Edited Story

The Lord of the Hakkero or Marisa the Nine-Fingered and the Reactor of Doom by Swhaydohehs

[b][u]Book One - The Fellowship of the Hakkero[/b][/u]

[u]Scene 1 - Mima's Retirement Party.[/u]

Set after Touhou 5. Mima celebrates her second appearance as a main character and, at the encouragement of Yumemi the Strawberry Red, imparts a hakkero to Marisa before disappearing on a quest to become the main god of the Hakurei Shrine. Her return is eagerly awaited in Touhou XX.

[u]Scene 2 - It is the True Hakkero?![/u]

Yumemi the Strawberry Red returns to the Hakurei Shrine and warns Marisa that her hakkero is the True Hakkero that channels love into giant fricking laser beams. She then goes into a three hundred page flashback about how the evil MANnosuke created the True Hakkero to turn Gensokyo into a boys love harem like Gravitation. MANnosuke was defeated by the original Hakurei Maiden in Breakout but she kept the hakkero for herself. After a year of low donations she sold the hakkero for rice and it eventually came into Young Alice's possession before Mima stole it in the EX-Stage. MANnosuke has returned and Marisa must get to Hakugyokurou where Yuyuko can keep her safe. Reimu, who still owes Marisa for all those mushrooms she lives on decides to accompany Marisa for Youmu's cooking.

[u]Scene 3 - Obligatory Early Game Cutscenes on the way to the SDM.[/u]

Marisa makes plans to sneak out of the Hakurei Shrine through the Forest of Magic with Reimu and her trickster friends Cirno and Daiyosei, and Rin Satsuki. Yumemi the Strawberry Red leaves to check on an upcoming Phantasmagoria and doesn't return before the group sneaks through the forest. The heros are accosted by the dreaded Fundoshi Fliers, "the most terrible servants of MANnosuke." By pressing X at certain intervals they sneak past the Fliers and reach the SDM gates. Rin Satsuki stays behind as a decoy and gets killed offscreen so badly that her name is never mentioned in EoSD. At the SDM they're joined by Sakuya who needs to visit Hakugyokurou for sugar.

[u]Scene 4 - Reduced to 1 HP, BAD END?[/u]

At the gate to Hakugyokurou a terrible danmaku battle breaks out between the five travelers and five of the Fundoshi Fliers, including their leaders the Prismriver MANsters. Merlin goes Berserk and hits Marisa with her trumpeteers curse before Sakuya hits the Fliers with a steamroller. Marisa starts turning into Cho-Marisa as the heros race through the Netherworld chased by all nine Riders. Marisa is rescued by the appearance of Youmu, who uses 200 Yojanas in One Slash to outrace the Fliers and lead them past the Saigyou Ayakashi. The Fliers are washed away by a wave of Yuyuko's phantom butterflies.

[u]Scene 5 - The Title Drop[u]

Now in Hakugyokurou, Marisa has been healed of the Cho Poison by Yuyuko and finds out Mima got here early by taking the shortcut under the Hakurei Shrine steps. Thanks to Suika, Yuyuko has already gathered all the important characters and the Feast of Yuyuko starts. Yumemi the Strawberry Red attends and makes up some excuse about important wizardly affairs so no one finds out she was distracted by the shapeliest pair of legs in Gensokyo. She also mentions she went to Mayohiga to meet Yukari the Gap Purple, but Yukari is shipping Rinnosuke x Yukari and threw Yumemi into a gap until a UFO rescued her. Yukari is creating her own army of hideous Sinsacks to take the True Hakkero for herself. At the feast it's decided to throw the True Hakkero into the Underground Reactor, since nuclear fusion is the ultimate power. Marisa is chosen as the Hakkero-Bearer, mostly because no one wants to get Master Sparked, and sets off with a party of eight and one guest character. Herself, Reimu for healing, Sakuya and her mistress Remilia (The guest character) for night battles, Yuka Kazami from the Garden of the Sun who happened to be flower viewing and let herself into the party, Yumemi the Strawberry Red who is 30 levels higher then everyone else, Nitori the Kappa daughter of Natorin the Kappa for tanking, and Marisa's fairy companions who never get switched in. They are accompanied briefly by Genji the Turtle before ditching him a page later because mounts are useless.

