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FluffandCrunch

Class of 2017 (Part Three)

Aug 2nd, 2012
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  1. Okay, let me take a moment to step back from reality for a rational, objective review of my choices in life.
  2.  
  3. I am a man of science, after all. Above all else, I must preserve objectivity.
  4.  
  5. I realize that I was a moron when I was younger, I have accepted that. There really is no excuse for forgetting to take seventeen pills several days in a row or running through an airport terminal at full tilt when I really could have used a phone and got Lilly to stop long enough for me to arrive and talk to her.
  6.  
  7. Then again, I also could have been more honest with her and kept her from leaving in the first place.
  8.  
  9. Again, I was a stupid teenager.
  10.  
  11. Although, had I not done those things, perhaps everything wouldn't have worked out as they did, which has always worried me. I like how things are in my life, I like who I've become.
  12.  
  13. Still, I have accepted the fact that I was, and still am, a little bit of an idiot.
  14.  
  15. Among these and other boneheaded decisions I've made in my life, I can rate at the near tip top what I'm doing right now.
  16.  
  17. Men with arrhythmia, even men in as excellent health as I am, should not be rolling around on a school rooftop with their best friend, punching and shoving and kicking and calling each other foul names like we were stupid teenagers again.
  18.  
  19. Neither one of us could be called accomplished fighters and, to be honest, we're mostly just shoving and pushing each other around, throwing a punch here or there and rolling in the gravel like a pair of stupid jackasses.
  20.  
  21. I'm not even sure what we're fighting about at this point, whether it's because of Hanako or Yuuko or respect or whatever.
  22.  
  23. Right now the only thing I'm thinking about is punching Kenji's face in and teaching him a lesson.
  24. I want to make him eat that scarf.
  25.  
  26. I'm in better shape than Kenji and I roll onto his back, shoving him face down into the pebbles, grinding his cheeks into the ground.
  27.  
  28. "Stop being such an ass, Kenji! You've always done this, you've always shot yourself in the foot, sabotaging everything you try do do! For once in your life, do something good for yourself and stop being so pathetic! Go talk to Yuuko or I'm kicking your ass!"
  29.  
  30. Kenji twists, his wiry frame surprisingly tough and strong. He slips from my grasp and throws his elbow into my face, making pain blast through my head. I reel back and I fall off of him.
  31.  
  32. Scrambling onto his back, he kicks me in the side and throws himself atop me, grabbing me by the collar and punching me in my already smarting cheeks for good measure.
  33.  
  34. "I'm not talking to her! Stop telling me what to do! What do you care? You've never taken me seriously before! You've always humored me, patronized me, always rolling your eyes when I talk, mocking me and my ideas! You treat me like a joke, like a fool!"
  35.  
  36. I slam my knee into Kenji's back and he rolls over my head. I scramble to stand up and grab him again, dragging him to his feet.
  37.  
  38. "Stop trying to make this about you and me! This has nothing to do with us or Hanako! You don't love her, you're just friends! You're only saying that so you can have an excuse not to talk to Yuuko! For the last ten years she's the only one you've ever talked about, the only woman you've shown any interest in! Now she's back and you're hiding up here on this roof like when we were kids! You have to grow up!"
  39.  
  40. He punches me in the gut and I double over. He throws another fist at me, thankfully missing an uppercut, going wide thanks to his bad eyesight.
  41.  
  42. His momentum carries him around and I grab him, twisting his arm behind his back, tightening my grip. We slam into the fence and I press him hard against the chain links, the metal squealing as I do, something cracking under our weight.
  43. Kenji yells in pain and I ease off my hold.
  44.  
  45. "You're a bastard, Hisao! You always have been! Stop trying to make me do things I don't want to do!"
  46.  
  47. "I'm only doing this for your own good!"
  48.  
  49. "You don't care about me!"
  50.  
  51. "Would I have tolerated you all these years if we weren't friends?"
  52.  
  53. "There it is! You 'tolerate' me! You've never believed anything I've ever said!"
  54.  
  55. "How can I? First it was feminists, now it's aliens and secret societies and ghosts! The only reason you believe in that stuff is so you can have an excuse! If there's something bigger than you out there controlling everything, you don't have to admit your own choices are your own fault! It's an excuse and you know it! Now you can go back and make things right for once! How many people would kill for that chance? How many times have you wanted to talk to Yuuko just one more time? I'm not letting you waste this opportunity, I'm your friend!"
  56.  
  57. Kenji fights back, trying to break away from me, but I hold tight, pushing his face firmly into the tiny rings of steel.
  58. He presses into the fence to build up room to push back against me.
  59.  
  60. That's when things go wrong.
  61.  
  62. Kenji sinks into the fence and something gives way. My hold becomes a push, the large section of railing falling forward and slamming partway into the side of the building, creating a perfect ramp for Kenji to plummet down headfirst.
  63.  
  64. He slides across the chain links towards the ground below, but he takes me with him. He twists during his plummet, but his feet catch the rim of the fence, halting his descent. I end up getting pulled off my feet, half bent over the cement border.
  65.  
  66. It slams into my chest, hard.
  67.  
  68. The breath is driven from me and my whole body shudders.
  69.  
  70. Kenji lets loose a cry of surprise, grabbing my hands frantically. The metal fence creaks and groans precariously under his weight.
  71.  
  72. My fingers hold tightly to him, but I can't feel his grip. I squeeze tighter, but there's still nothing there. My hands are getting numb and are beginning to tingle unpleasantly.
  73.  
  74. Kenji scrambles up, his dress shoes slipping until they hook into the chain links, using them to climb up, my efforts to pull him keeping him from slipping down into the blackness below.
  75.  
  76. *Thump*
  77.  
  78. My heart....
  79.  
  80. Pain begins to creep up my neck, tiny hot fingers crawling their way through my skin. I desperately pull at Kenji, every effort making the pain burn brighter and lance up and down my body.
  81. My chest tightens and I can't breathe.
  82.  
  83. *THUMP.*
  84.  
  85. I pull and Kenji climbs, the both of us flopping down onto the roof safely, gasping for breath as we do. Kenji clings to the stones on the ground as if he'll float away at any moment, hugging the firmness of the cement divider frantically.
  86.  
  87. It's all over in less than a few seconds.
  88.  
  89. I sprawl onto my back, gasping for air, and look up at the stars.
  90.  
  91. *THUMP!*
  92.  
  93. Kenji is breathing heavily, holding his chest, a hairline fracture through his thick glasses.
  94.  
  95. "Hisao...shit, I almost...." He look over at me. "Hisao? What...what's wrong?"
  96.  
  97. The stars whirl above me in circles and the inky blackness between them begins to bleed into me. I'm not scared, not really. I'm more angry, angry at my weakness.
