1. Loop - Touched Up

It's a crazy loop about how you continuously try and search for the same answer, about what's similar in every trip... It's how you cannot UNDERSTAND others, you both seem to forget or why you can't understand it. You start the loop by attempting to hit plateaus, to further that 'knowledge' by getting really fucked up. Nitrous is what I have been using, but tonight I am on some Annie, Methedrone, and one hit of nitrous (one about two hours ago so nothing residual on that. I took a hit of nitrous and realized, that it is an infinite loop involving a moment of misunderstanding, and how you forget about what you are going to say or do. The short term memory loss tries to stop you from remembering, but I do. After this moment, when with others who are also trying to climb this mountain, that you cannot understand them and vice-cersa. I feel as if beings are trying to show you how we cannot understand how we don't know this loop is infinite.

As of right now I'm slowly drawing out the letters, thoughts in my typing, not saying exactly what I had intended to say, the explanation just barely evading. Every few minutes I get this connection though and realize the loop has begun again... The misunderstanding; the connection; the loss... And the future need to visit the same place to understand WHY it's so difficult to pinpoint and to find a way to explain to enlighten others.. So confusing. I had a definite connection earlier. Some of which I have touched on here, but keep forgetting the truest of true meaning and am unable to transcribe properly. There's so much more to it. Some might call this need to keep trying to understand an addiction, and the negative effects things like these may or may not have on people are the offput of it all. For a while there I believed that was also a connection... That we keep wanting to return to figure this out.

When people understand this connection and try and explain it, I do believe others would not understand it so much that they may be mentally detained and quarantined in a psych ward, for trying to explain the unexplainable. It's about climbing the ladder, and seeing how many levels of memory you can go back on. At this point I was going through the same steps, (typing my words without looking; looking up to see if the mouse cursor moved to earlier text {which it did many times}, to find what new block I felt supreme beings would keep throwing in my way to keep me from understanding so I could keep trying to make the connection {including forgetting to upload, the upload link randomly dissapearing, my e-Mail's 'TO' field dissapeared and I sent a blank e-Mail before reverting back, etc. etc.) I thoroughly understood how others could view this type of thinking as psychotic and insane. Thinking too fast. Noticing you had to do things to get things DONE to further progress this 'knowledge train' of understanding via doing things my personality and conscious were not a fan of.


The best way I can possibly describe this, and IDC if I'm repeating, is that it seems like a constant struggle to remember different levels of memory. Of how the fact that you forget the experience and seem to forget what you're going to say... Damnit... I almost remembered a way to describe the connection. However I'm still monitoring and noticing the differences. My typing may get a little crazy now, (as if it wasn't), but it's an infite freaking loop. I was so close, holy shit... It's about how I will constantly FORGET, being.... I'm repeating now, for the third time I repeated that phrase.

It's a way to forget and know that EVERYTHING is an infinite loop. Psychosis, this type of mentality, level... You can only seem to describe it in the same way, and you keep wanting to describe some more. Right now Someone said "There is a lot of loop here," and was referring to something in Borderlands, but it was like a supreme being purposely uttered that to me to spur my mind again. I agreed and said, "Yes, there is a lot of loop!" and nodded awkwardly. This is where the level starts where things are crazy, because they looked at me awkwardly and it was like a situation where if I was on a higher plateau more often they would think I'm crazy, as I mentioned before on how others would perceive you trying to understand it as psychosis/crazy. All because I'm stuck in this loop. The loop of undersanding reality.

You know, you UNDERTAND that it is a loop, and yet you get caught in the loop of understanding yet FORGETTING the loop right after. Right now I have entered and re-entered this cycle a few times, as can be told my constant typing. Friend 1 or whomever is watching this misunderstanding, I'm sorry if I seem crazy. This is me showing my personality, or thinking I am, because I'm apologizing to them for KNOWING that I'm stuck trying to explain to them. Maybe this is what I WANT my personality to be, but knowing that in essence it really isn't, starting the loop of questioning again. The loop. The infinite loop of understanding that things make you crazy BECAUSE you get stuck in a loop always wanting to reach it again, feeling the need to try and explain it but knowing others won't understand and will view you as crazy. People, try and understand this. Life is a playground, I feel it all is...How I say, a big gap, constantly remembering.

