Tired 11/27/2018

Let me try to organize what I want to say in this as I type this.

In June/July I was working 4 jobs. And I reached a hard burnout that took about 2 months to recover. After that burnout, I stopped showing up to 2 jobs and gave away all my shifts at a 3rd, effectively going down to one at around 15 hours a week. I was financially in the red and recuperated the financial loss when I was given an awesome opportunity at the end of September for a job and company I love; as well as return to my other long-term job part-time. Shortly after the new awesome job and returning to my old job, I quickly paid off outstanding debts that also existed. My apartment lease was over in November and I was also faced with another issue. Rent is crazy high in Vegas now. Our apartment's street value is like $1400-1500 a month. It's a decent apartment. Corner unit and very big. Something that is hard to find here. I was looking for apartments and everything is 200-400 sq ft smaller for the price I'm paying. I'm stupid and have a lot of: video games, CDs, vinyl records, DVDs/blu ray, toys, and books. These usually take up a decent amount of space to my own detriment I suppose. I also want to point out that I am married. I had issues in the past with my relationship, but things have ironed out at the beginning-midpoint of 2018. I have made an effort to not talk about my relationship, because in the past it was always a negative factor in my life. Even though it is no longer a negative part of my life, I have consciously made an effort to not talk about it. I personally don't need other peoples' beliefs, including my parents, to shape my relationship. I need to do that on my own, with my wife. And we have been better for that. End of that point. Back to living situation.

I am tired of lighting my money on fire when paying rent. I pay rent, and I don't see that money ever again. So, we went looking for condos/townhouses/houses. We *mostly* settled on one a couple months ago and locked the property in. It's in the process of being built, but we're running into some issues with that. The builder has a deal that I felt was too good to pass up. We're getting $15,000 off the home's price and an additional $15,000 credit; which we're trying to apply to other fees, such as closing costs, PMI, etc. The problem we ran into was; we were verbally quoted a number for a monthly payment; which was affordable. Now the monthly payment two weeks later is different on paper than what we were quoted and while we can pay it; it could put a strain on us, unless we can figure out some other sorcery to keep it lower. The lender also told me that I need to come up with an additional $6000 for a downpayment on what I was about to finish saving. Time is that great on getting that either. I told my parents this information and they are willing to help, but that's not something I wished to do; and it would likely put a little strain on them for a bit. My parents are amazing, but they are retired and when I moved across the country away from them; I told myself I wouldn't ask them for financial help.

So, here I am, working two jobs again. And guess what. I'm about at the point of burnout. My awesome new job requires a little more time than the standard job. I have 8 hour shifts, but I have to get there early for a couple reasons. Due to union rules, I am provided a uniform, so I have to get there early to get it and change. I also have like a 2 minute window to clock in. So being late is not a good thing at all. So my 8 hour shifts with commute and changing turn into 9-9.5 hour parts of my day. I can walk to my other job if I work both in the same day, but those days turn into 14-16 work days. And if I hang out with coworkers or goof off, the day can turn into a 18-20 hour day. Plus I have to walk back to job number 1 for my car. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to work two jobs at all. And with the 2nd job, I am like, super comfy financially, sans saving for this house.

So, I'm tired. I'm just tired. My hobby right now is literally sleeping. I have a day off today, but I slept in the evening yesterday, and then again from the early AM to around noon today. I have to rely on high doses of caffeine to get me through long work days. My body and mind are very sensitive to sleep deprivation, so I have to take time to sleep when I have the time.

So what's going to happen?

Eventually, I hope to go down to the one job. I don't know yet. I also need a new car and we plan on buying new furniture for the house. I am looking at getting a used fully electric car for around $9000 and I'm thinking the furniture will set us back $5000-6000. We desperately need a new mattress, and we are looking at a new bedroom set, couch, dining room table, and I want a new computer/stream desk (which I will probably look for like a used executive desk). The plan is to buy all those in cash, but I don't know. I also have a meeting with my union to see if they will supply down-payment assistance on my house. It's a huge amount they would contribute if I qualify. There is one factor that may not allow me to qualify and if I don't, I might just have to rent for another year or so to qualify.

I need to help my wife get a new job. She is working 6-7 days a week and she is utterly exhausted all the time. She is gaining weight (which I don't care about, but she does) and it's hard to motivate hurt to go to the gym with me. I believe having her make a career transition or demote herself to a lower, similar paid union position will allow her proper rest and re-invigorated energy; as well as more support from her on the shared relationship end.

I unfortunately don't intend to return to streaming until 1 of 2 things happens. 1) I am able to work two jobs, but only work 1 shift a day. That means I will likely work 6-7 days a week, but hopefully get proper rest myself. 2) Go down to one job. I don't know if I can do that yet, since money at my awesome new job is mostly made at nights and I won't know if I can lock in nights until end of December/early January and I don't think I will because other people have seniority over me for nights. I may be able to lock in a few nights or mids, but I can't tell for sure until the time comes.

Unless I decide otherwise, I don't see me streaming until March. The house closes in late February. And I should have a month or two of not having to pay a monthly payment. When the stream does return, I intend on having a schedule, 5-7 days a week. It will be speedruns 4-5 days, a day of randomizer(s), and likely an off day. I also want to include a best of Giygas on each day. Portions of time where I replay games I really like. There are games I really need to replay that I haven't played in years. I will also be re-opening my donation link. If I go down to one job, I ideally would need about $300 a month in supplementary income to be comfortable. So, I will go hard on streaming with a schedule and making a goal of 120 subs. After the car and furniture, I don't have any big things I need financially. The supplementary income will help with stream equipment, if necessary, and just being able to support my life in the house. If there were any reason that I am able to get subs, or some level higher amount of subs, I would just pump that money back into my life in terms of support. This would be a huge burden off my shoulders, and everyone has to start somewhere. My biggest issue was always having a schedule for streaming and keeping to it.

Anyways. I haven't really done much other than work lately. I've barely had time to get to the gym and that's the only thing staving off the lingering negative thoughts creeping in my mind. I never really talked about the negative that I intended to mention. Like almost crying when at the gym; or the burnout increasing depressive spirals in my mind.

I've always been a huge proponent of doing what you want to do in life. If not, then why live? And here I am, sacrificing my time to try to settle down on a place so I don't have to move every year or two. Slowly slipping into the abyss. This is the American Dream right here everyone. Where one has to work two jobs to afford a house that doesn't have a crazy high monthly payment.

Thank you if you have read this all the way to this point. I'll be back, I promise.