If I Had Done Better

* stanzicApparati has connected to the memo!
<epinephrineElectrified> Hello, Zei!
<openSystem> Heya staAap
<epinephrineElectrified> Aap? Like an aaple?
<stanzicApparati> [The mask you've been trying to keep over your stress cracks, just a little.]
<stanzicApparati> HEy, RI.
<openSystem> Yes, exactly like that

<epinephrineElectrified> [She's quirking. What's wrong?]

* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Hey. Anything up?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (GOt sTarted oN fIxing MIndblogger's dAmage.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : ( /me is sending folder "Aelf" to epinephrineElectrified! )
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Did something... unanticipated... happen?)
* epinephrineElectrified has accepted folder "Aelf"!
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (...nO, tHe fEeling oF uTter sElf-lOathing wAs pRetty mUch eXpected.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (THat hEr eMotional pRocessing cEnter iS bEing rEplaced bY hEr KNight SYndrome wAs a sUrprise, tHough.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (AS wAs hOw wE're gOing aBout fIxing iT. WHich jUst aDds tO tHe sElf-lOathing.)

<epinephrineElectrified> [> Epi: Shuffle through the fi - oh who are you kidding you can't actually read any of this. Or, more properly, you can only read this while under a status effect that expired a long time ago called "being a Heart player".]
<epinephrineElectrified> [On the other hand... you have an ability that can re-apply that status affect, if only at a cost almost too great for you to use properly now.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [> Epi: Squint, re-apply [Soulsight] by way of an extremely expensive ability that's going to have you chugging pluckshakes like water, and take only the minimum time absolutely necessary to get an overview of the situation. The pluck cost staggers you anyway - you really aren't /supposed/ to use this ability for something from a previous session, but since when did the Game's coding make any sense?]
<epinephrineElectrified> [Mindblogger's soul is - yes, that /is/ quite the piece of work.]

* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (...and how'd you do it?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (WE're sCraping iT oUt, oNe pIece aT a tIme, aNd mOving iT.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (CAn't bUrn iT, tHe rIsk oF iT aErosolizing iT iS tOo dAngerous.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Good call. Where're you moving it to?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (...WV's sHiny.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (THus tHe iNcreased sElf-lOathing.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (...oh.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (SHe eXplained tO hIm, iN tHe bEst wAy sHe cOuld sO hE'd uNderstand wHat hE wAs bEing aSked tO dO.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (ANd tHen aSked iF hE wAnted tO dO tHis.)
<epinephrineElectrified> [You'd ask what else could've been done, but then you realize that if there was something better she'd've done /that/ instead.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [Short-circuiting right along...]
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (And he said yes.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (ANd I kEep tHinking, tHere hAs tO bE aNother wAy, sOmething I /mIssed/ tHat wOuld bE lEss hOrrible, aNd)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (ANd hE sAid yEs. oF cOurse.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (If there was another way, you would've found it already.)
<epinephrineElectrified> [You're unaware of how this echoes Aelf's words, but the narrator is.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (wE dIdn't gEt iT aLl iN oNe sItting.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Oh.)
<epinephrineElectrified> [Your stomach drops.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [If one session means she's - like /this/ - what would /more/ do to her?]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (iT sTarted wRithing. ATtempting tO eScape, I tHink.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I... you know you could just back out, right?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (nO I /cAn/t/, I pRomised hEr I'D hElp aNd wHat's tHe pOint oF hAving gOne tHIs fAr iF I dOn't /fInish/ iT?)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (You're my /sister/, Zei, and I'm not going to see yourself tear yourself apart this way with self-hatred so soon in your Replaying career.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I /know/ what it feels like to have acquired the patina of veteran self-hatred far before ever hitting the double digits.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I would spare you it, if at all possible.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (You /cannot/ tear yourself apart for this.)

<stanzicApparati> [Close your eyes, as you see Riley's words. Curl in on yourself and wish your hair were still long enough to hide in.]

* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Trust me, I'd like to see Mindblogger well, too, but at some point you have to decide: do you need /her/ more, or do you need your sanity more?)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I can't lose /you/ to this.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Please don't make me.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (It would be)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Unpleasant.)

* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (Zeimah Dalyce. Please answer me.)

<stanzicApparati> [You haven't even looked at it yet. Too busy freezing over what Riley is saying.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (bUt iF sHe dOesn't gEt wEll, i)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (There are precious few people who keep me sane, Zei.)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I -)
<stanzicApparati> [Try to remember to breathe. Try not to sob hideously.]
<stanzicApparati> [Manage the first part, at least.]
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I /can't/.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (i dOn't kNow wHat tO dO aNy mOre)
* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (You could save yourself.)

<epinephrineElectrified> [> Epi: Struggle to keep your sentences from becoming orders. Choices are ARCful, orders are not.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [You desperately, desperately want to tell her to just - turn around. Save herself.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [You don't want to lose the woman you voyaged seven years with, not even to the woman you had a hand in killing slowly from the inside.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [It is taking an effort of will to keep the statement "don't want to", instead of "can't".]
<epinephrineElectrified> [You are the Page of Mind and you should be fighting for choice, not against it. That would be a Destroyer's doing, and you have never, /never/ been a Destroyer of Mind. Not that Sburb would let you use that as an excuse.]

