Cold Feeling (Suzu route Act 3-9)

Cold Feeling


I wake up with a warm body next to mine. Gentle rays of morning light greet my eyes as I open them to find myself in my room. The one at my house, that is, not the one at Yamaku. It's confusing, having more than one. Is this... is this my primary room, or... I'm still waking up here, hold on. Time to... time to take stock. Who am--no, I remember that one. Where am I. Okay, yeah. I'm home.

It's not... it's not very different from my room at Yamaku. The walls are a soft, powder blue, there are more posters, some of the ocean, some of a few bands that I like. It has a very thick, soft carpet instead of random objects all around, and a lot of little things, memories of my life before, on shelves and on my desk. Seashells, photographs, things like that, and everywhere, books. In corners, under the bed, in little piles, some stacked together to form shapes or miniature buildings for reasons that I can't at all remember right now. When I was little, I didn't really like going outside much, there were too many hard or sharp things to fall on. So I stayed inside and read everything I could get my hands on, I even pored over my dad's old comic books, although I didn't understand most of the jokes or references in them.

Another thing my room has in common with the one at Yamaku is that it comes fully stocked with a sleeping Hisao, apparently. He's lying beside me in my bed, his face buried in my hair, my back against his stomach. I shift, turning around to look at him, watching his peaceful, serene expression in the light that filters through my curtains.

I can't believe it. I managed to get a good night's rest, here, in my house. I didn't even wake up throughout the night either, and no part of my dream has tagged along with me. No floors of lava, no spiders. Only Hisaos. Is it because he's here with me? How did we get here? What were we--

Right.

Right. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then let it out. Yesterday. The sun setting over the power lines, Hisao standing there and I, I opened every door in my head that had been locked so tight.

I... told him the whole thing, didn't I? I told him everything, all about what happened. And he, he just stood there and listened and didn't judge me, he wanted to hear and understand why I have bad dreams, and why I lie, and... and why I'm scared.

I stare at the slumbering boy lying next to me, his eyes closed, his hair falling across his forehead.

Still with me. Still here. Hisao.

What will he think of me now? Will he see me differently, now that he I've told him? Maybe, maybe he actually liked me better before, when we were just doing normal, everyday stuff together.

But we've been getting closer and closer, it just sort of happened. He needed to know. He wanted to know. Even before this weekend, we spent so much time together, eating lunch and studying and going to literature club meetings, and...

What if, every time he looks at me now, he sees me like I was yesterday? A mess. Crying, and, and breaking down, desperately needing someone to hold on to.

I don't want that. I need someone to watch out for me, but I don't need a mother goose, constantly hovering over me. Miki knows that, she makes sure I don't hurt myself and she cheers me up when I'm down, but she knows when to let me do things on my own. And I do some things for her too, I help her study when I can, and I try to help when her phantom pains kick in. It's a give and take thing, she can be really motherly at times, but we're friends, we're equals. That's what I want to have with Hisao, except, not just friends, but...

Maybe I've managed to help you a little bit, but there's still a lot of pain in you, Hisao. I've seen it, I've seen it in your eyes and in the way you watch the other students at school, in how long it took you to tell me about your condition, and how hard it was to let me listen to your heart the other day.

You hurt. I hurt too. Can't we hurt together? Can't I help you too? Please. I don't want to be the only one who needs help.

“Hisao.” I say softly, wanting something to take my mind somewhere else, wanting to hear his voice. “Wake up.”

It turns out he's not quite as heavy a sleeper when he isn't in an energy drink-induced coma. The boy lying beside opens his eyes a few moments later. He stares at me, and then gives a drained smile. If he was ever a morning person before, he's not now. That might be my fault, I return the smile to the best of my ability.

“Hey.” He rasps, his voice raw from having just returned to the land of the living. “Good morning.”

“There's no such thing.” I reply, squirming a little closer to him. He nods as vigorously as he can manage, which isn't much at all.

“How are you feeling?” He asks.

“Good, I... better.” I reply. Even with my worries, it feels good to see him, to be around him.

His smile widens, and he hesitates for a moment, but then reaches forward. Hisao pulls my body next to his, both of us lying on our sides in my bed. I gaze into his eyes, even as my breath begins to quicken at the sensation of his chest against mine.

I can feel myself begin to blush, but I know he's asking because of yesterday. I know he means after what I told him, the part of me that I let him see.

