Assorted Chocolates (feb. one shots)

(One shots written throughout February 2015, mostly for Ponemom and Flutterrape.)

***

It sucks that you're grounded and can't go see your writefag. Maybe I could be your writefag tonight. Nobody has to know.
Yeah that's what I thought, now go down you slut.

"Some more wine baby?"
>Fluttershy blushed madly and looked away embarrassed.
>But she's still smiling, "why not."
>You fill her glass with the smooth red drink and then the kitchen timer dings.
"Oh, that's the roast, excuse me."
>Fluttershy blinks her eyes rapidly like she's having a stroke, "don't take too long, handsome."
>You politely smile and take to the kitchen.
"Man she's awkward."
>You grab two bowls and fill them with some homemade cream of mushroom as you continue to talk to yourself.
"I don't think I'm gonna be able to do this."
>Shy asked for one date, and if you gave it to her she promised no fetish guesses for a month.
>It seemed good at the time, but.
>So far she's "accidently" spilled her wine on your pants twice, awkwardly flirted with you.
>And she put on some perfume Rarity gave her which made your whole house stink.
>You gagged as the strong odor of "Cherry Mistress" burned your nostrils again.
>You can't stand anymore of this.
"Time for plan b."
>You grab two bowls of soup and head back.
>"This soup is wonderful Anon," her eyes became half lidded and she bit her lower lip.
>"It must be those hands of yours. I've been dreaming about them you know, and what they can do."
>You blow on a spoonful.
"Yep, you should keep eating while it's hot."
>Fluttershy smiles and begins inhaling your soup as quickly as she can.
>"I've never tasted anything like it."
>You chuckle.
"Well, I didn't use anything too special, nothing you wouldn't know about."
>Fluttershy's eyes went half lidded again, and her mouth hung open, the soup pouring down her chin.
>Then in a flash she fell forward, her head slamming into the table with a thud.
"Not so cool when it happens to you, huh?"
>You got out your chair and dragged the Pegasus up to your bedroom.
>In your closet you find some rope and you begin binding Shy's limbs to your bed posts.
"Don't worry Shy, I've got lots of rope thanks to you."
"And I know exactly how to tie these limbs of yours, because I've been there before. You took me there."
"Probably should've kept your rope afterwards though, huh?"
>You make sure the ropes are tight before waking up Shy.
"Alright come on, I didn't even drug you up all that bad."
>You poke her cheek until she starts to wake.
>"Anon?"
>She gets her bearings and examines her limbs.
>"Anon, are you going to rape me? Oh, that would be a dream come true."
>You want to slap her silly, but you smile coyly instead.
"I'm gonna go south."
>You place your fingers on her soft tummy, and slowly drag them down.
>And as Fluttershy eyes your touch with anticipation, you make your move.
>You reach into your pocket and pull out a bottle of glue and unscrew the cap.
>Then you shove a funnel in Shy's vagina and begin pouring the gooey white adhesive inside.
>"Anon, what are you doing?" Shy asks in a panic.
"I'm gluing your vagina shut," you say plainly.
>Then a smirk grew on your face.
"I guess you could say I'm clamping your clam."
>You looked to Shy, but only saw eyes wide with fear.
"Yeah, I guess that joke wasn't too great. I'm still gonna glue your vagina shut though."
>Shy began struggling with her bindings.
"Yeah, I was gonna use cement, but they wanted an arm and a leg to rent a mixer, so that was out."
>You emptied the bottle.
"Out already? Sheesh, you've got a seriously deep cave."
>You gauged Shy's reaction, she had started sobbing.
"Get it? Cause you were a bat that one time."
>"Please, Anon."
"Alright, I'll stop with the quips. I knew I should've prewritten them."
>You walked over to your wardrobe cabinet and opened it to reveal dozens of glue bottles.
>Fluttershy shrieked in terror.
"Yeah, I bought a lot of glue. Not all of it's white though, I got blue."
"How about it Shy, do you want blue glue poured in your vagina next? Mix things up you know."
>You are now Fluttershy, and you’re seated in a circle made up of other ponies.
”And that’s why I can never have children.”
>You looked at the group of ponies surrounding you, and grew embarrassed as they all wore disgusted expressions.
>A mare with glasses sighs, “this is a group for ponies with ovarian cancer.”
Your face became warm, “oh goodness, but the sign on the door said ‘support group for infertile mares’.”
>”Yes,” the mare groaned, “infertile because of ovarian cancer.”
You quickly got up, “oh, I’m sorry. You don’t happen to know where I should go then, to talk about my problem.”
>The mare sighed and held her face, “I don’t know, maybe the police or something, just leave.”

>Day before Hearts and Hooves day in Equestria.
>Otherwise known as hell, for you anyway.
>These are the times when Fluttershy really steps her game up.
>After all, who wants to be alone on Hearts and Hooves day.
>A frantic knocking at your door wakes you up.
>You look at your clock.
>It's not even seven yet.
>You open the door, still wearing your pajamas, and see Shy with a box of chocolates.
>"Hello Anon, this isn't a bad time is it?"
>You just stare at her and she shifts uncomfortably.
>"Well, I was just wondering if you had any plans for tomorrow. Cause if you don't."
>She opened up the heart shaped box and pulled out a toy train.
>"You could always choo-choo-choose me, um, sexy."
>She grins widely and you continue to stare blankly at her.
>Shy begins to sweat, "um, it'll be lots of fun, we can go for a picnic, and talk, and kiss."
>She shudders and blushes, "and you can ram me in your bed."
>You notice that she's bumping the toy train against her slit, "I can feel your long rail on my caboose already."
>You just keep staring, Maud would be fucking impressed by you right now.
>Shy begins to enter her own world as her tongue hangs out and she continues to stroke the train against her vag.
>You shut the door and get back in bed.
>You feel sick knowing that your whole day is going to be like this.

