Mituna and latula play film noir mario kart.

I awoke covered in my own piss. I suspected Cronus was the suspect for this crime but then I remembered I have terrible bodily control and tend to be incontinent. Luckily Latula tends to help with that. And by help I mean she helps calm me not help clean me, that’s disgusting what the fuck is wrong with you thinking that you sick fucker stop fucking imaging me stop FUCKING W17H M3.

Anyway I awoke in a filthy daze, then I ripped my clothes off and took a shower, flailing like a retard and knocking all my shit to the ground and then slipped on a bar of soap. It’s a dangerous town here in Beforus and one false step. One wrong move, and you end up dead, or worse! With head trauma. But no matter what this sick bright town tried to throw at me, I could take it. I Could take anything.

It was then I remembered I was dead and thus I had no need to shower, and that I had also slipped for no reason. Plus I wasn’t on Beforus nor in any fake grey town. Like I said this town can throw you in for a loop, did I say that actually? I Can’t remember. Like I said this town messes with you, fucks with your head. And after all the things I’ve seen, all the things I’ve done, it’s amazing I was able to function as well as I did.

I then headed to my office, and got myself a cup of joe, my trembling hand causing me to spill it on my
crotch. I took it with admirable grace and composure, letting out only a manly gravely sounding grunt.  “FUCKCUN7 5H17 CUN7817CHG000D4MN1117 5H17FUCK455H0L3 5H17D1CK5!!” I regained my composure, placing one arm on my hip in a manly dismissive sort of way. I didn’t care, this city, this dark town, had already taken so much from me. What did one more thing matter at this point?

I heard a knock on the door, and in stepped some nice looking dame, she was easy on the eyes. Had legs to die for, and a smile to kill for. I knew why she came to me. I was a detective, a private eye, one might even say a problem sleuth, why else would anyone come to me? And I could tell from her words that she needed something fixed. “Yo m1tun4, w4nn4 pl4y th1s r4d g4m3 th4t hum4n kid str1d3r show3d m3? 1ts got som3 f4t short hum4n plump3r c4ll3d m4r1o th4t r4c3 or som3th1ng, sound l1ke fun.”

I listened to her sob story, some trouble with a gang apparently; run by a some crook called Mario. The was giving her trouble over gambling debts. And the only way to save her was to race apparently. I shrugged, I didn’t want to take the case but hell I had a soft spot for pretty dames and boy was this girl the prettiest. So I agreed, but hell I needed to be payed and I told her my terms. “L47UL4 1 5P1LL3D C0FF33 0N MY DICK 4ND N0W 17 HUR75. “ She stopped crying,  and got mushy then thanking me for offering to help. “4ww k1ddo, h3r3, w3ll pl4y th1s g4m3 4nd m4ybe youll f33l 4ll b3tt3r.”

I still didn’t know why I accepted, I didn’t know how to race but hell the girl needed a hand and I couldn’t disappoint a pretty face. She and I went to the track, and sure enough met this Mario guy, turns out he was the Mario. Mario the plumber. Apparently got the nickname after his love of tossing guys who double crossed him in the city river. Don’t know what that has to do with pipes but hell I never question these things. He was a short fat guy, had a terrible sense of fashion to match his terrible personality. He also had a large nose with a greasy mustache underneath. Around him were the rest of his gang, His brother Luigi, A thin spindly looking guy, acting all nervous. Kong, some fat gorilla looking motherlover with more muscles then brains, I didn’t want to have to take him in a dark ally. Peach, a don princess with more money then style, she was Mario’s main squeeze, though that didn’t stop her from fooling around with the occasional goombah. And then there was Toad. Just another little goon for Mario to punch around when he needed some dirty work done. He tried to look all intimidating. Puffing his chest out like he was some big guy, but I knew he was all talk and no punch.

“oh I th1nk 1ll p1ck th3 m4r1o guy! H3 looks cool!” The girl was getting a little jumpy, throwing some threatening words at Mario. I tried to get her to calm down, we were here to race, not pick a fight with some fat guy. I tried to calm the situation down. “1 W4NN4 PL4Y 45 7H3 PR377Y P11NK PR1NC355.” Mario seemed amused, laughing as Latula selected him. 5H17FUUUCK I mean laughing at her words. He took another long drag on his cigar, and got into his car, offering to let her off the hook for her debts if either of us won. I wasn’t the type to back down, I had taken bullets, broken bones, a few hits to the head and that never felled me. No crook, not even this scumwad had ever gotten the best of me, and even if I couldn’t drive stick to save my life, I figured there was no better time to learn.

We revved our cars, glancing at one another al the while. Some fancy dressed flapper in a dress one size to small stood in front of the track, holding a handkerchief, ready to drop at any moment. I gave one last look at the dame, she blew me a kiss for luck. It was then at that moment I knew, I had to win this. For her. The flapper dropped the handkerchief, and before it even hit the ground me and Mario were off. My car stalled at first, before finally getting up to gear and running off. I then realized Mario had sabotaged me. “FUCK1NG CH34P 455 5H11177Y FUCK1NG G4M35 FUCK5.” “h4 looks l1k3 1 got th3 l34d m1tun4! b3tt3r try to c4tch up!” Mario taunted me, but I pressed on.

In and out of traffic we weaved, dodging both each other and the other cars. Mario would try to ram into me occasionally, hoping to knock me out, but I was quick. Even with my crappy car, I was gaining on him, but Mario wasn’t out of tricks yet. He had one last card to play and I was about to receive a full deck. “oh h3y looks l1k3 thos3 th1ngs 4r3 pow3rups! wh4ts 4 b4n4n4 do? B3tt3r w4tch out m1tun4…” He pulled out a revolver, and fired off a few shots. One took out the glass, and another the mirror. But Mario had failed to understand something about me, I’ll do a lot of crazy things, this was one of them, but never ever get between me a cute face.

I took advantage of his distracted driving; he was so fixated on shooting me he didn’t even notice what was in front of him. He clipped the slide of a car, crashing his vehicle and letting me pass. “oh d4ng, gott4 w4tch wh4t 1m do1ng.” He screamed at me, cursing my name as I raced passed him. I chucked a bit, ‘cheaters never prosper’ I thought. Soon I finally reached the finish line, Mario long behind me. The dame raced towards me giving me a big hug and damn near planting my whole face with her lipstick. Mario finally reached the finish line, pissed as ever. “4w d4ng, you b34t m3 mitun4.” “MY THUM85 HUR7.” I gave him a witty remark back.

Mario surprisingly was good on his word, telling the dame all bets were square between them before heading off in a huff. He warned me not to ever bother him again but I knew he was just venting steam, a guy like me was not worth messing with but I’d be ready just in case. I said my goodbyes to the dame, offering to give her a hand if she needed help in the future, and handing her my card as well. She asked me if she could ever repay me. I told her I only wanted one thing. Her name.  And she said, “w3ll th4t w4s fun, you f331ng b3tt3r now m1tun4? hows 4bout w3 pl4y 4noth3r round huh!”

I can handle everything this crummy city can give me, cept for one thing. A pretty face.
7H3 3333ND!!

4ND Y35 1 W4NN4 PL4Y M0R3 L4TULL4