“What happens now?” I whisper, staring into those warm brown eyes.

Hisao studies me for a few moments, still looking pretty groggy. “What do you want to happen?” He asks.

I try not to grimace, I try not to let my emotions take control again. I don't know. I don't know what should happen now, I've never done this before, I've never been with someone like this and, and today we have to go back to school and then there's studying for exams and there's the actual exams and then there's summer vacation. And I...

What I want is to not think about it. It's too early in the morning for things like that. And later it will be too early in the afternoon, and then too late in the evening, if I have anything to say about it. Can't we just, can't we take one step at a time?

One step at time.

“I want to wake up.” I say, pushing my thoughts back down and away. “Can you help me with that?”

Hisao's smile widens. “I'll see what I can do.” He replies.

His hint taking skills are improving. He moves his head closer, and I shut my eyes. Starting to get the hang of this. We've... had some time to practice by now. Our lips gently meet, we begin to kiss. My face is growing redder, my heart is beating faster, but this is what I want, I let the feeling of his touch envelop me.

After a few moments, Hisao begins laughing and breaks the kiss, pulling his head away. What, what? What did I do? I blink at him rapidly, afraid that I've messed something up somehow. I thought that was how this works, I thought we were--

“Morning breath.” Hisao grins, and I glare, my face is so hot now.

“You really know how to ruin a--” But he cuts me off, kissing me again with passion, with intensity. I guess I'm one to talk. Actually, this is no time to talk or even... even think, it's getting a little harder to do so right now. I lean forward into him, wanting more of his touch, wanting more of him. I wrap one arm around his shoulder and pull him sideways, Hisao accepts, sliding over to rest on top of me. His chest rubs against mine through the fabric of my shirt, the feeling is strange, electric, exciting, this is...

We're, um, getting in trouble.

I try to think back to some of the stories I've overheard from the girls at school, I remember bits and pieces from books and movies, uh. Before my fuzzy head can think about thinking about what I should do next, Hisao retreats again. I suck in a quick breath of air, but, but, Hisao come back.

He's using one elbow to prop himself up on the bed so that his weight doesn't rest entirely on me, but we're still so close, please come back, before I can start freaking out, before I mess this up for real.
He's blushing in the morning light as he stares down at me, a nervous but gentle smile on his face. I look back up at him, the smell of his skin clouding my senses.

“You're pretty brave, aren't you?” I tease him, awake but probably not thinking straight at this point. “In my parents' house?”

“It was your idea.” He replies, looking embarrassed.

“Maybe I'm the one who wears the pants after all.” I giggle, but I'm taking quick, shallow breaths. This is. This is nice. New. More than what we've done before. My heart is pounding in my chest.

“I don't see any pants here.” Hisao says under his breath, our faces still only inches apart.

“I'm okay with that.” I whisper. I reach up to pull him back to me, when suddenly, there's a knock on the door. I jump, my hands flinching away.

“Suzu?” My mother's voice calls. “Are you awake yet?”

I crane my head backwards to stare at my bedroom door for a moment, my face feeling like it's about to go down in flames. Then I look back up at Hisao, who's blushing almost as hard as me, but with a gleam in his eye.

“Under the-” He begins.

“Yes, yeah.” I mumble quickly, and he nods, pulling himself off of me, I immediately miss his warmth. Hisao slides off the bed. There's the soft sound of his body scraping across the carpet as he drags himself out of sight.

“All set.” He says. His voice is muffled, but I can still make out the yawn that comes next.

No, no way, just the sound of a yawn is not enough to make me--damn. You'll... you'll pay for this.

There's a couple more knocks on my door, and I groan, hoping that I look okay. There's no, um, evidence or anything right? Would there be? I don't know.

I glance around. The majority of Hisao's clothes are in a pile along with mine next to my bed, but otherwise, it's like he vanished into thin air. Like an assassin. Hmm. Maybe the Heartbreaker is an expert in infiltra--

“I'm coming in.” My mother says, making good on her promise as she opens the door. I flop back down onto my bed, feeling drained by the sudden change of plans.


My mother drags me out of bed and, luckily, out of my room before Hisao has the urge to sneeze or anything like that. I trudge behind her to the kitchen, and from there it's a continuation of our talk last night at dinner, about how I need to start thinking about life after Yamaku. It's something halfway between a battle and a negotiation, she gives me a book about finding “my inner self”--my mother isn't much for new age talk like that but at this point, I think she's just throwing things at the wall and seeing what will stick. Although books don't stick to walls. And she hasn't thrown anything at me. Yet.