>at hayburger with mom
>every Sunday afternoon you both eat lunch here
>you both approach the counter and you stare at the menu a while
>"Anon, what do you want? You have to eat to keep your strength up, son."
"I'll take a number nine."
>the cashier smiles and types on the register a bit
>she looks at your mom, "and for you ma'am?"
>she must be new
>Twilight hums a bit as her eyes scan the menu
>"I'll have two number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45's, one with cheese, and a large soda."
>she stops and smiles contently
>the cashier looks at her, her jaw hung open and an incredulous look on her face
>"is this to go, ma'am?"
>Twilight laughs, "no we're dining in. do you need me to go over it again?"
>the cashier nods slowly
>Twilight nudges you and gestures to the cashier, "she's a cutie."
>damn it mom
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyvJtv0F9zM

>King sized sequel
>next Sunday at the Hayburger
>they have a new slogan and marketing gimmick
>you've seen posters and advertisements all over town
>"Have it Your Way" that's their new slogan
>you and Twilight stand in line
>you notice mom keeps looking at the new posters and smiling
>she's up to something
>whatever it is you have a feeling that this new slogan will be the death of Hayburger
>"Yes sir, we can put pickles on those now."
>an enormous blob of a pony with glasses and a flabby hairy stomach leaves the line and you're next
>the cashier from last week sees the both of you and gives a determined smile
>she looks at your mom, "welcome to the Hayburger, I'm ready for you this time ma'am."
>Twilight giggles, "do you know what you want, Anon?"
"Yeah, I'll get a number 9."
>"would you like us to make it in any particular way sir?"
"Nah."
>she looks at your mom and you notice they both narrow their eyes at each other
>what is this a spaghetti western?
>"And what would you like, ma'am?"
>your mom grins, "you better get ready."
>Twilight takes a deep breathe.
>"I'll take a Double Triple Balty Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal-style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim."
>Twilight smiles and the cashier again stands there with a stupefied look
>"I gotta get the manager," she says with a bit of amazement
>you watch her trot away and your mom nudges you
>"You should talk to her, Anon."
you groan, "come on mom."
>"What? I saw where you were staring when she walked away, Anon."
>you blushed and turned away
>"If we can be honest here, she's got a pretty nice firm one."
"Mom, please."
>"All I'm saying is I could see why you'd want to stare at it, you're a growing boy after all."
>darn it mom there are kids behind us in line
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A67YpUs6sQ

>Nightmare Night with mom
>she's wearing the same costume she always wears, a homemade replica of Starswirl's hat and cape
>for some reason every year nopony recognizes it
>speaks volumes about Equestrian public education
>your bro Spike dresses up as a dragon even though he already is one
>you don't feel the need to dress up at all since you're already scary looking to these ponies anyway
>you and Spike walk up to a door and knock
>it swings open and you both chant the Nightmare Night chant
>fuck you I don't remember it
>an elderly mare opens the door and chuckles, "oh, and what are you little colts supposed to be?"
>Spike holds out his bag, "I'm a dragon, and I want candy."
>she giggles, "of course you are deary," and you think she may be senile
>she turns to you, "and how about you little colt?"
you shrug, "I'm a human."
>the elderly mare loses her cheery disposition
>"Oh, like that filthy bipedal abomination that our fool princess call her son."
"Yep, now give me candy."
>back home you and Spike empty your candy on the table and begin your usual trades
>"So, did you boys have fun?" your mother asks
"Yep," you say absentmindedly
>she smiles and leaves the room and you and Spike exchange mischievous glances
"I'll go check the fridge for eggs if you go gather all the toilet paper."
>Spike laughs, "this is gonna be so awesome."
>when he leaves you grab a scroll and begin writing a letter
Dear Aunty Celestia,
I need you to execute somepony for me.
>overall it was an okay Nightmare Night

"Anon," you call, "get down here and eat your breakfast before it gets cold!"
>It's always a struggle on Mondays.
>You hear multiple loud booms emanating from upstairs, "don't run in the house, Anon!"
>They don't stop, and you turn around just in time to see Anon jump in the kitchen.
>When he lands he strikes a pose and flexes his muscles, or at least what little muscles he has.
>He's wearing a colorful pink and black bandana around his head, a pair of shades, a red vest with tassels along the arms, blue spandex, and cowboy boots.
>"Oh yeah, I'm ready!"
"Hurry up and eat your breakfast," you say sternly.
>He pulls out his chair and plops down, then he slams his fist on the table.
>"This is the cream of the crop mama, a perfect macho breakfast for the macho man."
"Well you got five minutes to eat it."
>"Oh yeah!"
>He points at his breakfast, "I got five minutes with you."
>You roll your eyes as you watch him pick up his eggs with his bare fingers and shove them in his mouth.
"Anon use your silverware, and take little bites, I don't want you to choke."
>He doesn't listen to you, and he seems to growl randomly.
>Testosterone is truly a detriment to healthy brain function.
"Did you get all your homework done?"
>He lets out a loud sarcastic laugh, "of course. You can't teach the macho man anything he doesn't know, cause I've never met a wiser man than I."
>You casually sip your coffee and pay him little mind, not wanting to encourage this behavior.
"Good then."
>"That's right, good. And not just good either, there isn't a word to describe it; I am dynamic duo when I'm alone, and the last resort when the problem is gone."
>He pointed at you, "there never was a problem, not when the macho man is on the case."
"That's nice honey," you say plainly.
>He gets up and your jaw drops when you see his breakfast is already gone.
>Two eggs, two links of sausage, and a side of grits, with milk, gone.
>"Why are there no Slim Jim's in my lunch?!"
>You turn around and see him pointing at a brown sack.
"We ran out."
>"No, impossible! It's impossible to have a macho lunch without a Slim Jim! I need that beef, I need that spice, I need to snap into a Slim Jim!"
"Anon, stop shouting, there's no need to get so excited about this."
>You can already feel a headache coming on.
>"Excitement?! You need a little excitement?! Snap into a Slim Jim!"
>Anon runs out of the kitchen and you hear the front door slam.
>"Oh yeah! Oh Yeah! Oh yeah! I'm the cream of the crop, and I'm gonna rise to the top! Space is the place and I'm the tower of power!"
>Great, he's going to go to school like that.
>You sigh and begin washing the dishes.
>All the while you were wondering where you went so wrong while raising him.

>"Give me my salad!"
>You're being pursued through the castle.
>But you don't care.
>Salad is not a good dinner.
"No! I'm tired of having salad every night!"
>You run down the hall, Twimom in hot pursuit.
>Spike is cheering you on, "alright Anon, fight the power!"
>"Spike you're grounded."
>"Uh I mean, forget it Anon, give yourself up!"
>Damn it Spike.
>You run in the bathroom and lock the door behind you.
>"Open the door, Anon."
"No, this salad is my prisoner now."
You clear your throat, "I have a list of demands, and I suggest you fulfill them if you want your salad returned to you."
>"You're in big trouble."
>Twimom started to bang on the door.
"First demand, I want pizza, and I want a meaty pizza, no pineapple, or spinach, or mushrooms, or any veggies."
>"Anon, you're crazy if you think this is going to work."
>Shit, you are crazy she called your bluff.
"I'm going to start flushing your salad down the toilet now."
>"What?! Anon don't do that!"
>Fuck it you're going nuclear.
>You grab a handful of greens and drop it in the toilet, Twimom hears the water splash.
>"If you clog that toilet mister, I swear that-"
>You flush the toilet and watch the contents get flushed down.
>"Anon!"
-------
"That's why there's never any salad served here."
>Reactions at the table were mixed; Twilight was giving you a death stare.
>Pinkie and Dash were in hysterics
>AJ and Fluttershy just looked confused.
>And Rarity spit the food she was eating in her napkin when she thought no one was looking.
>Well you guess mom was right.
>Dinner parties can be fun.