  98.  
  99. I've come to learn to accept my condition, but I also hate it. It holds me back, it taunts me. Lilly's Father was right, I'm the little boy with a gimp heart. I've spent my life trying to fix that, to make that version of me go away.
  100.  
  101. *THUMP*
  102.  
  103. I try to breathe, but the air just doesn't do anything, like a balloon with a pin prick hole in it.
  104.  
  105. I jog, I work out, I take pills, I swallow herbal supplements every day, I even started taking meditation classes. I heard once that with enough focus, a person can slow down their own heartbeat, so why couldn't I do the same thing?
  106. It was all in an effort to make sure I was as strong as I could be, strong enough to keep Lilly and have as many days on Earth with her.
  107.  
  108. The old heart races and I clamp my eyes shut, refusing to allow it to take me down again. I haven't had an episode like this in years and I'm not about to let it get the best of me now.
  109.  
  110. "Hisao!?"
  111.  
  112. Kenji crawls along the roof towards me and grabs me by the shoulders. "Dude, are you okay? Is it your heart?"
  113.  
  114. "Don't touch me!"
  115.  
  116. Kenji jumps back from me as if I was scalding hot.
  117.  
  118. *THUMP*
  119.  
  120. I barrel through the pain, embracing it, trying to find focus through it. I'm sweating all over and I can barely feel the tingling in my hands and feet anymore. I gasp and fight, fists clenched tightly.
  121.  
  122. Images of Lilly and Hanako float past me and I feel them slipping away.
  123.  
  124. I lay flat against the gravel rooftop, taking short controlled breaths, focusing on my heartbeat. I time my frantic pulse, mentally ticking off a steady pattern while my staccato pulse races past. I refuse to panic, mentally willing myself to remain calm. The heart races, but I begin to catch up, slowing it down.
  125.  
  126. *THUMP*
  127. *Thump*
  128. *thump....*
  129.  
  130. I breathe in and out, finding some form of focus. I refuse to give up or allow myself to be taken by my own weakness.
  131.  
  132. I won't let my heart control my life or dictate when my life ends.
  133.  
  134. My heart slows, and I can feel an unpleasant heat in my fingers and toes, though it's a welcome sensation, reminding me of hot, salty blood coursing through veins the way it should.
  135.  
  136. I gasp for air and clamp my hand on my neck, timing my pulse till I feel comfortable with it's steady beat. I take several minutes to make sure I'm okay before I slowly sit up so as not to cause a rush of blood to my head. My muscles ache, my skull pounds and I rub my temples to try and massage the pain away, but I'm still alive.
  137.  
  138. Kenji sits nearby, his eyes wide behind his lenses. "Shit..." he swears.
  139.  
  140. I look over at him, hand clutched to my chest, feeling suddenly exhausted.
  141.  
  142. "Are you...all right?"
  143.  
  144. He nods. "Yeah, but forget about me, are you okay? I thought you were...."
  145.  
  146. "Not dead, Kenji. Not today."
  147.  
  148. The two of us lurch to our feet, helping the other up. We stagger over to the side of the roof and sit back down, heads back and looking up at the sky, breathing in and out while the adrenaline wears off.
  149.  
  150. We don't move for a long time, afraid to do so.
  151.  
  152. The party sounds continue, completely unaware of what took place up here. Thankfully we were on the opposite side of the building. I don't know how it would look if everyone saw two men dangling from the rooftop.
  153.  
  154. I promised I wouldn't embarrass Lilly tonight.
  155.  
  156. I reach into my pouch and pull out the flask, taking several huge gulps until I can't stand the burn anymore, pulling the flask away with a sigh of pain. I hand it to Kenji and he finishes it off, setting the silver flask on the ground between us.
  157.  
  158. Again, we are very still.
  159.  
  160. Kenji is the first one to speak.
  161.  
  162. "We have to stop acting like idiots up here...."
  163.  
  164. I chuckle a little and nod. "This is the second time I've almost died on this roof. Maybe I should get that lock fixed. This place seems to have it out for me."
  165.  
  166. Kenji nods. "Some structures with a long history where spiritual torment has taken place can take on aspects such as personalities and desires, some of them murderous. Especially a structure with as long and as dark of a history as Yamaku."
  167.  
  168. We're silent after that.
  169.  
  170. "Dude, are you okay?" he asks me again, tilting his head to look in my direction.
  171.  
  172. "Kenji, I'm fine, what about you?"
  173.  
  174. "I'm not the one who just had a heart attack."
  175.  
  176. "Wasn't really a heart attack. Just an episode."
  177.  
  178. "That was a fucking scary episode."
  179.  
  180. "Yeah, it was, but you were the one who almost fell off a rooftop."
  181.  
  182. "I'm fine," he says plaintively. He turns away from me.
  183.  
  184. I sigh, looking up at the stars. "Kenji, listen, I shouldn't be forcing you to do something you're not ready for. I'm sorry, but I know how much you miss her."
  185.  
  186. I turn to him. "Do you really love Hanako? Seriously? I don't want something like this to come between us, but I need the truth."
  187.  
  188. Kenji scratches the back of his head, looking away from me. "I don't know."
  189.  
  190. "What kind of answer is that? I know the two of you have spent time together, I know she considers you a friend, but is it something more on your end? Are you really in love with her?"
  191.  
  192. Something weird happens. My chest starts getting tight and it's a little hard to breathe. I'm afraid my heart is acting up again, but when it doesn't I realize it's something else.
  193.  
  194. I'm jealous.
  195.  
  196. I'm jealous that Kenji feels this way about Hanako.
  197.  
  198. "I don't know," Kenji says.
  199. "I just...I guess I just want something normal in my life. A girl like Hanako...I guess it's the closest thing to normal I could hope for. I think I want to love her, or at least the idea of being in love with her. I want something normal, that's all. I'm not sure. I want to feel something other than what I'm feeling for...her."
  200.  
  201. "For Yuuko," I answer.
  202.  
  203. He nods, a tiny gesture. "Yeah."
  204.  
  205. I guess I can understand him wanting something like that. "I'm sorry I pulled the rug out from under you with that bit of news about Hanako, Kenji."
  206.  
  207. "It's all right. It's your own business, you and Lilly. I won't do anything to ruin what you have. I'll keep my mouth shut about Hanako, about how I feel. I mean, hearing that you and her...and then running into Yuuko, it was too much. I needed to run away for a little while, be by myself."
  208.  
  209. He looks up at me. "How did this happen? I mean, how did you and Hanako...and Lilly? I don't get it."
  210.  
  211. I sigh. "Well, it's like this...."
  212.  
  213. I tell Kenji the whole story.
  214.  
