How Far Chapter 3: Burning Books

	I need to sleep more, I decide, as I rub my head from where it had hit the table. I had been reading a new book when I must have fallen asleep, and eventually fallen over and hit my head on the desk. There are a few students in here, including a girl with shoulder-length brown hair who looks at me, giggling. I smile slightly at her, and stand up, leaving the small pile of books laying on the table. They’ll still be here when I got back.

	I decide to go and look and see if Hanako is in her corner. After this morning’s fun, I had decided to check in on the library. It would be remaining open over the summer for students who intended to stay on campus, and I figured that it was as good a place as any to spend a day where you had nothing to do.

	When I had first arrived, after gathering a small stack of books, I had checked to see if Hanako was here. Sadly, she wasn’t, so I was left to myself. It had been some time since then though, and when I get to the back of the library she is indeed there. However, she already has some company. Sitting next to her on the beanbag is a girl from our class, one whose name escapes me. Her brown hair and different colored eyes are focused on a laptop, and Hanako seems to be reading something off to her. She gives off an Aura of professionalism as she types away, and I decide that it’s best not to disturb them.

	As I walk away, I remember that girl was in the newspaper club with Hanako, one of the girls that she would be leaving with soon on their trip to tour Japan. I smile a bit at how much she has grown, and that even without Lilly to fall back on, she has really come into her own. She’ll be fine.

	Me? I’m not so sure about.

	My empty summer plans come to my mind once again

	The thought of asking Hanako if I could tag along with her briefly crosses my mind, however I dismiss it almost as soon as it appears. She’s doing so well now, I would hate to get in the way of her and her new friends.

	I stop by the place where I had fallen asleep briefly and scoop up the remaining books I had left there when I notice one of the books is missing. In fact, it was the one that I had been reading. I begin looking around the table when I hear somebody clear their throat from behind me.

	“Ahem. “‘Stuff your eyes with wonder, he said.’” I turn towards the feminine voice and see she is intently staring at the book as she recites the lines. “‘Live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories.’”

	She looks up at me with her brown eyes and smiles. I notice that she leans on a cane with her left hand as she snaps the book shut with her right. The gold lettered title, Fahrenheit 451, shining brightly in the sunlight.  “You know,” she says, ambling forward. “I had planned on coming over here to make a joke, maybe make fun of you for studying during summer vacation, and falling asleep at that.” She extends the book towards me with a pointed gaze. “When I saw that you had been reading a novel though, I just assumed you were a bookworm or a nerd, and I decided to take a look for myself at what you were reading. After all, I figured it must be pretty boring to put you to sleep like that.”

	I feel a slight blush form on my face as she remarks offhandedly at my tiredness. Just how long had she been watching me? “Imagine my surprise though, that I would simply open up the book, and with but a glance find something I’m seriously thinking about making my new life motto.”

	I take the book from her outstretched hand, and she bends a bit forward, inclining her head in a formal bow. “My name is Saki Enomoto.”

	I return her bow, a bit more guarded however. “I am Hisao Nakai.” I still don’t really know who this girl is, and she came up and took my book in an attempt to… what?

	“Hisao? I’ve heard of you before,” she says. Her right hand goes to her chin as she looks up, trying to remember where she may have heard my name. Her fingers snap in remembrance and her face lights up, “Oh yea, Tezuka! Do you know a girl named Rin?” Her informality strikes me, however I nod my head.

	“Yes, I know her. How do you know her?”

	“We’re in the art club together. Obviously I can’t paint like her,” she says gesturing to her cane, “however I do think I am pretty damn good at it.” Her frankness is a bit off putting, but there’s something about her that hold my attention.

	“Why did she mention me?” I say, wondering as to what sort of reason Rin would bring me up in a conversation with a stranger.

	“Oh it was a little while ago, right before the festival. We were told to have our next painting be on a model, and she sits next to me. I heard her mutter something, and I asked what she said, and she said your name. Maybe she wanted to paint you?”

	“That’s strange, she never asked me anything like that…” I say, trailing off. Then again, it would be rather Rinnish of her for me to never hear of it unless I had brought it up to her, which I couldn’t do without knowing about it… right?

