonse shouted. Then, after a pause, “It’s not funny, okay? She been fucking stalking me and I’ve hardly been able to sleep and the last thing I need is for someone to be cracking jokes at my expense,”

“Sorry, sir, that was inappropriate of me, please continue,” Cindy said more seriously

“So she’s always wet, or at least she looks like she just came in out of the rain without an umbrella. Sometimes she’s like three or four feet tall, but most of the time she looks about five or six feet tall. I think I even saw her get up to ten feet tall once. Her skin is light blue, not like succubus light blue, but like ‘I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-white’ light blue. Her ‘hair’, I think, is really inky black and she’s always wearing Japanese clothes,”

“Did she start stalking you out of the blue one day or did something strange happen and then she started stalking you?”

“Well, it was raining pretty hard outside as I was walking down to Schoonerberg U for my classes and I saw her standing under some trees. Being a good Samaritan, I walked on over and asked her if she needed some help getting somewhere dry and that I’d be willing to share my umbrella. She said yes, so I walked her to Schoonerberg U’s main hall, said goodbye, and went on my merry way. And then she was standing outside my window that night,”

“Did she say anything?”

“No, she just stood there, smiling and waving at me,”

“Well, she doesn’t seem that bad. Lemme search our database real quick,” Cindy said as she brought her hands up into her unique typing posture.

“Well, yeah she doesn’t seem bad, but I don’t know what she is. I don’t know if she’s gonna try to lock me in her sex dungeon or if she’s gonna eat my balls or something. I don’t wanna take that kind of risk,” Anonse shuddered as he processed what he said.

“This look like her?” Cindy turned her monitor towards Anonse

“Yeah, pretty much”

“Well it looks like luck is in the air today. She’s a nureonago, a Zipangan slime-type monster. She shows up when it’s raining and if you’re nice to her she follows you home. Wanna hear her danger rating?”

“What is it?”

“One. To put that in perspective, kobolds, the little yappy dog monsters, have a danger rating of two because sometimes they’re a little too enthusiastic and accidentally hurt their masters.”

“Oh,” Anonse said, dejected. I couldn’t even deal with a monster less dangerous than a puppy, he thought. “So how do I get her to leave me alone?”

“Says here to just talk to her. ‘If the nureonago’s target expresses sincerely that they wish to be left alone or that they are uninterested, the nureonago will simply leave and attempt to find a new target’. Though it also says here that this is pretty rare,”

“Why’s that?”

“’Most men appear to be unable to resist the simple but elegant charm of a nureonago’. Seems like you’ve got a fine catch there, if you’re not already in a relationship that is,”

Anonse sighed as a heavy weight was lifted from his heart, he could finally get rid of this stalker without issue and go back to studying, watching bad anime, eating shitty food, and sleeping until noon. “Thanks, for all your help Cindy. I think I’ll be able to sleep easier tonight,”

“Your welcome, sir! And if you have any further questions, I’ll be here so long as the DMV’s open,” Cindy stood up from her desk, shook Anonse’s hand, and, as Anonse left with a little spring in his step, Cindy got back to her busy schedule of munching on vegetables and counting how many holes were in the ceiling tiles.

Anonse’s bargain bin sneakers carried him briskly back to his apartment and to his final confrontation with this unwanted admirer. Despite what he’d heard from his friends in the city, Anonse wasn’t afraid to walk around alone in Altonburough, even in the late afternoon of another crappy overcast day. Apparently, when the monsters showed up, they made a beeline for the cities; people say their rationale was to go where the most men are. New York went from The City That Never Sleeps to The City That Always Sleeps With Someone; Chicago went from The Windy City to The Blowing City; Las Vegas didn’t change one bit. Fortunately for Anonse, Altonburough’s population hung around the thousands, it was a university town and not much else. The obligatory government buildings all huddled together on the east side of town near Schoonerberg U and the Paddington, the apartment complex in which Anonse lived, while the restaurants and what could charitably be described as a night-life scene, three different monster variations on titty-bars which were all within a block of each other, occupied the west side of town. Even with all the new monstrous residents, the police force of Altonburough didn’t get much work; the most dangerous monster to ever exist in Altonburough was a very lost sandworm who was heading to the east coast for a beach vacation with her husband.

