when i was little, my dad was a pizza man
    id only ever see him when he came home from work, which was usually after i went to bed
    i remember one time i was talking to my mom and i told her "i feel like dad is a stranger, i never see him"
    a few years later he quit his job
    i started seeing him more and more
    and i started to understand what my mom was doing when she was drinking
    when i was in th grade, they separated
    i didnt really get it at the time
    but it was because she smoked and dranked
    smoked weed*
    i think
    i cant even remember but
    i think i stayed at my dad's on the weekends
    my mom and i faught a lot
    usually we'd end up crying and hugging eachother
    my dad and i never really faught except when i didnt want to do something
    then my mom got ill
    when it started she just felt a little numb
    then she had trouble walking, so she started using a stepladder like a walker
    she went to the hospital and had to stay there and do physical therapy
    she was numb pretty much everywher
    after a few months she could come home
    and she had to use a wheelchair
    i remember
    the last time i hung out with one of my friends was around when she started using the walker
    and then
    it was my aunt that told me when she went to the hospital, when i was at my cousin's
    she was fine for about a year
    my uncle moved in after divorcing his wife and my cousin would come over every other week
    my other uncle's halfdaughter also moved in at a later date
    her boyfriend didnt live with us, but he was almost always over
    one day they brought home a dog
    i was at first really mad because i didnt like dogs
    but then i really loved dogs
    and i really loved THAT dog
    my dad and i were preparing for our yearly visit to my grandparents in michigan
    i said goodbye to my mom and kissed and hugged her and told her i'd be back after the trip
    and that was the last time i ever spoke to her
    while we were in the cabin, my dad got a call, and he went outside to get a better signal
    it was starting to rain
    he was out there for a long time
    so we went outside to see what was up
    i could see him holding his forehead with his hands through his hair while he looked out toward the corn fields on the hills of my grandparent's land
    he turned around and looked at us and it was the first time i had ever seen my father crying
    we walked towards eachother
    we were next to the corner of the cabin
    i remember it all
    he looked at me
    he dropped his arm to stop speaking on the phone for a minute
    and he said
    "your mom's dead"