	Saki seems to know what my thought pattern is as she nods her head, “Yea, I’m guessing she never asked you? I dealt with that minefield enough after classes that I can see it on your face. She’s a good girl though, once you get used to her.” She smiles a bit at that. I feel my guard lower slightly, just slightly though.

	“I kind of feel like I’m walking a minefield right now myself.” I say, only half-jokingly. She really had caught me off guard with her sudden introduction and her frank attitude. She seems to think it funny though, as she laughs in a way that makes me think of Akira.

	“I can imagine, I did introduce myself in quite a brash manner. I thought it was good though. If nothing else, memorable.” she says with a wink. “But what can I say, I like living in the spur of the moment. Almost as much as I like living.” she says, again with an Akira like laugh. “How about this then, since you’re still here, and judging by all the books you’re checking out, I’ll assume you’ll be on campus for break?”

	“Uhhh, I guess so…” I say trailing off. I guess I’ve already accepted that this is where I’ll be. I hadn’t even considered that when I had picked the books out, but I guess a part of me already knew. This is home now, after all.

	“Well,” she replies in a chipper manner, “I’ll be here as well. If you are available, come and meet me in the art room for lunch tomorrow, around 4. And bring your book. I’ll want to take a closer look at it.” She smiles, and gestures to the book she had read from.

	“Actually, you can have it now.” I say, handing the novel to her. “I hadn’t checked it out yet, and you’re obviously more interested in it than I was, heh.” I rub the back of my head, and I feel the bump from hitting my head against the track earlier.
She takes the book with a pout “Aww, Hisao, don’t you know anything? You’re supposed to bait the cute girl with something she wants before snatching her up, not just throw it all over the side.” I can’t help but laugh at her pouting face, and she joins in after a moment, and I silently thank Emi for having the cutest pout I’ve ever seen… Well, besides…

	I snap my mind away from that train of thought as soon as it tries settling on it, I will not let myself keep falling into the same pitfalls. I smile at Saki, who seems to have noticed me standing quietly for a moment, but thankfully doesn’t ask. “Well I’ve never been a very good fisherman.” I reply in jest

	“Clearly,” she laughs. “So should I expect to see you for lunch tomorrow?”

	The quote that she had read strikes me at that moment. ‘Live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds.’

	“You know what, yea. I’ll be there.” I say decidedly.

	And loudly.

	A little too loudly.

	I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn to see Yukko, the schools clumsy, goofy, red-haired librarian, looking at me very sternly, like a grandmother would look at a toddler that broke his toys. “Shhhh.” She says, motioning to our surroundings. “You do know this is a library right?? You aren’t the only people here!” She says in a loud whisper.

	“Oh, sorry…” I mutter out dejectedly. I’ve never even thought Yukko capable of scorn, and the way she was looking like she is about to throw me bodily through the double doors. Her face glows as red as her hair with exasperation.

	Her expression fades and she begins looking like her normal self “Ok, good. I have a lot of work to do with all the students returning books before they leave. Are you gonna be checking those out?”

	I look back to the stack under my arm “Oh, uh, yea. If that’s not a problem.”

	“Ok, I can do that for you, follow me.” She turns and starts walking towards the front desk and I begin following her when I hear Saki whisper from behind me.

	“Oooohhhh Hisao got in troooouuuubblllleeee.” She says with a huge smirk and I look back at her and roll my eyes before sticking out my tongue at her. She laughs as she sits down and opens the book I gave her. As I turn around and follow Yukko, I can’t help but think, I honestly just stuck my tongue out at a girl I had just met… Emi is rubbing off on me.
Yukko leads me to the main desk at the front of the library, and as I place the books in front of her she begins silently scanning the books. “So, how is your day going?” I ask, trying to make some conversation.

	“Fine.” She replies briskly, cutting off any reliable path for conversation.

	“That’s uhh… that’s good.” I reply, trying to think of something to add. She seems more nervous now, but it’s not the kind of nervousness that I’m accustomed to from the clumsy librarian. Her left hand twirls in her shoulder-length hair as she stamps each book with a time stamp. I can’t see her eyes as their downcast, but she seems to not even want to look up. I hear her mutter something else, but I don’t quite catch what she said. “Huh?” I ask

	“I said you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself.” And with that she looks up, and a glare that is entirely un-Yukkoish is on her face. I reel backwards a step at the openly accusatory look she is giving me. “She just leaves yesterday, and you’ve already started flirting with other people. You know, I had thought better of you Hisao.” She looks back down towards the books and finish stamping them, but I hardly notice.