As Anonse plodded on over to his first floor apartment, he froze for a moment when he saw his watery acquaintance standing outside his door but he just reminded himself that there was nothing to fear and he soldiered on. Anonse walked straight up to his door, unlocked it, and turned around to speak to his follower.

“Hello, I believe we have something to discuss,” Anonse said business-like.

Only now when he was face-to-face with this monster did he realize just how stunning she was. Her delicate blue eyes glimmered like fine crystal glass as they poked out from behind her inky black hair (?), her smooth cheekbones (?) gave her face a slightly angular look, and her thin lips settled themselves on a gentle smile. The intricate patterns of her soaked kimono clung to her average figure, accentuating her chest and rear. The more Anonse looked at her, the less he could believe that she was just a mass of slime; she was a work of art.
“Yes, I suppose we do,” she spoke. Her voice was firm but reassuring, “I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced, my name is Umi Shinkara,”

“M-my name is Anonse Anonori,” Anonse blurted out, having lost his composure

“Would you mind if we had our discussion in your house?” Umi said gesturing to the door

“Uh yeah, sure” Anonse said as he meekly opened the door and let Umi inside. Anonse kicked off his sneakers as Umi stepped out of her slimy sandals and set them down in front of a little cubby by the door. As soon as Umi looked up, the feeling of Anonse’s apartment hit her like a truck. The stale air hung like a sword poised at one’s neck. The dust gathering on the bookshelf and the television marked how little they were used compared to the relatively clean computer desk. The ratty carpet that covered the floor, except for the kitchen and the bathroom which had worn down linoleum tiles, was rife with errant strands of hair and the occasional globule of some ancient candy. Even the light only seemed to illuminate this dank room out of pity rather than duty. Umi had never seen this apartment or had a good handle on who exactly Anonse was, but in this moment she knew one thing: he was alone. Anonse slumped onto the couch, whose springs whined under his weight, and urged Umi to join him. After she daintily sat on the edge of the couch Anonse broke the silence.

“I wanted to talk to you about your stalking,” Anonse pointed his finger at her accusingly, “It’s creeping me out, don’t do it anymore,”

“Okay,” Umi replied flatly. It didn’t look like she was paying attention to Anonse.

“That’s it?” Anonse was taken aback. Was this kind of monster really that easy to deal with? “No nonsense, you’re gonna stop following me?”

“Yeah,” Umi stood up, “Where do you keep your cleaning supplies?”

“Under the kitchen sink. Why do you care?”

“Well if we’re going to be living together, I’d like our home to not be such a sorry sight,”

“’L-living together’? But I told you that I’m not interested!”

“Well of course you’re not interested in me. You barely know me. We’ll just have to work on fixing that,” Umi smiled

“O-oh, okay” Anonse said looking down. First stalking and now his home is being invaded by some strange slime who obviously won’t take no for an answer. Wait, what if they’re not as docile as the government profile says? Wait, what if the government knows that these monsters are more dangerous than they look and they’re sending them out as hit squads on seditious elements? It must be, he posted on anonymous image boards about how much he distrusts the government; he must have overstepped some kind of boundary and now they’ve sent a monster as a hired killer so they can not only silence dissent but to stoke the flames of racism and keep the people divided. What should he do? What should he do? What should he do? Calm down, the first thing anyone would do in this situation is—

“Hey are you alright? You look kind of stressed out,” Umi said now merely an inch from Anonse’s face. Anonse jumped back, only to bang his head against the wall, “Whoa! I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. N-Now I don’t know what your story is and what they paid you to do to me but I’m not havin any of it. You j-just get on outta hear, you hear me?” Anonse said while rubbing the back of his head.

“Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about first of all and secondly, I just want to help you. What wrong with wanting to help someone?”

“No one’s that genuine, not even a monster. You want something,”

“Yes, I do want something. I want you. I want us” Umi said resolutely. Anonse blushed considerably, “And I believe the fastest way to make ‘us’ is get to know each other a little better, don’t you agree?”

“I’m sure you’re a nice person and all, but you’ve gotta look at this from my perspective. Someone I’ve met one time stalked me for a week and now wants to live with me. I don’t know how they do it where you’re from but I just can’t trust you that easily,”

“That’s fine. I would be worried if you just accepted me on the spot. Besides, it’s not like you’re one of those people who fetishize slimes, right?”

