> 	It sucks. I feel for Stoya and I'm majorly let down because part of the reason Deen got so much traction with female fans is the fact that he was supposed to be aware and respectful of boundaries and consent. But I guess you can do a lot of things right and still royally fuck one up later.

> 	Right, ignoring the safe word is the royal fuck up, and the major let down. You have a popular public figure who talks about and demonstrates the use of safewords and consent and communication, and then shits all over it when he rapes someone who trusted him. Obviously, Stoya is the victim, and I don't want to take away from that, but I also feel it's important to share the fact that, by extension, he broke the trust of his fans too.

Now, for every screen cap or gif I encounter on the wild internet, I'm going to be wondering if the girl he's with has actually given consent and is safe. Now I've got another reminder that sex and my sexuality may put me in a position where I will be hurt. Rather than, say, a role model and the safe and positive affirmation of sex and sexuality. That's super uncomfortable, and super fucking disappointing.

XYZ, you may take interest in this:

I am curious to know what his account of the incident is, not because I believe it will refute Stoya's, but because I feel like it's important to consider how he arrived at this fuck up.

Obviously this is all a very private issue, but understanding how rape happens can go toward preventing it in the future.

In this case, and I believe in most, it's not just some random dude in an alley that rapes you. It's someone you know. I'm going to take a leap and assume that the people we know don't want to hurt us, and don't want to be rapists, and want more information about how to prevent harm.

>	I'm not assuming he did it no questions asked, but without care for phrasing, expressing doubt can lead others to blaming the victim, which, as you note, is very harmful.

I get that maybe he didn't do exactly what Stoya said. Personal accounts aren't always reliable, but that's not the point for me.

The point is, Stoya at some point, felt unsafe and wanted to stop the interaction, and presumably, he did not allow for that.

That's rape enough for me, whether it came as a result of a misunderstanding or break down of communication, or he blatantly decided to ignore her safeword.


>	In other words, I seriously don't think she's lying or making a false accusation. The fallout of accusing him at all is so immense that I can't imagine her bothering with the fuss of making something up.

I believe Stoya.

>	Unfortunately since consent is established (typically) between two people in private, "fact" in the dictionary sense of the word, is a potential difficulty.

It's also not productive to get too far hung up on "fact" from our seats. We're not in any way involved with the legal aspects of the case, for one.

I think the way to get productive discussion and value out of this very unfortunate incident is to talk not about "fact" but instead, the nuances of consent and communication, and how to strengthen the integrity of them.

To talk about what went wrong, and how to keep it from happening again, with people who aren't in the lime light, in the private bedrooms of people you know, where people are raped, by people who didn't ever intend to be rapists, in circumstances that could have been prevented.