	I stand there, staring at her. Did Yukko just imply that I’ve already moved on from Lilly? I don’t know what to even say to that…

	I feel emotions start draping around me.

	I latch onto the strongest one.

	“Who the hell are you to even say that to me?” I almost growl out, the hostility in my voice clear. “You see me talking to a girl and you instantly assume the worse about me? You have no idea what happened between Lilly and I, and you have no right to speak to me as if I have done anything wrong.”

	“I know you didn’t even try to get her to stay, and that’s wrong enough, Hisao.” She says with her disdain for me evident. “Instead of focusing on what you could have done, you just heard that she might be leaving and gave up on her.” She slams my books down on the top of the desk. “Try focusing on what you can do instead of what you can’t for once.”

	Before I can even reply she turns and gets up from her chair, turning her back on me. Her usual timid nature is gone as she strides away, and all I can think of her is how ignorant she must be to not even glance at my side of the story. Lilly was leaving, one way or the other. She had already decided she wanted to go, and I wasn’t going to be some groveling dog begging her to stay.

	I grab my books and storm out of the library, being sure to slam the door shut behind me.

	“Woahoh!” Says a loud voice from behind me, and I feel myself whipping around to see Misha standing about 5 paces from me. Her pink hair is tied up in her normal hair drills, but she doesn’t have the usual bubbly expression. She looks startled, as if she was a deer… that just had a door slam five feet from its face…

	“H-Hicchan?” She asks timidly. “Are you… ok?”

	Only now do I realize that the door might not be the only thing scaring her right now.

	I try to wipe the murderous glare off of my face and close my eyes and begin breathing deeply.

	Breathe in through your nose… 1… 2… 3…

	And out though your mouth

	Breathe in… hold it…

	Breathe out

	As I go to breath in a third time, I feel arms around me and a head press against my chest. I feel her hair under my chin, and I don’t know why but I just feel like I need to break down.

	My breath becomes ragged and Misha guides us against the wall. Her hair feels soft and well groomed, like Lilly’s always did. It smells wildly different though, and it just makes me shudder even more as I do nothing but wish that I could smell Lilly’s one more time.

	“It’s ok,” I hear her whisper. “It’s alright Hicchan, I’m right here for you.” Her hand starts rubbing up and down my back and I open my eyes only to find that my sight has gone watery.

	I feel a sob catch in my throat as I try and muster myself, and it just pulls me back down. My arms lock behind Misha and pull her tighter as I let my face fall into her hair and let the sobs rack through my body. Yukko’s words strike me like water chipping away at rock, mostly confirming what I had already thought. I’m weak for not standing up and asking her straight out. I’m broken because I would probably not have even survived if she had stayed. I’m a liar for not telling her the truth...

	I’ve been building this up for a lot longer than I had thought, guilt racking my body and shaking me as I think back to the dinner. She had to know I had lied about never hearing from Iwanako since I came to Yamaku. I should have told her about the letter, I knew from the moment I had said it that it was wrong.

	And now I am standing outside of a library crying into the shoulder of a girl who barely knows anything about me because I keep refusing to be strong.

	“I regret so much of what I’ve done, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it,” I choke out to Misha.

	“Hey, what does that mean?” Misha says to me.

	“Lilly…” I trail off, leaving the rest unsaid.

	“Hisao, Lilly loved you.” She takes my arms in hers, and forces me backwards against the wall so that she can look at me. Her golden eyes lock with my own. “I knew Lilly for a long time before this, and I’ve never seen her care about anyone the way she did you.”

	I feel my head droop slightly, but she takes my chin in her hand and points it upwards so I remain locked with her. “Hey, don’t look away from me. Hisao I know about regrets, trust me, do you think pink hair dye washes out easily??” She flashes a smile as she tousles her hair, making it look even messier than what I had done to it. It makes me smile, but only a little.