[u]Scene 6 - The Title is Dropped?[/u]

The Fellowship of the Hakkero is unable to fly towards the entrance to the underground because Jerk Letty the Fundoshi Flier won't let up. They're forced to cut through the Bamboo Forest of the Lost. Nitori spends three pages of flavour text talking about the gates in agonizing detail. The Fellowship is caught in a trap by the demonic Trollwi and Yumemi blasts the two of them into a rift in space with SCIENCE. The remaining seven party members and one guest escape the forest and enter Eientei. Eirin and Kaguya gift the party with some impossible request key items. Marisa offers Kaguya the hakkero but Kaguya refuses after a creepy monologue about shooting the moon. Marisa steals the idea for future spellcard use. After leaving, Remilia tries to convince Marisa to use the hakkero for justice against MANnosuke's army, then tries to steal the hakkero for herself to power up her Gunghir. Marisa shows Remilia her Love Sign - Master Spark and flees, realizing her party is completely insane. Reimu finds her by beating three unrelated stage bosses and they agree to go to the Underground Hell together. Thus the Fellowship is broken and the title of the book makes no sense whatsoever.


[u][b]Book Two - The Two Diverging Plotlines[/b][/u]

[u]Scene 7 - Pretending the Secondary Characters Matter[/u]

Sakuya sees Remilia's trademark Red the Nightless Castle and rushes to find her mistress at 1% health and no bombs. Remilia tells Sakuya that the useless fairies were stolen by a mob of Sinsacks and Marisa shot her before disappearing in a pichuun. Sakuya, Yuka and Nitori chase after the Sinsacks carrying Cirno and Daiyosei in completely the wrong direction from the plot. Cirno and Daiyosei escape by pretending the Sinsacks are frogs and freezing them, and escape into a nearby wheat field. They convince the Aki Sisters to help defeat Yukari the Gap Purple after pointing out the Sinsacks are turning all their fields into bread and stealing all the leaves for loincloths.

[u]Scene 8 - If there wasn't a body she's not really dead[/u]

Sakuya, Nitori and Yuka meet with the Tengu Patrol lead by Momizi, who tells them about the strange frozen Sinsack encampment. Sakuya follows a trail of ice cubes that leads them to Yumemi the Strawberry Red! She explains how her assistant Chiyuri fixed the Probability Space Hypervessel and rescued both her and Trollwi, who is having tea back at Eientei. The four fly up to the Moriya Shrine, capital of the anti-fundoshi resistance and Yumemi kicks some sense into Kanako, reminding her she's not an old hag. In the process, Kanako's nine-tailed advisor is revealed to be Ran Yakumo, Yukari's number one shikigami! Ran gets Onbashira'd off the mountain. Sakuya, Yuka and Nitori travel with Kanako to a Tengu stronghold where the Moriya Shrine Army and the Sinsack Legion engage in direct combat. Kanako picks archers when Yukari picks infantry twice and Kanako takes heavy losses. All seems lost until Yumemi the Strawberry Red brings in the Kappa, driven out by earlier Sinsack assaults, and picks magic against infantry, driving the Sinsack army into retreat. The Sinsacks retreat across a river filled with Hina's nagashi-bina army and are misfortuned to death. Yumemi the Strawberry Red, Sakuya, Nitori and Yuka follow Kanako and Momizi's army to Mayohiga.

[u]Scene 9 - No more fooling around, Yukari![/u]

Cirno and Daiyosei rejoin the party! Mayohiga is overrun by nameless fairies called by the Aki sisters with promises of pretty leaves and tasty wheat. Yukari the Deep Purple and Yumemi the Strawberry Red have a second epic confrontation of wizardly power. Yumemi looks defeated until she reveals SCIENCE has empowered her and she is now Yumemi the Strawberry Red with Whipped Cream on Top! Yumemi blasts Yukari into her own gap and seals the exit with Cool Whip. Ran tries to brainwash Daiyosei with a gap-stone, but Daiyosei's brain is already a gap and she remains unharmed. Yumemi the Strawberry Red with Whipped Cream on Top and Daiyosei head for the Human Village to prepare for direct war with MANnosuke's forces while Kanako and Sakuya gather the rest of the Tengu.

