>Five robed figures huddle around a table in the dark and dingy basement, the shadows pierced by the flickering flames of several candles
>One is behind the screen, mumbling in a grim monotone, never raising his voice lest his players eke out even a smidgen of entertainment. He is Dungeon Master, supreme lord of this realm! He has decreed that no fun shall be had at his table!
>The other four stare down at their sheets, silent, motionless, not daring to look on the DM’s obese form lest they invoke his ire. Their eyes are locked upon the numbers before them, dice twiddled in quivering hands.
>The DM slurs a description of their surroundings, words lost between his speech impediment and handfuls of cheetos.
>Suddenly, a snicker echoes throughout the room. A silence descends as the DM raises his head to glare upon the offender.
>In any other environment, it would’ve been an innocent thing, a harmless vocalization.
>But this poor soul has violated a sacred accord.
>And he must be punished
>“Eschush me, but you’re being THAT GUY right now.”
>The boy’s eyes go wide, his mouth agape as his expression is twisted into one of utmost terror.
>One of his fellow players repeats the words. The others join in short order.
>THAT GUY! THAT GUY! THAT GUY!
>He pleads and begs as the others begin to move away from the table, character sheets forgotten as they prepare to witness his cruel fate
>He will be shown no mercy
>In an instant the DM explodes with fury, hauling his incredible bulk up onto the table, looming over his prey
>With one terrible, chubby hand he scoops the player up, kicking and screaming and crying and flailing. He knows this is his end, and it is a horrid one
>The DM raises his squirming prize before his Neckbeard, cultivated over centuries of denying his players any sense of enjoyment, any inkling of a good time, or any notion of fun
>In seconds the boy is lost in curly hairs and folds of fat, disappearing with a gurgle and a wet crunch
>The DM calms, slowly clambering back behind the safety of his screen, content with having destroyed one who would so defy him
>The players seat themselves again as if the bloody spectacle had never happened, going back to staring at their numbers and listening to the mutterings of their rotund lord.
>For he is the Dungeon Master, supreme lord of this realm
>There shall be no fun at his table!