* stanzicApparati PMs "Ri" : (iT dOesn't eXactly fEel lIke i dEserve sAving, aFter wHat i'Ve dOne sO fAr)

<epinephrineElectrified> [...]

* epinephrineElectrified PMs "Zei" (I'm sorry I should go.)
* epinephrineElectrified has disconnected from the server!

<epinephrineElectrified> [> Epi: Manage to force out [Homefree] on the keyboard hanging by your side. Collapse. Cry.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [She hates herself. You probe your mind, questioningly, wondering why this is curled inextricably up with a profound sense of failure.]
<epinephrineElectrified> [...]
<epinephrineElectrified> [You decide just hollowly crying will be easier, for now.]

<tenebrousPsycher> oh, Timewolf. I found a gif you'll really like.
* tenebrousPsycher links file "cryptical.gif" from PTowers (( http://imgur.com/gallery/TybzoEd ))

<stanzicApparati> [You hug your knees to your chest and wrap a lock of hair around one wrist and try not to feel gutted, as he leaves.]
<stanzicApparati> [Look at the image, finally.]
<stanzicApparati> [...it is beautiful and amazing.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (i'M sOrry, iT rEally iS aMazing)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (i aM nOt fEeling wEll rIght nOw)
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (take deep breaths. take your time. do what you must and it's okay. you do not need to apologize.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (i fEel aS iF i aM a tErrible pErson, aNd lIke i dO nOt dEserve sAving. iT iS nOt oKay)
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (a terrible person would have denounced and tossed me aside. so right now, I'll just disagree on that.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (a gOod pErson wOuld nOt dO wHat i dId lAst nIght)
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (good people can do terrible things, trying for good things later. I don't know what it is you did, but you are hardly terrible. if you were, you wouldn't be saying that.)
<stanzicApparati> [...]
<stanzicApparati> [You know she means to help.]
<stanzicApparati> [You know her words /should/ help.]
<stanzicApparati> [Why does it only make you feel worse?]
<OJ> [Because someone from outside the Family would see Cassie, too, as a terrible person, not merely someone who does terrible things.]
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (they say water and fire purify. but fire burns and creates smoke. water drowns and transforms like the Earth's moon. there was a man who thought that there had to be a middle path to take. though his solutions are not yours nor mine, this has a ring of truth.)
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (the water and the fire aren't possible, for different reasons. so what lies between?)
<tenebrousPsycher> [Riddles from a terrible person who would rightly be seen as terrible. Possibly a monster. You know you don't deserve what you have, but throwing it away will simply make things-and you-a fair sight worse. Why are you trying so hard?]
<tenebrousPsycher> [You don't know.]
<tenebrousPsycher> [You see your life. You can figure out where it ends. Some people are cut down by the game.]
<tenebrousPsycher> [You figure that's not going to be you. It'll be a coplayer long before that happens, you believe. And they'd be right to.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (fOg, mIst, aNd iCe)
<stanzicApparati> [You are not at your best, right now.]
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (talk to Toni if you can. and sleep if you can, too. I can't say it'll look better after resting. but hopefully distance and some sleep will help with coping with whatever it was.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (iS)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (nOt wAs)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (mAybe iT wOuld fEel lEss hOrrible, iF iT wEre aLready dOne)
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (then whatever is compelling you... I hope it goes well. at least well enough to make it worth it.)
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (honestly, I'm the worst person to talk about that. but. I guess here I am.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (i hOpe iT iS wOrth iT)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (i dOn't kNow wHat tO dO, iF iT iSn't)
<tenebrousPsycher> [Sorry isn't going to help here.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (tHank yOu fOr yOur aDvice)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Cassie" : (i'Ll dO mY bEst tO tAke iT)
* tenebrousPsycher PMs "Timewolf" (don't just take my word for it. talk to others. I am terrible with advice.)