  215. I tell him again about my confusion concerning my feelings towards Hanako. I tell him about the kiss between me and her and the weeks after that and how the two of us and Lilly were miserable.
  216.  
  217. He already knows that Lilly and I wanted a child, but what he doesn't know is that Lilly can't. I thought there was something wrong with me, but it was Lilly where the source of the difficulty lay. She panicked and lost it a bit after we learned the news and Hanako was there for us in more than one way.
  218.  
  219. I tell Kenji that Hanako is going to carry our child for us and that over the years our friendship had become something...more for the three of us.
  220.  
  221. He listens quietly until I finish talking. Then he's silent for a long time before speaking.
  222.  
  223. "Hisao, I'm sorry for the two of you."
  224.  
  225. "We're all right. We'll be all right," I assure him and myself.
  226.  
  227. He shrugs awkwardly. "I guess, I guess I'm happy for the three of you. Is that a weird thing to say? 'Congratulation, it's a threesome'?"
  228.  
  229. "It's not about sex, Kenji. I'd say the whole situation is pretty weird, to be honest. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it."
  230.  
  231. "How's Lilly taking it?"
  232.  
  233. I try not to, but I start to chuckle. "Well, Lilly has always taken to new things with a certain eagerness."
  234.  
  235. Kenji tries to as well, but can't hold his own laugh. "Lucky man."
  236.  
  237. "Stop that, that's my wife you're talking about," I smile.
  238.  
  239. The two of us laugh weakly together. Kenji grabs the flask and finds it empty, a disappointed grimace on his face.
  240.  
  241. I stretch out and grab one of the wine bottles, handing it to him and he uses his teeth to pry the cork out.
  242.  
  243. It's hard to think we were fighting just a few minutes ago.
  244. He takes a drink and passes it to me.
  245. I hesitate, then shrug. I take the wine and drink.
  246. I was right, Scotch and wine don't mix well at all.
  247.  
  248. The two of us sit there for a while, the sounds of the party going on, our tiny Picnic on the rooftop going unnoticed.
  249.  
  250. "Listen, man," I say.
  251. "I know I give you a hard time about all the stuff you're into. Aliens and conspiracies and feminists, I know I've never taken any of that stuff to heart and I know I blow you off a lot, but it doesn't mean I think you're a joke."
  252.  
  253. "You don't believe any of that stuff, Hisao."
  254.  
  255. "I know I don't, but you do. That makes it important."
  256.  
  257. Kenji smiles and nods at me. "Thanks for listening to me, even when I stop making sense."
  258.  
  259. "Not a problem, Kenji. I'll be happy to pull you back to Earth any time you need it."
  260.  
  261. "And thanks for trying to get me to do the right thing."
  262.  
  263. I nod. "So are you going to talk to Yuuko?"
  264.  
  265. He winces at the sound of her name. He shrugs and mulls over it a bit. "Hisao, I know it's the right thing to do, but I just can't."
  266.  
  267. I groan in frustration. "Kenji, come on! You've spent the last ten years telling me about how you regret leaving her. You've told me all the reasons; that she was older than you, that she worked at Yamaku and you were a student, that she sucked the soul out of you, that she was the feminist ringleader! None of that matters anymore! I talked to her and you know the only thing she wanted to know? She wanted to know how you were doing, she wanted to see you! Ten years later and she came here for you! Now you have the chance to go back and fix all of those mistakes you've spent the last decade regretting!"
  268.  
  269. I turn towards him and give him a shove, encouraging, mocking in a gentle way.
  270.  
  271. "Fathead! You say your jealous of me? Okay, that's fine, I can live with that, but at least take your own chance to have what I've got! I had to run myself almost to death to keep Lilly and her Father tried to take her away from me, but I fought for her and I kept her. Now it's your chance! You don't have to run or deal with some tyrannical old man, all you have to do is walk down those stairs and talk to the woman you love. I'm not saying it'll be perfect or the two of you will pick up where you left off. Maybe nothing will happen, but at least you'll know and can finally stop regretting all those choices you made! I'll be there with you if you need me to, but just, please! Do something!"
  272.  
  273. Kenji stares ahead, listening to me talk. He holds his scarf in his hands, running it through his fingers slowly.
  274.  
  275. When I'm done speaking, he shakes his head back and forth mournfully and takes his glasses off, dropping the scarf on the ground.
  276.  
  277. "I can't, Hisao, I just can't. I'm sorry."
  278. He turns away from me and refuses to look up.
  279. "I'm not like you, Hisao. I'm just not. I can't face her."
  280.  
  281. I want to argue, I want to beat him up all over again, but I realize it would all be pointless.
  282.  
  283. After all this, after we almost killed each other, he still refuses to admit how much he wants to see Yuuko again. It makes me angry that he's so obstinate, so secure in his little, pathetic world of self pity.
  284.  
  285. "You'll never change, Kenji!" I say bitterly.
  286.  
  287. I grab the flask and climb to my feet, wincing as I do, holding my side and I begin walking away.
  288.  
  289. I turn back to Kenji before leaving.
  290.  
  291. "Don't ever say I didn't try to help you. If you can't even talk to the woman you love, well then, I guess you're just a coward! And I'm ashamed to call you my friend!"
  292.  
  293. I turn my back on him, leaving Kenji in the gravel and dust, limping my way off the roof.
  294.  
  295. ----------------------------------------
  296.  
  297. I stagger down from the roof and make a slow, deliberate line towards my office. Passing through the hall, I flip off the ugly painting on the third floor, unlock my door and rummage through my desk, grabbing a small bottle I keep for emergencies.
  298.  
  299. Inside is one of every pill I have to take to keep breathing and I down them all without the aid of water.
  300. Some I swallow whole, others I chew slowly, grinding them unpleasantly into gravel between my teeth.
  301.  
  302. I slump into my chair and it creaks loudly as I lean back and hang my head over the neck rest, staring at the ceiling of my classroom. I should have burned a hole in the roof after all the times I've found myself doing this, mindlessly glaring at the same tile day after day. My heart is still pounding and I'm beginning to get chills from the sweat on my skin.
  303.  
  304. I'm pissed and angry and furious at Kenji and myself. Him for his stubbornness and myself for my idiocy.
  305.  
  306. I lied to Kenji, it wasn't just an episode. I could have killed myself up there!
  307. What would happen to Lilly? What would happen to Hanako? Damn it, I haven't had an attack that bad in years!
  308.  
  309. My eyes burn and I slump forward, head in my hands. I'm glad I'm alone because I don't like people seeing me cry. I shudder all over from the chill and fear, the adrenaline finally wearing off and the exhaustion hitting me full force, leaving me cold and empty.
  310.  
