Assisting

>You flip another page over on the clipboard, scanning the contents
>Cider production up 15%. Increasing exports is a good idea. Don't want to saturate the market...
>You side-step a palace cook, not looking up from the clipboard. You've been doing this walk every day since Celestia made you her personal assistant. You could easily do it blindfolded.
>You keep walking, starting to ascend the stairs. She was always in the throne room by eight, so you had to be there by seven forty-five. You check your watch. 7:15. Yeah, you're not going to be-
>"Anonymous! Sir!"
>The voice of a guard interrupts your train of thought
"Yes?"
>"Your services are unneeded today, sir. Celestia is sick."
"Sick?"
>"A flu, sir. She'll be fine by tomorrow."
>You glance down at your notes again
>This is the quarterly trade report! She has to know about this stuff...
"Is there anyway I can contact her? She needs to sign off on this."
>"No, sir. She's highly contagious, and doesn't want to spread the disease to anybody. The whole wing is quarantined."
>You groan and drop the arm holding the clipboard to your side
"She's that sick?"
>"Afraid so, sir."
"Gah. Fine."
>You shrug and turn back, walking down the stairs
>Of all the days to get sick...
>You reach the end of the stairs and make a left, heading to the kitchen
>You sit down at a table, and, within seconds, Bodacious Baker is at the other end
>"Ah, Anonymous. Is your taste for low-class food finally stated?"
"Is your name finally less retarded?"
>The pony across from you grins, and you return it, extending a hoof
>"Why you down here now, man? You already got breakfast. Don't you need to be in the throne room?"
"Celestia's sick, apparently. No court today."
>"Hey, it's a vacation, right?"
>You shrug
"I guess. Just wish it wasn't today."
>"Why?"
"Well, the quarterly-"
>You thoughts are interrupted by the sound of every cook in the kitchen dropping what they're doing and bowing
>You turn around, not getting up
>You didn't have to bow to the princesses
>Something about you "looking odd" when doing it
>Just being a biped was bad enough without awkwardly doubling over
"Oh, hey Luna."
>The night-princess nods to you
>"Anonymous. A pleasure as always."
"Is your sister okay?"
>"I am not certain. She sent me a letter via magic-post very early this morning, asking me to leave my bedchambers and quarantine the entire residence wing. I suspect she's paranoid about spreading it."
"When do ya think she'll get better?"
>"I'm uncertain."
>Luna pulls up a chair next to you, sitting down
>She turns to Bodacious Baker
>"Chef, could I possibly get a large bowl of cereal, some eggs, and a very tall glass of grapefruit juice?"
>"Yes, Princess. Right away."
>He scampers off to make the Princess breakfast
>Which was really more like her dinner
>Luna's nocturnal nature made her schedule all kinds of fucked up
>The moon goddess turns to you
>"The last time she got sick was just after my banishment ended. She took a week or so to recover."
>Oh, god, a week
>An entire fucking week without looking over the quarterly reports
>Luna notices your panic
>"Something the matter?"
"I- I just got the quarterly trade reports, and she needs to look over them. I mean, I guess you could, but-"
>Luna chuckles
>"Trade? Gods no, Anonymous. That is her territory."
>You shrug, acknowledging her point
"Yeah, but... Somebody has to!"
>"Well, why can't she?"
"She's sick. That's what we were just-"
>Luna holds up a hoof and you stop talking
>"She's an Alicorn, Anonymous. The virus or bacteria may be invading her body, but she feels very little, if any, effects."
"Then... Why the quarantine?"
>"To prevent it from spreading. Any disease which can get past an Alicorn immune system is fierce indeed."
"Well, even if she could look them over, it's not like I can just waltz in there."
>"Why not?"
"There's a quarantine. I can't spread-"
>The hoof again
>"Anonymous, are you a pony?"
"...no?"
>"Indeed, you aren't. So you can't get sick."
"I can still carry the disease to others, can't I?"
>She dismisses you with a hoof
>"The guards at the quarantine door can cast a disinfectant spell on you. Then you just need to stay in a cleanroom for a day or so."
"A day?"
>"Well, if the report is that important..."
>You nod
>She has a point
>"Come, Anonymous. I'll get the guards to let you in."
>Ten minutes of walking, explanations, and multiple-doorway-quarantine-entrances later, you're in the residence hall
>It's oddly spooky without all the usual ponies buzzing around
>You walk down the empty hallway, footsteps echoing
>It's so silent...
>You freeze for a second when you first hear the voices. You can't tell what they're saying. In fact, you can barely make it out.