In return, I manage to convince her to unenroll me from that workshop for college entrance exams that she had signed me up for, if maybe--maybe--I'll go to one during the summer, and not the period just before exams at my school. However, that means that it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll have to spend the break here, at my parents' house.

I haven't really thought about it. Summer vacation is always this vague thing lurking somewhere off the distance, hooray, no classes, no teachers, no studying, but...

Last summer, I was stuck here and I, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep for days, for weeks it felt like, not with Seiji's room right next to mine. Not with the house drenched in memories of all the time we spent together. My parents treated me like I was made of glass, and maybe I felt like I was too.

It's been a year. They've managed to return to living normally, and I was able to get somewhere close to that too, I just buried it, I just buried everything.

But look how much was dug up just from being here for a weekend. And if I'm stuck here for a whole month again during the break, I don't know what I'll do.

I don't want to. I love my mom, I love my dad, but this house...

“Suzu.” My mother's voice drags me back to reality. Just as well, I didn't care much for the alternative anyway.

“Promise me you'll read the book?” She asks, wearing a patient smile. I mutter something about putting it on the top of my to-read list--joke's on her, I don't have one. Well, I did, but I lost it--and she nods, reaching for a plastic bag on the counter.

“One more thing.” She says, her expression carefully neutral. She extracts a small container and hands it to me. What.

I have a bad feeling about this. Upon flipping it open, I'm met with the sight of several rows of small, identical pills.

I don't... what are...

Mom is watching my expression carefully, like a hawk or, or...

Ohhhhh god. I swallow hard, snapping the case shut. Act natural Suzu, forget that you were just making out with your boyfriend in your soft, soft bed and...

My mother coughs and I look up, oh god I bet I look guilty I know I look guilty stop looking guilty! But mom only laughs at my reddening face and embarrassed squirming.

“You're a big girl now, Suzu.” She says. “Just don't tell your father, because you're not actually allowed to date until you're 26, remember?”

I let out a weak laugh. “Thanks, mom.” I mumble.

She smiles at me, but then her expression grows wistful. I'm sure she wouldn't have objected to sharing a similar discussion with my brother as well, one day. There had been girls who were interested in him before, but he had always politely declined and then laughed it off later, saying that he only had room in his heart for one girl. And that was... and that was me.

And look where it got him.

“I know this isn't easy for you, Suzu.” My mother says softly upon seeing my face fall. “I know you didn't ask for any of this.”

Well I kind of asked for Hisao to spend the night with me, but I know what she's talking about. I know what she's getting at. I look down, look away, yes, it's hard, mom. It's hard losing a good portion of every day to dreams, it's hard waking up with a new bruise or to find all my free time gone. It's... it's hard just being here, in this house, where I used to see Seiji every day, where we spent most of our time together.

But I can't be like that. I can't. Because I know my mother lost just as much as me. And I know it must be hard to see... to see your son, just gone in the blink of an eye, and, and then your daughter is a wreck and needs therapy and you don't know what to do. And then she drifts along through school and doesn't know what she wants to do after graduation because she always followed her big brother everywhere and now he's gone and she's just lost.

“I'm sorry, mom.” I say. My eyes are beginning to burn again.

My mother gently shushes me, puts a hand on my shoulder. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath. And then she's back in control. I wish I could do that. Maybe when I'm older.

Ha.

That's a good one.

“Go put some clothes on, I'm going to start making breakfast.” She says, giving me a gentle push out of the kitchen. I head back to my room, my thoughts too heavy for me to care that I'm only wearing a t-shirt and panties at the moment. Besides, it's hot and, and this is my house... okay, okay, I walk a bit faster, I must have been sleepier than I thought or I would have thrown some shorts on. My door is a little hard to open while carrying both my book and the, um, birth control pills that my mother had given me, but upon succeeding I notice only one pile of clothes on my floor. It looks like the Heartbreaker has left the building. Or the room, at least.

That's... that's fine, I think. Even though I'm, um, more prepared to resume our. Uh. Conversation? Activities? Whatever. Even though I'm technically better equipped to start over than I was before, I don't feel up to it now.