  311. The thought of losing Lilly, that's the worst thing I can imagine in the world! I could think of a hundred terrible things that could happen to me and I would gladly accept them so long as I still had Lilly. I don't have much faith, but it would take a cruel God to separate the two of us.
  312.  
  313. And now there's Hanako as well, I realize. It just goes to show how I feel about her now when I find myself petrified by the idea of losing her or causing her pain.
  314.  
  315. For so long I didn't know how I should express myself around her and now I can't imagine life without her.
  316.  
  317. You've got two wonderful women in your life, I tell myself, don't you dare lose a single day with them!
  318.  
  319. I shake my arms out and dry my eyes, trying to maintain any sign of composure I may have left. I could go for a drink, but the flask is empty at my side.
  320.  
  321. I walk over to the window, the party just barely visible from my classroom. I catch my reflection and am appalled by my appearance. My tuxedo is covered in dust and gravel particles, my hair disheveled more than usual, shirt torn, kilt out of kilter and I taste blood between my teeth. I try to arrange myself as best I can, but it certainly won't pass muster.
  322.  
  323. I abandon the classroom and use a nearby bathroom to run some water in my hair, splash my face and clean myself up a bit.
  324.  
  325. The mirror reflects the sorry wreck I am and I stare back at it.
  326.  
  327. Stupid Kenji.
  328.  
  329. For being my best friend, I don't think I could summon up more disgust for him than right this instant. Even after all that, he still won't accept the facts that stare him in the face.
  330.  
  331. Fuck him.
  332.  
  333. I leave the bathroom and exit the main building, turning away from the party and wandering the sidewalks and paths of Yamaku. I need time alone to cool down, it wouldn't do to show up at the party looking in the state I am and I promised I wouldn't embarrass Lilly.
  334.  
  335. The campus is silent tonight and most of the lamps have been dimmed, leaving slight pools of light illuminating the walkways. I go with no clear idea of where I want to end up, just seeking some quite and solitude for a moment. Yamaku can have a salutary effect sometimes and I seek it out to help me set my mind at ease.
  336.  
  337. I stop on the sidewalk near a lamppost and look around.
  338.  
  339. Just a few feet away, ten years ago, Lilly fell and let slip her composure, giving dense younger me my first clue something was wrong.
  340.  
  341. I follow the path towards the dorms.
  342.  
  343. Right here is where I first met Hiroyuki Satou, not that either of us knew who the other was at that moment.
  344.  
  345. I feel a twinge of hate build up in my gut and I quickly walk away from that place.
  346. His memory is the last thing I need right now.
  347.  
  348. In front of the dorms I stop and stare at a silent, solitary figure standing in front of a mural wall like a vigilant guard or sentinel.
  349.  
  350. I gasp when I see her up close. I approach her carefully, as if I'm afraid she'll bolt at the slightest disturbance.
  351.  
  352. "Rin?"
  353.  
  354. She doesn't turn or react to my presence, just shushes me with pursed lips.
  355.  
  356. "Fifteen minutes."
  357.  
  358. She goes back to staring blankly at the mural in front of her.
  359.  
  360. I'm a little surprised by her reaction, but I guess it's to be expected from her. Nothing I can really do but wait. When she gets like this, not even the end of the world would shake Rin Tezuka out of her thoughts.
  361.  
  362. I lean against the wall, out of the way of the mural so I don't hamper her view and carefully watch her gazing at the wall.
  363.  
  364. I was always concerned about Rin's thin, scrawny appearance in school. The times I saw her while she attended art university only made my concerns grow. She always looked unhealthy, too thin, her clothes hanging off of her bony frame, if they fit at all.
  365.  
  366. That combined with her dazed attitude and indecipherable speech pattern made me think of a drug addict on more than one occasion.
  367.  
  368. Now though, Rin looks drastically changed. She looks good, her face still indecipherable as ever but peaceful while lost in concentration. She has a pensive expression, her face scrunched in thought, shoulders at a slant, one knee slightly bent as if posed like a sculpture, a natural but accidental grace. Her hair, always short, is now a styled pixie cut, and while messy, it has a purposefully messy look to it, an attractive quality for her.
  369.  
  370. Gone is the scrawny, awkward girl I remember from art class. Rin looks whole, I guess is the word I could use. Complete would fit as well. I could even say she looks beautiful.
  371.  
  372. I'm not sure what she's doing here, but she isn't dressed for the occasion. She wears dark, off-green slacks and a matching t-shirt, a loose jacket over her shoulders that's tied in the customary knots halfway down each sleeve. If anyone could ignore the dress code for an event such as this, it would be Rin. Near her sandal clad feet is a large bag with a ridged hoop instead of a strap for carrying, a brush and other errant supplies jutting out.
  373.  
  374. I lean back, silent, waiting for Rin to finish whatever it is she's doing.
  375.  
  376. I take the time to clear my head and settle my thoughts, still shaken by the rooftop events.
  377.  
  378. I slump against the wall and lean back, sighing deeply, the cold cement rough against the back of my neck. I rub my head against the stone and it catches and pulls at my hair, tiny jabs of pain when I sit back up.
  379.  
  380. It feels good to take a minute to calm down and I feel the tension leaving me like ice melting in spring.
  381.  
  382. "Okay. I'm done."
  383.  
  384. I turn to her and she watches me with those haunting green eyes, still as murky as they ever were, but now stirred with a new form of strange life and activity.
  385.  
  386. "Sorry. It's impolite to interrupt."
  387.  
  388. "Interrupt what?" I say.
  389.  
  390. "Conversations."
  391.  
  392. "You were having a conversation?"
  393.  
  394. "Yes."
  395.  
  396. "With who?"
  397.  
  398. "What."
  399.  
  400. "Who?"
  401.  
  402. "No, what. I was having a conversation with a what."
  403.  
  404. "With the mural?"
  405.  
  406. "Yes. No. Maybe, a little."
  407.  
  408. "What did it say?"
  409.  
  410. "Nothing, murals don't talk. That would be strange. I was talking to me. The 'me' I used to be. The 'me' I was once. Not that I was talking to myself, that would be a cause for concern, wouldn't it?"
  411.  
  412. She turns away from me and looks towards the forest on the outskirts of campus.
  413.  
  414. "I wonder if they're the same? Do people change faster than fields?"
  415.  
  416. I'm not sure what she's talking about. "Rin?"
  417.  
  418. She shakes here head, hair flopping around her shoulders. "Never mind. Not important."
  419.  
  420. She looks me up and down. "You look pretty rough."
  421.  
  422. "I feel pretty rough right now, Rin."
  423.  
  424. A little smile. "Did someone beat you up because you're wearing a skirt?"
  425.  
  426. "It's not a skirt, Rin. It's a kilt."
  427.  
  428. She shakes her head. "It's a bad habit to make up words."
  429.  
