Hotline Waffegeist, Christmas Special (non-canon)

Hotline Waffegeist, Christmas Special (NON-CANON)

December 24th, 11:00pm the Apartment
>You are sitting on the couch, watching another random Christmas special for the hundredth time.
>In the bedroom, Viveca had kicked you out, as she had some things she did not want you to see.
>You had already bought Viveca her gifts, and like a curious child, she kept trying to look and guess what you bought her.
>And deviously, you only had revealed just a few presents and put them under the tree.
>But you knew places to hide gifts she wouldn’t guess to look.
>But even then, the remaining presents were not that much to begin with.
>For a while now, it had been quiet and relaxing; the much needed rest you deserved.
>You were unsure how Viveca would celebrate Christmas. However, since she is now a gun residing in the USA, you may as well take this time to have her adopt more American traditions.
>She seemed to be enjoying it, despite trying to hide her enjoyment and thinking some of the decorations of stockings and a tree a little hokey.
>Looking at the clock, you see it was reading 11:02pm
“Viveca, hurry up with the gift wrapping, it’s almost midnight!”
>”Ostýn'! Almost done!” Viveca shouted from the bedroom.
“I can, but Santa can’t.”
>“Der'mó…”
“Language, lady.”
>Viveca had come out with a couple of presents and set them by the tree.
>Once underneath, she sat down on the couch and began watching the tail end of “The Year Without a Santa Claus.”
>”This movie is silly, papa. Why are you watching movie again for hundredth time?”
“It’s a timeless classic, and it’s really the only time of the year I can watch it.”

>With the movie over at 11:30, you both got up from the couch, and prepared for bed.
>Viveca got into her oversized T-shirt and out of her Adidas pants, and you into a wife-beater and your boxers.
>After the both of you brushed your teeth, the both of you laid in bed and went to sleep.
>But for you, you set your watch to go silently go off at 2:00am to place the remaining presents under the tree.

December 25th, 12:01am, The Apartment
*Ring ring*
”Fuck, who is calling at this hours of night.” you thought to yourself.
>Getting to the main room, you find that it was the mysterious cellphone ringing.
“Of all the days…” you mutter as you pick up the phone, hearing an elderly female voice on the other end.
>”Good evening Boar, this is Ms. Claus from the North Pole. My husband has gone missing, and we’re the closest one who can save him. He was last seen over 1225 Tidings Road. Come downstairs, and there will await you a sleigh. Be sure to bring something warm.”
>*click*
>In your mind you decided to not care, and just go with it.
>Going back to your room, you shake Viveca, waking her up.
>”Blyat, what time is it, Papa?”
“Just past midnight, and I just got a call from Ms. Claus. Up and at ‘em, girl.”
>”Cyka blyat, really?”
“Get your pants on, and a longs leave shirt. Looks like we’re not staying in this area for where we’re going.”
>Viveca gets out of bed and begins to change, while you yourself put on a pair of jeans and the only forms of warmth you have; a light fleece coat.
>The two of you head down, and grab your masks and your plate carrier from the van, along with all other necessary equipment and three 8-round magazines, in addition to the magazine she already had attached.
>Walking outside, to the dismay of the both of you, there was a sleigh with reindeer at its front and a small person on the front, wearing an elk mask and what looked like a set of green Santa elf cloths.
>The two of your get in the back of the sleigh, and with person in front whipping the reins.
>The two of you look at each other in complete wonder as to the events unfolding before you; the sleigh began to fly in the air.
>”Papa, is this how Americans celebrate Christmas?”
“Not as far as I am aware of.” you said in disbelief.

>You arrive at a mountain range, with a blizzard blowing beneath the cloud line
>Moving above the clouds, the sleigh arrives at a fortress of ice, above the clouds.
>You, clearly underdressed for such weather, felt the horrid cold chill of the winds and below freezing temperatures of the region.
>Viveca, on the other hand, seemed to feel more at home and was likely taking in the nostalgia of the feeling of cold weather instead of the humid heat of L.A.
>On top of the fortress, you see a second sleigh and reindeer team on the roof, with one of the reindeer flashing red.
>The elf lands the sleigh on the roof, dropping both you and Viveca off.
>”We believe Santa is in the bottom level here. However, going from the entrance would be disastrous, so you have to make your way down. Find Santa as fast as you can and get him out, or else the both of you shall forever be on the naughty list.” commanded the elf.
>”Cyka blyat…” sighed Viveca.
>The elf shot her a nasty glare, to which she responded giving him the finger.
>You grab Viveca, in which she reverted into her vepr-12 form.
>You get out of the sleigh, and begin searching for an entrance.
>Without one in sight, you fire three shots on the roof, creating a hole.
>Slamming the heel of your boots, you create a larger hole for which you can enter from.
“Knock knock.”
>You jump down the hole and enter the frozen fortress.