>your worst nightmare has come true
>it's living now; it's just as you feared it
>what could you have done to stop it
>you aren't sure
>the memories come flooding back
>"Hey Anon, I've got great news."
>you straighten your tie, excited that you have a date to the prom
>you were lucky enough to find a mare that was into humans, cute too
"What's up?" You weren't really paying attention.
>"Well, I'm going to be one of the chaperones at your prom. Isn't that great? Just think of all the pictures I'll be able to take."
>"Not to mention you'll be able to introduce me to all of your friends, I've been excited about this all week."
>now the horror was real
>and it was wildly tearing up the dance floor as Travelin' Band blared out the speakers
>the dance floor had been abandoned and only your mom dared to be it's first visitor
>first dance jitters, you think everyone had it
>now they were all staring at the abyss in wide eyed wonder
>and the abyss gazed back
>then it grabbed you
>"Come on Anon," she was dragging you to the floor, "show everypony what you're made of."
>a hundred eyes watched you
>you started to sweat
>Twimom had shut her eyes and was now flailing her hips and limbs about
>was she dancing, or merely interpreting your anxiety to the crowd
>hooves started to stomp on the snare
>"You go princess!"
>"Rock it Anon's mom!"
>"She's awesome!"
>you stood still and watched the crowd stupefied
>smiles were spread on every face, they slowly gyrated towards the two of you and caused a Commotion
>the pits of your mom's plain yellow dress were visibly drenched now
>your date grabbed you by the hips and spun you around
>in that instant everyone was moving
>then you stopped, to your surprise there was a smile on your face
>"Come on Anon," your date bit her bottom lip and fluttered her eyes, "let's go Up Around the Bend."
>you laughed and swung your hips back and forth
>a Fortunate Son
and that's how Twimom saved the prom
Creedence Clearwater Revival rules

>"I hope you at least learned something from all this."
>The evidence was still on the table; organized and numbered.
>The empty bottle of root beer, the laxatives, one of your bro Spike's baby teeth, a feather duster, and a photo of Rarity's damaged anus.
>Twimom slammed her hoof on the table and the evidence all bounced up briefly before slamming back down.
>"Well," she asked expectantly, "did you learn anything from this?"
>The answer of course was, "hell no, please don't ground me forever."
>But your mother was the pony princess of friendship.
>And if you could somehow convince her that you learned something about friendship, she may go easy on you.
>Hey, it worked out well for Discord and Sunset Shimmer.
>You swallowed slowly and nervously.
"I did."
>She smiled cunningly, "oh really. What was it then?"
"Well," you were fidgeting and sweaty, "I learned, that..."
>Your mind was racing uncontrollably, and all the while your mom's piercing gaze incapacitated any thought.
"I learned that you can't," you stopped, "if a friend," you began to stutter, "you shouldn't trust everything you read online."
>Twimom frowned, "you've got nothing."
"Yeah."
>"So you're just stalling then?"
"Yeah."
>She glared and raised an eyebrow, "what are you planning?"
>Just then, a yellow aura surrounded the empty bottle of root beer.
>You quickly pulled a pair of sunglasses out of your pocket and put them on.
"Now!"
>An intense white light filled the room and you heard your Twimom shriek.
>The sound of broken glass could be heard, and you crawled out a broken window.
>You peered over your shoulder and saw Twilight squirming on the ground clutching her eyes.
>Aunty Celestia was waiting for you outside.
>"Jump on, Anon."
>You got on her back and she extended her wings and flew into the horizon.
>Behind you screaming could be heard, "you are so grounded when I get you!"
>Celestia smiled, "don't worry, I outrank her."
>This was an average day.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdHGX-AMYvs

>You lie in bed; head throbbing, nose dripping, breathing through your mouth.
>Yep, Featherweight gave you his cold.
>Fucking Featherweight.
>You close your eyes, hoping sleep will come despite not being able to breath as easily as usual.
>But there's more, it's not just the cold that's keeping you from rest.
>"Alright Anon, tell me all about how you're feeling right now."
>By your bedside is your Twimom, wearing a surgical mask.
>And instead of chicken soup, or vapor rub, she's got a pencil and pad.
>"Don't be afraid to get into the nasty details either, I'm going to be comparing the notes I take here to actual medical notes."
>You wipe some snot off your lip with the back of your hand.
"Well," your voice is deep and nasally, "I can't breathe through my nose. I'd really like some medicine for that."
>"Alright," she says without thinking, her attention drawn to whatever she's writing.
You sniffle, "can I get some then?"
>She stops and looks at you quizzically, "get what now?"
"Medicine?"
>"Anon, I need to study you first, see how your immune system fights a cold on its own, we can try some remedies next time."
>You groan and bring your blanket over your head.
>"Anon, get out from under there."
"No, go get me some medicine."
>"Alright fine," she says playfully, "I'll go get you some medicine."
>Finally.
>You hope she gets you something that really knocks you out.
>Natural or not, sleep would be fuckin' great right now.
>"But, that also means you're going to school tomorrow, and I asked your friend Featherweight to bring by your homework later so you don't fall behind."
>She shuts your door, and you readjust your five pillows before resting your head again.
>Fucking Twimom.
>Fucking Featherweight.

>In your room reading MAD magazine.
>Twimom trots in and groans.
>"Anon, I'm glad to see you reading, but don't you think you could read something a bit more educational?"
>You peer over the magazine and raise an eyebrow.
"Mom, MAD magazine is educational."
>You motion for her to come towards you and you show her what you're reading.
"See? Look at this article here about the top ten times Equestria was almost destroyed by its protectors."
>Twilight scanned the article blankly.
>"Aunty Celestia's butt is not that big."
"That's a caricature mom."
>"It's disrespectful."
"I dunno mom, some of these are pretty out there."
"I mean, did aunty Celestia really think giving you all of her alicorn magic would keep it safe from Tirek?"
>"Anon."
"And what about the time aunty Cadence got replaced by a changeling, how did that slip past uncle Shining?"
>Mom rolled her eyes, "a lot of things can get past your uncle, Anon."
"And here it says that aunty Celestia couldn't stop the changeling, but aunty Cadence could, how does that work?"
>"Anon."
"Isn't aunty Celestia stronger than aunty Cadence?"
>"Yes, but-"
"Then how come aunty Cadence-"
>Twilight interrupted you by groaning loudly, "I don't know, Anon."
"You don't know, really?"
>"Yes, I don't know. What does your little magazine say about that."
>You skimmed the rest of the article.
"It says that the only reason Canterlot wasn't completely taken over that day was because Cadence got a strong and sudden surge of power which defeated the changeling queen."
>Twilight began to stammer, "I knew that, I was just quizzing you."
"Oh wait, here it says, 'although, the quick save by the princess of love may not have been needed after all, if only the Elements of Harmony had been closer to its users at the time of the attack'."
>You stared at your mother in disbelief.
"You didn't have the Elements of Harmony with you?"
>Twilight scrunched her nose, "they were in the armory, we had to fight through a crowd of changelings to get them."
"But wasn't there a threat made to Canterlot at the time?"
>"Well yeah, but-"
"So why didn't you have the Elements with you?"
>Twilight rubbed the back of her head sheepishly, "because I wanted to be best mare."
>You rolled your eyes.
>MAD magazine is educational as fuck.