>That's not Celestia talking
>But... She's the only one who's supposed to be here
>You walk slower
>Eventually, you're at her door
>You can hear murmurs, but nothing concrete
>You slowly open the door a crack
>"How long do we have?"
>"All day. I called in sick."
>A giggle
>Wait, you know that voice...
>Holy shit, that's Twilight
>But what's she doing-
>"You're so beautiful..."
>"Y-You too..."
>A soft shimmer of laughter
>Celestia's laughter
>"Gods, I wish we could just... Stay here, forever. Like this."
>The door swings open on its hinges as you stand there, locked up like windows 95 trying to multitask
>"Yeah... But this has to end, doesn't it?"
>"I suppose. But, we could make it seem like it lasts forever..."
>Another giggle
>You stand, frozen, watching Twilight and Celestia
>Twilight is laying on top of her, covered with blankets
>Celestia notices your presence halfway through the kiss, eyes going wide
>Her eyes reach the side of dinner plates, and she pulls back
>"A-Anonymous!"
>Her eyes are filled with anguish
>You turn outside and press your back against the wall
"I-- Jesus, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt!"
>"A- Anon, I- It's not what it-"
>Her voice is strained, high-pitched
>Each word is shaky, as if it's being forced out
>You decide to cut her off
"No, look, I get it. Taking a day off for some time with your girlfriend, it's fine. I just-- I had a report I wanted you to sign off on, but that can wait. I'll just-- Jesus, I'm sorry."
>Silence
>You lay against the hard marble, breathing heavily
>"You're... Sorry?"
"Yeah. I just interrupted fuckin' foreplay. Of course I'm sorry."
>"...You're not disgusted?"
>You blink, then push yourself off the wall, leaning back into the door
>Twilight and Celestia aren't on top of each other, but they're still in the same bed
"Disgusted?"
>"You just-- You saw two mares, together, in- i-i-intimancy.'
>Twilight's normally purple fur is red, and her ears are folded so far back you can't see them
"...Yeah? I mean, fuck, one of my lesbian friends and her girlfriend got drunk one time and I drove them home. They literally fucked each other in the back seat."
>"And you didn't..."
>Celestia's staring at you the same way she did when you first arrived
>Examining an alien
>"You didn't make them get out? Throw their filth to the wind?"
>Filth
>...Oh, shit. You see what's going on here.
"Wait, wait, wait. Is the entire mare-on-mare thing like, a huge taboo or something?"
>"The- The ultimate perversion."
"Yeah. We humans had that for a while, too, but that was pretty long ago. We're fine with it now."
>Okay, that's a fucking lie, but whatever
>"F-Fine with it?"
"Yeah."
>The room is quiet as you exhale through tense lips
"So... I'll leave you to it, then."
>You duck out the door
>You didn't wind up getting the papers to Celestia until the next day
>Most of that day was, of course, spent in a quarantine, waiting for the viruses that didn't exist to die
>You emerged feeling surprisingly refreshed, albeit a tad annoyed at the bland food
>Doing nothing but reading for a day was relaxing
>The minute you're out, however, you sprint to the throne room, clipboard in tow
"Yo, Celestia. I have that stuff you were too sick to sign yesterday."
>"Oh! Anonymous!"
>She doesn't look you in the eye
>"I shall review them with you."
>You calmly explain everything that's in the report, like you always do
>Celestia's fidgety and nervous, and she can't seem to get comfortable on her seat
>You can guess the reason why
>Still, you remain unfazed, and do your job as intended
>She eventually signs off on some letters of intent, including the increase of Cider exports
"Awesome. Well, I think we're done for today."
>"Ah-- Yes. For today."
>You nod, smile, and collect your things. Just before you exit, however, she opens her mouth
>"Anonymous?"
>You turn around
"Yes, Princess?"
>"I need to have a private meeting with you, after the court session is over."
"Of course. Where shall I-"
>"My bedchambers."
"...Right."
>You suppress the collective fantasies of the past year and nod, then exit
>You hang with a few guard friends of yours until 5:00, when court ends. You bid them farewell and make it to the residential wing
>This time, you knock
>"Come inside."
>You, again, try to suppress sexual fantasies as you enter her room
"You wanted me?"
>"Ah-- Yes. You see, Anonymous, you are the only other person who knows about me and Twilight."
>You blink
"Not even Luna?"
>"Not even her."
>You exhale through clenched teeth
"Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
>"No, it's a good thing."
"Oh?"
>"I-- I need you to help us."
>You sit down in a nearby chair
"How?"
>"Our anniversary, it's in a week. And, uh..."