>You fall a good 10ft, and roll to divert the force of the fall from your legs to the rest of your body.
>”Cyka blyat! Dolboeb elf is going to get us killed!” shouted Viveca
>Already in enemy territory, you had no time to respond.
>Looking around, no one was in sight, for now, but you head the sound of small footsteps.
>You ready Viveca for an ensuring battle to come.

>From a nearby stair case came a group of 20 of….blue goblin looking things in santa outfits and snowmen?
>In their hands, the blue goblins are they’re carrying comically large candycanes, while the snowmen just have their stick or snow arms.
>Stealing yourself, you fire at the leading goblin, blowing its head clean off, splattering a viscous brown liquid all over.
>However, the mass of goblins and snowmen remain unperturbed and continued to charge.
>You continue to fire away at them as fast as you could, without bothering to aim
>With each shot, another goblins blew into pieces with more of that brown liquid splattering everywhere.
>You then tried firing a shot at the snowmen, and with it they too exploded in a blast of snow.
>However, they still kept moving, despite their injuries.
>*Click click* you just ran out, and the horde of 7ish more goblins and 6 snowmen were too close by.
>You drop Viveca down and ready yourself for a brawl.
>Viveca quickly picks up one of the oversized candycanes that had landed near you and takes a swing at the first goblin that reach, slamming it hard in its face.
>You punch the head of a snowman blowing it clean off, then proceeded to grab its midsection, and throw it at a goblin that approached, knocking it down.
>Viveca continued to bash another goblin continuously over the head, as you leaped past her and punted a goblin approaching into a snowman, blowing out its midsection.
>Past your shoulder, Viveca threw the candycane into the head of a snowman, in which you violently grabbed it out, crushed the goblin you knocked out earlier, and kicked the snowman’s midsection out.
>Another goblin came running at you, in which you grabbed it by its oversized nose, and tore its head out from its body.
>Viveca, from behind, tackled a snowman, and using its midsection slammed it on a goblin and stomped on its head, creating a splash of brown liquid.
>With one more snowman to go, you grab Viveca, and toss her at the snowman, to which she kicked apart at impact.

>Using her finger, Viveca wipes some of the brown liquid with her finger.
>She then lifts up her mask high enough to reveal her mouth, and places the finger in her mouth to taste the brown liquid.
>”Papa…goblin blood tastes just like…chocolate?”
“The fuck is wrong with this place? Whatever, we still need to get to Santa fast.”
>”I hope you have lots of alcohol tomorrow, Papa, because this place is fignjá”
>Grabbing Viveca, you head the stairs, changing her empty magazine with fresh 00 buckshot.
>Down the way, some more goblins were heading towards your direction.
>And like the idiotic fools they were, you kept blasting them into a shower of liquid chocolate.
>With so many goblins around, you had to change another magazine on Viveca, now leaving you with only one magazine left on reserve.
>You reached what seemed to be the ground floor, but no Santa in sight.
>Behind you was a trail of dead goblins, with snowmen trying to pelt you with snowballs from the upper floors, with little effect.