>in your room listening to a new band you heard on the radio
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sB9r8Iswi3c
>looking back, this music isn't that great
>but at twelve
"Holy shit, this is the best music ever."
>"Anon!"
>you gulped nervously and saw your mother standing in the doorway looking shocked
>you both shared a glance before you sprang up and bolted to your stereo
>but as usual magic wins, and your mom now has the cd
>"I was going to tell you to turn down your music, but now I've got other questions."
"Mom-"
>"I don't want to hear your potty mouth right now unless it's answering my questions mister."
>"Where did you learn to talk that way? Was it this music?"
>you groan dramatically
"No, mom."
>"Oh really?" She raises an eyebrow, "then you won't mind if I give it a listen?"
"Wait, I didn't-"
>"Thank you Anon," she exits and yells down the hall, "you'll get this back if it's appropriate for your age."
>oh fuck
>the next day you sit in your room and wish you were listening to that new band everypony was talking about
>you couldn't believe it when you got to school, you were the only kid in class who hadn't heard the album
"son of a bitch."
>"Well it's an improvement, but I still don't approve."
>you see your mom in the doorway and you groan
>gotta start closing that door more
"I hope you know that I was the only kid in class that didn't get to listen to that band."
>Twilight scoffed, "you'll get over it."
"Whatever," you sneered and turned away.
>then you heard your disc tray open
>your mom was leaning on your door frame
>in front of her were two tickets
>"Well, tomorrow you can tell everypony in class that you're going to be the first one to see them live."
>you grin as your mom turns up the volume on your stereo as high as it can go
>sometimes Twimom can be pretty cool
"Wait a minute, two tickets?"
>Your mom blushes, "I told you I was going to listen to it," she smiled, "and I did."
"No one at school can know."
>"I understand."


>"That was so much fun, Anon."
>you and Featherweight both emerge from the amusement park, still pumped from all the thrills
>"Thanks a bunch for letting me come with you guys Mrs. Sparkle."
>your mom peers over her shoulder, "you're welcome, friends of Anon are always welcome in our family."
>you nudge Featherweight
"which ride did you like the best?" I liked the Vomit Comet."
>"I liked the merry go round."
>man Featherweight is kind of weird, but whatever
>"Which ride was your favorite Mrs. Sparkle?"
>your mom waves a hoof, "I don't really like going on rides all to much, I was just there to make sure Anon didn't get scared."
"Mom," you say in an annoyed tone
>all three of you go back to the castle
>"I'm going to make you two some lunch."
>you both sit down at the table
>"But before I go, here."
>she uses her magic and levitates two pieces of paper and two pencils
>and she places them in front of you and Featherweight
>"I want you both to write about what you've learned about friendship on our trip."
>your mom leaves and you begin writing your report
>Featherweight raises an eyebrow at you
"Aren't you gonna do your report?"
>"Wait, she was serious?"
>you sighed and grabbed his paper
"Here, just let me do it."
>you finished both reports, and made sure to write one with your left hand and one with your right to make the writing look different
>"So, is this why you never invite anypony over?"
"What do you think?"