“Y-yeah, definitely not,” Anonse lied as he began to cook up some complex way to hide all of the slime JAVs and other assorted pornos he had on his external hard drive.

“So, let’s start from the top,” Umi stood up, “My name is Umi Shinkara, I’m twenty-three years old, and I am a nureonago seeking love in the mysterious new world of Earth”

“I’m Anonse Anonori, I turn twenty this year, and I’m a math major,”

“I don’t get why you’re so unconfident, you already have a successful career in the military before your second decade! I’m sure you are the talk of the—“

“That’s not what a math major is,” Anonse blurted out, “I’m not in the army. I’m going to a university where the major area of my study is mathematics,”

“Oh, my sincerest apologies, your lordship!” Umi got down on all fours and began to bow profusely, “I was unaware of your status!”

“Oh, so you guys are still in that period of history,” Anonse muttered, then replied as he moved to pick up Umi, “Hey, school is mandatory over here. I’m not some noble or anything so please get off the floor, it’s embarrassing”

As soon as the lanky shut-in’s hands touched the foreign slime, they both froze. Anonse kept doing double-takes in his mind; he couldn’t believe how soft and smooth Umi’s kimono was and when his thumb accidentally grazed her bare shoulder, he found it to be even more so. Umi was almost in a trance; just from the slight contact of Anonse’s hand, she felt his body heat spread through her like fire and the way his worn hands steadily gripped her wet shoulder made her feel safe. The two statues remained lost in their own worlds until the pitter-patter of rain broke them free. They awkwardly avoided eye contact and sat back down on the couch waiting for the other to restart the conversation.

“So,” Anonse began, “How did a Zipangan end up in Altonburough, Missouri of all places? I would’ve thought you would’ve hopped on the first plane to Japan and said sayonara to America,”

“Well, I like to believe everything happens for a reason. Why fate put me in this part of your world, I can’t say, but I will make the most of it. I shall do my very best wherever I happen to end up,”

“Well, that’s fair enough I suppose,”

“Additionally,” Umi continued, “Traversing the portals is not a very precise process. Many have gone through only to end up somewhere else on Amm,”

“Yeah, I don’t understand how you people can just throw yourselves into portals like that not knowing where you’re gonna end up,” Anonse replied “Not to mention how frustrating it must be to end up somewhere else in your own world, Amm was it?”

“Yes, and it happened to me twice actually,” Umi replied, “The first time I went through, I ended up on the Mist Continent. I was only there for a day or two while I waited to go through again, but it was quite nice. However, they seemed to be a rather… aggressive people. Between the room they let me stay at in the local inn and the portal I encountered five ‘Battles to Determine the Ultimate Fighting Style’, three ‘Battles to Determine Who x Will Marry’, and one ‘Battle to Determine Whether x Will Remain a Virgin’.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Anonse chuckled, “I’m sure x’s have a lot of fun other there,”

“One can only hope that they do,” Umi shook her head, “But the second time I went through was much better. I ended up in this lovely little port town called Gnocchi. There were all sorts of people there, Federation, Albheim, Mist Continent, Zipangan, and Geben. It was like I was looking at a cross section of the whole world! And the thing is, one of the traders told me that Gnocchi is, what would you call it, ‘flyover country’? Most traders only come into port to sell off anything they couldn’t sell at the larger port towns. But the weirdest thing of all was the food,”

“What, they eat brains over there or something?”

“Do you eat brains around here?”

“No, that’s just the first thing that comes to my mind when I think ‘weird food’”

“Well it wasn’t weird because it was something I had never seen before or something I wouldn’t think was edible but because it was so familiar. It was noodles. Now mind you these were way different than any noodles I’d ever had before, but they were still noodles. I think that’s how monsters can travel through the portals without much worry because, regardless of where they end up, there’ll always be noodles”

“Ah, so you’re saying that, no matter the distance between two separate cultures, there will always be some kind of logical underpinning or cultural carryover that will more easily facilitate their relationship? I suppose such an analysis could be correct, but I think that due to the social nature of humans and the limited number of available resources, similarities are bound to show up under greater levels of magnification. However, it seems to me that you would attribute these similarities not to the mechanics of the mind but rather to some overarching sense of destiny or some miraculous occurrence, whereas I see such similarities as inevitable due to the trend towards the most efficient manners of production, in this case, the most efficient manner of creating a staple dish,” As Anonse pontificated, Umi examined her pendant closely and gently shook it, “What seems to be the problem?”