  430. "It's not a made up word, that's what it actually is."
  431.  
  432. "A kilt is a skirt for men?"
  433.  
  434. "...yes, Rin, a kilt is a skirt for men."
  435.  
  436. She shrugs. "At least one of us is wearing a skirt for the party."
  437.  
  438. She looks back at the mural, then back at me and stares silently.
  439.  
  440. I guess it's up to me to continue the conversation. "What did you say?"
  441.  
  442. "I asked you if a kilt is a skirt for men."
  443.  
  444. "No, I mean the you you used to be. What did she, mural Rin, say."
  445.  
  446. "Not much. It's hard to understand her."
  447.  
  448. "You were always a little hard to understand, Rin."
  449.  
  450. She nods. "She had a real hard time talking to people."
  451. She looks downcast.
  452. "It makes me kind of sad when I think about it too much, like something bad happened to someone I like and I feel sorry for them, but then I realize the bad thing happened to me and then I feel sorry for myself and that makes me feel even worse since I'm feeling sorry for myself because that's exactly what's happening."
  453.  
  454. I follow as best as I can. Rin has gotten easier to understand since school, but it's still a trial to follow along with her train of thought. "I think I know what that's like. I get a little sad sometimes when I think about who I used to be. It's called nostalgia. It makes me feel better, though, to know who I am now."
  455.  
  456. Rin absorbs my words, then nods deeply as if I said something very wise. "I like who I am now. It took me a long time to be this me, I'd rather not try another one. I may not be able to get this me back if I don't like the new me."
  457.  
  458. I smile. "Well, this you looks pretty good, Rin. Happy, healthy, I'm glad to see you doing well."
  459.  
  460. She smiles, that little smirk playing on her face, barely noticeable but still warm. "I do feel happy, like I'm done. I think that's why I was always confused. Remember what I told you about unfinished projects?"
  461.  
  462. I nod. "Yeah, that it's bad luck to talk about them before they're finished."
  463.  
  464. Rin nods. "Exactly."
  465.  
  466. She turns back to the mural. "I do miss her sometimes."
  467.  
  468. "Well, she'll always be here if you want to visit. You wouldn't believe how many people come to the school just to look at this mural."
  469.  
  470. "I wouldn't? Is it an outrageous number?"
  471.  
  472. "Well, not really. There is a lot of them, though. Only students and faculty are allowed on campus without permission, so they have to ask the Yamaku Foundation for a pass. They rarely get it. Actually, a lot of them pay the students to get pictures of it for them. The Foundation wants to put a stop to that, but they really can't control the kids. Besides, it gives the students some money to have fun with, so I look the other way."
  473.  
  474. "Are they that interested in it?"
  475.  
  476. "Well, of course. It's the only mural you ever painted. Not to mention it's one of the few pieces of your juvenilia that's still around."
  477.  
  478. A confused expression passes over her face. "Wha?"
  479.  
  480. "Sorry, it means work you made when you were young."
  481.  
  482. "Oh, I see. That makes sense, I guess."
  483.  
  484. She turns her head to look at the mural from another angle. "Where would it go? It's a wall, it can't move. If it could walk away, it wouldn't be a wall, it would be a...what's the word for a wall that can move? Is it a wallk? Is that what a door is? I don't think that's right...."
  485.  
  486. "Actually, there was some talk a couple years ago. Some museum wanted it. You didn't hear about that?"
  487.  
  488. "No. Maybe I did and I forgot. I don't think about Yamaku very often. I remember very little about when I was here."
  489.  
  490. "You seem to remember me fine."
  491.  
  492. "The important stuff is easier."
  493.  
  494. I smile. That was a compliment, I think.
  495.  
  496. "What about...?" I trail off.
  497.  
  498. Rin looks at me curiously. "What is it?"
  499.  
  500. I shrug. "What about Mr. Nomiya? How is he doing?"
  501.  
  502. Rin stares for a moment, then looks down, her voice tiny. "He's okay, most of the time. The doctors tell me he has good and bad days. He can't get out of bed and spends all his time looking out the windows. He started painting again. When I visit him, sometimes he doesn't remember where he is, so he thinks I'm still a student. I show him some stuff I painted and he likes that. Sai tries to visit, but the chemo takes a lot out of her."
  503.  
  504. I grimace. "I'm sorry, Rin. I didn't know it was that bad. Last I heard he was doing better."
  505.  
  506. Rin shrugs and turns away from me, her eyes going distant, that detached look I recognize from when we were young.
  507.  
  508. "How is your gallery doing?" I ask, changing the subject.
  509.  
  510. She shrugs noncommittally. "Okay, I guess. It's not really mine. It's just filled with stuff I make. My boyfriend takes care of the business stuff. I just paint."
  511.  
  512. "Are the two of you doing well? Selling a lot?"
  513.  
  514. She looks at me, a little confused. "If I wasn't selling any paintings, but we were okay, would it be the same? Or if we weren't doing well, but selling a lot, would that be better?"
  515.  
  516. "I guess I always believed that success and happiness go hand in hand."
  517.  
  518. I realize my blunder and roll my eyes, cringing slightly.
  519.  
  520. Rin smiles, her limbs wagging back and forth. "It's nice having this heart to heart talk with you, Hisao."
  521.  
  522. I cock an eyebrow. "Did you just make a joke?"
  523.  
  524. She nods, deadpan expression back on her face. "Was it funny? I had that one ready for you for a while. I told it to some people to make sure it was funny. I made it up by myself."
  525.  
  526. "It was pretty funny."
  527.  
  528. "Then why aren't you laughing?"
  529.  
  530. "Would it make you feel better if I did?"
  531.  
  532. "Maybe. Are you laughing at me or at 'me'?"
  533.  
  534. I pause. "At me."
  535.  
  536. She nods. "Then it would make me feel better."
  537.  
  538. I chuckle and she smiles.
  539.  
  540. "Anyway, how are you doing in Tokyo? I may not understand art very well, but I follow your work. From what I hear, you're very successful."
  541.  
  542. "Maybe to some people. Not to others. I paint a lot, that's good. I actually started to like painting, so that's good. My boyfriend sells a lot of them, so that's good again. But the gallery itself is troublesome."
  543.  
  544. "What do you mean?"
  545.  
  546. "I like the backroom where I paint. The front is a lot of uncomfortable chairs for people to sit around and talk about art and buy it. That stuff I don't get. I'd rather paint than tell someone about it. I let other people take care of that for me, that way I can just paint and I don't have to answer questions. I still don't like too many questions."
  547.  
  548. "People like your work, Rin, I know that it's grown on me."
  549.  
  550. She looks alarmed. "How does it grow on you?"
  551.  
