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- Nostaglia Wolf II: Electric Boo-galoo
- {A squeakquel to the Nostalgia Wolf}
- by Smegkara
- Chapter 1
- Phelan sat on the edge of the bed, eyeing the Colt Python in his hand. "It's really
- powerful," he thought. "Especially against living things." He put the barrel in his
- mouth, hoping against all hope that this time... this time... BANG!
- Phelan sat up. His head, which moments ago had been splattered all over the room
- now rested intact on his neck. "Damn it!" He cursed.
- "Aw, don't be sad Phelous." He said to himself in Baltard's voice.
- "You still have all us Baltards... and me, Sato."
- He looked at his bin of Baltards.
- "Yeah great." He muttered in his own voice, rolling his eyes.
- Suddenly, the phone rang. "I wonder who that could be."
- "Phelous, it's me."
- "Oh hello, Lupa. How's Brad?"
- "Look Phelous, I know you must hate me after all that's happened between us but you
- need to listen to me, something terrible has happened. Go to the League of Super
- Critics youtube page right now."
- Phelan did as she said, clicking on the latest video.
- Nostaglia Wolf - 30th anniversary maul
- "What? What is this?" Phelan asked himself aloud.
- "Helooooo I'm the Nostalgia Wolf, I killed them all so you don't have to."
- Chapter 2
- Douge awoke from his slumber.
- "Oohhh my head... what a nightmare."
- He picked himself up off the floor.
- "What am I doing here?" He asked himself, looking around the now empty Channel
- Awesome offices.
- "Where are my pants?"
- He was naked except for his trademark hat, coat, and tie.
- "No. No, it was all a dream. It had to be."
- He ran to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror.
- He was covered in blood.
- "Sweet Santa Christ, No."
- He ran back to the abandoned Pop Quiz Hotshot studio and saw the mostly devoured
- remains of his former co-workers.
- "What have I done?"
- He fell to his knee's and wept, but the tears did not last long as a sudden
- realization sent a shock through his body.
- "THE VIDEO!"
- He ran to the late Mike Michaud's office and found the computer still on from the
- night before. The web browser was open on a youtube page.
- "Upload complete" it read.
- "Oh my God." the Critic said, looking at the page.
- "I can't beleive it..."
- "This video has over 300 views. This is my most viewed video in over a decade."
- "This is fucking awesome! THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC IS BACK BABY!"
- Chapter 3
- "ALLAHU AKBAR! ALLAHU AKBAR!"
- They were coming. The army of the Caliphate. We had welcomed them into Europe with
- open arms and now Europe was burning and it was too late to fight back. Muslims
- outnumbered whites 5 to 1 now. Benzai baracaded the door then ran to the window,
- peeking out, being careful not to be seen. A sea of brown skin, raping and
- exploding. Gun shots. Where did they get guns from? The government had banned them
- ages ago. Nothing made sense anymore. Even his own wife's son, little Achmed Bin
- Mohammed whom he had raised as if he were his own, turned on him when the Caliph,
- Barack Hussein Obama gave the order.
- Bang! Bang! Bang!
- They were at his door now.
- Bang! Bang! Crack!
- They were breaking the door down.
- "ALLAHU AKBAR! ALLAHU AKBAR!"
- The rape gang flooded into his room. Flies buzzing around their putrid stench.
- His wife's son, Achmed Bin Mohammed, leading the charge.
- He tensed as the cocks entered his ass. First one. Then many. All thrusthing at
- different rhythms.
- He felt shame as the intense stimulation of his prostate caused him to ejaculate
- involuntarily.
- The last thing he felt was the cold steel blade pressed against his throat as they
- sliced his head off, stuffing his own genitals, which they had already removed into
- his mouth as a final insult.
- "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
- Benzai woke up screaming.
- His bed was soaked with sweat and semen.
- He'd had the same dream every night for the last ten years, ever since France fell.
- He'd been one of the lucky ones. He'd escaped with only minor anal tears,
- relocating to Quebec with the other French refugees.
- Bang! Bang! Bang!
- "Am I still dreaming?" he though, in French.
- Slowly. Cautiously. Not making a sound.
- Benzai crept to the front door and looked out the peephole.
- It was Phelous.
- He opened the door.
- "Pheloous my friend. What are yoou dooing herre? It's three in the morning. Why
- aree yoou here? Why are you wearing your Barry Burton costume?"
- "Benzai! Take A Look At This!"
- Phelan held up the veiw screen before Benzai's eye.
- "Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm the Nostalgia Wolf. I killed them all so you
- don't have to."
- "What izz this Pheloous?"
- "It's Douge, Benzai. He's a fucking werewolf."
- "O Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
- Chapter 4
- Chicago. 6:30 AM.
- Detective Rob Walker sat up at his desk looking over unsolved case files.