>you walk into the kitchen and begin putting away the groceries you bought today
>Twimom walks in and offers to help you.
>she looks in one of the paper bags and her eyes go wide
>you look at her questioningly
"You okay mom."
>no answer
>she closes her eyes and shakes her head before looking in the bag again
>her stupefied countenance remains
>you begin gently yanking on her ear
"Hello, is the princess home today."
>she smacks your hand away, "you know I don't like it when you call me that."
>that got her attention
>you grab the bag and look inside
>all that's in there is the quart of chocolate milk you bought
>you pull it out and examine it carefully
>there's nothing unusual about it: no oddities in printing, it's not leaking, the missing child photo doesn't look like anypony you know
>'Missing: young orange Pegasus filly; purple mane, possibly disabled, rides a scooter.'
>"Anon."
>she points at the milk in your hand, "I told you to get milk at the store today, not sweets."
>you smirk and reach into another bag and pull out a gallon of whole milk
"I got both."
>Twimom rubs her brow, "I only gave you enough bits for what I had on the list."
"They were having a sale, I could afford it."
>Twimom narrows her eyes at you, "you didn't buy deodorant."
>you scoff
"No mom, that was just that one time, how many times are you gonna keep bringing that up."
>"Let me smell."
>you raise your arm and Twimom takes a big whiff
>she gags and her eyes begin to water as you begin giggling
>"Oh Anon," she croaks with her hoof against her nose
>she starts coughing
"It's not that bad."
>you take a quick whiff and a combination of sweat, dirt, and oil creates a sour taste in the back of your throat
>wow that's actually pretty terrible
"See, it's fine." You say with a straight face
>can't let her know that though
>you reach into a bag and pull out a stick of Odorno
>you dangle it in your mom's face and she huffs
>"Anon!"
"What, you're the one who insisted on smelling me, remember?"
>Twimom scowls at you, "I want you to start using that mister, I mean it."
>you put the stick in your pocket
>"So, what didn't you buy then?"
"I already told you mom, they were having a sale."
>"Alright," she said defensively, "but if I look under your bed and find a bunch of Playcolt magazines again-"
"Not gonna happen," you interrupt, "and don't snoop in my room."
>she snickered, "you shouldn't give me a reason to then."
>you put away the rest of the groceries and Twimom exits
>a dryness in your mouth becomes noticeable, and you grab a glass and look in the fridge
>then your eyes fall upon the ambrosia of the gods
"Chocolate milk," you say longingly.
>you pour yourself a full glass of the deliciously smooth brown nectar
>"Anon! You tracked mud in the castle!"
>oh crap
>"Get in here and clean it right now!"
>you put your glass in the fridge
>"Did you hear me?!"
"Yeah, I'm coming!"
>you go to the front of the castle and see Twimom holding a mop
>she gives it to you and you begrudgingly begin cleaning
>as she walks away you hear her, "I don't want to see any mud when I get back."
"Alright."
>you hear Twimom trot away as you dunk the mop in a bucket of soapy water
>"Anon! You didn't close the fridge door!"
>you hear her slam the fridge door shut and groan
>it takes you a while but you finish mopping and put everything away
>you make sure to take your shoes off before going back to the kitchen
>you walk in and immediately notice that there's a pool of liquid by the door
>opening the fridge door you gasp
>your mom must've slammed the door so hard that your glass fell over
>now there was spilt milk all over the fridge
>you should make her clean this
>it's her mess after all
>you sigh and grab some paper towels
>after going through about fifty paper towels you grab another glass
>you were still thirsty after all
>and you'll be damned if you don't get to drink your milk this time
>you fill the glass and tiny little bubbles form on the surface
>must be some gourmet shit
>you put the milk in the fridge and you start to raise your glass
>then you hear a loud pop, and a sudden and bright purple flash blinds your eyes
>you let out a startled scream and you rub your sensitive eyes with your free hand
>then before you can react you feel the glass slip out of your hand
>it falls to the ground and you hear it shatter
"Mom," you say annoyed, still rubbing your eyes, "I thought we agreed, no teleporting in the house."
>"Sorry, I thought you'd still be cleaning."
>you wipe away a couple of tears and your vision slowly returns
>"Here, let me help you clean that."
>she levitates the roll of paper tolls with her magic and she examines it curiously
>"That's odd, I could've swore I just replaced these, and now it looks like over half the roll is gone."
>dang it Twimom
>after cleaning the liquid and picking up the broken glass you grab a new glass
>you open the fridge and glare at the now half full quart of chocolate milk
>now it's personal
>you pour yourself a glass; listening to the liquid trickle as it hits the glass
>you put away the milk and grab the glass
>the glass touches your lips
>a loud bang emanates through the castle three times
>"Anon, can you get that?!"
>you'll die before you get to drink this milk
>you set the glass on the table and walk to the front door
>at the door was Derpy the mail mare
>she handed you some letters and you stuck them in your pocket and went back to the kitchen
>the kitchen, where an empty glass sat on the table, only a couple small brown drops to indicate that it was once filled
>then you saw Spike searching through the fridge
>he turned around and saw you, "hey bro, did you get that chocolate milk? Good on ya if you did, we need more snacks around here."
>he filled the glass again and left the kitchen
>that's when it hit you
>why didn't you just take the glass with you to the front door?
>fucking brain
>you grab another glass, again
>and you fill that glass, again
>that's it
>that was the last of the chocolate milk
>you throw away the container and feel the glass in your hand
>a chill emanating from the glass makes your mouth water
>the glass slowly approaches your lips
>this is it
>you let the tip rest on your bottom lip
>after so long
>you tilt the glass and the liquid slides toward your mouth
>here it comes
>suddenly you feel a great pressure in your abdomen, and a rumbling in your intestines
>your eyes go wide and you clench your ass cheeks
>you gotta shit
>really bad
>you bring the glass down and speed walk towards the hall
>then as you're about to exit, you come face to face with Twimom
>she sees the glass in your hand, "where do you think you're going with that?"
"Mom, I-"
>"You know the rules, we eat our food in the kitchen."
"I'm just-"
>"Nope, you've made two messes already today, you don't need an excuse to make another."
>your colon rumbles and you relent
"Alright fine," you set the glass on the table, "watch that for me though."
>"Why?"
"Cause Spike drank the glass I had before."
>Twimom rolled her eyes, "fine. What do you have to do that's so urgent anyway?"
>you speed walk out into the hall
"I gotta poo."
>"What?! You were going to bring that glass into the bathroom, do you know how unsanitary that is?!"
>you ignore her and slam the bathroom door behind you
>you are now Twilight Sparkle
>and you honestly can't believe how unhygienic your son can be sometimes
>it must be his age
>he always did like getting dirty when he was a little boy
>you sigh and take a seat at the table
>watching chocolate milk was not in your schedule
>you'll just have to move some things around you suppose
>you look at the glass and wonder why Anon would even want to buy this stuff
>he doesn't really have a sweet tooth
>and this stuff is practically liquid sugar
>the last thing Anon needs is another cavity
>you really need to talk to him about his hygiene, again
>maybe you could put together a packet
>yeah that would be perfect
>you smile and feel the dry skin on your lips split
>oh right, you were thirsty
>some apple juice would be great right now
>you got up and opened the fridge
>you looked in and noticed that there wasn't any
>he didn't buy any
>you knew it
>oh he's so in for it when he comes back
>you shut the door and go back to the table
>"What should I say when he gets back," you think to yourself.
>you could ask him to pour you some apple juice when he gets back
>no, that's not good enough, he'll confess right away
>you smack your lips and rub your tongue against the roof of your mouth
>you can't think when you're thirsty
>that darn son of yours
>you can practically feel the tangy, sweet, golden fruit juice running down your throat
>a moan escapes your lips
>and suddenly there's a craving
>you need to drink something
>something sweet
>the chocolate milk enters your vision and begins to taunt you
>Anon wouldn't mind if you just took one small sip
>you reach for the glass
>then a door slams loudly and echoes throughout the castle
>footsteps become louder and closer with every thump you hear
>you look at the glass
>your throat is so dry you can't even swallow
>there's no saliva in your mouth
>"Just one quick sip," you say to yourself, "that's all I need."
>the footsteps sound like they're right next to you now, "mom, are you in still there?" A voice calls out from the hall.
>without thinking you reach for the glass, keeping your eyes on the kitchen entrance
>you hear a ding as your hoof connects with the glass
>the glass tips over and the milk pours out onto the table
>damn these hooves
>You are now Anon
>and you're stupefied right now
>there's your mom, sitting at the table, with her hoof outstretched, and your glass on its side
>she knocked over your glass of milk
"Why?"
>you cry out
"Why, would you do this?"
>Twimom stutters a bit and she points at you
>"You didn't buy apple juice."

