Act Four Diary Part Three

26.07.07
Dear Diary,
I woke up.
It wasn’t a dream.
He was in my bed.
We actually had sex.
FUCK.
Well, I got dressed and cleaned his shit up. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose. Then I went to go make us some breakfast. I didn’t have anything fancy to eat, just some microwavable crap. I can’t talk to him.
Not during breakfast
Not heading to class
Not in class
Not at all. He wants to talk, but I ran away. This has gone too far. I told myself I wasn’t going to have sex with him, and yet I did. This was supposed to be a trap. I was going to break his heart by Tanabata but I lost track of time. And now we’ve had sex. I’m in knots beside myself. Either way I look at it, I’ve gone too far. I was going to ruin his life. It’s over. Whatever I was before this year, I’ve died. Smothered and brutalized in my bed. Fell for him. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.  But I have to do something. It’s now or never, and never is not an option.

ADDENDUM:
So this is why I’ve made the decision I had to. He called me to the park and I showed up. I will never forget what we said.
I thought you might eventually go away if I was only someone you needed to protect.
I thought that if I let you do that you might see me as someone more than that.
I knew you couldn’t look at me that way.
All I ever was to you was a useless person. Just someone to protect. Someone like a child.
I wanted to be more to you than that, but after so long, I got used to it.
After I came out of my room, I saw that you had started drifting away.
I tried, but I couldn’t make myself think that way again…as a person.
I broke down crying. He thought I was rejecting him.
I wasn’t rejecting him.
Not then.
“So Hisao…I have to tell you…I hated you. I wanted to break you. Take you down and make you as miserable as I am. To ruin you. And you still stayed by my side. Me, a useless person who wanted to spite you…”
Then he told me he loved me in the middle of my triumphant collapse.
“And…that’s what makes this harder, Hisao. I love you, too. And I always wanted someone to love me. But I can never love you. Not honestly. After what I wanted to do to you. I was going to humiliate you at Tanabata. Make you a laughingstock. The guilt of that plan…the remorse. It all weighs on me. I can never forgive myself for this. So we can never be together, Hisao, though you’ve spoilt all other men to me. They can never compare to you. I love you, and so, I have to let you go. Goodbye, Hisao. Try as I might, I will never forget you.”
I stood up and brushed off the dirt. He stayed collapsed on the ground. A goodbye kiss, and I took the bus back to Yamaku. My transfer papers to Nokima High went through, according to the guidance counselor.  I should be there in time for the next session of senior year to start. I hope they can forgive me for this. At least someone will be able to.