I meet up with Hisao a little later, once the breakfast bell has been rung. I wish I was kidding about that, but it's a real bell that my dad insists on ringing as he walks around the house.

“I feel like cattle.” Hisao says as we're rounded up and directed to the dining room.

“Be glad we never have beef for breakfast. Moo.” I reply with a grin, even though I'm starting to get tired again, and I really hope that eating something will let me stave off sleep for a while. Neither of us mention our, uh, experiments in waking up this morning. But... but from all the studying sessions we've had for our science class, one thing I know for sure is that you're supposed to repeat experiments until you get them right. Right? So... yeah. Next time. Or later. One of those.

Breakfast does the trick, and I'm able to stay awake for a good part of the rest of the day. We spend most of the time just relaxing around the house, it's a long trip home and classes resume tomorrow, so we can't really go anywhere. Before long it's time to pack up and make the drive back to the train station, but there's one more thing I need to do first.


“Hey, ready to go?” Hisao asks, wincing a little at the weight of his duffel bag.

“Yeah. Just a minute.” I look from him back to the door in front of me. The one next to mine.

Before I go, I need to see inside. I've been away for so long, I need to know what's happened to it. If my parents have changed it, if, if they've put things away, out of sight. Maybe put a lock on the door. The way they act around Hisao, everything's fine, it's like no one ever lived here and left and never came back.

But it hasn't been that long. Everything's not fine, even though they're pretty good at making it look like it is.

Do I want to be able to act like that? Should I? Is it right? I don't know. I just know that I have to see what's on the other side of the door in front of me.

A hand is on my shoulder, I turn my head. Hisao is still here, looking at me with concern.

Don't look at me like that, Hisao, please. That's how people looked at me when I finally got back to school, after it happened. Like I'm wounded, like I'm breaking. Like I'm broken.

I was, back then. I know that now. But I think I'm better, I, I think you've helped me get better. So don't look at me like that, don't follow me everywhere with a pillow, or try to do everything for me. I don't want a guardian, I want you. The person I've come to know and need, just the way you are.

Please, don't change. Don't change because of what I told you.

“Are you okay?” Hisao asks, cocking his head to one side.

“I'm fine, really.” I say, forcing a smile. But my head is feeling heavy again.

I gesture to his bag. “Go on, load up.”

Hisao frowns for a moment, but concedes. “I'll be outside, if you need me.” He says as he departs.

There's a sinking feeling in my stomach as I watch him go.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him.

A part of me feels better, feels like a weight has lifted off my shoulders, if only a little bit. But what if it does more harm than good? Could things have kept going between us, if I had left it buried a little longer? Would my dreams have kept getting worse? Maybe they still will. I won't have Hisao with me every night to chase them away.

For a moment I regret telling him to go, but then I shake my head back and forth. All that does is mess my hair up and force me to blink a few times, but I focus my gaze on the door in front of me. Time to go, before my dad starts honking the horn, I hate that.

I reach forward and turn the handle, pushing the door open. The air inside is stale and stuffy, a few steps in and I can reach over to switch on the light.

I take a long, slow look around, and it feels like I've taken a leap back in time. If you ignored the layer of dust coating everything, you could almost believe that... that he could walk back in here at any moment, with that bright smile and those tired but warm eyes.

The room is just like I remember it. The walls are a calm, faded green, the bed is still made. There are books and paintings, just cheap replicas but Seiji loved them all the same.

He was interested in art the way I'm interested in literature. He didn't do any painting himself, but he loved the history and the culture surrounding artists and their lives. He joined the literature club just so I would have someone to go with, but he still dragged me to the occasional art club meeting, where he was content to just sit and watch the other students paint. I think he was waiting, really, waiting for something that he wanted to say, something he wanted to share badly enough that it would finally make him pick up a brush himself and take a stab at sharing it.

The utter stillness of the room washes over me. Thoughts drift and bounce around my head, pace back and forth, escape and then come back. I wish he had at least tried to paint something, then we would have known if he could. He was good at a lot of things, I'm sure he... he could have been great, if he had wanted to. If he had only had the chance.

Suddenly, I feel like an unwelcome visitor, like an intruder. If it wasn't for me. If it wasn't for me, maybe this room would be filled with his paintings by now, maybe, maybe he would be a famous painter, or at least on the way to becoming one. If he hadn't come with me. If I had even just thought to bring Miki with us.

