Fortengard: let me present to you one of the worst things to happen to Spiderman : Brand New Day
Fortengard: SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS STORYLINE MEAN GENE
Fortengard: SO YOU REMEMBER HOW SPIDERMAN WAS MARRIED TO MARY JANE SINCE THE 80S
Fortengard: AND HOW SPIDERMAN UNMASKED HIMSELF DURING CIVIL WAR
Fortengard: AND HOW WHEN THE TOBEY MAGUIRE MOVIES CAME OUT THEY GAVE HIM ORGANIC WEBSHOOTERS BROTHER?
Fortengard: YOU KNOW THESE THINGS THAT CHANGE THE DYNAMIC OF THE CHARACTER FOR THE BETTER OR THE WORSE?
Fortengard: WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BROTHER
Fortengard: SO THERE'S THIS STORYLINE WHERE SOME GUY ROLLS IN TO PETER'S HOUSE AND SHOOTS AUNT MAY
Fortengard: AND AUNT MAY WHO IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE OLDEST HUMAN ALIVE IS ON HER DEATH BED
Fortengard: AND PETER IS LIKE OH NO BROTHER NOT AUNT MAY WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HER
Fortengard: SO HE MAKES A DEAL WITH MEPHISTO, BROTHER
Fortengard: AND YOU KNOW WHAT MEPHISTO WANTS, BROTHER BROTHER?
fitzawesome: they should have just retconned all alternate uiverses and kept the original canon, I dont want origin stories for characters i already know, everything just being redone
Fortengard: HE WANTS PETER'S MARRIAGE
Fortengard: I'M NOT KIDDING BROTHER
fitzawesome: wait what?
fitzawesome: he wants to marry peter?
fitzawesome: ...why?
Fortengard: no brother that's not what he meant
Fortengard: let me get back in to Hogan mode and explain further
fitzawesome: also organic web is a thousand times better than web cartridges
fitzawesome: go on mr Hulk "my son is a waste of skin" Hogan
Fortengard: MEPHISTO WHO IS SATAN IS LIKE "PETER I WILL SAVE YOUR TEN THOUSAND YEAR OLD AUNT BUT ONLY IF YOU LET ME TAKE THE HOLY BOND OF MATREMONY THAT IS YOUR MARRIAGE WITH MARY JANE AND ERASE IT"
fitzawesome: BAHAHAHAHA
Fortengard: AND PETER IS LIKE "OK MEPHISTO TAKE MY MARRIAGE TO MY HOT WIFE AND BRING BACK THIS FUCKING MUMMY"
Fortengard: AND THEN PETER IS REBOOTED IN THE MAIN UNIVERSE OF MARVEL WHERE NOW HE HAS CARTRIDGES AGAIN, THE UNMASKING DURING CIVIL WAR DIDN'T HAPPEN AND HE'S NOT MARRIED TO MARY JANE ANYMORE
fitzawesome: so what if Aunt May died of old age the next day?
itzawesome: what the fuck?
Fortengard: THEN AT LEAST ONE GOOD THING WOULD COME OUT OF THIS BROTHER
fitzawesome: MAry Jane gave him the power of web?
fitzawesome: was he that erect the entire time?
Fortengard: NO BROTHER THAT'S FROM THE STORYLINE "THE OTHER"
Fortengard: WHICH IS SOME WEIRD MYSTICAL NONSENSE WHERE PETER FUCKS A SPIDERGOD AND THEN GETS MURDERED BY A VAMPIRE AND HE LIKE ENTERS A COCOON AND HE COMES OUT STRONGER AND WITH ORGANIC WEB
fitzawesome: but he's not spiderman without organic web
fitzawesome: he's an asshole pretending to be a spider
fitzawesome: that one small thing makes such a big difference
Fortengard: THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE THINGS THEY RETCONNED SO MUCH AS THE WAY THEY DID IT
Fortengard: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT BROTHER
Fortengard: THOUSAND YEAR OLD MUMMY AUNT MAY CAN'T DIE EVEN THOUGH SHE'S SO OLD EVEN BABYLONIAN KINGS WERE LIKE THAT BITCH IS SO OLD
Fortengard: AND LITERAL SATAN IS LIKE
Fortengard: NO PETER. I DON'T WANT YOUR SOUL. I WANT YOUR MARRIAGE
Fortengard: WHICH ISN'T EVEN A METAPHYSICAL THING LIKE A SOUL
fitzawesome: yeah i mean PEter wont even remember it happened
fitzawesome: so why bother?
fitzawesome: who wins?
Fortengard: NO ONE BROTHER
Fortengard: IT WAS STUPID AND A WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME
fitzawesome: I would stop reading right there
Fortengard: MANY PEOPLE DID
fitzawesome: Marvel just took 20 years of my life
fitzawesome: and shit all over them