- A cigarette hanging from his mouth.
- He's been up all night chain smoking, dowing caffine pills with the shitty police
- station coffee.
- He'd been a devoted cop for 15 years now. Every since Mike Michaud forced him out
- of Channel Awesome. He knew it wasn't really about the budget cuts. It was power
- play. Purely a symbolic gesture. If Douge would allow Mike to fire his own brother,
- then it meant Mike really was in charge. With that final capitulation the old
- ThatGuyWithTheGlasses was truely forever dead, cementing the tyranny of Channel
- Awesome for all time.
- That was long behind him now. The old days of TGWTG seemed like some distant dream
- now. He held no grudges. He loved being a cop.
- He got a lot more pussy now anyway.
- "WALKEEEEEEEEEERRR!!!! IN MY OFFICE NOW!"
- "What is it this time Cheif?"
- "We've got an explosive situation here, Walker. There's a werewolf in my city."
- "There've always been werewolves in Chicago, cheif."
- "In the outskirts of Chicago, Walker. Not in the city proper."
- "Oh come on. I put one down in Millenium Park last week. They get into the city all
- the time."
- "Not like this Walker. Sure, an occasional werewold may sneak into the city but
- it's easily covered up as a stinky hairy mudslime. We never had a werewolf put out
- a god damn internet video before. You tell me how in the good god damn we're
- supposed to cover this up?"
- The cheif turned the veiw screen monitor on his desk around for Rob to see.
- "Hellooooooooooooo I'm the Nostalgia Wolf. I killed them all so you don't have to."
- Rob couldn't beleive his eyes.
- "Nostalgia Wolf: 30th Anniversay Maul Rus Sub?"
- "Look familiar?"
- "Douge, it can't be."
- "He's been putting these god damn videos out for months now. It's a wonder nobody's
- noticed outside of a small handful of devoted Russian translators. He's been
- uploading a video every week for the last 3 months. He's already got a dozen of
- these nostalgic review and murder videos. Between all of them he's gotten nearly
- 400 veiws.
- This is unnacceptable.
- Now look Rob, you're a good cop, but I can't have word getting around that one of
- my officers is brother to a god damned werewolf. I can't have it. The mayor is up
- my ass as it is. I'm giving you 48 hours to find him and put him down. After that
- it's your badge.
- Chapter 5
- Three months had gone by since the Nostalgia Wolf uploaded his debut video.
- Enough time for Phelous and Benzai to get through the screening process required to
- cross the Canadian border into the U.S.
- Benzai had nearly been refused entry after his wife's son's name came up on a
- background check, but the border agents took pity on the exhiled Frenchman when he
- started crying during the rectal examination.
- "Torn assholes heal, but ze emotional pain never goes away."
- They had just boarded the transport unit module which would take them to Chicago
- where they would be meeting Brad and Lupa. The shuttle craft was preparing for
- takeoff, but something wasn't right.
- The craft started to rumble. There was a smell of electricity in the air. Suddenly
- the power cut out.
- "What ze?!"
- Benzai looked around and realized no one else on the ship was moving. It was as
- though they were all frozen today.
- He grabbed Phelous by the shoulders and gave him a shake.
- "Wake up Pheloous! Wake up! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART PHELOOUS!!!"
- "AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
- "Zat laugh. It can't be."
- "OF COURSE! Who else but I could sodomize hypertime so thusly?!"
- In a puff of smoke, there before Benzai stood Dr. Insano.
- "Dr. Insano! It cannot be. Ze Spoony one is long dead. I must be dreaming again."
- "Oh no you faggoty frog. I'm real enough. Search your feelings, you know it to be
- true."
- "Linkara always said fictional characters were real."
- "Linkara was a wiser man than anyone in this backwater universe could ever realize.
- HOWEVER! In this instance he was dead wrong. No, I'm not a work of fiction. My
- universe's Spoony still lives and my existence is still very much dependant on his.
- That's why I'm hear, Ben-gay. For him!"
- Dr. Insano thrusted out his long gloved finger.
- Benzai's asshole tensed.
- "Pheloous? What do you want with Pheloous?"
- "'Fay-loose' is my ticket to immortality. The Spoonies of this and countless other
- universes have passed away and with them, their Dr. Insano's. Sooner or later my
- universe's Spoony will die too and when he does I will die with him. I have
- searched all over the multiverse for an immortal being to study and your Phelous is
- the greatest specimin I could find. In fact he was the only specimen I could find.
- I shall take your Phelous to my universe's Spoony's parent's house and perform
- SCIENCE on him, no doubt ensuring my own immortality."
- "Why my Pheloous? Why not use your own Pheloous?"
- "Why you stupid wine soaked cheese brain. Have you got bagguette crumbs in your
- ears? I just told you. You're Phelous is the only immartal I could find. All the
- other Phelouses only die and come back as a joke in their videos. Your Phelous is
- the only one who actually can't die."