“Oh, sorry,” Umi said, refocusing on the conversation, “I thought that my translation stone had worn out or something,”

“Translation stone?”

“Yeah, I didn’t really know where I’d end up and I heard that there were a lot of languages on Earth, so I thought that I would learn the language of the land once I had settled down,”

“So, you can’t really speak English?”

“No, that’s part of the reason I was standing under those trees when you found me; after I signed in with that organization you have here, I used the money they gave me to get on a bus and this was where I ran out of money. This stone will run out of magic eventually, so I was trying to find a husband as quickly as possible,”

“Part of the reason?”

“Well, it’s embarrassing, but when I take on too much water, I get bigger so I try to expel all the excess water but I never seem to get it right so I end up way shorter than I usually am and sometimes it takes me days to get back to my normal size,”

“What’s wrong with being big?”

“My mother wouldn’t let me in the house if I wasn’t the right size. If I was too big, she said all the men would treat me like a real monster; if I was too small, she said no one would take me seriously,” Umi said, downcast

“Well, I don’t particularly mind larger women,” Anonse responded, flatly

“Um, w-what did you say, Anonse?” Umi said, shocked

“Well, Umi, I said that if you so dead set on trying to become my wife, you have to be bigger!” Anonse replied. If I can’t drive her away by telling her to leave, maybe I can drive her away by forcing my fetishes on her, Anonse thought.

“Phew,” Umi sighed, “That’s a relief, I like being bigger as well!”

Shit, Anonse thought

“In fact, since it’s still raining outside, I’m going to go get bigger right now!” Umi walked over to the door with a spring in her step, put her sandals back on and stepped outside. Although something in the back of Anonse’s head told him to lock her out of the apartment and continue to avoid her, he had to admit that if someone like this wanted to be his girlfriend he wouldn’t necessarily mind, so he followed Umi outside. The rain had gone from the prior drizzle into a more substantial downpour at present and, after Anonse checked the local Doppler radar on his phone, it seemed as though the rain would only pick up from here.

Anonse gazed out over the empty parking lot, lit up only by a single lamppost, and onto the street. The changing traffic signals shone like spotlights through the downpour and the icy autumn breeze occasionally attacked Anonse head on, blowing his hood down. He felt oddly at peace in this dreary town, in this crappy weather, gazing upon the brickwork of the 40’s right next to whatever chain restaurant has occupied the losing spot next to it, listening to the slightly muffled sound of the rain you get when there’s a walkway above you; it was peaceful. Unfortunately, these moments can never last as Anonse remembered why he came out here and suddenly began to notice the distinct lack of his blue friend. As soon as he took a step forward however, he heard a cry for help almost drowned out by the rain and he looked down to see Umi clinging to the bars of the storm drain in front of his apartment. Anonse reached his hand down as close to Umi's as he could and parts of Umi climbed up Anonse’s arm and over his back onto the haven of the concrete. After the last dribble of the blue blob had made its way out of the storm drain, Anonse turned around to see his apartment door open, a wet trail on the carpet, and a pair of wet sandals by the front door.

“Umi? You got all of your bits together?” Anonse called, closing the door and taking off his shoes

“Yes, I’m waiting for you in the kitchen,” Umi said, her voice now deeper and sultrier. Anonse entered his kitchen and saw Umi’s form sitting upon the kitchen floor; her knees, were she standing, would easily come up to Anonse’s stomach and her thighs left only a tiny gap between them; her hips flared out in such a manner that the meeting of her legs to her torso dragged the eyes directly to her crotch; her buttocks, while mostly hidden from Anonse’s view, could only be rivaled in size by her now massive breasts, which had now gone above and beyond reasonable sizes for a human to have; her belly was ever slightly so poochy, much to Umi’s chagrin; her inky black hair now flowed out behind her and easily reached the floor.

Umi saw Anonse and gently stood up, or as best she could given the low ceiling, and moved towards him. Anonse's gut told him to run, that this must have been a trick, but Anonse was tired. He was tired of running away, he was tired of think that he'd never find love, and he was tired of being alone. So he stood still, ready to bear the consequences of his actions. They both froze again when they touched, but only for a moment. Umi picked Anonse up and they moved gracefully into the bedroom. They laid on the bed and looked up at the ceiling.