>"Anon you go to canterlot high right? Why don't you tell me what happens there?"
>You casually sip your coffee and sigh.
"Well, nothing much I suppose. Last week a girl named Lightning Dust tore her ACL, that was pretty funny, but that's it."
>Twilight pinched the bridge of her nose, "I don't care about that, I'm talking about the other stuff."
>She reached into her lab coat, that you really wish she'd stop wearing cause it's autistic as fuck, and showed you a picture.
>You examined it, it was some sort of big red demon, fire for hair, big red wings, fangs.
>Pretty fucking lame.
"Yeah I remember that, that's Sunset Shimmer."
>Twilight gasped, "that thing has a name."
"Yep, still goes to our school to."
>You dug in your backpack and pulled out the school yearbook, and turned to the junior page.
"That's her."
>Twilight adjusted her glasses and studied the two pictures.
"The hair's the same, but I'm pretty sure she only looked like a demon that one time."
>You sipped your coffee again.
>Twilight pulled out another picture and showed it to you.
>"When did this happen, Anon?"
>It was a picture of three girls, floating on a stage.
"The Dazzlings, totally wanted them to win the Battle of the Bands, fucking didn't though."
>"What are these dragons doing behind them?"
>You look at the pic again and notice three dragons behind the girls, all three different colors.
"Dunno, part of their stage show I thought. Wonder how much money they spent on that?"
>Twilight leaned in closer to you, and motioned for you to listen to her.
>"I've heard rumors," she whispered, "that they were magical beings called the Sirens."
"Oh yeah, they are," you chuckled, "forgot about that."
>"What!"
"Yep, you know what I think it is, it's those damn events we always have."
"Seems like whenever there's a Fall Formal or a Battle of the Bands a fucking monster shows up."
>You sipped your coffee again.
"We should probably just stop having these events for a while, see if things calm down."
>"So, it's true then," she spoke to herself, another thing you wish she'd stop doing, "strange."
"Whatever," you shrug and sip your coffee again.
>"Alright Anon," she pulled out another photo, "what can you tell me about this."
>You sighed and grabbed it.
>It was a photo of six girls, though the one in the center was in the middle of a bright light and thus couldn't be identified.
"That's Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Fluttershy."
>Twilight grabs your yearbook and begins flipping through the pages wildly.
>She makes you identify them in the yearbook.
>"Alright, but who is the sixth girl?"
>"Don't remember, she was princess of the Fall Formal though, and she stole Sunset's boyfriend."
>You grinned.
"Fuckin' pissed her off enough to turn her into a demon."
>Twilight gasped and smiled in determination, and she began flipping wildly through the yearbook.
>"If she was crowned princess of the Fall Formal, then there must be a picture of her in here somewhere."
"Yeah," you scratched your head, not really paying attention, "probably makes sense."
>You took another sip of your coffee, and it was gone.
"Man, I hate this part. I'll be right back."
>You got up and ordered another coffee.
>You peered over you shoulder and noticed that Twilight had stopped her flipping.
>She was staring intensely at the yearbook now; unmoving, not blinking, almost in a trance.
>Probably found that pic of Snips with his shirt off.
>Don't blame her for being grossed out by that.
>"Hey man, it's gonna be a while," the man behind the counter said.
>You turned to him and raised an eyebrow.
>"Sorry man, our donuts are half off though."
>Your smile returns and you begin browsing.
>You grabbed a couple dunkers, you even bought one for Twilight.
>But when you turned around you noticed that she was gone.
>You walked up to the table, and saw that all of her stuff was gone, you figured she wasn't coming back.
>She also left with your yearbook.
>Fuck, that cost you like eighty bucks.
>You took a seat.
>And you wondered when you would see her again.

"Hey mom, how did you become an alicorn?"
>Twimom shut her book and smiled at you, obviously eager to tell the story.
>"Well, one day the princess, or aunty Celestia as you call her, tasked me with-"
"Stop," you waved your hands, "you've already told me all this."
"Tell me how you became an alicorn."
>"What else is there to tell? I figured out Starswirl's spell, and then Celestia told me I had proven that I was ready."
"Yeah," you groaned, "I know. But how did you become an alicorn, did you drink a potion, or what?"
>Twilight put a hoof up to her chin, "you want to know how I became an alicorn."
>Spike walked in with a stack of books, "you're wasting your time bro, she doesn't know."
>Twilight shot him a glare and he held up his claws.
>"Oh come on Twilight, nothing about that day made any sense."
"Aunty Celestia probably gave you a potion when you weren't looking and that's how you became an alicorn."
>"I mean, Pinkie gets Applejack's cutie mark, so that means she has to work on the farm. How does that work?"
"I bet it was a wing potion."
>"Applejack got her cutie mark when she reunited with her family, not when she first bucked an apple tree."
"I wonder why the potion didn't make you taller though."
>"That spell was completely off base about AJ's cutie mark, let me tell you that."
"Maybe she's made another potion by now, and that one will make you taller. We should ask her for it."
>"And how come Dash found her true self by fixing the weather, I thought she loved flying, not organizing clouds?"
>Your mother stomps her hoof, "Spike! Anon!"
>You both shut up, and notice mom wincing and holding her head.
>"I can't think with you two babbling on like that."
>Spike rolled his eyes and left, leaving you alone with Twimom.
"So," you broke the silence, "what color was the potion?"

"Hey mom."
>Your Twimom peers over her book, her expression blank.
>"There's no potion to become an alicorn Anon, aunty Celestia was teasing you."
"No, it's not that."
>Her smile returned and she put the book down.
>"What's up?"
>You smirk.
"Up is a relative concept. It has no intrinsic value."
>Twimom raises an eyebrow, "where did you learn that?"
"From a comic."
>"Fine, don't tell me. Now what did you want to know earlier?"
"Well, I want to know how come you aren't allowed to perform the "Want It Need It" spell?"
>"That's it, you're banned from aunty Celestia's for a while."
"What?! Why?!"
>Twimom casually began reading her book again, "because she told you to ask me about that."
"She said it was a funny story."
>"It's not."
>You groan and get up to leave the room.
"Fine, I didn't want to know anyway."
>As you head out the door, your mom's voice, calm as ever, sends a chill up your back.
>"Anon, what did she give you?"
"Nothing."
>"Anon, I want it, whatever it is."
>You hang your head and fish a necklace out of your pocket.
"I just wanna play with it, she told me I'd be the only kid who had one."
>You lay it on the table and sulk out of the room.
>"The Alicorn Amulet," you hear your mom mutter, clearly annoyed, "seriously, Celesita?"

"I just don't want you to embarrass me."
>"Anon, I'm not trying to embarrass you, I just want to meet her."
"Last time you met one of my dates you chased her off."
>Twimom frowned at you, "that's because she was a Changeling, and she was going to feed off of your love."
"Yeah, fine. But how did you even know that, were you even sure?"
>"Of course I was sure, Anon."
"Look, I just want you to say hello and nothing else."
>"I'm not going to-"
"Mom, please."
>Twimom rolled her eyes, "fine."
>You're not gonna let her fuck things up this time.
>Changeling or not that you wanted some of that ass.
>You're gettin' some this time.
>You are now Twimom.
>And Anon's new girlfriend is sitting on the couch in front of you, nervously looking at anything but you.
"Can I get you something to drink?"
>She waved a hoof, "no thank you."
>There was some more awkward silence, and Anon began fidgeting in his seat.
>It was time to make your move.
"Anon, can you go upstairs and get my crown?"
>He gives you a queer look, "why?"
>You add some force into your voice this time.
"Just do it, please?"
>His date gave him a look and he nodded, "alright, fine."
>You waited until his footsteps ascended the stairs and then you narrowed your eyes at his date.
>"So," she awkwardly slipped, "you have a crown?"
"That's right," you boast, "I'm a princess, and a princess wears a crown, right?"
>She nodded, slowly and with unease.
"Let's cut the chit chat," you say monotone, "you're not going out with my son."
>You got up and began pacing in front of her like an irate army instructor.
"Anon's love is mine and mine alone, nopony is going to take it from me."
"This is the deal you get: you're going to leave, go somewhere far away, I'll take care of housing arrangements."
>You glared at her.
"If that's not good enough, I can always just work something else out, I am a princess after all."
>Anon's date was still now, unblinking and sweaty.
"Also if anypony asks, you're a Changeling from now on."

