Zinny in Equestria

Written in a fit of sillyness based of a Chan board game

---

>Human -10
Cause damn it, I am NOT relearning how to handle a new body.
>Bag o' Bits -5
Money makes the world go round, and budgeting isn't that hard. Its enough to get me started.
>Memories -5
Required for being human.
>Innate Magic -10
Magic makes this world go round, not having it will put me at a MAJOR disadvantage.
>General Magic -10
I'm not gonna just have magic and keep it simple. I want to have some POWER behind my hands!
>Elemental powers (Water and Fire) -10
Fire and water being polar opposites will allow for some interesting combinations. Need to escape? Create a heavy fog. Fighting a monster? Give em frostbite over their sunburns!

Overall, I would use my limited grasp of starting magic to get back to civilization. Then sparingly use my bits to provide small nourishment till I can land a job. Even if I'm labeled 'weird' somepony is going to eventually want a guy who can do heavy lifting with his arms or telekinesis.

After that, find ways to improve my magical ability, from reading and eventually trying to get approved into one of the magical colleges (Or Celestia's school for gifted unicorns... unless their racist.)

After all that when anypony asks 'Are you a wizard?' I can say HECK YEAH!

---

>Wake up
>Smell the forest air and feel myself laying in dirt.
>Realise this ISN'T the worst way I've woken up before.
>Fuckin' Vegas
>Wonder how I got here, have flashback, remember everything.
Well that happened...
>Decide that laying in dirt is not a fun activity
>Get up and try to get my bearings
>Lost in the fucking woods, what else.
>Check trees for any moss.
>Unfortunately the canopy is so thick that moss grows all around.
>Climb a tree to get height advantage.
>Can only see MORE trees in all directions.
>Climb down and start moving in the first direction you pick.
>After a few hours of walking find river
>Follow it
>Wild manticore appears!
Fuck you, I'm not doing this.
>Flip him off and set his tail on fire.
>watch the bastard freak out like Sheer khan.
>Watch him jump into the river to douse the flames
>watch as he's swept away by the current
>watch as his head is bashed on the rocks and he's turned into a bag of broken bones
>laugh
>Continue following the river
>Experiment with levitation along the way
>Wild Timberwolves appear!
Fuck you too damnit!
>Set them on fire
>Now I have timberwolves that are on FIRE attack me
>get bit and throw the bastard off
>Turn them into charcoal and then cover the ashes in ice to be sure
Freakin magical wood creatures.
>Continue down the river
>Forest appears to be thinning, must be nearing the edge.
>Wild Gay Sea Serpent Appears
"Fuck me sideways."
>"Oh mai, how crass."
"Oh pipe down. You know the way outta here?"
>"Yes but I would never tell a BRUTE such as you."
"Your hair is so last season"
>Serpent breaks down crying, pansy ass

---

>Continue walking down riverside
>Starts getting dark
>Still no sight of civilization in sight
>Climb tree and find a branch easy enough to lay back in
>Try to get some sleep
>Fail, as this forest is louder then that asian couple who lived next door
>Sun rises, total sleep equals zero
>Climb down and continue down the river
>Stomach protests of malnourishment, but continue, I got body fat enough to survive for ahwile.
>Forest finally clears into a valley
>Don't see anything for miles
Welllllll fack. Now where do I go?
>Look slightly to the left
>see a town in the distance.
>facepalm
>Near outskirts of town
>find apple orchid
>Stomach decides to punch me for letting it starve
>apples start looking MIGHTY tasty
>Decide a few won't hurt
>3 trees later
Oh gawwwwwwwd, why did I eat so many?
>"That's what I'd like ta' know ya' varmet!"
>Flop around to view new voice
>Oh its Applejack and she looks pissed
>Meaning I just stole from her farm
>Memories of Deliverance flash through my mind
>Panic
"Uh, I can pay for these!"
>She raises a doubtful eyebrow
>"Oh really?"
>Toss her the bag of bits I got from the spirit
>Why a spirit of harmony would have money you don't know
>must be the IRS, they get everyone
>"You only have enough in here for two of them trees bucko."
>FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUU-
>Decide sleep is more important and pass out from exhaustion and full stomach.

---

>Wake up to water getting splashed in your face
>Realise you're NOT in a flashdance musical
>"Oh good, you're awake."
"I swear to God she told me she was Eighteen!"
>"What?"
>My eyes focus to see a bewildered Applejack and Big Macintosh looking at you
>Smile nervously
>"Now, ah don't quite know what in blazes you are, but Sweet Apple Acres is not a charity."
>Explain how you were lost in the woods and wandered out starved
>"While that is a mighty fine yarn, I'm not convinced."
Is there... anyway I could pay it back?
>Pray to any gods that this doesn't go over pg-13
>"Well I'm sure my brother could use some... help."
>Decide to no longer pray to gods as they are major dickholes
>Big Mac smiles at you
"Oh gawd, I'm to young to be molested by southerners!"
>Applejack raises an eyebrow.
>"Bro?"
>"...He's not my type."
>Anal virginity secured!
>Few minutes later, helping Macintosh plow his fields
>And you mean the dirt on the farm, you perverts.
>Find myself moving much slower than Mac
"Better pick up the pace, or we're gonna be here all day."
>Curse under your breath
>Have moment of revelation, and facepalm at your stupidity
>Start using powerful levitation to push the plow through the ground
>Easy, like taking candy from blind girlscouts
>Finish your section
>"Good, now get to work on the rest."
>Mac points to the other 6 fields that have left to be done
>Fuckin' Farmers
>Hours later, tired and exhausted, you finally finish
>Magic ran out less then halfway through, and you had to revert to pulling it by hand.
>"Well you did alright, for a greenhorn."
>Mac finished an hour ago and has been amusing himself with your struggles of finishing the last field.
>Hear Applebitch call you two in for supper
>Find out that supper will be served soon but that you smell worse then Mac after one of his 'dates'
>Told to use shower to clean yourself up right
>Spider sense tingling
>Ignore it whats the worst that can happen?