Looked weird again talking, the time restraints keeping me from continuing my ramble on this continuous loop of trying to explain and repeating the same things, as friends dad wants us back and we were running behind. When I get there, I will be talking more because of this innate need to try and explain, Effectively starting the loop again. It's all an inspection, higher beings seem sad that we are unable to process the fact that we keep doing stuff to try and get this answer that doesn't exist and it can cause chronic abuse in some to try and understand, but there still seems to be a connection. I feel as if drugs are an expirement. Perhaps they get enjoyment at watching these people try understand that the connection cannot be maintained, because there are infinite, undescribable connections to make, and that the want to keep trying to hit that loop again for the final answer (like I have just now, notice the repeats?) about how people do not UNDERSTAND that the amount of understandable connections are INFINITE.

There is an infinite number of levels to keep climbing, testing to see how far you have gotten to this understanding that this loop will make people think you are crazy when you try and explain, that you know you're in a loop but keep trying to explain to yourself why, and realizing that it is easy to make it an infinite quest since there is no end to the discoveries. God I love being able to talk. I find that I can talk very fluently, actually, using big words in real speech, but I find myself trying to explain this moot point. Re-iterating. Warping others conversations to mold my own thinking and replying out of context. So much repeating, but hopefully if I type this LOOP in enough different ways people will understand.


Just because you understand does not mean you CAN understand. I understood and could conclude on my previous typed points, and the amount of ways I could connect it were infinite, thus declining the ability to explain what I understood and what I witnessed because, and once again, here's a repeat, things were molded off of what I and a few people perceive my personality to be at this time. This includes someone who always wants to help others first for one. This was another connection I made as explained once before earlier... We were running behind on time to get back right? I kept sitting here, typing, trying to iterate my discovery, putting off what needed to be done. I also noted that I had to get this computer formatted so I decided to take it with me. I was still experiencing serious STM loss, but was able to PREDICT that I KNEW I would forget something before we left, generally down to the specific item on all three or so predictions.


I knew we were going to take the Xbox, wireless connector, USB cable to make bootable HDD. (Oh, and I also felt like a supreme being was stopping me from getting this computer correcty formatted as all 10 or so discs we burned on 5 different computers with three diferent .ISO's didn't work and three bootable HD/flash drives didn't work) We also knew we were going to take an iPhone cable, and two controllers. We rounded up the Xbox, laptop, and laptop power cord and started to leave. I got to the back door and hit the start of the loop again, recognizing that I KNEW what I would forget and that I did, and I went back to get the stuff. Upon return I ended up snagging only one controller and the iPhone and forgetting the wireless connector anyways. We also downloaded some emulators on the computer and before we even arrived at my house I predicted I would forget the HDMI cable for the T.V. at the hotel. Low and behold, I did.

  This connection may be able to spread, and perhaps sanity, or rather, understanding will be had. Maybe people WILL be able to interpret this jumble of words and understand that the endless loop has no beginning and has no end. Everything will always repeat itself; you quest for this knowledge, the knowledge that you understand it and understand it can't be understood as it's infinite, etc.  Knowledge gained, at this peak, the understanding at that point and time... It always has you craving to get it again. LOOP. As I have said ONCE before now, (I remember this) UNDERSTANDING gets quicker, the levels higher. You feel as if you keep trying to climb, to reach understanding, you will. Little do you know you already understand... Now all I'm doing is looping into Notepad.

I want to be a good guy though, so I have to go back because my friend is saying we need to go to keep me from understanding (this is what I believed at that moment and time, that the going back situation was created by that odd supernatural presence that had total control and all obstacles confronting me from trying to hit this level knowledge were my personality and underlying knowledge that this loop has and will always continue. Of course I would get out of this temporary mind loop, but the draw and thirst for knowledge will draw me back in the future, and I know I will never get farther in understanding whilst always feeling like I am... Because I already understand.)

Damn, I slid down again. Forgot my train. The loss. Short term makes you want it again, to re-create the knowledge. LOOP. INFINITE. REPEAT. I lost the cursor again, it displaced itself above in some of my text, I had to delete. It has happened before, but I REMEMBERED to click back in front of my text. Notice how above I typed some of my sentence in the wrong spot? Perhaps. Maybe I did or maybe I didn't, but I know if I try and look up to inspect, it has happened before. It's a slow declination of losing it. Nitrous, nitrous appeared in the game they were playing and my friend uttered "That nitrous hit rocked your world.) I've heard it before, and once again felt like it was a subliminal message from a supreme being. I keep typing non-stop, letting the words flow as fast as they can to try and catch the uncatchable. My friends are sitting there and giggling at me because I keep muttering about how I understand.

