Anon's Wand of Necromancy

>Day Magic Monkey Dick in Equestria
>You are drinking with Rainbow Dash.
>Again.
>Chillin like a villain and looking swag as fuck.
“Rahnbuhh, hue ma bess fren.”
>Or not.
>In truth, you’re tomato faced, sweating bullets, and you stink like Spike’s breath after he sends too many letters.
>But let’s face it.
>You’re five bottles in to a thirty bottle case of Granny Smith Apple’s select cider.
>Aged twenty-two years.
>You were wetting the bed when Granny was casking this shit.
>Only the god damned best.
>Do you give a fuck?
>Hell no.
>As you sling your arm over Rainbow’s shoulders, you grin.
“Hey, lets you and me head back to my place and let me show you some new tricks.”
>Rainbow gives her best grin, and rolls out from under your very sticky arm.
>“Bro, we’re already at your place.”
>Oh yeah.
“Oh yeah.  Want me to show you those tricks?”
>Rainbow laughs and slips out of your groping grasp.
>“Not tonight, monkey man, I’ve got work in the morning.”
>You attempt to look upset.
“But Dash~ie, I gotta stick my dick in something!”
>She grimaces as drool rolls out both sides of your mouth.
>“A-Anon, maybe I should go.”
“Damnit, I have this fantastic boner and now it’s going to go to waste!  This sucks.”
>A devious smile slides across Rainbow’s face.
>“Hey, Anon.  I know someone who could use a good, hard, dicking.”
>That gets your attention.
>Wiping your hand across your mouth, you raise an eyebrow.
>Well, both eyebrows, you’re pretty fucking drunk and one just seems too difficult.
>“Come with me.”

>There’s an old mare’s tale that says cold air sobers you up.
>Yeah, no, you’re trucking on through the chilly autumn night, following your bro, with only one thing on your mind.
>And it can only be expressed through loud, off-key singing.
“Gonna get ma dick we~t!”
>Rainbow bursts into a fit of giggles before turning around and shushing you.
>You oblige her, and soon she leads you to a rather elaborate looking home.
“Damn, Rainbow, you know some classy ponies!”
>“Shhhhh!”
“Oh, right.”
>A few shakes of her tail later and you’re both inside.
>The house is as grand on the inside as it is on the out, plush red carpeting, dozens of room branching off from the main hall.
>You let out a low whistle and forget, for a moment, why you’re here.
>“Hey, bro, I found her.”
>Gotta go if you wanna blow, as they say.
>No one says that.
>Shut up, we gonna get sweet honey tonight.
>Mmm, honey.
>“Anonymous!”
>Another loud hiss and you’re jogging to your bro.
>Rainbow holds a hoof to her lips, and then points inside.
>There, on a bed bigger than the tables at the Apple Family Reunion, is the target.
>Fast asleep.
>Now, you’re drunk.
>Hella drunk.
>So drunk that your dialogue has to be run through a translator so someone could understand what the fuck you’re saying.
>But you know that having sex with someone when their asleep
>Well
>Das rape.
>That thought gives you pause.
“Hey, Rainbow.  She ain’t gonna be pissed if I stick my dick in her, right?”
>She gives you her best ‘bro please’ look
>It’s pretty good.
>“Anon, what is it you’re always saying to me?”
>You grin.

“Mares love a good monkey dicking.”
>Pounding it out, you walk over to the table and pull down your pants.
>Rainbow grins and pulls out a camera as you begin thrusting away at the sleeping mare.
>You are vaguely aware that there are flashes going off to your right side as you spread Jungle Fever.
>Only one fuck to give, and it’s busy right now.
>Again, you’re drunk.
>Hella drunk.
>So drunk it takes you about three minutes to cap out.
>And the bitch slept through the entire thing.
>In a moment of rage, you smack her across the snout.
“Wake the fuck up when I’m getting my dick wet!”
>Her eyes flutter open.
>Beautiful browns.
>You grin.
“Now was that so hard?”
>She screams.
>Rainbow screams.
>You laugh your ass off.
“What’s good, sweet honey!  You ready for round two?”
>Unfortunately, Rainbow is dragging you away.
>Ass flapping the breeze as Ponyville rockets by.
>feelsgoodman
>You pass out before you arrive home.
>
>And wake with a splitting headache.
“Rainbow, booze!”
>Silence.
“Damnit, I need hard liquor!”
>Still nothing.
>You roll out of bed and crawl to your emergency stash of ‘Rainbow came over and we done fucked ourselves up’ booze.
>After a good twenty minutes of gulping you feel the headache pass.
>Smacking your lips, you pull on a pair of ill fitting pants and shirt, then decide to walk outside to great the day.
>The best painkiller invented in hand.

>As you walk through town, sippin away, you notice that everyone is staring at you.
>Not like the ‘oh hey look, the circus is in town’ kind of looks you used to get when you first arrived
>No, now they’re staring in
>Is that
>Awe?
“The hell you all looking at?  Can’t a fella drink in the street in peace?”
>They begin whispering and you see a few young colts dash off.
>Raising an eyebrow, you shrug and start heading down the road again.
>“Excuse me?”
>You feel someone trying to tug your pants around your ankles.
>Glancing down, you see a small filly looking up at you.
>“My momma’s really sick.  The doctor’s can’t see how to make her better.”
>You frown a little.
>Your heart goes out to this little filly.
“Sorry kid, I’m just a laborer.  I don’t know anything about healing ponies.  Sorry.”
>You take a swig of your bottle.
>“But, I heard you might be able to help my mom with your crazy monkey dick.”
>Cue spit take.
>Oh god it burns.
“The hell did you hear that from?”
>“Oh, it’s all over town, last night, Mrs. Cocoa came running home, screaming about how some giant ape had ravaged her.”
>Just how drunk were you last night?
>“And since you’re the only giant ape in town, everyone figured it had to be you!”
>Damage control time.
“Listen, kid, this is all a big misunderstanding.  Besides, I don’t really think a good di- I mean, some tender love and care is going to heal your mom.”
>“Oh, I’m sure it will.  You see, Mrs. Cocoa’s been dead for two days.”
>The bottle drops from your hand, shattering all over the road.
>Trying to give a fuck.
>All fucks have currently been allotted.
“I, stuck, my dick… in a dead mare?”
>The filly’s grinning up at you.
>“So will you do it?”

“Helllllllllllll no!  That’s gotta be against pony law or something!  Necrophilia!”
>“I’m sure they’ll understand that you’re only doing it to help everypony.  Besides, they’re not dead once you finish, right?”
>The filly’s still grinning.
“Celestia please, burn me to ashes right now, I will never ask for anything ever again if you do.”
>Nothing happens.
>A crowd is beginning to form around you.
>“My sweetheart died in an accident in the Everfree forest last week, think you could help a pony out?”
>“Do you think you could shove your monkey dick up my husband’s anus?  I miss him so much, and he’s only been dead a few months.”
>As you drop to your knees, clutching your head, an elderly pony walks up to you.
>“Think you could manage to bring back my grandmother?  She made a mean apple crumble!”
>
>Fucking Rainbow Dash