A Query-2nd Edition

Anticipation flows through me like a surge of pure electric ecstasy. My stomach lurches, my mind races, and sweat collects on my brow; a thousand tiny droplets of a hopeful fear, and a physical reminder of the leap I would be taking. My tie feels tight around my neck and I fight a flush as I surge up the stairwell to my destination. My mind flies in a thousand different directions as I vainly attempt to wrestle all possibilities.

It is a pointless endeavor to be sure, but of all the uncertainty I have faced since coming to [DA CRIPPLE SCHOOL], this was one journey that I knew I must embark on. Perhaps it is false bravado on my part, for there lies a deep-seeded fear that subtly infiltrated every thought I have. Possibilities, variables, unknowns, rejection, disdain, or perhaps the absolute worst of all, her departure. That is what keeps me up at night. It is not the fear that seeks to destroy me, but the very real possibility of it occurring that haunts my being and threatens my sanity. She seeks solace in that which is most unassailable, the depths of her mind. It is there and only there where I cannot reach her no matter my effort and much to my frustration.

The rhythmic sounds of my footfalls reverberate off the empty halls of [DA CRIPPLE SCHOOL] as I hone in on my destination. The steady, even sound only seeks to remind me of my eternal enemy, my heart. What a disjointed and awkward non rhythm it holds. The fluttering, non committal pulses it sends stand to inform me of my future, which is just as fragile as the broken organ in my chest. One misstep, slip up, or failure on my part shall tear me from this world and all that I hold dear and cast me down into the uncertain certainty that is death.

What a double edged sword, my heart. In the end, it will be my demise, and that alone should be enough to turn away from it in disgust. And yet I cannot deny it is what drives me. It is my unusual finite-ness that grants me the courage to do what others can not, for a missed opportunity is an opportunity that may very well be my last. I let that morbid thought paint a smile on my face as I come to stop.

Ah the Art Room; May you be the stage for my most important play? My trembling hand find its way to the handle as I attempt to steady my breath. "I can do this." I mutter to myself. My hand twists the handle and gives a triumphant push, revealing the familiar art room and the ruddy orange light of the evening sun to me.

I take a small step forward, happy that my shaky legs are still under my command. It is inevitable, I think, that my nerves and apprehension affect me so. It is a good thing, I reason. It keeps me human.

The art room assaults me with a variety of familiar sensations. The smell of primer and turpentine gave me the instinct impression of creation and thought, all of which the Art that I've come to love symbolized. Although I can't help but believe it simply reminds me of her. It wasn't until my eyes beheld her, that an entirely new and welcomed sensation came to me.

Sitting cross legged and gazing out the window into the grounds beyond lied Rin. Her scarlet hair a scattered mess and her overalls stained with the gore of today's effort. Her gaze is that of disinterest or contemplation, a distinction I wasn't capable of differentiating yet. Noticing my presence, she shifts slightly and turns to me, her hair flicking about with her movements. A smile, small though it may be, graces the face I've come to love over these past few months. It alone causes me to return the motion, her happiness is by every means mine.

"Helloooo..." She states musically while dismounting off the counter and approaching me, smiling all the while. My mind struggles to fight off the fog that steadfastly encroaches upon my thoughts. Of course! I reach into my back pocket to ensure my cargo is still there, and I'm put to ease when I learn it is. "Did you forget how to talk? I did that once." She states matter of factly in a manner which may of been serious.

"Hi, Rin." It is hardly a sufficient greeting, but considering my nervousness it would have to suffice. I could feel the heat radiating off of me as I prepare myself for the inevitable. She meets me with what arms remain stretched wide in a warm and heartfelt embrace. My heart seems to protest, flickering at the exertion my excitement placed upon it. Her body was warm around me, and I let myself get lost in her 'embrace'. To see her happy is enough to get me through the roughest days, but to know that I make her happy... Well. It's a feeling so wonderful I wouldn't value the heavens themselves above it.

She pulls back ever so slightly to meet my gaze for a moment before diving in, and our lips meet. It was magical. Like fireworks and wonder and everything beautiful could be expressed my this one intimate connection. Everything that caused me apprehension was blown away at that moment, leaving nothing but resolve in its wake. We detach and look at one another again, and in that instant, time seems to stop.

Her verdant eyes express so much emotion. Happiness and pure joy seems to radiate from her. She was everything I was ever searching for when I was sent to [DA CRIPPLE SCHOOL], even if I didn't know it yet. The fading sun casts Rin's pale features in a warm glow as we hold on to another. The quiet moments of companionship we share speak volumes to who we are as couple. We don't need to speak to understand one another, and the concept of understanding seems silly now. I don't need to understand her, I just want to be there for her. It sets my mind at east, which was quite the contrast from its previous pace. I can't help but let a chuckle escape me. She is my most valued possession in this world, although to call Rin "mine" is a bad joke itself.

Rin cocks her head quizzically. "I didn't tell a joke."

The chuckle fades, but my smile only grows wider. "You're a masterpiece."