>"I need you to plan it for me."
"Plan it for you?"
>Celestia shifts on the bed, laying on her side
>"Yes. You are, by far, the greatest assistant I have ever had in my thousand years of life. Your work ethic, brains, and resourcefulness is far above average."
>Huh
>Pretty much the opposite of what all your teachers in High School said, but, then again, they weren't immortal goddesses
>"I know that I can't hide any kind of major event. I planned a small dinner, but, well..."
>She looks up at you, ears dipped downwards a tad
>"After you seemed to be... understanding, I hoped for more. Something more--"
>Celestia looks down again, and her voice is a basically a whisper
>"Something more like what she deserves."
>Lick your lips, looking down at the chair yourself
>To be honest, this isn't really your idea of a fun time
>You...
>Okay, you kinda crushed on the Princesses
>Just a bit
>But, well, she was-- sorta not into you, apparently
>Probably not into your gender, even
>So setting up a romantic night for her is something you'd dreamed about for a while
>But it was with you
>Not another mare
>But...
>Celestia's asking you to make the perfect night
>You're her assistant
>And god dammit, she fucking deserves a nice night. A full year of having to completely hide a relationship? That's fucking awful
>You look up, face set with determination
"Of course. What level of secrecy?"
>"Total. No other person may have the slightest idea."
>Well, fuck
>You can still do it
"Okay. Easy. So, what day next week?"
>"Next Monday."
>Six days to plan a perfect (and perfectly secret) evening for two hidden lovers
>You grin
"Piece of cake."
>Six and three-quarter days later, you're putting the finishing touches on the perfect date night
"What'cha make in the basket?"
>"Uh... Four daisy sandwiches, a bottle of Maneland red wine, a salad for two, and two fruit tarts for desert."
>You check over the presentation of Bodacious' basket, tilting a sandwich a few degrees to straighten it
"Awesome. It's perfect."
>You check your watch
>4:00
>The date was supposed to start at five and a quarter, so you have an hour
>Plenty of time
>You grab the basket and set off, quickly making it to your room
>There's a blanket, some plates, and a whole shitload of candles neatly stacked near your bed
"Okay..."
>You reach on your dresser, lifting up a hollow statue of Starswirl the Bearded
>The red crystal you've been hiding inside glows brightly
>Acquiring that was stupidly hard
>Not many people needed captured holding spells
>You couldn't get it yourself -- the world-famous alien assistant to the princess, trying to purchase such an item? That would be in the tabloids for sure
>So you paid a guard to do it, and made up some story about needing to fit more stuff in your briefcase
>Which wasn't actually a lie
>You grab the crystal and hold it gingerly, making sure not to break it
>You stride to the other end of your room, picking up the faux-leather briefcase that's leaning against the wall
>You open the latches, still holding the crystal in one hand. You proceed to lift the lid and smash the delicate stone inside, releasing the spell contained within
>You wait for a while as it casts the spell. You are now in possession of a briefcase that's significantly larger on the inside than the outside
>You start to pack the picnic
>Blanket first
>Basket
>Plates and utensils
>Perfect
>You latch it up and check your watch again
>4:45
>Shit, that took you way longer than you thought
>You exit your room and descend two flights of stairs
>There's a chariot waiting for you, two pegasus guards already strapped in
"Hey. You guys ready to go?"
>"We have not been provided any sort of route or flightplan."
"Yeah. This little exchange needs to be off the books. Matter of national security."
>The guards both fidget slightly, uncomfortable
>You ignore them and get in the chariot
>"Take off and head east around the mountain."
>They follow your command, and you're soon in the air
>Scouting out this location took you a full two days
>Convincing the head of the guard that you needed two pegasi who were "trustworthy" to meet you for a flight, alone, took you another
>Negotiating with that guy was a fucking pain in the ass
>You scan the ground, looking for a landmar-
"See that stream?"
>The guards' voices are a muffled shout over the wind and the beating of their wings
>"Yes, sir!"
"Follow it."
>They do so for a few minutes, then you call out to them again
"Down here."
>They start descending in a lazy spiral
>The wheels of the chariot touch down, and you hop off
>There's a large patch of trees ahead of you
>You turn back to the guys who just flew you here
"Thanks, guys. I got it from here. Wait for a few minutes."
>You take off into the forest, still holding the briefcase
>You follow the stream until you come to the clearing you found on your second day of searching
>You walk around the outcrop of rocks, settling into the grassy patch
>There's a pool of water a few feet away, fed by the stream lazily falling over the sandstone rocks. It continues downwards into the forest, disappearing among the trees.