	“And you can’t fault yourself for everything. Did you know that Lilly was in student council before?” I nod my head, remembering the picture Akira had shown me of her sister along with Misha and Shizune, before they were at each other’s throats all the time. “Well she left that. She cared about it, even enjoyed spending time with me and Shicchan, but she left us.” She says, a bit dejectedly. I had never known why Lilly had left, but I had assumed it was because she didn’t like it… hearing Misha tell it sounded like Lilly just got up and walked out.

	“Her and Shicchan didn’t always get along, and I’ll admit Shicchan is hard to get along with for a lot of people, but I was taught that family is family, and to never back out on them. Well, Lilly did. And now she’s left you, someone who was a helluva lot more family than her stupid parents.” She says with a hardened look in her eyes. It gives me pause, thinking that maybe there was more behind Lilly leaving than just her parents… Could I have done something to make her feel like she had to leave? Or maybe Akira leaving her scared her? Too many questions start firing off in my head, and I feel myself slump against the wall. I feel like I’m cried out, and it hits me how tired I am.

	“Hey, should I go get the nurse?” Misha asks, a worried look on her face.

	“No… no, I’m fine. You’re right Misha… I’m blaming myself way too much over this.” I reply. I look at her and a question forms before I can even stop it. “Why are you here anyways? Schools over.”

	“I forgot to pack the last few days…” Misha says, a little bit of her bubbly returning as she presses her index fingers together and emits a slight chuckle. How somebody could forget to pack on their lasts days of school is beyond me, but then again, it is Misha.

	“Heh, I’m amazed Shizune didn’t force her way into your room and pack for you.” I say, attempting at a bit of levity.

	“I might have let her WAHAHAHA~” She shouts, placing her hands on her hips as she laughs. I watch the way she throws her entire body into her signature laugh, how her back arches as she throws her head back, how wide her mouth opens to emit a sound that could be heard on the other side of the school, how her entire form shakes with every breath… specifically how 2 parts bounces up and down. Not for the first time that day, my mind begins to wander and I’m forced tear my focus away from it.

	Why do I keep thinking about that?? I used to never have these urges, and now I can’t stop thinking about how every girl I know is practically a model!

	“Hicchan?”

	I look up and see those golden eyes looking me over with concern. I must look quite the sight. I feel my face flush as a mutter, “Uh, I’m ok Misha just… I just need some rest.”

	“Oh, well would you like me to escort you to your room? Maybe I could comfort you?”

	Oh my god, why?

	“Nono… No, Misha” I stammer quickly. “Umm, thank you though. I’ll be able to manage that.”

	She bites her lip as she looks at me indecisively, and then she does something I was not prepared for.

	She throws her arms around me and practically slams me up against the wall. She knocks the air out of me in a way that makes me think of a matador and a bull. She squeezes herself tight against me and my arms wrap around her almost more as a reaction than a thought. She says something indiscernible into my chest and I can’t understand it, but I find myself patting the back of her head as she mutters it right into my chest.

	She pulls her head off to look at me, but her body is still squeezed against mine. “No matter what, ok?” she asks.

	“Alright,” I say automatically, even though for all I know she just told me never to eat green beans. She smiles, closing her golden eyes and baring her teeth in a wide smile. “Good!”

	And with that she breaks off of her hug that would make a trash compactor jealous, and she begins skipping down the hallway. A smile slowly spreads on my face as I watch her go. I feel a bit envious of Misha, to be honest. She always seems to be so happy.

	With that thought, and feeling significantly better than I had five minutes ago, I head the opposite direction towards the stair case, which I promptly take down and out into the main room of the building.

	Feeling more than a little tired, I decide to head back to my room.

	As I walk out of the main building, towards the male dorms, checking my watch tells me the time is a little before 12:00. I feel my stomach rumble at the prospect of lunch, and I did skip breakfast today… I decide that I’ll make myself something to eat back in my room before finally calling it in for today, where I’ll hopefully finally get some sleep.

	As the male dorms come into sight, I smile as I think that today’s been an alright day, at least compared to the last week.

	Imagining my head hitting the pillow is interrupted though by the steadily increasing sound of a familiar clacking coming up behind me.