[u]Scene 10 - Meanwhile with the characters that actually matter[/u]

Marisa and Reimu finally ask Alice why she's been following them since the Bamboo Forest. Alice reveals that Marisa stole her precious thing and she won't leave them alone until Marisa gives it back. Reimu doesn't like the idea of a love triangle but Marisa is a player and lets Alice join the party. Having explored the hot springs before, Alice guides the group safely through the evil spirit spewing geysers to the main Underground Entrance. Alice points out that MANnosuke is camped out directly on top of the elevator, convincing Marisa and Reimu to take another detour near Youkai Mountain. The group is attacked by Flandre, sister of Remilia who nearly kyuu's them to death until Marisa promises to make room in her harem. Reimu accidentally tells Flandre about the True Hakkero and their plans to destroy it in the Reactor. Flandre lets them go the following morning, warning that Alice is probably impatient about that thing Marisa 'borrowed'. After the group is gone she wonders why Marisa didn't just ask her to kyuu the Hakkero.

[u]Scene 11 - IT'S A TRAP![/u]

Alice continues to guide Marisa and Reimu towards the Underground Hell. Alice tries to convince Marisa to pair up again Imperishable Night style, citing many canonical MariAri sources. Reimu complains that ReiMari is even more canon and has a longer following. Alice decides to hell with it and leads Marisa and Reimu into the lair of the dreaded Yamame so Marisa can fulfil her promise of returning everything when she dies. Marisa and Reimu escape from Yamame's cave but Yamame manages to sneak up on Marisa. Reimu is silenced by Alice's Eerily Luminous Shanghai Dolls and Marisa gets infected by Yamame's illness powers and falls unconscious. Reimu goes ballistic and activates her Last Word, Fantasy Heavening the hell out of Yamame and Alice and forcing them to retreat. She assumes Marisa is dead despite the lack of power ups and takes the True Hakkero, resolving to finish the plot. But then a patrol of Sinsacks takes Marisa's body and she follows them, realizing Marisa is alive but taken by the Enemy.


[u][b]Book Three - The Return of the Main Character[/b][/u]

[u]Scene 12 - Kill it with Fire, it's the only way to be sure[u]

Yumemi the Strawberry Red with Whipped Cream on Top and Daiyosei arrive at Keine's School in the Human Village and meet with Fujiwara no Mokou, the sworn protector of the Human Village. Mokou takes Daiyosei under wing to learn how to become the Strongest like Cirno and prepares to burn the hell out of everything as MANnosuke's forces press closer. Flandre returns and is ordered back out to kyuu the Sinsack horde approaching the outlying yakitori and grilled lamprey stands, but the food is overrun and Flandre is returned to the school glitched out of regenerating health. Faced with the horror of exchanging her extremely stylish pants for a fundoshi, Mokou makes preparations for her Fujiwara Volcano spellcard to destroy her, Flandre, and the entire Human Village.

[u]Scene 13 - Bring out your dead[/u]

Meanwhile, at the Moriya Shrine, Kanako and the Tengu Patrols are still recovering from a late night of drinking with Suika. Oh, and that Battle at Mayohiga. Sakuya, after an epic staredown with MANnosuke's giant throbbing monster eye, sets out to break the fourth wall and find the Army of the Damned, made from Original Characters inhabiting the worst fanfiction, deep in the locked threads where their Mary Sueness has been buried. Nitori and Yuka accompany her as well as a squad of fairy maids from the SDM known as The PAD Chief Company. As Sakuya flies off to the forums, Kanako marches the Tengu to the Human Village. Cirno insists she is the Strongest and should be Kanako's war general, but gets locked in a freezer until Sanae lets her out and smuggles her secretly with the Tengu army.

[u]Scene 14 - The coolest part of the book[/u]