>"Anon! How do Ah get this banjo to stop playin' whenever Ah talk?!"
"What the hell are you talking about, Applejack?"
>"Can't you hear it?"
>She bends down to the ground and holds her hooves over her head, like she was hiding from something.
"Hear what?"
>She gives you a blank stare and whispers, "watch this."
>Then springs up and begins twirling around her lasso, "fancy meetin' y'all around here partner."
>Suddenly you hear a couple of banjo strings being plucked from somewhere and AJ's eyes go wide.
>"There it is! Did ya hear it?"
>She begins to look wildly in all directions, "somepony keeps playin' a banjo whenever I speak, ah swear it."
>You chuckle and she looks at you sternly.
"Oh, that's just your theme music, it sets the mood to the current scene you're in, and you got the twang."
>"What in Celestia's name are you talkin' about, Anon?"
"Come on, I gotta show you something."
---------------
>"Fancy seeing you two in my boutique today. Is there something I can help you with?"
>You lean down and whisper in AJ's ear, and she nods and smiles.
>"Well ain't that the darndest thing."
>Rarity's eyes dart between you two, "why the whispering darling? You two aren't usually as privy to gossip as I am."
"Ya see," you point and smile, "harpsichord. Every time."
>Rarity raises and eyebrow, "beg pardon?"
>Then after she speaks her eyes shoot wide open, "does anypony else hear a harpsichord?"
"It happens whenever you talk, it's your theme music."
>"Anonymous," she stops speaking and listens, "I don't," you all hear a harpsichord play every time she starts speaking.
>Rarity huffs and you and AJ begin sharing a laugh at her expense.
>"Boy howdy Anon, ah don't know how that got past me fer so long, and yer right, it does suit her neatly."
>Rarity narrows her eyes at AJ, "at least my theme music is elegant, and not the backing of a filthy barnyard hoedown."
>AJ and Rarity were now both glaring at each other.
"Well, I'll leave the both of you to that then."
>You turn around and leave, behind your back you can hear a cacophonous symphony of keys and strings.

>You begin walking home, a giddy feeling in your stomach at the ribbing you gave the country pone and the city pone earlier.
>"Hey, Anon!" You hear from above you.
>You smile when you see Dash, flapping her wings and doing some stretches.
"Damn Rainbro, where the hell where you?"
>She smirked, "what'd you do this time?"
>You put your hands in your pocket, trying to look innocent.
"I kinda made Rarity and AJ get into a spat."
>She held her sides, "oh man, we gotta go pranking again sometime."
"Yeah," you point at her," so what's up?"
>Dash regained her composure and held her head high, "came up with an awesome new trick today. Wanna see it?"
>It's a rhetorical question of course, but you nod anyway.
"Listen for electric guitars when you do it."
>Dash reared back, ready to enter super sanic speeds, but stopped when she heard your comment.
>She gave you a queer look, "what's that supposed to mean?"
"Just do it," you smirk.
>"Okay," she says slowly, "whatever."
>You hear a loud whoosh when she takes off into the sky, heading straight towards the sun.
>And sure enough there it is, you can hear an electric guitar playing power chords.
>In an instant Dash stops, as do the guitars, then in seconds she lands in front of you.
>"Where the heck," she looks at you sternly, "are you pranking me dude?"
"Nope, that's your theme music. You've never noticed it before?"
>She rubbed the back of her head, "don't think so."
"Pretty cool, huh?"
>She thought about it for a bit, "yeah," she extended her wings and smiled confidently, "I like it."
>When she did that you both heard an electric guitar strum and Dash squealed with delight.
>"This is so awesome!"
>She got low to the ground and then took off into the air again, the guitar thrashing away as she did barrel rolls and shouted ecstatically.
>You watched her disappear into the horizon, a rainbow trail following her, and faint rock music accompanying it.

"That's right Fluttershy, isn't it relaxing?"
>The timid yellow Pegasus shook with horror; her jaw hung open, sweat running down her brow, and her eyes darting left and right.
>"But where's it coming from? Oh goodness, what if somepony is watching me?"
>She began to hyperventilate and you put an arm around her.
"I'm telling you Shy, there's nothing to worry about, just relax."
>She took a couple of deep breathes, she looked up to you and her smile returned.
>"You're right Anon, music never hurt anypony, I've got nothing to worry about."
>She grabbed a bag of feed, "if you'll excuse me, I have to feed my little-"
>She stopped, the sound a flute and a gentle lull of violins could be heard.
>The bag of feed spilled onto the ground, as she quickly rushed into her house, screaming in fear.
>You shrugged your shoulders and left.
>You figured out of two pegasi, one of them was bound to find the fact that they have theme music odd.

>"How about now?"
"No."
>You sit with your head resting on your palm, a bored look on your face.
>"Ok, what about when I do this?"
>You roll your eyes.
"You don't need me for this you know."
>Spike puts some books back in their respective shelves and sighs.
>"It's not fair, how come everypony but me gets their own theme music?"
>The little guy has been trying everything recently, and he insists that you stick around.
"I don't see how making a book fort was gonna help you get theme music?"
>"Well you got any better ideas?"
You scoff, "I don't have any ideas dude."
>Dejected, he plops on the ground and hangs his head.
"Look man, only AJ's, Rarity's, and Fluttershy's are super noticeable anyway, you're not really missin' out."
>"I thought," he looked around the room and then rested his chin on his claw, "I don't know."
>"I don't know why I thought I'd have theme music," he sighed, "what's so great about being a library assistant?"
>You groan loudly and Spike glares at you.
"You saved the Crystal Empire dude, twice. I'm an adult and even I haven't done anything as amazing as that."
>He smiles, "huh, I guess I am pretty cool."
>The MLP theme begins to play and Spike waves his arms in the air, "Yes! I did it!"
"Yeah," you say heading out the door, "you're fuckin' dandy."
>You head out into Ponyville, ready to go home.
>You kick a rock on the trail and quicken your pace; your hands jammed in your pockets.
>No theme music accompanies you along the way.
>And you ask yourself, "why would it?"