---

>Fuckin' Murphy's Law
>Step out of the shower to find clothes missing
"Where the hell are my clothes?"
>"Put em in the wash, they smelled too."
"Well what the heck am i supposed to wear?!"
>"Uh, nothing?"
>Fuckin' nudists
>Decide to not give a damn, if these ponies want to be traumatized by your manhood, then FINE
>Walk out of the bathroom and past Applejack
>her eyes bug out and she stares like she saw a rabbit get mauled by a bear made of barbed wire and chainsaws
>Head down the stairs and move to take a seat on the table
>Get ass slapped by Granny smith
>"Daaaaaaaamn, they don't make colts like they did back in my day."
>Sit as FAR away from her as possible.
>Notice Applebloom staring at you weirdly.
"What?"
>"Why's your thingy so weird?"
>"Applebloom, taint polite to ask stallions 'bout their thingies"
>facepalm
>Dinner is served.
>Nothing but apple dishes. Good lord would it KILL for some variety here!?
>Get asked questions about what you are and where your from.
>Say I've not have a clue exactly how you got here, guess it involved magic or something like it.
>Applebitch scrutinizes you, and then gives a nod
>"Well I know as much about magic as a beaver knows about ice sculpting. Best you talk to Twilight 'bout that."
"Well thank you for the meal and sorry for taking those apple again."
>Secretly hope she walks onto a rake for revenge.
>Told you can spend the night in the guest room as a welcome to ponyville compliment.
>Decide to not turn down freehousing, plus she still has my clothes
>Head up to the guest room, avoiding the range of perverted granny.
>Lie down on top of the bed in the buff, too hot to sleep under the covers
>Plan to find a job asap tomorrow, no way in HELL are you working here again.
>Green acres isn't the place to be
>Farm livin' ain't the life for me
>here the door creek and you shift my gaze over to it
>hear a gasp and see streak of blonde and red run away
>Pull comforter over body
>Freakin' Kids

---

>Wake up
>Enjoy the sweet silence of the morning
>Bang bang bang
>"Come and get yer breakfast while its hot ya lazy bums!"
>Resist urge to strangle those would break the silence
>Find your clothes folded in a pile on the nightstand
>Don your swag duds and head downstairs
>Applejack offers you breakfast before you head over to Twilight's
>Hrm, maybe she isn't such a crazy bitch after all.
>Notice that the breakfast spread is of course, entirely made of apples
"Heh, got any pears by chance?"
>Get death glares like I just murdered one of their own family
>Shut up and eat the meal with a Stepford smile
>Scratch that, they're ALL still crazy
>Finish meal and Thank them for all their hospitality but you really must be going
>GTFO like the devil is on your heals
>Realise you forgot to ask directions
>Screw it, how hard can a library tree be hard to find?
>3 hours later
>Sprawled out on a city bench you find yourself lost
>Ponies are going out of their way to avoid you when you try to ask for directions
>One even jumped through a window, INTO a building to escape
>Suddenly PINK obscures your view
>"Hi there!"
>You cringe at the sudden high pitched voice in your ears and scramble get the pink out of your face
>Find yourself levitating an upside down Pinkie Pie
>"Ooooooh, you can do magic?! That's cool! My friendtwilightcandomakeofcourseshe-
>Decide first you're going to learn is time magic so you can understand what the HELL Pinkie is saying.
>You walk away, but she follows and continues blathering
>You wonder if she just injects sugar into her bloodstream like a cocaine addict
>"-Withcakeandgamesandallthatcollstuffsodoesthatsoundlikefun?"
>Realize she's waiting for a response
"Um, maybe later? Right now I really got to find the town library."
>"You mean the one we've past by twice already?"
>She points back two blocks to the giant tree you apparently missed.
>Freaking Ponies