Her jade eyes narrow, but her smile doesn't leave. "That doesn't make sense. I'm not a painting. That was sill-"

I cut her off as I drop to one knee while fishing out my cargo from earlier. A small, black, velvet lined box. Inside the box lies a necklace and so much more. It was a request, a promise, a treaty, a mutual commitment to one another. It is my hopes and dreams and everything I desired in this world.

I inspect the velvet case for a moment, allowing a thumb to run over its exterior and letting a glancing thought dispute whether or not this was a plunge I was willing to descend into. Any debate ended hours ago. This is all I want, all I desire, all my heart cries for, and all that I will claw through to secure and call my own.

I look up at her, and it becomes clear that the realization hadn't dawned upon her. She peers curiously at the small box, and yet that same disinterest remaines present. There goes the dramatic reveal, I suppose.

I hold eye contact as best I could. "Rin... I love you..." Good so far, no stuttering, she hasn't left the room yet...

I try to force the words. "Would you... I..." The box in my hand begins shaking uncontrollably as everything goes south. She isn't reacting at all! Her face remains impassive, and her brow arched in confusion at my horrible confession. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

My heart flickers again. I can feel it calling me, beckoning me to the grave as sweat rolls down my face. Death would be preferable to her rejection. I can't take it! I love her! I love everything about her! This cannot fail!

Taking notice of my apparent difficulties, she bends down low at the waist to meet me at eye level, her face one of curiosity and amusement at my internal struggle. "I love you too. But why are you crouching? Are you hot? You look sweaty." She remains staring me down at this awkward height, patiently awaiting an answer to some seemingly simple questions.

Of course. What am I doing? Rin doesn't appreciate theatrics. She isn't making fun of my stupid ass, she's genuinely curious as to why I'm asking something at this height when the same thing could be said at eye level. I fight the urge to slap myself as the realization hits me.

With resigned sigh, I heave myself off the floor. Fuck it. I take a last glance at the box before unceremoniously popping open it's hull. Inside the box, and resting on a bed of white fabric, lies a silver necklace in the shape of an artists pallet. Simple enough, and all I could afford. I look Rin in her eyes until she pulls her gaze away from the treasure.

"Rin Tezuka, will you marry me?" I say as simply as possible. There it went, each word as heavy as a hammers blow, and with a weight I could hope to match. To think those simple words could convey what I truly am asking. Commitment, endearment, and a love eternal are quite the promises to make and asking anyone to reciprocate those things are tragically humorous when looked at in hindsight.

Such a leap I needed to take though. This was a necessary and rational move, and the logical end result of all the irrational feeling I've experienced so far. Damn, I'm rationalizing things again, aren't I? Emotions cannot be rationalized or measured, nor can they be quantified or expressed mathematically. They are a simple and extraordinary pillar of the human condition that drives us as people to do extraordinary things.

Her face falls and she looks from the necklace to me as she pieces together everything I've thrown at her. She looks away, grief becoming immediately apparent as she frowns in deep display of sadness. My heart sinks. No no no no no no no! Almost instinctively I reach out for her. I fear that she will escape again and go where I cannot find her. I shudder and feel cold as my heart flickers and pulses erratically.

She makes no move to avoid my touch and subsequent embrace. She won't look at me. She's struggling silently, internally, as tears begin to fall from her face. "Please tell me..." I beg. It's a desperate plea. I cannot have her escape me. To run away from me into that fortress of her mind that she goes to. Her last bastion of solitude where no one can reach her. I can hear my heartbeat pound in my ear.

It is to late. Her eyelids fall and almost as if nothing had happened at all, her impassiveness presents itself once more. Just like that, she has escaped again. She weaved through my fingers once more. "Rin...?" My voice is barely a whisper. She shakes her head from side to side. "Why...?" I query as tears fall from my face to match hers. "I d-don't know..." She sputters through her anguish at my proposal.

I can feel it deep in my chest. It's a bitter cold unlike no other. Like a blow from the harshest winter gale, my chest seems to rattle in response to it in such a way as to send a shudder through my body. What is this sensation? Is it my heart? No. It's the fear that chills my blood and rattles my bones. The possibilities becoming realities that I must potentially experience, none of which look promising in such current state of affairs. Can I handle rejection?

With some effort, she looks at me. Her eyes are moist and reddened and her voice shaky. "I don't have arms Hisao." She waves her stumps and whispers as if the fact were some tragic secret. She sobs again while trembling in my grasp. "People without arms don't get married." She buries her face in my chest and begins to cry. It's a certain type of quiet crying that conveys a level of misery I didn't expect from her. My embrace tightens as I mull over her words as carefully as I can.

She has never shown insecurity at her disability before, or at least not to me. She always seemed very confident in her abilities as an artist and everywhere else. Her... Uniqueness and difficulty expressing herself never seemed to bother her around other people. No, I don't believe it's the arms, nor is it her expressiveness. I feel myself getting frustrated, but stop myself as I remember my outburst at her a few months ago. I can do better than this. Am I over thinking it? Maybe it's the same fear I faced when planning the proposal. I've had weeks to think about it, and here I am just throwing it at her and expecting an answer.

Maybe... Maybe it's nothing like that at all...