I turn to leave, but stumble over some box or book or something I hadn't seen before. Thankfully, the carpet here is just as thick as in my room, the impact doesn't hurt at all. But I don't have the strength to pick myself up again, I feel the room begin to grow dark. Someone's... someone's going to have to come find me here, and if it's my parents, they'll have to see this room and if, if it's Hisao, he'll think I'm helpless again, and...

I don't know how long I lie there. Everything just stops, I don't dream, I just don't exist for a while. When things begin to come back, someone is kneeling beside me on the floor, ruffling my hair with a large, rough hand.

“Time to wake up, girly.” My father's voice calls. “You don't want to miss your train, do you”?

“Dad.” I say weakly, the taste of sleep in my mouth. This was a mistake, I want to leave, I want to be aware from here. I don't deserve to be here. But I can't seem to move my body.

“Come on now.” He says. When I don't respond, I feel him scoop me up in his arms.

“You're definitely getting bigger.” He grunts, and I smile in spite of where we are. I manage to open my eyes, staring up at him.

“You don't have to carry me.” I mumble, but he shrugs dismissively and begins taking me away, away from that room and towards the entrance hall.

“Everyone needs someone to carry them sometimes, girly.” He says, looking down and giving me a wizened smile. “You'll figure that out eventually.”


Both of my parents accompany us on the drive back to the station. As they see us off, I make sure to get a hug from each of them. My dad asks Hisao if he wants a hug too, and when my boyfriend just smiles and sputters all embarrassed, my father laughs and gives him a firm handshake. I think they have a guy moment, or something like that, my dad looks at Hisao like he's trying hard to see the person inside, or like he's trying to impart a message. I wonder what he's saying? “If you hurt my daughter, I'll break your kneecaps”, maybe? Maybe.

The train ride home passes by uneventfully, at Hisao's prodding I do a little bit of review for our classes with him, since tomorrow will be the start of exam season and I don't really feel like reading the book my mother gave me. I, um, hope I remembered to pack it. Or, well, maybe it wouldn't be so terrible if I forgot.



I feel like I'm in a zone. Not like, not like “the” zone. That's when you're all man, I can do this, I got this.

I do not got this. Er, have this. I don't. I really don't know how I'm supposed to--oh, twilight. That's the zone I'm in right now. Or at least, that's the way it feels. I glance to my right, where Miki is staring at the words that Mutou scrawls across the blackboard. She looks like she wants someone to come along and put her out of her misery at this point. To my left, Lezard gives every impression that he's considering running away and joining the circus if it means he won't have to deal with the upcoming exams. Past him, Molly's hands are rapidly dancing across her paper in an attempt to jot down every word that our teacher says, even though her expression says that she isn't understanding any of it.

I can't really believe it. We get a three day weekend, and then bam. Well, it's a bigger bam than that. A really big one, I'm just too tired to think about what a huge bam it is. But it is one. Just when we get back, we only have one day until exams begin, that's not fair. Bam! Although...

It's a little harder to take a look around the rest of the classroom and be stealthy about it when you're in the first row, but I take that chance. Several of the more dedicated students in our class don't look nearly as panicked, I can see Shizune steadily jotting down notes with a look of cool determination. She probably spent a lot of the time during the long weekend studying. Past her, Taro is jiggling one leg up and down repeatedly, it's almost lunch time Taro, hold on. Further down the same row, Akio is ignoring the lecture entirely, choosing instead to stare intently at the book in his hands. Wait, is that...? I think it's the same one that we begged off of Mutou for the book drive. Has he been hanging on to it this whole time? Is that even healthy?

Before I can begin to delve too deep into the dangers of philosophizing about time travel--when I should be worrying about thermodynamics no less--the bell rings. Even Mutou is visibly relieved and so is the rest of the class, half of which pull themselves from their chairs with a groan, the other half turning to their friends in the seats next to them to talk about what they did over the long weekend.

Another glance over my shoulder reveals that Misha is begging Hisao for assistance with her studying, I can barely make out their words over the dull roar of the other voices in the classroom. Hisao turns Misha down, I guess he feels like our study group is all he can manage right now. I suppose I'm okay with that, I imagine that Shizune is the type who feels like the less studious members of the group would drag her down even if we'll be taking the exams individually. Too bad about Misha though, maybe if she came, we could institute a snack policy and put her in charge. I bet she knows where to find all the best goodies. Just as I'm about to get too distracted again, this time by the viability of a private snack detective business, my classmate's booming voice draws me back.