>You set to work, taking out the blanket and laying it down
>You set the plates into their proper position, and put the basket between them
>You stand up and look at your work
>All straight and tidy. No issues that you can see.
>Perfect.
>You snap your briefcase shut and leave the picnic behind, and soon you're out of the forest
>The two guards look up at you, and you smile back at them
"That's done, boys. Now, back to the castle."
>The metal of the chariot feels cool on your back as you turn around, looking behind you
>Fog is beginning to roll into the area, and it's hard to make out any detail
>You do, however, notice a small flash of purple light
>A smile forms on your lips
>That's Twilight...
>Another flash, white this time
>And Celestia
>You already showed them the place
>They'll be enjoying their picnic momentarily
>You, meanwhile, will be enjoying a well-deserved break
>You head towards the kitchen the moment the chariot touches down
>Bodacious greets you as you come in
>"How'd the picnic go?"
"Not mine."
>You go to the fridge and grab yourself a can of cider, popping it open. The cool taste of apples on your throat is refreshing. You turn to Bodacious
"Hey, you want one?"
>"You nuts? I can't drink on the job."
>You roll your eyes and close the door
"Sorry, I forgot that this stuff is alcoholic."
>"Extremely alcoholic! I have no idea how you drink it!"
>You chuckle
>Cider is, at most, 0.2% alcohol by volume
>You could drink a whole keg of the stuff
>Ponies, however, got totally sloshed after just three glasses
"Not my fault you guys have shitty livers."
>You take another sip and sit down
>"You're the one with a terrible liver. You shouldn't be able to handle that much booze."
>He sits down at the chair opposite you
>"So, if you didn't eat the picnic, who did?"
>You take another swig
"Classified. Now, get me some dinner."
>"'Classified.' Of course."
>He stands up, hurrying to the kitchen
>You eat his meal slowly, and, for once, get a chance to chat with your bro
>He's in line for a promotion, and him and his wife are thinking about foals
>You don't have nearly as exciting news
>Well, not news you can tell him, at least
>You chat for a few hours, then check your watch
>Eight
>The sun's setting in the sky
>Shit, you gotta go
>You thank him for the meal and hurry back to your room
>You put all the candles in your briefcase
>Now, the tricky part...
>You have to get into Celestia's room
>Thankfully, you had a plan to avoid the guards
>The castle was packed with secret passages, and Celestia told you where most of them are
>You exit your room and head left, then go down the East wing stairs
>There's a large bust of Starswirl the bearded on a pedestal
>You wait a moment for the guards to pass
>They patrol this corridor in seven-minute cycles. You checked yesterday.
>Right as the guard turns the corner, you pull on Starswirl's beard
>Immediately, the wall behind him disappears
>Magical secret passages
>Awesome
>You step into the cramped passageway, and the wall re-materializes in front of you
>You light a candle as you make your way down the dark hall
>A few ladders later, you're standing immediately above Celestia's bedroom
>You knock three times on a discolored marble panel below you, and it springs open, a rope ladder materializing out of thin air below it
>You climb down into her bedchambers, then check your watch again
>8:30
>Fuck, you don't have much time...
>You open the briefcase and grab as many candles as you can, placing them throughout the room
>You light them all as quickly as you can, then tend to the fireplace, lighting a few logs
>You glance around the room
>Dim, but not dark
>Every object flickering in the candlelight
>Perfect
>Now, you just...
>You look up, but there's no hole in the ceiling, and no rope ladder
>...Holy shit, you're a fucking idiot
>You planned out this entire night, except the part where you get out of her fucking bedroom
>It's not like you can use the door -- that's guarded
>You feel panic set in as you check your watch again
>9:00
>They're going to be here any second
>You desperately search her room for any alternative exit, but you come up empty-handed
>Shit. You were going to-
>Your thoughts are interrupted when a bright flash of light knocks you backwards
>The two princesses appear in the middle of the room, locked in a kiss
>Both their eyes are closed
>You cough
>Celestia's head whips to you in terror, but softens when she sees your face
>"Oh. Anonymous. What are you doing in here?"
"I, uh... was setting up the seductive candles, then totally forgot how the hell I was supposed to get out."
>"Setting up the candles?"
>Twilight tilts her head at you, confused
"Yeah. I, uh, kinda-- Helped Celestia on-"
>"Anonymous was kind enough to plan our date for me."
>Twilight giggles
>"I knew it wasn't you. You're never that good with romantic stuff."
>Celestia blushes
>"I-- Yes I am!"
>"No, you really aren't."