  552. "It's just a turn of phrase, Rin."
  553.  
  554. "How do you turn a phrase?"
  555.  
  556. "It's like spinning a yarn."
  557.  
  558. "Like knitting?"
  559.  
  560. "I mean, it's like a thing people say when they want to say something without saying it, so they say something else."
  561.  
  562. She stares at me for a few moments before nodding in understanding. "I do that all the time."
  563.  
  564. I once again steer the conversation back on track. "So, like I was saying, people like your paintings, Rin. They just want to know more about them and you."
  565.  
  566. "I don't see why they would want to do that. If they want to know more about me, just look at the paintings. It's a lot simpler. A lot of my paintings aren't very good, but they still get sold. Then I make a few I really like and no one buys them. I wonder why?"
  567.  
  568. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," I quote.
  569.  
  570. Again, that confused look, then her eyes flicker and she nods. "You're knitting again."
  571. She shrugs. "That's okay, I like keeping the ones I like."
  572.  
  573. She turns to me. "How is the one I painted for you?"
  574.  
  575. "Still hanging in my classroom. I've had a lot of people bothering me over that little frame you gave me. A lot of people want it."
  576.  
  577. "Are you going to sell it?"
  578.  
  579. I'm not sure if she's upset when she asks me that. I had never considered it until very recently.
  580.  
  581. "Well, no, I never planned on doing that, but you see, Rin, I may have to. Does that bother you?"
  582.  
  583. She shrugs. "It's yours now. You can do what you want with it."
  584.  
  585. "Maybe so, but I wouldn't sell without your permission. I'm embarrassed to say this, but Lilly and I may need some money soon."
  586.  
  587. She looks at me curiously. "Are you okay?"
  588.  
  589. "Yeah, we're doing fine. It's for something important, though."
  590.  
  591. She blinks, slow and languidly. "If you need money, Hisao, I can give you some. My boyfriend says I have a lot."
  592.  
  593. "Rin, no, no, I couldn't ask you that. I can't borrow money from a friend."
  594.  
  595. "We are friends, aren't we? But it's not borrowing. You can have it."
  596.  
  597. "You don't even know how much we would need."
  598.  
  599. "I have a lot and I don't do anything with it," she says confidently.
  600.  
  601. I'm uneasy with the conversation. "No, I couldn't accept, Rin. Thank you, but I can't."
  602.  
  603. "I'll buy it from you."
  604.  
  605. "You'd buy your own painting."
  606.  
  607. "Does it matter if I made it? I like that painting. If someone else made it, I'd buy it."
  608.  
  609. "I...I guess you could, if you really wanted to."
  610.  
  611. "That would work, that way I can just paint you another one."
  612.  
  613. "The same painting?"
  614.  
  615. "Yes."
  616.  
  617. "Why would you do that?"
  618.  
  619. "I like knowing you have one of my paintings, Hisao. And you like that one a lot. I painted it for you and Lilly."
  620.  
  621. "But why paint the same thing?"
  622.  
  623. "Hmm, you're right. That would be silly. I'll just give it back as a present."
  624.  
  625. "Wait, you're going to buy a painting you painted for me from me and then give it to me as a present?"
  626.  
  627. "Yes."
  628.  
  629. "...that doesn't make any sense."
  630.  
  631. "Should I wait for your birthday?"
  632.  
  633. I'm thoroughly confused now and shake my head. "Never mind, maybe we'll talk about this later."
  634.  
  635. "What do you need the money for?"
  636.  
  637. I clamp my mouth shut. "How much time do you have?"
  638.  
  639. Rin shrugs. "Plenty. Do me a favor? I have some cigarettes in my pocket." She turns and pushes her hip awkwardly towards me.
  640.  
  641. "You know you shouldn't smoke, it's bad for you."
  642.  
  643. "I know."
  644.  
  645. I step up to Rin and reach into her pocket, feeling nothing.
  646.  
  647. "Wrong pocket," she says.
  648.  
  649. "Oh. So I'm just touching your butt, then."
  650.  
  651. "That's okay. I'm used to it."
  652.  
  653. I check her other pocket and pull out a fine silver case. Inside, I take out a cheap cigarette, looking out of place in such a nice holder and I place it in Rin's mouth.
  654.  
  655. "Got a lighter?" I ask.
  656.  
  657. She uses the tiny stick to point towards her bag. I rummage a bit and find one, expensive looking as well, most likely a gift. I see on the side in engraving that it was indeed a gift from Sai. I shake my head sadly, then set the cigarette on fire for her.
  658.  
  659. Rin moves her lips about, lightly pulling at the cigarette with half her mouth, holding it firmly in place with the other half in a feat of impressive mouth dexterity, her tongue most likely doing some work as well.
  660.  
  661. "Neat trick," I comment.
  662.  
  663. "Thanks. My boyfriend also likes when I do that," she says, slightly muffled.
  664.  
  665. "I didn't need to know that," I add with a grimace.
  666.  
  667. The two of us sit down against the mural, our backs flat to the cold cement and long dried paint. Rin drags at the burning paper in her mouth and the curls of smoke rise up above us and disappear into the night sky.
  668.  
  669. "Hey, Rin," I ask curiously, "how did you get the cigarettes into your pocket anyway?"
  670.  
  671. "It took me a while. I hid them there. Emi stole my others."
  672.  
  673. "You've been with Emi?"
  674.  
  675. "Yes. She made me stay with her a couple days. I got away from her when we arrived at the party. She was being very clingy."
  676.  
  677. "I take it she's been helping you out?"
  678.  
  679. "Yes. I didn't really want to stay with her. She made me. My boyfriend wanted to send an assistant with me from the gallery. I didn't want one. I guess I'm stuck with her."
  680.  
  681. "At least you two have been able to catch up, right?"
  682.  
  683. Rin nods and smiles a little. "Yes. It has been nice being with Emi again. I didn't before, but now that we're in the same place, I missed her."
  684.  
  685. "Is this boyfriend of yours here? I'd like to finally meet him."
  686.  
  687. "No. He's watching the gallery. Not that it's going anywhere. Our walls aren't wallks, no museums want them. Actually, they do, but they can't take them."
  688.  
  689. We watch the stars and the errant black clouds above us in silence.
  690.  
  691. "So, anyway...."
  692.  
  693. "Huh?" Rin says.
  694.  
  695. "You wanted to know what Lilly and I were going to need money for?"
  696.  
  697. "Oh, right."
  698.  
  699. "Well, Lilly and I want a child."
  700.  
  701. "Kids are expensive?"
  702.  
  703. "The one we want will be. You see, Lilly and I have been having trouble having one."
  704.  
  705. "It isn't your pants, is it?"
  706.  
  707. "No," I say, somewhat disturbed, "it's not me."