"Why?" Anonse asked

"Why what?" Umi responded

"Why me?"

"Because"

"Is that it?"

"I suppose. Why did you help me that oak tree?"

"It was the right thing to do, anyone would've done the same"

"But other people had walked by; some saw me and immediately turned around"

"Well, what matters is that *I* did the right thing"

"And that has made all the difference"

"Oh, please, we both know that poem is about regret"

"What poem?"

"Sorry, I forgot that you're not from this world. That line you just said was from a poem that a lot of people misinterpret to mean something more hopeful"

"Wouldn't you rather be hopeful than regretful?"

Anonse turned to look at Umi, "I guess I've never really had a reason to be hopeful. People are always telling me that these are the best years of my life, but it just feels so empty. I go to school, I do the work, I eat shitty college food, I go home, I browse the internet for a few hours, I go to sleep, then I wake up the next morning and do it again,"

Umi turned to look at Anonse, "Surely, you must be exaggerating. Even if your life has a routine, you're the only one who makes it feel like a routine. I should know, for my life was mostly doing chores around the house and my mother teaching me how to be a wife. Despite all the work, I would attack each day with renewed vigor because I knew that someday, I wouldn't be doing chores around the house for my mother but rather for my husband"

"I don't mean to sound mean but you come from a world which still has monarchs in power in the vast majority of the world, so to say that your opinions on routine are outdated would be like saying that witch trials may not be a valid judicial system. The only reason you can be so optimistic is because you haven't lived here long enough to be disappointed"

There was a silence that filled the room. The two looked back towards the ceiling, ruminating.

"I'm so--"
"I'm so--"



"You go first," Anonse said, looking back towards Umi

"I'm sorry, I was unaware just how culturally different our worlds were," Umi said, still looking at the ceiling, "I am beginning to think that I am in over my head"

"Well," Anonse paused, "you can lean on me if you need to"

Umi turned towards Anonse, looking hopeful, "So I can live with you? I promise that I'll wash the dishes and do the laundry and--"

"Oh shush. I'm letting you live here because I like you not because you're an indentured servant or anything"

"Ara~? You 'like' me?" Umi said smugly, "How so?"

"Well," Anonse began matter-of-factly, "Firstly, I enjoy the potential for interesting conversations about the culture and history of Amm that you possess. Secondly, your lack of knowledge about Earth gives me an excuse to lecture you about various subjects. Thirdly, it is nice to have someone to talk to face to face as opposed to online. Fourthly, your supposed skill in cooking and cleaning would be considerably handy in day to day life. Fifthly, I can finally make my parents proud of me for something other than an academic achievement for once. And sixthly, I want shove my face into your massive slimy mounds and suffocate to death"

"I object to suffocating you to death, but if you desire my body, then by all means," Umi said, lifting up one of her gargantuan breasts. Anonse wrapped his arms and legs around Umi and nestled his head into her chest.

After a moment of silence, Anonse looked towards Umi, "Hey..."

"Yes?" Umi replied, "Is something the matter?"

"I..." Anonse took a deep breath, "I think I love you"

Umi stared

"I mean, I'm not gonna go out and buy a wedding ring tomorrow or anything! We still have to get to know each other!" Anonse hurriedly added, "But, y'know, I think things are gonna go alright for once now that you're here,"

Umi remained silent, but held Anonse closer.

Anonse reciprocated her gesture, and the pair fell asleep.

…

Another rainy day had snuck its humidity into the ceiling of the local DMV and with it came the march of metallic containers eager to snap up every drop of non-potable water that fell from that asbestos heaven. Cindy, once again left to her devices, or device in this case since she had to turn in her Newton’s cradle last week as a part of a government program to reduce sexual harassment cases at work, was tired. She had eaten her lunch, browsed all of the usual websites that her computer permitted her to, and counted every single dot on the ceiling she could see. And she would’ve clocked out five minutes later were it not for a dark-haired shaggy looking man flanked by a large woman in Japanese clothing who looked like she just came in from the rain without an umbrella both approaching her desk.

“Hello,” the man started, “This lovely lady and I were hoping to apply to the Monster Homestay Program,”