Twilight lifts you up with magic, freeing you from the mass of pillows you landed in
>"Thanks, Anonymous. The dinner was fantastic, and that location..."
>She looks, wistfully, off into the distance
>"It was perfect."
"Yeah. I'm pretty much the romance master. Now, could ya put me down?"
>Twilight shrugs and gently places you on the floor
>"As you wish."
"Good. Uh... Look, I'm pretty sure you don't want me here for the next part. So, uh-- Could ya teleport me out?"
>Twilight nods
>"Where to?"
"My room, I think."
>Her horn lights up, and you land on your bed
>You stare up at the ceiling
>Yeah
>Romance master
>You just wish it was *with* her, instead of *for* her...
>You soon fall into a troubled sleep
>You had a huge day, after all
>You need your rest
>Not that you actually get any
>Some mysterious person rudely shakes you awake at around 1:30
>The floor hits your face as you fall out of bed in shock
>"Anonymous!"
>Luna?
>What the fuck is she doing in your room-
"What the fuck are you doing in my room?"
>Oh, shit, you forgot to keep that thought inside your head
>Eh
>She woke you up really early. She can handle a curse word.
>"Treachery, Anonymous!"
"Treachery?"
>"Of the highest caliber. My sister... I fear she is corrupted."
>Oh, shit
>You know what this is about
>Or, at least, you think you do. Better let her talk, see what she thinks.
"Corrupted?"
>"I heard several... Thudding noises, in my room. As if her bed was smacking against the wall."
>Shit. She knows.
>You roll onto your stomach and get up, sitting on your bed again
"And?"
>"I-- I put my ear to the wall, and-- You won't believe what I heard."
>You actually could, but you had to play stupid
"What?"
>"Her and-- My sister was having carnal knowledge. Carnal knowledge of a *mare.*"
>The last word is a tortured whisper, as if the very thought is unbearable
>You just groan in reply
"Yeah. I know. She's screwing Twilight."
>"What?"
>Luna turns on the light, then leans right in next to you
>The only thing you can see is her dinner-plate eyes
"They've been dating for a year. I walked in on them earlier, and then helped them plan their anniversary."
>"You assisted them in their debauchery?"
"It's not debauchery. They're obviously in love."
>"Unnatural love!"
>You roll your eyes
>You had to deal with this shit enough back on Earth
"Unnatural love, yeah, but who gives a shit? Appeal to nature means nothing."
>"But... It's the ultimate evil! An act against all that his holy!"
"Honey, rape's an act against all that is holy. Murder's an act against all that's holy. Lesbian sex isn't."
>"But..."
"Why the hell is this world so homophobic, anyway?"
>This has been bugging you for a while
>Might as well rant about it
"I mean, you guys don't really have 'religion,' per say. Closet thing is praise of you and your sister. And your sister's obviously cool with the lesbian sex thing, considering the fact that Twilight probably spent a few hours with her muzzle buried in her--"
>Luna looks like she's about to vomit
"Sorry, too far. But the question stands."
>"It's... We know those acts are evil by those who perform them."
"Those who perform them?"
>"Chrysalis, seducer of mares. Ghengis Clopon, the great destroyer of the east, and lover of colts. The great rapist Flameword of the dragons. All homosexuals."
>You give Luna a look
"Seriously? That's... That's really it?"
>"Of course. It's a simple pattern."
"Really? You're going to judge people based off the actions of other people?"
>"Well, if the pattern exi-"
"No, don't give me that bullshit."
>You hold up a finger and prod her in the chest
"Correlation wasn't causation. You know your sister is a kind mare."
>"But I cannot be sure! She's-"
"Luna, no offense, but she's not the one that's done evil shit in the past."
>Your words smack her in the face
>She closes her mouth, going silent
"She and Twilight are both perfectly good people. They just happen to be gay."
>"But..."
"Years of conditioning are not so easily erased, I know. But you have to think, here. Ignoring past events, why is it bad?"
>"It... Sex is supposed to be for reprod-"
"Luna, I helped Celestia plan your birthday party two months ago. I know for a fact you don't think that, or else you'd be with foal right now."
>The night-Princesses' dark blue face suddenly turns red
>"How do you know about that?"
"You didn't really hide it. Hey, I'm not judging."
>Luna stomps a hoof on your bed, sitting down
>"I cannot think of any reason why I should dislike it. But that doesn't mean I'm okay with it."
"She's your fucking sister. You can't just abandon-"
>"I DO NOT WISH TO ABANDON HER!"
>The sudden usage of the Royal Canterlot Voice knocks you back into your headboard with a sickening thud
>That's gonna leave a mark...