- "Please Dr. Insano. We need Pheloous right now. Douge has turned into a werewolf
- and we need to stop him."
- "Wait seriously? That's weird. But not my problem. Adios froggy!"
- *POOF!*
- Dr. Insano threw a smoke bomb on the floor which sent out a plume of smoke in which
- he vanished. The smoke flooded Benzais lungs and clouded his vision. All he could
- see was blackness.
- Benzai woke up on the transport module ship. They had just landed in Chicago.
- "Oh thank goodness. It was only the bad dream."
- Benzai looked to the seat next to him.
- Phelous was gone.
- "O Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."
- Chapter 6
- Brad and Lupa were there to greet Benzai as he got off the futuristic transport
- ship module.
- "Heya Benny," said Brad, "Where's Phelous?"
- "You never beleive what happened. We were on the transport ship module when
- suddenly time froze. I was frozen today! Dr. Insano appeared out of nowhere and
- stole Phelous away to another dimension for some sort of science project. Oh eet's
- terrible."
- "Wow man, sounds like you've been drinking a little too much crystal pepsi."
- "That's too bad that Phelous couldn't make it Benzai."
- Lupa walked up to Benzai and ran her hand across his crotch.
- "I was hoping to do you both."
- Lupa gave Benzai a long french kiss, pulling him close.
- After a few moments Benzai pulled away.
- "Lupa, what are you dooing? I thought you and Brad were together?!"
- "It's okay buddy." said Brad. "We've been in an open relationship for years now. It
- kinda turns me on to watch."
- "Jesuus!"
- Lupa reached down Benzais pants and stroked his cock.
- "I've never had one uncircumsized before."
- "That's not true."
- "Brad, shut up oh my god."
- "heh."
- "C'mon Benzai, what do you say we go back to our place and I fuck your brains out."
- Benzai smiled.
- "Okaay!!!"
- Chapter 7
- When they got back to their house Lupa immediately tore off her clothes then tore
- off Benzais. She pushed him toward the bedroom and began riding him.
- "Oh yeah, oh yeah. Fuck me. Fuck me you french peice of shit. You fucking white
- male. Gimme that cum. I need it."
- "Oh yeah baby. That feels so gooud."
- "Oh yeah. Oh yeah FUCK. Fuck I'm gonna cum."
- As Lupa writhed in orgasm, she reached around and dug two fingers up Benzai's anus.
- Benzai immediatley ejaculated, then rolled over and began crying.
- "Are you okay baby?" Lupa asked?
- "I'm fine. I just... I don't like being touched there."
- "Aw, I'm sorry sweetie. Is this better?"
- Lupa began nibbling on his ear.
- "mmm. yes. zat feels gooud."
- She began to nibble lower and lower down to his neck.
- Benzai felt a pinch.
- "OWCH! WHAT ZE FUCK."
- "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssss..."
- Lupa hissed at Benzai, revealing two gleaming fangs. Blood ran down from her mouth.
- "Oh Owchie. You bit me Lupa. I can't beleive zis... what the hell are you?!"
- Brad stepped out from the corner where he had been hiding in the shadows.
- "Brad? Have you been there this whole time?"
- "Heh, 'fraid so buddy. You mind if I eat the cream pie?"
- "You can eat whatever you want, just tell me what ze fuck is going on!"
- "Well buddy, we're vampires. When we heard Douge was a werewolf we new the only way
- we could stop him was to become vampires. Plus we saw the boost he got in views and
- thought this might help. Sorry we had to trick you like this but we didn't think
- you'd go along with it, and Lupa does have an insatiable sexual appetite as well as
- an appetite for blood."
- "O-M-G Brad, shut up."
- "heh. Anyway Benny boy, you've already been bitten so you've only got two choices.
- Either ya die or you drink the blood of our vampire queen and join us, damned for
- all eternity. What do you say?"
- "I do not know! I am so confused. I guess I have no choice. I don't want to die."
- "Good. Follow me."
- Brad led Benzai down a long stone corridor, down a long stone sprial starway, into
- a long stone basement lit with candles.
- Lupa followed, still naked. She hung on Benzai. Licking him and stroking his semi
- hard penis.
- Finally they had reached the lair of the vampire queen.
- Benzai stood in awe.
- "Goot effening. I am zee Maven of zee eventide."
- Chapter 8
- Detective Rob Walker stood infront of the futuristic pay phone across the street
- from the police station. He knew it was a long shot. "After all these years there
- was no reason *he* should help me now." he thought. But he needed all the help he
- could get so he swallowed his pride and dropped 2 Trump coins into the slot.