“Oh, ah, so what did you do over the weekend, Hicchan?” Misha asks, translating her question for Shizune as she says it. Or is it Shizune's question? I missed that part.

I watch them from the corner of my eye, feeling a little guilty about eavesdropping but, um, it's a public conversation in an open place, right? Although keeping things low-key is never really an option when Misha is involved, I guess. And besides, it's not like it's a big secret, as long as Hisao doesn't...

“Just took a trip with Suzu to her house near Nagoya. It's pretty nice out there.” He says. I guess I feel relieved, although I knew he wouldn't say anything about. About the things I told him. And probably, probably not about the things we did, or almost did or, or tried to do, um.

Miki suddenly appears next to me, leaning over onto my desk. She gives me a wink before turning to stare intently at the trio of students in the row behind us. Is she using me as a shield so her snooping is harder to detect? That's... that's dirty. And unfair, she has an advantage.

“We just did a little studying, and I got to meet her parents. Nothing else happened.” Hisao says, his tone both firm and a little uncomfortable. Uh oh. I turn back to peer at them as inconspicuously as I can.

The Student Council duo are studying him intently. Shizune peers at him with her curious, analytical gaze, and Misha crosses her arms, which always has the added effect of pushing up her already generous chest. Not that I'm looking. Not that I'm jealous or anything like that.

A few moments pass before Hisao breaks the silence. “Really, nothing happened.” He says. In a way, he's kind of right. Kind of.

Miki glances at me with one eyebrow raised, a sly expression on her face. I've already told her the most important parts about what happened over the weekend, but my silence about others might have spoken louder. Ergh. I don't ask her to fill me in on things like that in her life, does she expect me to tell her about stuff like that?

Misha says something about what a cute couple the two of us make--Miki grins at me and I try to avoid her gaze, feeling my face grow a little warm--and then the Student Council departs for lunch. Misha gives us a bright smile and a wave, whereas Shizune is content with merely a curt nod as they pass us, disappearing through the door of the classroom.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Hisao throwing his things in his bag, as he stands up from his desk I quickly turn to Miki, who raises her eyebrows at me, ready to help me cover up our snooping.

“So how about that track team?” I ask with feigned enthusiasm.

“It's going pretty good.” Miki nods her head, crossing her arms. She doesn't have to push up her chest like Misha does, her loose shirt does a good enough job of showing off her, um, features. Not that I'm... jealous, or anything. I wonder if I would look good in a boy's uniform? Maybe I should steal one of Hisao's sometime.

“Are you running fast and things like that?” I continue with our ploy as Hisao walks up to us.

Miki grins. “I actually broke the sound barrier yesterday. I'm aiming to go faster than light by the end of the trimester.”

Maybe I'll add super-speed to her powers, the list certainly seems to be growing.  “That sounds like--”

“I know you two were listening.” Hisao chimes in. At the same time, the two of us both jump a little, turning to look at him as if we had no idea he was in the room. I'm doing everything I can to keep a grin from spreading across my face, me and Miki are pretty good at this by now.

“Listening to what?” I ask.

“Whatever do you mean?” Miki adds, damn it, there I go. Hearing her use such a flowery and formal tone makes me begin to crack up, she shoots me a halfway dirty look.

“Sorry, sorry.” I say to her, and then turn back to Hisao. He's doing that eyebrow raised grimace face that he does sometimes.

Even though the atmosphere around the school has changed with exams coming up, it feels like things are starting to get back to normal for the two of us. But part of me almost wants to avoid spending too much time with him, I'm afraid that things will change between us. That he'll start treating me different. It's not like things were bad before, things were fine, at least I think they were. It was just, my dreams were bad and I was getting scared and I wouldn't let him in. Because that was scary too.

Now I have, not completely, but a lot. He's seen more of me than almost anyone else has, and I don't mean... I don't mean underneath my clothes. I mean, I do like to go the swimming pool here at the school every now and then. But I'm getting distracted.

I try to rid my head of all these unpleasant thoughts and focus on the present. The three of us make our way to the cafeteria, Hisao offers to buy me lunch.

The way he looks at me when he says it, and then insists. The way he motions for me to sit down at our table and makes a gentle remark about the floors here being hard.

I don't know.