---

>Go up to the library door
>Thank Pinkie for her wonderful... conversation?
>She bobs her head and hops away like a jackrabbit on Redbull.
>Open library door
"Ello?"
>Find the library empty, decide to enter and peruse the books
>Find that the books are all written in pony language
"Fack."
>Place book back and hear voices up the stairs
>"I'm telling you Twilight I know they're real!"
>"And I'm telling you, that it's nothing but an old mares tale!"
>The voices start coming down the stairs, you hide to the side out of view of the staircase
>"But Twilight-"
>"NO BUTS! I'm telling you, Lyra, there are NO such things as HUMANS!"
>Well, who the heck would ignore a setup like that?
"Ello!"
>Experience the lovely feeling of being thrown like a rag doll into a wall and have a legion of books bury you
>Minutes later, have a comical bandage around your head and Twilight fiercely apologizing
>Notice Lyra hasn't moved and she still has that creepy wide smile on her face
>Explain your situation to Twilight, xnay on the portal though
>"Oh, well, I have plenty of books on magic, and if you're looking for a job town hall always has a 'help wanted' board."
>About the thank her for her time, but you are encased in a yellow glow and levitated beside Lyra
>"Oh! If you need money I can pay you if you tell me about humans!!!"
>Look at Lyra suspiciously
>Being a guinea pig for a crazed human obsessed pony sounds like a bad idea, your brain tells you
>Eh, shut up brain, free money
>brain can't argue with that logic
>Agree, and wave goodbye to Twilight as Lyra walks away with you
>5 minutes later
>Strapped to a table and Lyra's about to perform a vivisection
>Shoulda seen this one coming.
>Fucking Lyra

---

>>9118431
>Lyra rants about how they all thought she was crazy for believing in humans
>They were sure on the mark about the 'crazy' part
>"And now, when I have all your organs and your precious hands, NOPONY will deny my claims!"
>Jam the X button to escape!
>Struggling breaks one of the restraints
>"GAH! No! I just can't let you go!"
>Lyra tries to hold you down
>Use magic to slam her against the ceiling and encase her in ice to hold her there.
>Remove the restraints much to Lyra's pouting.
>"But I was sooooo close!"
"Get some therapy and we'll talk then."
>Door smashes down to reveal angry Bon-Bon
>She looks at the scene and her eyes glow with rage
>"How dare you harm my Lyra!"
>Roll eyes
"B***h please, she tried to go all Dexter on me. Besides, what are you gonna do about it."
>She pulls out a rolling pin, encased in barbed wire
>FACK, blunt weapons, your one weakness.
>Dive out the window like an Olympic swimmer
>crash into the ground like a special Olympic runner
>F***in' Ponies

---

>Go to hospital to get fixed up
>Doctor doesn't know what the fuck to do about you
>Steal morphine and bandages
>Hide in a room from the orderlies
>"What the hay are you?"
>See Rainbow Dash in hospital with a broken wing
"I'm a figment of your imagination."
>"No, I usually imagine Pinkie pie waving her flank in my fa-"
>She tells you to forget what she just said
>Start performing basic first aid
>Ohhhhhh that morphine is the gooooooooood shit
>"So, what the heck are you?"
>You give her a brief history of your adventures so far
>"Yeah, Lyra's a little... weird."
>As are the rest of the ponies in this town
>Spend the next few moments talking with RD
>She's a little bitchy, and arrogant, but she at isn't trying to cut you open or make you work for her.
>Orderlies burst in
>"Stop right there, criminal scum!"
>Run to the window
>Open the window this time
"You'll never take me alive!"
>jump out of window
>On the 6th floor
"FUUUUUUU-"
>Remember you can teleport
>Teleports safely into a nearby haystack
>Assassin as fuck
>orderlies run past and you jump out of the haystack and run behind a building
>sneak into building
>Hope there aren't any more surprises after this
>"SUPRISE!"
>Fuckin' Pinkie Pie

---

>Be surprised from the sudden onslaught of lights and loud noises
>be even more surprised when you used you magic to defend yourself
>Be slightly embarrassed when it turns out you froze solid most of the guests at your suprise party
>"N-n-now thats-s-s wh-what I call a ch-chilly reception!"
>Except Pinkie Pie, she ducked
>Facepalm
"Pinkie, what the hell is this?"
>"It's your welcome to Equestria party silly!"
>True to her word there is a banner saying "Welcome Anon." and an assortment of food at a nearby table
>All of it frozen in place now
"Looks like we'll have to put the party... on ice for now."
>Hear a pony outside scream "Yeahhhhhh!"
"Look Pinkie Pie, I'm afraid now isn't a good time."
>Her faces starts to look sad
"And not to mention I KINDA think everyone in here doesn't like being popslicles."
>"No worries! I gotcha covered.
>She takes out a single hairdryer and turns it on
"Pinkie..."
>"Oh, right!"
>Turns it on high heat
>facepalm
"I've gotta get going, I still haven't found any work."
>Pinkie Pie  gasps and her eyes shine
>"You need a job?! Well why didn't ya say so! The cakes are looking for an extra hoof around the kitchen and you'd be perfect!"
>She drags you out out the door
"I don't know the first thing about baking!"

>YOU ARE BERRY PUNCH
>You are currently frozen solid, as is the rest of the party
>You were just about to finally have a drink of some of the 'good stuff'
>and now all you feel is the piercing chill of the ice and the searing pain of a hairdryer buring your rear.
>Fuckin' Humans

---

>You are ANON
>You are being dragged by Pinkie Pie to sugarcube corner against your will
>You try using magic against her, it has no effect!