* tenaciousTheseus began responding to the memo
<stanzicApparati> hEy
<tenaciousTheseus> Hiya
<tenaciousTheseus> What's up?
<stanzicApparati> i
<stanzicApparati> cAn i PM yOu?
<tenaciousTheseus> Sure
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (i aM a tErrible pErson aNd iT fEels lIke i dO nOt dEserve fOrgiveness oR aNything fOr wHat i'Ve dOne)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Mm. I have the feeling that's probably wrong, but what have you done?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (hOw mUch dO yOu kNow aBout aElf's sHiny pRoblems?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Chronic Knight Syndrome due to a mistake on Ross's part when they were in session together, and her shiny doesn't regrow like normal)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (I was in a session with her when it got out)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (sHe fIxed tHe rEgrowth pRoblem)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (eXcept nOw iT's tRying tO rEgrow tHe KS tOo)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (aNd iT's rEplacing hEr eMotional pRocessing wIth KS)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Well. Shit.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (sO)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (i'M hElping fIx iT)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (eXcept)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (dOes iT sTill cOunt aS hElp iF cOnsent iS dUbious?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Mm...well. That's hard to say)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Is working towards someone's wellbeing helping if they don't want you to?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (/me shrugs)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (I err on the side of health, but it's an ethical quandry)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (iT iS)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (tHus wHy i aM a tErrible pErson)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You're a terrible person for helping Aelf with something like this?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (I want to make sure I'm getting this right before I point out how that's not the case at all)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (fOr gOing 'tHe rIght aNswer iS tHe oNe tHat hElps hEr lIve aNd bE hAppy eVen iF i hAve tO dO mOrally dUbious tHings tO aChieve tHat')
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Well. I admit I'm probably biased on this)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (But I don't think that makes you a bad person)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (What was said morally dubious things?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (iT mAkes mE a pErson wHo cAn sIt aT a cOplayer's bEdside, pUll oUt tHeir sHiny, aNd gEt tHem tO hElp mE sCrape oUt tHeir dAmaged bIts sO tHat wE cAn sTick tHem iNto a cArapace bEcause tHe dAmage iS sO tOxic wE cAn't dIspose oF iT aNy oTher wAy)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (aNd wE dIdn't /fInish/ gEtting tHe KS oUt)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Ah. Hm.)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (That's still not you being a terrible person beyond the reach of forgiveness)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Or indeed much of a terrible person at all)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You said it yourself. There was no other way.)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Was the carapace willing?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (wIlling aNd eQuipped wIth iNformed cOnsent)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (So they knew what they were getting into)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (And they did it anyways)
<tenaciousTheseus> [That's probably more of the carapace being a good person than Zeimah being a bad one, but that's probably not what she wants to hear right now]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (yEs)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (bUt iF i hAd dOne /bEtter/, hE wOuldn't nEed tO sIt tHrough aNother sEssion oF tHis)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (iF i hAd dOne bEtter, i wOuldn't hAve tO dO iT oN mY oWn nExt)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (If Ross didn't fuck up, Aelf wouldn't have KS in the first place)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (If Dawn was better, Aelf would be cured)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (If I were better at talking, there'd be people who'd still be alive today)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Don't go down that road, Zeimah)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (It's not helpful, it's not necessary, it's not going to do anything but make you miserable)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You did your best)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You're not Heart. You can't be expected to be perfect)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (And you helped. You got a good chunk of it out, too.)
<stanzicApparati> [What he says is logical. It is accurate. It is, to the best of your knowledge, /true/.]
<stanzicApparati> [You still feel as if you failed.]
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You're going to get the rest of it out. What you did succeeded, even if it wasn't to the extent either of you were hoping for)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (i sTill fEel lIke i fAiled tHem bOth)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (aElf)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (aNd rI)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (What would the other option be?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Let Aelf stew in Knight Syndrome for as long as it takes for it to drive her over the edge?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Well, over the edge again)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Would that be preferable?)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (nO)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (bUt sEven yEars hE sPent tEaching mE eThics)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (oTher tHings tOo)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (It's one thing to consider ethics while you're in a ship in the middle of black nowhere. It's another to consider it when someone's life and mental well-being is on the line)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (aNd aS sOon aS i gO iNto bAttle fOr tHe fIrst tIme sInce lEaving hIm, mY sWord bReaks aNd mY aRmor fAlls aPart)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (nOt bEcause tHey wEre iLl-mAde, bUt bEcause oF mE)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Better to fall apart after the battle as opposed to in the middle, I suppose)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You helped Aelf. You may have even saved her life)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Or you will)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You didn't fail anyone)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You didn't do anything that would have caused anyone to shame you)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Anyone who matters, at least)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (iF i dId sO wEll, tHen wHy dO i hAte mYself fOr iT?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Didn't get any on yourself, did you?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Or it could be Aggrievence brought on by stress)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (I don't know for certain why you feel what you feel, but I know you didn't do anything to deserve this self-flagellation)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (i wOre gLoves)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Alright then, 's not that)
<tenebrousPsycher> [Idle away as you take care of your plans.]
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Regardless of why, you haven't done anything wrong)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (I can see why you would think that, but, ultimately?)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (You did the right thing.)
<stanzicApparati> [Swallow. Remember to breathe.]
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (i hOpe yOu're rIght)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (i'M gOing tO tRy aNd eAt sOmething, aNd tHen tRy tO sLeep)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Alright)
* tenaciousTheseus PMs "Zeimah" (Take care, Zeimah. I hope you feel better soon.)
* stanzicApparati PMs "Adam" : (tHank yOu)
<stanzicApparati> [Hopefully, you'll be able to keep down what you eat, this time.]
<stanzicApparati> [You're still just going to make a milkshake. Easier, if you can't keep it down.]
<stanzicApparati> [You curl up in your pile of yarn and blankets, afterwards, and try to sleep. At least on Prospit, things seem brighter.]
* stanzicApparati has fallen asleep!
* stanzicApparati has been disconnected from the memo!