>"I just-- I wish to..."
>Luna hangs her head in shame
>"Understand."
>Maybe you're being too harsh on her."
"Look, it can be very confusing. I know that personally. But, well, you're heart is in the right place. My advice?"
>You rub the back of your head, which is already starting to swell
"Just talk to her. After Twilight, uh, leaves of course."
>Luna nods, still staring down
"And, hey, chin up. You're taking this a lot better than most would."
>She looks you in the eyes
>You could get lost in those great blue orbs... Almost like the night sky itself
>You always liked her eyes
>"Thank you, Anonymous."
"Eh, don't mention it. Now, could I please sleep?"
>"You probably shouldn't. Not with that bump on your head."
>You feel your shoulders slump
>Dammit, she's right
>"Here, I'll take you to the hospital wing. We can tell them that I dream-walked in on you having a fierce night-terror, and you bumped your head while waking up."
"Yeah. That'll work."
>You climb out of bed, still holding your aching head
>She wraps a wing around you to steady you, and you both walk down together
>One examination later (you don't have a concussion, woohoo) you're back to your daily routine
>Walking up stairs with clipboards
>As usual
>Usual, that is, until you see the squadron of Guards marching towards you
>Fuck
>"Anonymous! Sir!"
"Yeah?"
>"Commander Steelewing, Royal Canterlot Guard."
"We've met."
>That was an understatement
>You talked to this guy at least three times a week. So what the fuck does he want?
>He stands at attention, head held high
>Well, "high" for a pony. So about up to your navel.
>"Sir, you have been acting suspicious. Nervous."
>A muscle tenses in your neck as your pulse starts to quicken
>Shit shit shit shit
"Really? Nah. I'm fine."
>You pull off the lie pretty well
>Learning how to lie was one of the first things you learned as Celestia's assistant
>Steelewing, however, sees right through you
>"You don't have to lie, sir. I've had scouts watch you for the past three days."
>You grit your teeth
"I didn't request such a thing."
>"You didn't have to. I have the authority."
>His face softens into an expression of pity and sorrow
>Not really a look you've seen him give before
>"We saw you set up the picnic. And the resulting events."
>Your face falls
>Well
>You're fucked
>"I can't imagine what it must have been like."
"Huh?"
>He looks genuinely empathetic
>"To be forced into assisting them in their debauchery. I've already set up sessions with the mental health office."
>You blink
>Jesus, he's not even accusing you
>He feels fucking sorry for you
>"But we need your help to stop this. I have here..."
>He pulls a paper out of his saddlebag
>"...An official letter of intent from several mayors and high officials. We are to arrest the Princesses involved, before they can unleash their evil on the world. However, we need you to help subdue them."
"Subdue them?"
>"Yes."
>You hold up a finger
"Yeah. Look, let me get one thing. To help me out, okay?"
>He nods
>"I'll send an escort with you. Don't worry. We'll keep you safe."
>It only takes about two minutes to get to your room
"Stay outside."
>"But-"
"Stay."
>You slam the door in his face, then flip the mattress off your bed
>You open up the panel on the box spring and pull out a chest, then open that
>You're now in possession of a 9mm film reel
>This was your emergency backup
>Getting it took you a full day, and cost you lots of money -- and a good portion of your shame
>The reel has highly illegal material on it. In fact, just possessing it makes you a felon
>But it's your only chance
>You swing your magically-enhanced briefcase up onto the bed, and put it in
>Right next to your projector
>Your breathing is heavy as you exit the room, looking as calm and collected as you can.
>"Ready to go?"
"Yeah."
>You march in the middle of the squad of guards
>They move in step, and you soon fall in too
>Fucking Marching Band
>Still effecting you after all these years
>It only takes a few minutes to get to Celestia's door
>"Okay. Ready?"
>Steelewing's voice is a whisper
>"Three."
>The front line turns around, facing their back hooves at the door
>"Two."
>They tense their muscles
>"One. Go!"
>The guards, in unison, buck Celestia's door down
>"FREEZE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST-"
>You take the opportunity that presents itself
>With Steelewing a step ahead, and the guards who bucked down the door coming down, you have a clear shot
>You bolt forward, standing between them and the Princesses
"STOP!"
>The guards freeze in confusion
>"Anonymous, you're-"
"I wasn't coerced. I helped them willingly."
>The room is utterly silent, except for the rapid breathing of the guards and the surprised Princesses
>"Explain, before I arrest you too."
"You're all making a giant mistake. You're about to arrest two people who have done nothing wrong."
