The Anon Who Stole Christmas [Collab w Stegtorn]

A christmasy collab with pastebin.com/u/stegtorn

>Every pony, down in ponyville, likes Hearth’s warming a lot.
>But Anonymous the human, who lived up on the mountain top, did not.
>Once a year the ponies down in ponyville gathered round for their festivity,
>And once a year the human had to plug his ears to deal with their glee and positivity.

>He clutched his head and yelped: “Oh the humanity!”
>The noise, cheer, joy, and insanity!
>What could they possibly do to work our villain into a tizzle?
>Pinkie Pie and Applejack slamming on their pone-puddlers, hurdy gurdies, and wompo-wizzles.

>Ponies cry that Anonymous is just far too uptight,
>But Anon disagrees, this whole season just isn’t right.
>However the most likely reason of all,
>Is Anonymous’ penis is three sizes too small.

>Twilight and Rarity and all the unicorns gather round,
>To summon a Hearth’s warming eve feast for the whole town.
>What good will all that food do if it’s all varieties of vegetable stew?
>Where’s the beef, pork, and lamb too?

>The silly equines banished Anon to that tall, tall mountain top,
>Because of all the slaughter he refused to stop.
>Every day he'd take a harmless woodland critter,
>To delight at home, roasted and glazed for his dinner.

>The Pegasi were the worst, to ol’ Anonymous the human,
>With their flapping and molting wings that kept him fuming.
>Who in their right mind would make the weather cold,
>To bring a new line of fashion, because yesterday’s is “old.”

>Three months of winter coolness,
>And dreadful holidays.
>Anonymous struggled to keep himself warm at home,
>They even took his supply of fuel; wood, royal phoenixes, and Twilight’s tomes.

>“I must find a way to stop Hearth’s Warming from coming!”
>Screamed the human as he wracked forth all his cunning.
>Then the Humany Human was struck with an idea.
>A vile, nasty idea. Although a little bit queer.

>So he set to work, dicing and slicing up all the furniture in his home,
>And when his project was complete, a new Santie Claws costume he did own.
>Red, furry, and trimmed with white too.
>And for his sled, a bit of wood, paint, and too much glue.

>The lights from the town dimmed, and so too did their endless tune.
>However the festivities continued, but Anon’s plan would begin soon.
>As the ponies of the town set down to feast,
>Up high, waiting in silence, was the bipedal beast.

>One by one, as the night went by, the lights flicked out,
>Once the aphrodisiacs worked on those louts.
>With a giggle, squeal, and a kick of his heel,
>The grumpy human set out with zeal.

>Down, down he rode, face frostbitten and body ice cold,
>But he was strong in purpose and will, and would not give in, he wouldn’t fold.
>Upon the first house he descended,
>To enact his revenge as he intended.

>“With this coat, and hat, why I look just like Saint Nick.”
>“The perfect disguise to pull my greatest trick.”
>The human cackled to himself, resting his sweaty mitts on a rounded belly,
>As this unaware mare’s house was the first of his spree.

>Toys for tots,
>Food, and lots,
>Drums, and plums,
>Guitars for strumming, and harmonicas for humming.

>Oh, how they’d all find this so unpleasant.
>Thought our villain as he grabbed every present.
>“Ha, what a grand and intoxicating innocence.”
>His sack got fuller as he felt no pangs to his conscience.

>Anonymous went from house to house,
>Stealing everything from toys to a blouse.
>Lifting things of value and trash worth nothing.
>It did not matter what, our villain took anything.

>Then in the middle of the night awoke a pony daughter,
>She rose from her slumber for a glass of water.
>Anon heard her coming round the corner with a creak and a crack.
>Without a moment to lose, he scooped her up and into his sack.

>“Clickety clack, you’ll remain in my sack!” he cried.
>With a dab of liquid and a smothering cloth, she was put into a state as if she had died.
>He took a moment's pause, and examined his unconscious prey.
>Fair and comely, he thought, despite hair being sleepily fray.

>As the sun began it’s morning climb into the sky,
>Anon hastily rode back home. Being ever so sly.
>He reached the summit just fine, perfectly in fact,
>With all his bags, and his new pony prize intact.

>“Soon the tears, will flow. They’ll wake up in a minute or two.”
>“This will break their hearts. I’m sure that’s what it’ll do!”
>Then from down below a sound he did hear.
>The cries of the ponies and those they held dear.

>They sung up to the sun: “Oh, how pointlessly tragic!”
>“All our presents and food gone, as if by magic!”
>“But it’s okay, the love in our hearts will grow.”
>“As we huddle closely in the gleaming snow.”

>“There is only one man lonely enough, in the entire town.”
>“Who would do something so dastardly for just a few frowns.”
>“Do not fret, the day is just about to begin.”
>“Your friendship and love, is what we will win.”

>Anon chanted back: “Dummies, dullards, and dolts alike.”
>“For all I care, they can go take a hike.”
>“But not up my mountain, that stands so high.”
>“I want to be alone, and you know damn well why!”

>“These presents and toys are all mine.”
>“Let’s not forget this mare, ‘cause damn she’s fine~!”
>“If you want them back feel free to try.”
>“But from my corpse you’ll need to pry.”

>Then something truly incredible began to happen,
>The sled came to life and took off with Anon as its captain.
>From her slumber, the equine awoke.
>A tone of confusion and fear, she quivered as she spoke.

>“Anonymous? What is going one here? Are you the one doing all this?”
>That chloroform mix was suppose to last for hours, Anon knew something was amiss!
>“Hush my dear, all is well. There is no need to fret your pretty little head.”
>He whispered to himself, hands clutched close, “once I’ve got you in my bed.”

>Away he did sail, cackling all the while
>And the ponies down below waited in denial.
>Anony never did return any of his bounty.
>Or his stolen bride, their marriage legitimized by the county.

>What was the lesson of this tale?
>Creepy marenappers belong in jail.
>Now farewell dear readers, and goodnight.
>Remember, beware of the lonely man’s plight.