The decisive battle between the Fundoshi Army, lead personally by Berserk Merlin and the Prismriver MANsters, and the rebel forces of the Human Village begins! The Fundoshi Army manages to move multiple Flower Tank unit onto the Village squares, but Kanako arrives with the Tengu patrols and Kappa disassembly teams make short work of Rikako's babies. Time stops and a dark grey ship appears in the Misty Lake. The Sinsacks rejoice at the sight of more out of theme memes, but are quickly horrified to see the banner of CMPC flying from the ship as a hoard of Ammy's charge into the Fundoshi Army. Sakuya took a wrong turn and accidentally recruited the Ammy of the Damned who were all too happy to get involved in the contest. Switching to main character mode, Sanae confronts Berserk Merlin and uses the power of miracles to make a huge gap in Merlin's insane danmaku. Cirno uses Perfect Freeze and Sanae smashes Merlin's trumpet with her gohei, fulfilling the prophecy that Merlin would not fall by 'a Shrine Maiden of Hakurei' and proving she and Cirno make much better main characters. The battle is won, but many Tengu were pichuun'd and Kanako had run out of faith and was drinking tea at the Moriya Shrine. Mokou activates her Fujiwara Volcano anyways, but Yumemi and Daiyosei pull Flandre into the safe spot and the only person Mokou manages to pichuun is herself. Sakuya uses her time manipulation to fix Flandre's health glitch, as well as give Cirno and Sanae their lives and bombs back. Knowing MANnosuke will have no trouble recruiting more perverts for another assault, Yumemi the Strawberry Red with Whipped Cream on Top and Sakuya decide to attack MANnosuke head on at the entrance to the Underground to distract him from noticing Reimu and Marisa approaching the Reactor. As the last battle begins, Daiyosei is pichuun'd instantly by EX-Level danmaku.

[u]Scene 15 - The Endgame[/u]

Reimu uses the True Hakkero to power a Fantasy Spark and destroy the Sinsacks guarding Marisa, curing her illness with her white mage powers. Marisa greedily latches back onto the hakkero and the two navigate past the Bridge Troll and towards Hell's Blazing Furnace. Yumemi's distraction was a complete success, as Okuu, Orin and her zombie fairies are too busy eating popcorn and watching the battle to stop Marisa and Reimu from reaching the Reactor. Just as Marisa is about to let the hakkero feel the ultimate energy of Nuclear Fusion, she realizes it would destroy her most defining spellcard and she refuses to let go. Just then Alice makes a surprise reappearance as the last boss and engages Marisa in combat for the hakkero. Marisa loses, but Alice reveals she wasn't chasing after Marisa for the hakkero but for her Grimoire that Marisa accidentally took from her home instead of Marisa's journal. Marisa returns the Grimoire, Alice leaves and the hakkero is dropped into the Reactor, destroying MANnosuke's power once and for all. The Reactor goes into Meltdown mode, but the pair are saved by Aya's Illusionary Dominance and whisked out of the Underground faster then "Ayayayayaya!". The Sinsacks flee in terror as MANnosuke's danmaku collapses, reverting him to Rinnosuke the mild-mannered shopkeeper. The war is finally over and the reverted characters are forgiven, going back to their stages in peace.

[u]Scene 16 - The Credi.. Wait this book isn't over yet?[/u]

Sakuya is given Mokou's position as Guardian of the Human Village and is given Youmu as a bride, causing SakuYou to squee and SakuRemi to ball their fists in rage. Flandre is appointed Head Kyuu Master of the Human Village and asked nicely to stop exploding houses. Reimu, Marisa, Cirno and Daiyosei are honored as heros of the War of the Hakkero, returning home to find the Hakurei Shrine was destroyed and is currently being rebuild by Chen to worship the Great 17 Year Old Sleeping Beauty. Cirno and Daiyosei, now ten levels higher then Reimu and Marisa, lead an army of nameless fairies to drive off Chen and have her lead them to her masters. Hidden in the cherry blossoms the mastermind is revealed to be Yukari the Gap Purple and her shikigami Ran, having escaped the Cool Whip prison through another gap. Though outmatched, Yukari can't help asking Ran to go Suppa Tenko one more time, and in a fit of rage Ran uses her Last Spell, blowing herself and Yukari up in the process. Later, the two had tea at the Hakurei Shrine with Reimu and Marisa.

[u]Scene 17 - The Actual Credits this Time[/u]

The Shrine is rebuilt for the seventh time and peace is restored. Reimu marries Suika for her never-ending supply of alcohol. Cirno is finally granted a star role in The Great Fairy Wars and Daiyosei is happy with her reappearance. Marisa however, isn't ready to settle down, and armed with a new mini-hakkero she flies after rumors of a flying treasure ship, filled with callbacks to Yumemi, Skinki, and many other PC-98 characters, possibly even Mima's amazing comeback. Stuck cleaning up Marisa's leftover junk, Reimu turns to Suika and says, "Well, time to prepare the teasets."