>"We have seen their treachery with our own eyes!"
"No, you saw love with your own eyes!"
>You put as much emotion into the words as possible
>Which probably comes off as extremely corny, but whatever. You have a mission here.
>You bend down and open your briefcase, quickly unfolding the projector stand
"I need you all to watch something. Something that's going to help you understand."
>The film reel slides in easily, and soon it's spinning away
>"What is this, Anonymous?"
"Look. Just look at this, okay?"
>The image flickers to life on the opposite wall
>Marble is a surprisingly good surface to project film on
"You see this?"
>The screen shows an image of two mares, blushing, avoiding each other's gaze
"This is what it looks like. 99% of the time."
>The mares on-screen start to dance to unheard music
"Just two people. Forget all the shit in the past. Forget the monsters and the villains. This is it."
>Some of the guards tilt their heads
"Two people in love. Just like straight love, but with two people of the same sex. It doesn't have to be evil. You know what is evil?"
>Your voice rises in volume
"How you treat this. Look at you, for god's sake. You're arresting your Princess for being in love. That's treason, and it's despicable. Misguided. Look at this."
>You point to the two mares, still dancing
"Does that look evil to you?"
>You let the question hang in the air, then sweep your hands to the side, pointing at the Princesses
"Do they?"
>Steelewing avoids your glance, and his ears sag slightly backwards on his head
"I didn't think so."
>"But-- I--"
>You gaze into his eyes, and his voice stops
"Good. You're lucky that Celestia doesn't arrest you for treason right-"
>The guards gasp collectively
>You blink, then look to the screen
>Oh Jesus
>You--
>Holy fuck, you're an idiot
>You didn't watch the whole tape
>Of course it wasn't just fucking dancing
>No, you purchased a lesbian pornography video
>Not even soft, tasteful porn
>But hardcore, rim-job-filled, giant-strap-on pornography
>The guards stand, transfixed
>You hear the Princesses gasp behind you
>You casually kick the projector over, and the film stops playing
>You hear a few dejected gasps from the guards
"Uh... Yeah. Not really a part of that I wanted to show. Just... Yeah."
>Damn, it's really stuffy in Celestia's room
>Poor ventilation
>You tug at your collar, trying to cool off
"Okay. Guards. Get out before the Princess has you court marshaled for treason."
>"Court marshaled? I-"
"You just tried to fucking arrest her, idiots. You guys could be glue in two days time, but she's gonna be nice. Now get."
>Hooves thud on her carpeted floor as they shuffle from the room
>You close the door behind them
>"Anonymous, thank you so-"
>You hold up a finger
"Yeah, I know. Look, we have no time to meditate on how awesome I am. You guys got shit to do."
>Celestia raises an eyebrow
>"But... You got them to leave!"
>"And showed them hardcore pornography."
"Shut up."
>Twilight snorts
"Look. They told all the palace elites and shit. Everybody important knows."
>The color drains from both Princesses
"So you guys need to have a press conference. Right now."
>"But-- I am not-"
"I have a speech written already."
>You pull a piece of paper out of your suit pocket and flick it at her
>She catches it with magic
"Now, get dressed, shower, read that over, and speak it. Seriously. You need to do this before the rumors get out of hand."
>"But-"
"No buts! Go go go!"
>You rip the covers off them, and quickly avert your gaze
"...Okay, I'm a fucking idiot. Sorry. But-- Go go go!"
>You get out of the room before they can notice your quickly-growing erection
>Dear fucking god
>That dildo looked like somebody soaked it in fucking oil. Glistening in the light...
>What, did Twilight sleep with it on?
>You shake your head
>No time to think of Celestia moaning as her former student bit her ear, smoothing sliding the head of-
>GOD DAMMIT ANONYMOUS
>FOCUS!
>You spend the next two hours organizing a press conference
>Not the first emergency one you've organized, so it's not really a big deal
>Soon, a whole bunch of reporters are congregated in the palace courtyard
>Celestia nervously stands just inside the main doors
>"Anonymous, the speech is very good, but... I don't think they'll-"
"No time!"
>You shove her out the doors
"Go go go, before the tabloids do!"
>You watch from a window as she trots to the podium you had set up, then takes a deep breath
>You watch her start the speech
>You can actually pinpoint the moment she says "I've been dating a mare"
>One reporter actually passes out
>The rest all go bright red
>You continue to watch the speech
>"Hm. You set that up fast."
>You spring into a rather embarrassing karate pose at the sudden noise
"Luna? What the fuck! You can't sneak up on me like that!"
>"It is not my fault that you lack perception, Anonymous."