  708.  
  709. "Is it Lilly's pants? Her kilt, I mean. Can girls wear kilts or does that make it a skirt?"
  710.  
  711. I groan and pull at my collar. "Not exactly. Lilly...she's sick, okay? We can have a child, but it wouldn't be safe."
  712.  
  713. Rin doesn't say anything for a moment, just looking up into the sky, the embers near her mouth glowing mournfully.
  714.  
  715. "...oh," she says.
  716.  
  717. "So, yeah, we're going to have to go another route."
  718.  
  719. "Adopting?"
  720.  
  721. "Well, no. We found another way."
  722.  
  723. I pull at my tie again and fiddle with it for a bit before answering. "Hanako is going to have our child for us."
  724.  
  725. Rin cocks her head to the side. "Can she do that?"
  726.  
  727. "Yes, but it's expensive."
  728.  
  729. "Is she renting herself out to you?"
  730.  
  731. I wince and stammer a bit. "No, it's a medical procedure. That's why we'll need money."
  732.  
  733. She looks over at me. Her eyes focus on me, flickering with the light from the burning tobacco. "Is there something else bothering you? You aren't as...talky as you usually are. Like your saying stuff, but not all of it is coming out."
  734.  
  735. I hesitate. "Yeah, there is," I say with a deep breath. "Hanako and I are sleeping together."
  736.  
  737. Rin's goes very still, the only thing moving her eyes, the deep sea-green unfocussed and staring at me blankly, the cigarette drooping between her lips.
  738.  
  739. "Okay," she says.
  740.  
  741. "So is Lilly."
  742.  
  743. The eyes grow wider, if that's possible and Rin is left perfectly still.
  744.  
  745. "Okay," she says again.
  746.  
  747. "Aren't you shocked?"
  748.  
  749. Rin shrugs. "I think I am. A little bit. I thought you and Lilly and Hanako were friends?
  750.  
  751. "We are friends."
  752.  
  753. "That's not what friends do."
  754.  
  755. I groan and hold my head in my hands. "I know. I don't know why I just told you that. I'm sorry. I had a fight with Kenji about it and he knows now."
  756.  
  757. "Who?"
  758.  
  759. "A friend."
  760.  
  761. Rin looks at me oddly. "Are you sleeping with him?"
  762.  
  763. I cringe "Oh, God, no! You are the second person to say that tonight! Don't even joke about that!"
  764.  
  765. "Okay. So what's wrong with him?"
  766.  
  767. I groan. For a moment I consider asking Rin for a pull of her cigarette, but I tell myself that it won't make me feel any better to kill myself a little inside.
  768.  
  769. Confession, though, is good for the soul.
  770.  
  771. "He was pretty pissed when he found out, but there was a lot of other stuff that was bothering him. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't talk about this, but the more people I tell, the worse it gets."
  772. "I'm worried. I'm worried for Lilly and myself and Hanako. I don't know where this is supposed to go, what we're supposed to do. There's this...big hole in our lives and I'm afraid Hanako is an excuse for us to ignore it and I don't want to use her like that. I love her and so does Lilly and I don't know where the three of us are supposed to go from here. There's too much...stuff floating around. I wish this was simpler than it is, but it's not."
  773.  
  774. I finish my rambling lamentation and hang my head.
  775.  
  776. Rin is quite for a very long time. "What do you want me to say?"
  777.  
  778. "I don't know," I shrug. "I guess I don't expect you to say anything."
  779.  
  780. Rin nods. "Okay. I'm better at listening anyway."
  781.  
  782. We're both silent for a few minutes. The only sound is me coughing once when the light wind blows Rin's smoke into my face.
  783.  
  784. Rin turns back towards me. "Butterflies," she states.
  785.  
  786. "Huh?"
  787.  
  788. "Butterflies. Like a bunch of butterflies floating around in your head and you can't catch them all. Flapping their wings and messing your thoughts up and making everything float around you. It's like that, isn't it?"
  789.  
  790. "Yeah, I guess that's what it's like."
  791.  
  792. Rin smokes for a while, wisps of clouds and ash rising up from around her.
  793. "I know what that's like. What you need is a butterfly net and a bunch of jars to keep the butterflies in. You catch a couple of them and put them in a jar and set them on the shelf for later. Then you catch a few more and put them in their own jar. "
  794. "Then instead of a bunch of butterflies floating around in your head, you have a bunch of butterflies in jars on neat shelves in your head. That works for me."
  795.  
  796. She smiles broadly, the biggest smile I've ever seen her show and she nearly loses the cigarette before clamping her lips back down around it.
  797. "I like butterflies."
  798.  
  799. "I don't think I have any jars for that, Rin."
  800.  
  801. "You already do. You told me. I can be a jar."
  802.  
  803. "So you're saying 'jar' but you're really talking about people?"
  804.  
  805. "Yes, I'm knitting."
  806.  
  807. "So if I tell people about my problems, it'll make it easier?"
  808.  
  809. "It was really hard at first, but that's what I do. Not because I don't have problems. I have a lot of those. And not because I didn't want to tell people. I did, but I didn't know how and whenever I did, people got angry at me for some reason. My boyfriend is an excellent jar for me. Sometimes I don't even have to say anything, he just knows that something is wrong. I've learned a lot from him."
  810.  
  811. "He sounds like a pretty nice guy, Rin."
  812.  
  813. "He is. One time I was really upset and he took me to a field filled with butterflies and he tied a net to my arm and we caught a bunch of them and then we let them all go at once and he told me that they were all the frustration flying away. He does things like that all the time. I say something and he knows what I'm saying before I do. It's very mysterious."
  814.  
  815. "That's good for you, Rin, but this isn't something I can just tell people."
  816.  
  817. "Then why did you tell me?"
  818.  
  819. I blink a couple times. "Because...I trust you. I know if I tell you something you'd never tell anyone else. Even if you did, I doubt they would take it seriously or understand what you meant."
  820.  
  821. Rin nods once, taking one last drag from her cigarette before blowing it out of her lips and onto the sidewalk.
  822.  
  823. I pick the butt up and grind it into the dirt before tossing it into a nearby trash can; I like to keep my campus neat and clean.
  824.  
  825. "Can I talk about something else?"
  826.  
  827. She nods.
  828.  
  829. "I said Kenji and I had a fight, but it wasn't really about Hanako. Yuuko is here."
  830.  
  831. "Who?"
  832.  
  833. "Sorry, you probably wouldn't know about her. Yuuko used to work at Yamaku, she was the librarian."
  834.  
  835. Rin squints a bit before shaking her head. "I don't think I remember her. I'm not good at remembering things and I didn't really do anything with the library. Turning pages always seemed more work than it was worth."
  836.  