GOOD END 1




Cutscene 23! The Last Battle, Hell's Blazing Wonderland.

<Marisa and Reimu enter the Remains of the Blazing Hell.>

Marisa: Whew.. This is so hot. So hot I could die!

Reimu: We're almost to the Reactor. Then you can die all you want.

Marisa: Yeah.. just a few more steps and a quick drop and this'll all be over.

<Marisa glances down at the True Hakkero, clutching it tightly. Reimu seems unaware of Marisa's actions.>

Reimu: We'll be back at the shrine in no time. Then you and I and even Suika will laugh about this over tea, how we became the legendary Shrine Maiden of the Sunny and Magician of the Drizzle, outwitters of Sinsacks and main characters for nine installments. Then we can hang up our hitboxes and be just a Shrine Maiden and an Ordinary Black-Magic Girl. A few more steps and here we are.

<Marisa and Reimu stop in front of The Underground Reactor. Reimu takes a rock and drops it downward into the reactor. The rock slowly dissolves.>

Reimu: If we stay in a place like this my lungs are going to burn up. There's finally no one left to stop us from finishing. Do what you need to do Marisa!

<Marisa shakes her head, holding the True Hakkero out at Reimu.>

Reimu: What? Marisa what are you doing?

Marisa: Nah, I got it figured out da ze. This hakkero has been with me all along, it's how I'm the best Ordinary Magician there is! Mima gave me this to be strong like her, and with my Master Spark I'm a main character just like you now. If I let this go I'll just be living in a Red Dream while you solve all the incidents. With this we can beat MANnosuke ourselves! I won't let it go, I'll never let it go!

Reimu: Marisa are you insane? You'll always have Orreries Sun!

Marisa: That's not good enough! It's less flashy then it used to be anyways! And now to stop you from getting in my way, ze!

<Marisa mutters something tenderly to the True Hakkero, then aims at Reimu.>

Marisa: LOVE SIGN MASTER SPA-

Shanghai: Shang-hai!

<Shanghai delivers a 236B worth 4 hits to Marisa, knocking her Master Spark away from Reimu. Alice walks out of hiding and stands between the two.>

The Seven Colored Puppeteer - Alice Margatroid

[BGM: the Grimoire of Alice ~ UNL]

Alice: You finally arrived. I came here purposely knowing I could defeat you. Now give me back my precious-

Marisa: Ow! Why'd you gotta do that?! I get it, all I have to do is beat you and the quest is over right?

Alice: This quest will only end with your game over!

<The weather changes to Hail. Reimu watches, unable to act as Border of Duel activates and starts.>

<Alice starts the match by throwing up a few 5C Dolls while Marisa closes in for a 5AAAA broom sweep assault. Alice throws up a block and grazes backwards through Marisa's 2B star danmaku pursuit.>

Alice: Oh, are you too afraid to come at me again? Didn't you say you could take on the world?

Marisa: Afraid? I don't even have to look at you!

<Marisa pushes forward with multiple 6A ass attacks, knocking Alice into the corner.>

Alice: Aaah! Do you have no shame?!

Marisa: You can keep the shame, the only thing I need is power da ze!

<Using her dash momentum Marisa executes a 5AAA 5B 5C hjc9 j.2A j.2C blasting Alice with blue and green danmaku. Alice is knocked in the air but quickly grazes to the side to avoid corner lockdown.>

Alice: Cough.. that was impressive, but I don't think it was flashy enough. Is danmaku really all about power with tiny bullets like that? I thought you would give me a real show.

<Alice carefully manipulates her strings, moving a previously placed Hourai Doll into position. Marisa doesn't notice.>

Marisa: If you wanted a demo all you had to do was ask!

<Marisa pulls out the True Hakkero again, muttering tender words of obliteration and pointing it at Alice. Alice pulls out her own spellcard.>

Alice: "Focus Power" Trip Wire!

<The invisible string of magic between Alice and Hourai suddenly ignites into a red laser, with Marisa directly in its path. Marisa yells and stumbles backwards into the burning hot Hourai Doll. The True Hakkero flies from her hands and tumbles downward into the furnace.>

Marisa: No! My main character entitlement! Come back!

Alice: I'm not finished yet Marisa!