"Jerk."
>You turn towards the podium, watching her give her speech some more
>Luna nudges you
>"Anonymous, you're a fantastic assistant."
"Nah. This is my job."
>"I know. That's why you're fantastic."
>You look at her
>She has a small smirk on
"I don't follow."
>"You're able to put personal feelings aside to do your job."
>You quickly look away, back at Celestia
"I don't know what you're talking about."
>"Anonymous."
>You reluctantly look back at her
>Those starry eyes are full of compassion and sympathy
>"You like her."
"Do not-"
>"Yes, you do."
"...Maybe a little."
>You look back at her giving the speech
"But I didn't do this because I'm some-- fucking 'nice guy' faggot, okay? I did this because she was a friend in need."
>"I know, Anonymous. If you were a doormat you wouldn't have literally shoved her out the door a second ago."
>You nod, then close the curtain
"So. You gonna tell her?"
>"Of course not."
>You sigh in relief
"Good. It was just a--"
>"A juvenile crush because she's attractive?"
"How did you-"
>"I see dreams, Anonymous."
>You go pale
>Oh... Dear god
>She--
>Well, the chances of her seeing that one with the-
>"Including the one with the maid outfit."
>SHIT SHIT SHIT
"I-- That's an invasion of privacy!"
>"It's my job."
"Still not okay!"
>Luna shrugs
>"Eh."
>You roll your eyes
"Okay, so you saw me having a sex dream about your sister. But that's just a stupid crush. It means nothing."
>"Even with just a small crush... Seeing her with Twilight must have hurt."
"...Maybe a little. Not much, okay?"
>Luna looks out the window, towards her sister
>"You know..."
>You shoot her a look
>"It would be a lot easier to get rid of that silly crush if you got to know some more mares."
>You shrug
"I guess, yeah, but I work a lot, and-"
>"I can get her to give you some time off."
"...Well, I'd love that, but I'm a freaky hairless ape thing. I can't really just walk into a club."
>"No, you can't. But there's plenty of mares right here in the castle."
>You raise an eyebrow
>She's not seriously suggesting...
>"And, if you find the Alicorn form attractive, I do believe I know one who you might wish to talk to."
>You turn away, looking back out the window
>Celestia is being assaulted by Camera flashes
"...I'd like that."
>"Tonight at eight?"
"I'm open."
>Luna smiles, turning to you
>"I'm glad to here it. I'll see you then."
>She walks a few steps away, then turns back to you
>"Oh, and-- Anonymous?"
"Yeah?"
>Luna grins in a way that speaks to your most base instincts
>"Trust me. When I'm through with you, my sister will be the last thing on your mind."
>A shiver goes down her spine as she walks away



OPTIONAL JOKE ENDING

>Ohhhh god
>This is a feeling you haven't had for a while
>You're hungover
>Really hung over
>Death Grips is playing a concert in your head, and it fucking hurt
>You slowly sit up in bed, trying to ignore how fucking horrible everything feels
>How the hell did you even get drunk?
>The "alcohol" here is barely more than water...
>Oh, fuck, you remember now
>The Griffon king brought a bottle of wine
>Actual, honest-to-god wine
>The ponies took one shot each, but you had five or six glasses
>Or... Like eight
>Maybe
>It's fuzzy... Why did he have wine in the first place?
>Right, dedication of that one statue thing
>Jesus, for such a fancy, formal party, that thing got crazy fast
>You remember dancing on a table with Luna, and then...
>Something to do with Twilight and Celestia and a dance-off, and... You think there was cake involved, somehow, and...
>"Mmmphhff..."
>The sound of Luna snoring next to you snaps you back to the present
>So you ended up in bed together
>At least that part was norma-
>OH JESUS WHY IS THERE WARMTH ON BOTH SIDES OF YOU
>You feel your heartrate rise as you look to your left
>Oh-- Oh no
>Twilight's going to murder you
>You are so fucking dead
>Why the hell would Celestia even sleep with you? You were dating her fucking sister, and she was in a fucking relationship!
>Even if she was drunk, you can't believe she cheated on-
>Time seems to freeze as you notice the third person in your bed
>Oh
>Guess it doesn't count as cheating if both are involved...
>You slowly turn your head back to the right, where your Princess is sleeping
>She looks so content, with that claw wrapped around her--
>Wait, claw?
>Your eyes scan further
>Oh, Christ. That's the griffon ambassador.
>Why the fuck is he-
>WHY IS THERE ANAL LUBE ON THE COUNTER
>...Well.
>This was going to be one hell of an awkward breakfast.