“Viveca, any idea how Santa could honestly have been kidnapped by these little fucks?”
>”Why ask me? Santa is Western invention.” Viveca responded back, in an annoyed manner.
“Well then any idea what could have-“
>”THE BEAST AND HIS PET ARE THERE!” yelled some voice high shrilled voice. “SEND IN THE ABOMINAL SNOWMAN!”
>Just then, a gate from the other side of the place began opening up.
>There before you was an 8ft ape-like being covered in fur with sharp teeth.
>Not letting the beast have a chance to get the upper hand, you begin firing three shots at its center of mass.
>Despite doing so, it only knocked it back a bit, angering the beast.
>It charged at you waving in every direction going berserk.
>You fire another shot at its center, still with no effect.
>It charged again, with you diving out of its way at the last moment, causing it to crash into a wall, sending it on its butt.
>Taking the opportunity of it being momentarily stunned, you run up, kick it hard in the chest, sending it down completely on the ground and completely unload on its head, blowing its cranium and face clean off.
>Unlike the goblins before, fresh red gore covered the area.
>Looking around, you see that there were stairs going down from its cage.

>With the beast now dead, you ran towards one of the halls, looking for another set of stairs going down.
>Moving, your change Viveca’s magazine, giving her the final fresh one.
>After gunning down a couple of fleeing goblins and punching out a few snowmen, you found some stairs leading downward
>At the bottom, you came down to an open room, with a large cell cell at the other end.
>Inside the cell was a large man with a bear in well-crafted fur suit, now looking partially torn.
>Getting closer, you can see that this man was Santa, and despite what Coca-cola advertisement and Christmas specials show, he was not wearing a red suit.
>”Ho, ho, ho! I thought the Mises might have sent someone, but I didn’t expect you, Boar.”
“Happens when one has a hotline to solve problems.”
>You see that the cell has an internal lock, and looks as though it could be blasted away with Viveca, even if you brought your master locks.
>”NO SO FAST, HUMAN!”
>Turning around, you see a large, elderly looking old man, with skin of ice, and robes that of snow.
>”SANTA INTRUDED HERE FOR THE VERY LAST TIME, AND I WILL MAK-“
>You threw Viveca right at him, to which she reverted to her human form, and punched him to the ground.
>With the both of you looking down at him, the both of you crush his arms under your feet, and in a swift movement, you grab Viveca and point her right at his face.
>”No! wai-“
*BAM!”
>Hanging around what was left of his neck, you grab the key and unlock the cell door.
“Your sleigh and one of your elves are up above, can you walk?”
>”Ho, ho, ho, I could use some help. The goat and my capture has immobilized me a little.”
>You set down Viveca, who kept point while you helped Santa out of the dungeon room.
>With the master of the fortress dead, the snowmen were no longer animated, and the goblins ran for their life.
>Back at the top floor, you called out to the elf above, who dropped you a robe.
>One by one, you all made it back above in one piece.
“Ho, ho, ho, I have to thank you two for saving me from that warlock. If you didn’t save me, Christmas surely would have been canceled!”
>Neither you nor Viveca responded.
>The both of you were too tired and still numb to all of the events that had just occurred.
>Reaching into your pocket, you notice you also forgot your smokes.
>”Hmm, you don’t believe I’m here do you? Well, maybe you will in the morning.”
>With that, he snapped his fingers and wiggled his nose and the world suddenly turned black.

December 25th, 8:30am, The Apartment
>You get up from bed and quickly check your watch.
>8:30am
“Oh shit, I overslept.” you thought to yourself. “Her presents are still hidden away, shit.”
>To your side, you notice Viveca also waking up.
>The amount of bedhead she was sporting completely covered up her boar ears.
>”It morning yet?”
“A merry Christmas to you.” you said, as you rubbed her head.
>”Mmm, merry Christmas to you too, Papa.”
>The two of your get out of bed, and leave the bedroom.
>And there, in the living room, your tree was packed with gifts, vastly outnumbering what you bought Viveca.
>”So dream was real?” Viveca said, looking completely stunned.
“Yeah, looks like it was real.”

>The watch on your arm begins to vibrate.
>Suddenly you find yourself back in your bed, with the watch reading 2:00am.
>To your side, you hear Viveca sleeping soundly.
>Getting out carefully from bed, you watch to see if Viveca reacts with any ear twitching.
>Safely up, you carefully move out of the room, and go to where you hid the remainder of Viveca’s gifts.
>With them in your arms, you place them under the tree carefully around where Viveca and you left your own, making sure to not a peep.
>As you were about to get up, a present catches your eye.
>Looking at the tag it read “Merry Christmas, ********! What you have done all year is naughty, but you have been nice to many more.”
>You get up and take in a big sigh.
“That’s it, we’re going to church today.”