>"Good luck on your exams, Anon."
>You give your Twimom a peck on the cheek and head out the door.
>She waves and you smile at her.
>Then she closes the door.
>And you slap yourself across the face.
>It didn't help wake you up.
>You shuffle towards school like a prisoner.
>Four hours of sleep before an exam, nice going Anon.
>No, fuck that.
>How can you make this seem like it isn't your fault?
>School blows.
>You could blame school.
>Just thinking about school makes you yawn.
>Your eyes are begging to be closed as you take your seat.
>The professor once again reiterates that this is the most important exam of the whole course, and failing it is basically a death sentence.
>Whatever, you've heard it before.
>He hands out the exams, and as your gaze turns down to your desk, you feel the weight of your head pulling you down.
>You snort and quickly jerk your head up.
>A couple of students snicker at you and the professor just shakes his head.
>Can't fall asleep.
>Have to do the test.
>You slap yourself again and the kid next to you scoots his desk away from yours.
>The test, is actually pretty easy.
>You knew the first answer.
>In fact, you knew all of them.
>You finish the test first and proudly get up and hand it to the professor.
>He smirks at you, "well that was quick," then he grabs a quill and some red ink, "let's see the damage."
>His eyes scan your exam all over, multiple times, and he never gets to use his quill.
>"My word Anonymous, well done sir, well done indeed."
>He writes a big "A+" on the top of your exam and gives it back to you.
>"There's no point in continuing students," he announces to the class, "Anonymous is smarter than all of you poop flinging morons."
>"Yo he's right man," a zebra in the back cries, "Anon is the smartest dude around, probably the most genius homie in the world."
>With cool kids blessing, everyone else in class throws their exams off of their desks.
>"I'm so proud of you Anon."
"Mom?"
>You look and see that your Twimom is by your side, beaming at you.
>"I knew you could do it, by passing your classes you've proved that you're ready for more responsibility."
>"And it's not the boring kind either, I'm stepping down as princess so you can rule Ponyville."
"Oh bitchin'"
>"And of course you'll need a princess," she pointed at the students, "alright, which one of you mares wants to be the princess?"
>A bunch of mares quickly raise their hooves, and begin quarreling over you.
>This is all so amazing.
>But the best part of it all is the fact that you were right all along, and Twilight was wrong.
>A late night cram session for the exam was a good idea.
>You are now the professor.
>Everypony in class has left now, except for that strange human.
>You go to his desk and find him with his head down.
>He's passed out, and he appears to be laughing to himself and mumbling about "delicious ponuts", whatever those are.
>You prod his shoulder.
"Get up."
>He snaps awake and springs up alert, a trail of drool still glistens on his chin.
>You look on the desk and see that he's drooled all over his exam.
>Well that's going to be a fun one to grade.
>Oh hang on.
>You look closer and realize that he hasn't even written anything on his test yet.
>Well in that case.
>You levitate your red quill over and mark a big fat zero on the top.
>"Shit, a late night cramming session was a bad idea."
"I don't wish to know about your sex life Anonymous, I only wish for you to leave now so I can get ready for my next class."

>"Eat up while it's hot little seed."
>You grimace looking at the plate.
>"Somethin' wrong partner?"
"Mom," you speak cautiously knowing what you say next is practically treason, "I don't want apples for breakfast."
>Everyone at the table gasps; Applemom asks you why, Granny taste tests everything, Bloom excuses herself, and Mac just shakes his head in disappointment.
>"Is somethin' wrong Anon? You used to love Granny's 'apple chorizo'?"
>You gesture to the table.
"That's the thing, this isn't normal."
"You don't put apples in chorizo, and you don't eat slices of toasted apples with apple jam, and drink it with a glass of apple juice."
>Granny scoffs, "back in my day ya did."
"I'm sorry," you sigh deeply, "but you leave me no choice."
>You reach into your pocket and pull out a banana.
>"Now Anon," AJ raises her hooves, "don't do anythin' foolish."
>You get up and grab a carton of orange juice from the back of the fridge.
>"What the, where the hay did that come from?!"
>Granny began clanging the pots and pans together, "we need to get the juice of the devil fruit out of this house."
>You opened the carton and took a big swig.
>That's right motherfucker; no glass necessary.
>Everyone at the table gasps as the citrus juice slides down your chin.
You smile and wipe your mouth, "refreshing."
>Granny faints and AJ tells Mac to take her upstairs.
>You approach the banana, determination leads you.
>"Alright little seed," she narrows her eyes at you, "y'all have had yer fun. But ah'm tellin' you now, put that down."
>You stare at her, and slowly begin to peel the banana.
>"Anon."
>You bring it up to your mouth and loudly sniff the fruit.
"These are full of potassium ya know."
>"Don't you dare-"
>You take a big bite and she stops speaking.
>Her mouth hangs open.
>You chew slowly, savoring the taste.
"It's really good ya know."
>Then, your head explodes.
>No bananas, if you're apple.

>"Alright Anon," your Twimom spoke firmly, stressing all her syllables, "are you sure you've got this?"
>You lean on the door frame and smirk.
"I've got this ma, stop worrying."
>"Did I give you the checklist?"
"Mom," you rolled your eyes, "check your list."
>She giggled, "oh right," and unrolled a long parchment in front of her.
>After scanning it for a bit she nodded, "looks like I did everything to prep you for this new responsibility."
"It's not gonna be that hard mom. I mean, Spike was doin' it when he was a baby for cryin' out loud."
>"Don't use that argument, you know your brother ages differently than you."
"I'm just sayin' it's not gonna be hard is all."
>Twimom sighed contently, "I know. You're growing up fast, and I think you're ready for this."
"Yeah," you pound on your chest like a gorilla, "I'm a man now."
>"Sure you are honey. Now give me a kiss goodbye."
>She patted her cheek and you bent down and gave it a quick peck.
>"I'll be back tomorrow."
>You both waved and you shut the door behind you.
>You had the whole castle to play with.
>A devilish smile spread on your lips.
>You were the king.
>And it was time to abuse your power.
>A giddy feeling followed you as you made your way to the kitchen and opened the fridge.
>You grabbed a carton of OJ and unscrewed the cap.
>And proceeded to drink straight from the carton; no fucking glass.
>You wiped your mouth and giggled to yourself.
>Twimom would fucking kill you if she found out you didn't use a glass.
>You put the OJ back and take a seat.
>Time to ponder over what to do next.
>Holy shit the possibilities were endless.
>You could slide down the stair railing on your ass.
>You could walk around inside with your shoes on.
>You could...
>Well actually, that's about it.
>Holy shit you're fuckin' lame.
"Wonder when mom's comin' back."
>Today was a depressing day to discover you're a boring individual in Equestria.
>You lock up so you can go rent a teen comedy about colts throwing wild house parties.