- Paul Latza sat in his office located on the top floor of Cinderella's castle
- overlooking the magic kingdom. He had served 3 years as vice president, and another
- 5 as president after the globalist Jews finally assassinated President Trump for
- exposing them to the goyim. Latza's first act as President was to nuke Israel.
- The American people had begged him to run for a second term, but he knew he could
- do more good by returning to work as the CEO of the Walt Disney Corporation. Since
- then he had been responsible for a series of corporate mergers and acquistions
- which had made Disney the most powerful super-corporation in the galaxy. Far more
- powerful than any government, including the United States and China. They held the
- water rights for all the world's oceans and atmosphere.
- "Mr. Latza, you have a phone call on line 3. He says he's a police officer."
- "Thank you Miss Fluttershy, I'll take the call."
- He picked up the phone.
- "Paul Latza speaking"
- "Paul, it's Rob. Rob Walker."
- "Oh hello Rob. What can I do for you?"
- "Listen Paul, you know I wouldn't call you if it wasn't important. It's Douge,
- Paul. Douge is a werewolf."
- "Oh I'm aware Rob."
- "You are?"
- "Of course. What is it you want?"
- "Look, Latza. I know we never treated you right. But I also know that you love
- Douge with all your heart. You have to help him. There's got to be some way of
- helping him. Help me help him Latza. Please."
- "Oh Rob. You and your brother never had any love for me. When I was at my lowest,
- you ignored me, shunned me. Now I'm the most powerful man in the world and you come
- to me begging for my help."
- "Please Paul, I'm begging for you."
- "Rob, I hold no ill will toward you or your brother. I wish you the best of luck
- with your situation but there's nothing I can do for you. Disney corp. holds the
- patents to cures for numerous diseases, but werewolfism is not one of them. The
- only cure for werewolfism is death. I'm sorry Rob but there's nothing we can do for
- him now. The Nostalgia Critic is a werewolf now. I have to go now Rob. I have an
- appointment."
- Rob hung up the phone. He fell to his knees and sobbed.
- "Mr. Latza, your eleven o'clock is here."
- "Thank you Miss Fluttershy. Send Mr. Rolfe in."
- James Rolfe, formerly the Angry Nintendo Nerd, entered the palacial office, looking
- around in awe at the ornate decor.
- "James, welcome. I'm glad you could make it."
- "I want to thank you for this opportunity Mr. Latza."
- "James, please, call me Paul."
- "Thanks... Paul."
- "No need to thank me James. I should be thanking you. You've won more oscars for
- this studio than any other director of the past twenty years. The money we made off
- of Assholeless: Night of the Vampire helped keep this stuio afloat after the Marvel
- Star Wars crash of 2029."
- "Assholeless was a great one, wasn't it?"
- "Indeed. And now James, I'd like to offer you a project. It's sort of my dream
- project. I'm sure you've heard the news about Douge."
- "Douge who?"
- "Douge Walker"
- "Dog walker? You want me to walk your dogs?"
- "No, James. Come on. Douge Walker. The Nostalgia Critic."
- "Oh that guy. Jeeze I haven't thought about him in twenty years. What's he up to?"
- "I'm sorry to say he's a god damned werewolf. A spawn of satan. I had hoped to
- involve him in this project but sad to say Disney Corp. can't be seen to be
- involved with undead hell spawn. Not publicly anyway."
- "Damn. So what's the project?"
- "I want you to direct a remake of Kickassia."
- "A remake of what?"
- "Kickassia! The Nostalgia Critc movie with all the That Guy With The Glasses
- regulars. You were in it. You played Board James."
- "Oh yeah, that little anniversary video thing they made. I sorta remember shooting
- a Board James cameo for that."
- "James, I'll level with you. I'm a very powerful but even with all my great
- accomplishments I am filled with regret that I never got to live out my one true
- dream of becoming a That Guy With The Glasses reveiwer. I want to remake Kickassia
- and I want you to dirrect it. I would consider this a personal favor to me, Paul
- Latza."
- "I'll do it Mr. Latza... oh um I mean, Paul."
- "Thank you James. You'll be on Jimmy Fallon tonight to promote the project."
- Epilogue:
- The Nostalgia Critic lounged on the futon in the abandoned Channel Awesome offices
- where he had taken up residence. He was browsing youtube when he saw it.
- James Rolfe Talks Kickassia Reboot[Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon]
- He clicked on the video. As he watched the clouds began to part revealing the full
- moon. Douge was transforming now into the wolf... the Nostalgia Wolf.
- He tore off his clothes, except for his trademark coat, tie, cap, and glasses and
- ran off into the night in search of blood.
- He howled into the night. His howls carried on throughout all of Chicago.
- They all heard it.
- Rob in the police station.
- Benzai, Brad and Lupa in their house.
- Even Phelous and Dr. Insano in a parallel dimension could hear the cry of the
- Nostalgia Wolf as he howled.
- "NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
- RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- To be continued....
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