I gently push her away from me and look into her reddened eyes. I speak with a frustrated tone while my hand cups her face. "Why?" I want to scream. I want to yell and shout and throw a fit but all I manage was a short jerky word.

She stares at me. Her eyes searching for... Something. It tears me apart from the inside out to stay silent like this. The coldness seeps deeper as the end draws near, an icy grip tightening around my broken heart. What does she mean 'no arms'!? Of course she doesn't have any arms! She's still beautiful and creative and wonderful and the love of my life and everything to me andwhyisshestaringatmestillifeellikejumpingoutawindowgoddamnit!

Thump thump. Thump...

And just like that, my heart quits. The excitement, the anticipation, and her convictions were too much. My eyes go wide as my breath escapes me. Time loses all meaning and I fall to the ground before my vision escapes me as well. I can feel the sweat, I can hear her crying turn to panic, I still can't breathe. This has happened before... But this is different. Before I felt the pain in my chest as I struggled for air, but this was less intense. More calm, more peaceful. I feel so cold, I can't see, I can't see her. I can feel her, I know she's there, but I feel so distant.

Is this what death is? The frigid blackness of it all circling around me, threatening to consume me at any moment. I float upon a sea of my own thoughts. Why now? What horrible dramatic God would see fit to smite me when I propose? I always knew death was always just outside my door but to die here and now is unthinkable. I lose too much when I lose her. If only I could hear her answer, any answer.

Maybe it doesn't need an answer. Maybe I don't need to know why. I never understood why she did what she did and yet I fell in love with her anyway. Could I be content with the ends and not the means?

I'm so cold. I'm tired. I'm lost to the world in this great expanse of darkness. If this is the end, then I suppose spending my last moments on earth with her is enough to call it a good day.

...

"Clear!"

No! Go away! Let me go back to sleep...

"Clear!!"

I don't want to get up. My girlfriend rejected me, my head hur-

My girlfriend... Rin... I can hear her somewhere through the darkness. She's crying uncontrollably between shouts. There's excited exchanges between a few men.

"CLEAR!!"

My eyes fly open and I bolt upright. "Wha? Where?" I mumble through my haze. I look about at the art room and the faces of a trio relieved paramedics and the Nurse who looks just as happy to see me alive. Night has fallen and the only light is the extremely uncomfortable florescents that want to blind me. I look around as quickly as my muddled brain will allow me. Where is she?

"Hisao!" Rin yells from somewhere behind me. I try to shift to look at her but my chest hurts so much-

 Oof! Rin falls to her knees in an effortless motion and slides between me and the relieved looking paramedic, who takes the cue and gives her the space. She leans against me and lays her head on my chest, looking up at me all the while. Her breath is ragged and she looks worse than before, dark circles hang under her reddish eyes while her face is still wet from the tears.

I put a hand on her head to draw her closer to me. "Hey."

She manages a smile and a very tired laugh. "Hi."

And then I close my eyes and embrace her once more. How much time goes by like this, I don't know. Minutes, seconds, I don't know. I was so close from being taken away from her and everything else so the moments I do spend with her I will cherish, for it is not the passage of time, but how we spend it.

"It's good to see you are still with us, Mr. Nakai." The nurse prods in an effort to lift the mood. My eyes do not open, and I do not release Rin. It would take a force beyond earth itself to take her away from me now. If death could not manage it, then nothing that lives will do it either. "Considering the circumstances, I can't help but wonder what you two were up to." He continues playfully.

"C'mon." A paramedic says as he pats Rin's back. "We need to take you to the hospital to make sure everything is still in one piece." Rin makes no effort to move until a gentle push guides her to reluctantly part with me. She steals a quick kiss while the gurney I'm laying on extends its legs so it may roll.

I lay my head back once again and shut my eyes and the medics begin to escort me out of the room.

"Hisao?" Rin says quietly to me.

I urge the men to stop once more and shift to her again despite my sore chest cavity.

She looks right at me with those verdant eyes. Still shaken up, but finally in some state of calm. The faintest of smiles upon her face. "Yes."

Yes? Yes. What does that mean? Is it acceptance with the situation? Is she okay with my heart defect? What is she getting on at? Perhaps it's some sort of gentle nod to-

For the second time that evening, she notices me struggling with the obvious. She approaches the gurney and leans in close once again. She says in nothing short of a whisper, "I will marry you, Hisao Nakai." And with that, she turns and leaves the room ahead of the gurney as if nothing had happened at all.

"So that's what it was!" The Nurse exclaims, apparently privy to that whisper. I have to admit, I kinda forgot he was there. "Congratulations Mr. Nakai," He continues. "You lived to see another day, and you're engaged! That's a happy ending to a poor day if I ever knew of one!" His smile and tone are infectious. It's almost as if I didn't just die.

I flop back down on the carriage and listen as the wheels begin to roll. I'm no longer cold. Quite the opposite, I feel an immense warmth from deep inside me. I think of her, everything about her. The woman I love, a woman like no other, the woman who said yes, the woman who nearly killed me, and the woman who I'm engaged to.

Rin.