I keep climbing levels and levels of understanding throughout this entire time, and I fight to keep climbing up and up. At some point I felt as if I was talking face-to-face with a supreme being. It was my friend, but at the time he seemed so believing and understanding... I started to talk to him. To believe that maybe there is a way to control reality, and that I was being acknowledged for actually keeping my memory and coherency (minus the repetition) as well as I did. I kept progressing and progressing. It's about how you KNOW what's going on. You can't describe it, you just don't know how. You know what's going to be said, he said nitrous might knock me loose as they shot another canister, which it did... When he said this it sounded ethereal and I knew I was being communicated to. To my understanding... To people thinking I'm crazy because now, I think it is the true face of weakness for some. How it can turn into an addiction quiet easily to keep trying to understand. No, I didn't click back. I'm not the one moving this cursor back. This mouse is glitchy sometimes, but the past SIX times in a row I actually looked away whilst typing the cursor had relocated back into the body of previous text. My ramblings sound crazy right? Yes. This understanding is a misunderstanding into how others will interpret it as understanding.

Anyone who is still reading this far... I want to know... Is there a top level? I know I have said it is infinite... But perhaps once you hit a certain level serious understanding is unlocked. Brain power and mystical things may be able to be discovered. I'm so curious to see, and that's what I believe this very easy-to-fall-prey-to 'ADDICTION' is. To try and understand the same things and explain it. I'm trying to summarive, I've been trying to summarize this whole time... And this, right here does it, but yet when you read it it will be just another repeat of what has been said over and over. You probably won't understand the underlying meaning to it all. Trying to be short and transcribe it, but not being able to. Notice how I keep trying to explain in great detail the occurences and yet am really just typing the same stuff with different words? The infite quest for knowledge and the understanding that there is something that monitors and constantly tries to make you forget how to transcribe it to continue monitoring. Notice my letter earlier? On how I wasn't the one who clicked back? It's something else trying to stop you from being able to understand so that nobody will understand this loop. This sounds crazy, and sober it doesn't make too much sense... But that is how my mind interpreted things, and some of the things that occured can only be explained in such a way. How it's infinite. How the SAME RECURRING THOUGHTS that are new but yet the same keep you from being able to transcribe it as such..

It's the misunderstanding. About how your personality and deeper needs are the influences meant to keep you our or back you out of this loop. That the person(or thing) trying to stop you plays against your true personality to keep you from understanding, how things will occur to distract you. Thinking too fast. I understand, but know that I will succumb to sobriety and misunderstanding once again. To finding this understanding. I understand, but I still want to do it again because the pull to make the connection I already know describable is strong. It's a play off against responsibilities, future, and your TRUE personality (mine being that I like to think I have a high responsibility rate but really don't, how people will think I'm crazy, and how I will continue to type or think in this loop to try and get them to understand this.) Like I said, I will succumb yet again, and we still need to go. This is why I state I will succumb.

The loops begins again, I still haven't left. I still feel the need to try and transcribe... I feel close to the connection, my mind won't stop running. I'm going to lose this file because I didn't leave tags and my e-Mail is going to get deleted (I thought the otherworldy interference would actually go tihs far at that time). It will begin again, and my word will not be spread. Even if I post on a forum or let EVERYONE know, they will not understand. I will be viewed as crazy. (I actually made a post and a lot DID call me crazy). The loops begins again. I said I would succumb but have not yet. They are laughing. I HAVE to go now because my worries that my friend really has to go and my need to not want to get scorned from his parents understanding (I'm of age, btw). But these guys are nice. They would understand. But wait... They won't, because it's a loop on how you conclude you won't yet will revisit anyways. I gotta go now, AGAIN. Notice the loop? The level is infinite. I will apologize and SAY I will do what I need to do, or what my personality WANTS me to do... But I won't do it in attempts to keep trying to transcribe this. Infinite levels. I have the feeling I have to re-upload this file to keep you reading this endless looping letter about how when you interact socially, people will find what you say, but that's what you want them to do, to try and remember this endless loop.

I find it hard to stop typing, to stop thinking about it. I'm sure with enough willpower I CAN, I just don't want to. It's an inspection, a battle on how you cannot FIGURE OUT HOW TO STOP THE LOOP. This would be the basis of a bad trip thought if I didn't know. About how I think I know, but yet find myself caught in the loop of the battle. That people will not follow this knowledge of understanding to keep you from doing what you feel/need/want to. Your conscious. Understanding. Constant need. Repeating. Infinite levels. Loop. I have succumbed yet again but have said I have not. A mild bad trip has started, everything got a really weird shade of red and some 'bleh' washed over me, but I understand it's not bad by understanding it IS bad because I continue this loop until I can get myself to do what needs to be done (go back to hotel). Understanding. Succumb.