/vp/ asks /cm/

The problem wasn't necessarily with /vp/'s intelligence. Hardly a wink saw him breezing through the intricacies of the catch rate formula, and calculating the difference in randomized damage variance came as naturally to him as breathing. He memorized type charts at a glance and had written and rewritten, revised and rereleased, countless hundreds of encyclopedic articles, and had perfected the art of domesticating gods. He had beaten down every rival, every criminal organization, every master, every person who happened to make direct eye contact with him, all with a shrug of his shoulders. Caught up in the allure of a challenge, he was known for creating complex systems of handicaps or entire alternate universes.

So it was astounding the amount of effort that went into getting him to understand the simplest of things. Augustine Sycamore, the newest arbitrary addition to the pool of regional esteemed professors, would have never agreed to try and coerce /vp/ to the 2014 4chan Winter Ball had he known how challenging it would prove.

And as if to exemplify this, /vp/ sighed his hundredth sigh and said, "Yeah... I don't get it."

"Might I suggest you put Smash on pause for a moment and actually listen to what I'm saying?" Augustine asked, stifling a sigh.

/vp/ just scoffed. "Being this new."

"Excuse me?"

"You can't pause online multiplayer, fag."

Patience, Augustine, patience.

"After you finish this round, then."

"Oh, come ooon," /vp/ drawled. "The game just came out!"

"Please, it's been a half hour already. You can go back to playing when I'm done." He stared at the youth, doing his best to ease the exasperation from his tightening brow, but when /vp/ didn't so much as glance from the game he couldn't help the terseness that crept into his voice. "I really need you to listen to me."

"I am listening."

"If you were listening, we wouldn't still be having this conversation."

"I am." /vp/ frowned. "I just that it's not Pokemon. I don't see why I should care."

"And I've told you already--" Augustine cut himself off as the words struck him and planted inspiration in the loamy soil of his mind.  "It's going to be fun, uh... Think of it as an adventure."

For the first time, /vp/'s eyes left the screen, glistening emeralds at full attention. Augustine's heart had just enough time to soar with hope before /vp/'s shining curiosity dimmed with wariness and he said, "I'm not interested in other JRPGs."

"No, no, not like that--think of it as a, um. As a new region to explore."

"I've already gone before with /soc/ and it wasn't that great... Besides, isn't /v/ hosting it? I've been there a million times already.

Augustine could sense the intrigue waning in his voice and spoke rapidly. "A remake. Think of it as a remake, then. You always whine that third generation games were the worst, but now that Ruby and Sapphire remakes are coming out you won't stop talking about them. It's sort of like that."

As if by some sort of miracle, /vp/ set down his Wii remote. He took a moment before answering. "So there'll be Gyms and evil teams to conquer and stuff?"

"Well... Something like that." No, not anything like that, but something was better than nothing and Augustine could at the very least build off of a misconception. "There will no doubt be adversaries to face." There was a chance that /b/ was still upset about the fiasco with /soc/.

"And what about the starters?"

"The other boards!" His smile relaxed as he found direction and a monologue formed at his lips as Pokemon professors were apt to. "For this special journey, it's important that you have an equally special partner to take along with you. A partner with whom you can grow and depend on as you overcome hardships and learn about the mysteries this world has to offer. It's an important decision, and only one that you can make. Now, let's get started with some quick questio--" Augustine cut himself off with a clear of his throat. "I mean, in the time it's taken trying to explain all of this to you, several tans have been taken, your sister included--"

This time /vp/ cut him off. "Wait! Wait, you mean I'm the rival?!"

"Uh..." It took a second to click. "Yes, I suppose second choice would make you the rival this time."

"But rivals never win."

"Until now. Have you ever played as the rival before?"

"I don't... think so. I've always had first choice."

"You're always looking for a challenge. Isn't this perfect?"

/vp/ considered this, questions flying past his eyes but never quite reaching his parted lips until he asked, "So who's left to chose from?"

Augustine could have cried sweet relief. The feeling of progress was so sweet that he could have sprouted wings and done flips right then and there, but it would have distracted from the trajectory of the conversation, so instead he just inhaled deeply through his nose and let the warm sensation fill his chest.

"There are still quite a few left. There's /g/, /adv/, /i/, /s4s/..."