<Marisa is busy trying to grasp at her fallen hakkero, completely distracted from the fight. She fails to throw up a block before Alice tosses out an alt.236C spinning doll, leading into a 2A 3A 5C 236B 2B hj9 j.5A j.6A 16 hit assault of doll after doll charging with lances, firing rainbow danmaku, and ending with a six string doll smash. Marisa slams into the ground, health at 10%. Marisa quickly throws up her arms, signalling an end to the round.>

Marisa: Wait wait wait! What's with you Alice?! Didn't you see your precious thing just fell into the reactor?

<Alice recalls her dolls, crossing her arms and regarding the pair with a cold expression.>

Alice: What are you talking about? I don't want your low-class power device. I have no need for brute force in danmaku! I want you to give me back my Grimoire!

<Reimu helps Marisa up and the pair exchange confused glances.>

Marisa: Uh, Alice, I don't have your Grimoire. I think I woulda noticed a big black book.

Alice: Yes you do. You took it when you left my house the morning before visiting Reimu at the Shrine, remember?

Marisa: What? All I took with me was my journal! See, it's right here..

<Marisa takes off her hat, reaching inside and pulling out a black book bound with red ribbons. The front reads, "The Grimoire of Alice".>

Marisa: Oh. Well what do you know da ze! I happen to have a copy of it right here I was keeping safe for you!

<Marisa gives Alice her trademark toothy grin. Alice looks unamused and takes her Grimoire from Marisa.>

Alice: I'm glad that that's settled. I'll be taking my leave now. I expect there to be tea ready at the Shrine when I stop by next. Marisa, if you change your mind about our MariAri collab you know where to find me. Don't leave without me again just because some kappa wants you to test her latest invention!

<Alice bows politely, Shanghai and Hourai following her movements. Alice and her remaining dolls fly towards the reactor exit and out of sight.>

Marisa: She coulda just said that earlier. Oh well, I'm glad that's settled. Now to get my hakkero and blow our way out of here with power!

<Marisa turns to the reactor. The reactor is now radiating a green glow and making bubbling noises combined with the charging sound made before a Spark fires.>

Reimu: Maybe we should skip to the getting out of here part.

Marisa: Wait, I have another plan. Let's bravely turn around and fly out of here!

<Reimu and Marisa start flying backwards through Hell's Furnace. Rock danmaku appear at random and scatter into tiny hard to dodge patterns. Halfway throug the level Marisa is hit by a falling rock and reduced to 1% health. Reimu catches Marisa as she falls.>

Marisa: I'm out of power, ze. Don't leave me behind!

Reimu: I'll never make it carrying you! Don't you want someone to tell the brave story of Marisa the Nine-Fingered and the Reactor of Doom? Your sacrifice will never be forgotten!

<Marisa looks at her hand, noticing one of her fingers is missing.>

Marisa: When did that happen?! Now I really gotta get out of here to show that prissy puppeteer what for! Faster Reimu!

<The ceiling starts to collapse over Reimu and Marisa. Reimu flies far too slowly to avoid the rocks. Moments before being crushed a blue blur grabs the pair and pulls them to safety.>

Aya: Wind Sign, Illusionary Dominance!

<Aya activates her spell card and pulls Reimu and Marisa out of Hell's Furnace, dodging laser danmaku that shoots from randomly appearing blue circles while taking pictures for high score. Aya continues carrying Reimu and Marisa until they reach the Palace of the Earth Spirits, where she sets them down.>

Aya: Ayayayaya! If I hadn't flown in when I did you two would have been cooked! Good thing Yumemi pointed me in your direction.

Reimu: You're right, thanks Aya, we owe you big time for this. I'm surprised you're not using it as an excuse to..

Aya: Glad you said that because I want the full scoop! How does it feel to be the assistant to the main character for once? Why was Alice seen entering and leaving alone and how do you feel about Marisa's promiscuous ways? How did Marisa lose a finger in a non-lethal danmaku battle and why is Utsuho's reactor shooting lasers without her? I'm seeing the headlines now, Marisa the Nine-Fingered and the Reactor of Doom!

<Reimu and Marisa look at each other, then burst out laughing. Aya watches in confusion until the pair pass out from exhaustion. Aya shrugs and uses her wind manipulation to bring Reimu and Marisa back to the main party in the Human Village.>

END SCENE.