"Hm... How about /d/?"

The breath left him all at once. "I-I don't think you have enough badges for her," he said quickly. "It would be better to start with younger, or, uh, a lower-leveled board."

"I guess you're right." /vp/ frowned as he took a moment longer to think. "Then, maybe like..."

Augustine waited for him to continue, but the ellipses expanded into a prolonged silence and eventually he had to ask, "Like?"

"L-like, uh. I don't know. /cm/, maybe? Not like--you know--it's just he kind of... He sort of looks like a gijinka is all, and like he might evolve into something stronger. He's cute like a first-stage starter, okay?!"

"I didn't say anything," the professor chuckled. "/cm/ sounds like a good choice."

"Yeah." /vp/ swallowed. "Yeah. E-except..."

"Except?"

"Except I think he might be mad at me."

"Why?"

"It wasn't my fault or anything."

Another sigh begged release, but Augustine swallowed the urge. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

/vp/ hesitated. He looked at his feet before shifting his gaze to the TV screen, thought glazing his eyes to the extent that they couldn't register the disappointed Greninja declaring his loss. "The first time I met I thought he was a Pokemon is all... So I tried to catch him."

"You did what?"

"It's not my fault! I thought he was just in the human-like egg group like Mr. Mime or something!"

"Okay, okay. So what happened after that?"

"He said he wasn't a Pokemon, so I thought since he was talking and escaped the ball so well he must have been a legendary. I sent Pikachu out to weaken him, but I guess he wasn't really a Pokemon after all."

"I see. You're just go--"

"And then after that, when he came over to try and make amends I thought he was trying to start a battle. But that wasn't my fault either! He looked me in the eyes!"

Augustine tried to come up with a response, but found himself utterly void of one.

"He said he didn't have any Pokemon, but there's no running from a battle between trainers, you know? It was a first for me, too, so I just let out Pikachu and, like, zapped him or whatever until he paid me to stop. It's not really a big deal. I mean, there's no reason why he should be so mad--"

"No, I think he has reason," Augustine put in. "You owe him an apology. And perhaps a reimbursement."

"But it's not my fault!"

"Is it his, then?"

"Kind of."

This time the sigh was unstoppable, and Augustine even indulged in running a hand over his face. Behind his eyes pounded something familiar and not unexpected. "It's not."

"But--"

"You want him to be your partner, don't you?"

"Yeah, but--"

"Then you at least have to apologize, simple as that. If his base happiness isn't at least at seventy, he's not going to want to go with you. Plus, if he evolves from happiness--"

"Okay, I get it, I'll apologize." /vp/ looked back to Augustine. "But how should I? I-I mean, it's different than just... Usually I'd just pick a Pokeball, but this is different, right?"

"I would suggest just talking to him."

/vp/ jolted. "N-no way! What if I get nervous and forget how to say anything except yes or no again?"

"Try sending a letter, then."

The tension eased from /vp/'s shoulders as he considered this. "That could work... But, wait, which mail should I use?"

"Just use your favorite."

"But I haven't used mail since last generation! I don't know which one's my favorite! And what if he thinks the print is weird?"

"I'm sure whatever you chose will be fine," Augustine said, doing his best to ignore the Meowth clock ticking away the seconds on the wall. He was done with this conversation.

"Do you think he'd like Harbor Mail? Wait, he's a cat... If I used Heart Mail do you think it'd raise his happiness? Or would that be weird?"

"Like I said, I'm sure anything would be fine."

"Would Inquiry Mail be the best? Or--"

"Inquiry Mail sounds perfect."

/vp/ took another moment before nodding. "Okay. Yeah, you're right."

"Great. If everything's settled, then..." Augustine smiled curtly and walked to the door as fast as was polite. He paused before exiting, though, glancing back at /vp/ to say, "Good luck. If you're having trouble thinking of what to say, just use the Easy Chat System."

/vp/'s second nod was more distant. "I guess I'm going to have to make a trip back to Unova..."

And thus, two days later upon /vp/'s return, a letter was attached to a Wingull, reading:

HI, THERE. HERE GOES.
I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT BEFORE.
WILL YOU PLEASE GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?

/cm/'s response has yet to be seen.