  837. "Well, that doesn't matter, really. Kenji likes her but they broke up a long time ago. Now she's here and Kenji has always wanted to see her again and he's hiding from her. I tried to get him to go talk to Yuuko and we ended up fighting."
  838.  
  839. "So that's why you look like that?"
  840.  
  841. "Yeah."
  842.  
  843. "Can I get another cigarette?"
  844.  
  845. I glare slightly at her. "Those things are bad for you."
  846.  
  847. "I know."
  848.  
  849. I sigh and prepare another little stick of death for Rin, feeling like an enabler as I do.
  850.  
  851. She smokes for a couple seconds before speaking. "Are you angry with him because he's afraid?"
  852.  
  853. "I'm not sure. I know how much he's thought about it and I hate to see him waste his one chance."
  854.  
  855. Rin looks deep in thought, almost as if the smoke coming out from between her lips was instead pouring out from her ears. "What about...no, that's not it. Words are hard. Are you angry because...he's not doing what you did?"
  856.  
  857. "What do you mean?"
  858.  
  859. She scrunches her forehead, trying to grasp her own words. "You did what he's afraid to do. You went after Lilly and you ended up being happy. So you want him to go after Yuuko so he'll be happy. You're his friend, so you want him to be happy like you are."
  860.  
  861. "Yeah, I guess that could be why."
  862.  
  863. "Some people can't do that, Hisao. They may like how things are. Change is scary."
  864.  
  865. She looks at me and her eyes flicker. "Maybe that's why you're scared about Lilly and Hanako."
  866.  
  867. I blink several times, working it through my head.
  868.  
  869. "Change is scary," Rin continues.
  870. "But it doesn't have to be bad. It took a long time for me to understand that, but I figured it out. Now you have to."
  871.  
  872. I hate to admit it, but Rin is right. This change is a major step in the life Lilly and Hanako share with me. I know it won't be easy or simple. It can't be labelled with words or analyzed.
  873. I like to analyze things, it makes them simpler. When I tried to analyze Lilly and myself, I nearly lost her because I wasn't honest with what I found. I took things as they came and became a passive viewer in a relationship I let Lilly take the lead in. Doing that, I nearly lost everything.
  874.  
  875. Now with Hanako, I realize I need to take the steps to ensure I can keep her, to make this work between the three of us, no matter how confused or afraid I might be.
  876.  
  877. I rub my finger, feeling the sensitive skin where my ring should be and I think about Hanako and her smile, the way she looked at me when I gave my wedding band to her or held her arm as we walked around the party or the way she holds Lilly's hand when no one else is around and the way they sneak a kiss when alone.
  878.  
  879. "You're right, Rin. I can't force Kenji to do the same thing I did. He's not me and he needs to find his own way through this. Same goes for what's happening right now between Lilly, Hanako and myself. It is change and I'm afraid of that. But I shouldn't be, because it's a good change."
  880.  
  881. I turn towards her and chuckle. "Since when did you become such a good talker?"
  882.  
  883. She shakes her head, hair flopping about. "I'm not a good talker. I'm a good listener."
  884.  
  885. Rin scoots over towards me and puts one of her limbs over my arm, resting her head on my shoulder, patting me with her foreshortened limbs.
  886.  
  887. It's an awkward, difficult movement, but endearing at the same time, like the first steps of a newborn animal.
  888.  
  889. Rin hugs me and I put my arm around her, lightly patting her on the shoulder and hugging her back.
  890.  
  891. "Thanks, Rin. You're a good friend."
  892.  
  893. She smiles back at me. "I am a good friend, aren't I?"
  894.  
  895. ----------------------------------------
  896.  
  897. Rin and I stay at the mural for some time, looking up at the stars while I name them and their constellations aloud from memory. She smokes and listens to me, asking me who chose their names and how did they know what their parents called them without asking.
  898.  
  899. "I don't like stars," she says.
  900.  
  901. "How come?"
  902.  
  903. "They're cold and sharp and they look like the sky is full of tiny little holes. I like clouds a lot more. They're soft and slow and they're not pushy like stars are."
  904.  
  905. "I think that's why I like them so much. They're obvious. Someone can look at a plant or a tree or everything on Earth and wonder about why it's a big deal. But when you look at the stars...how can you not just be in awe of them?"
  906.  
  907. Soon enough, our tiny moment of peaceful isolation is breached by the familiar sound of clicking on the pavement from around the corner.
  908.  
  909. Rin turns and hurls her last cigarette out of sight with a blast of air through her lips and a sputtering sound. It makes me laugh, but I stifle it as soon as Emi comes running up towards us on the path, the source of the staccato noise.
  910.  
  911. She stops and readjusts her small bust line, nearly spilling out of the tiny, black dress she's wearing. "I'll never get used to these things!" she complains.
  912.  
  913. God bless you, Emi.
  914.  
  915. She spies Rin and growls splendidly, her tiny frame filled with all the frustration she can manage. "There you are! What the hell, are you avoiding me?"
  916.  
  917. She sees me sitting against the wall next to Rin. "Hisao? I should have known you two delinquents would be hanging out here together. I should have checked the mural first, Rin is always at the last place I look!"
  918.  
  919. Rin peers at her with a blank face, though I'm not sure if her neutral expression is one of her normal blank looks or an attempt to hide any signs of wrongdoing on her part.
  920.  
  921. "Hello," she says.
  922.  
  923. I mimic Rin's blank face. "Hello," I say in monotone.
  924.  
  925. "Very funny, Hisao," Emi pouts.
  926.  
  927. She takes three steps towards us and stops, sniffing the air before glaring at the pair of us. "Is that...smoke? Dammit, Rin, where did you hide them this time?"
  928.  
  929. "In my pants," she says.
  930.  
  931. "Hisao, did you light them for her? How could you?!"
  932.  
  933. "Honest, Mom!" I plead. "We weren't smoking or nothing! Smoking is for losers!"
  934.  
  935. "I can smell it all over the two of you!"
  936.  
  937. I turn towards Rin and nudge her with my elbow. "The jig is up, Rin, she's got us."
  938.  
  939. Rin shrugs. "These things are inevitable."
  940.  
  941. "You'd better not be smoking, Hisao!"
  942.  
  943. Emi stands over me, hands on her hips and leaning down to face me sitting on the ground. It gives me a wonderful look down her dress, though I maintain eye contact with her.
  944.  
  945. "No, only smoking of the second hand variety, Emi, I swear. Rin is the addicted one."
  946.  
  947. "Good! I mean, not good, but you know what I mean! I haven't put this much work into you to have you throw it all away with a couple of puffs!"
  948.  
  949. "I doubt a single cigarette would kill me, Emi."
  950.  
  951. "I'm not willing to take that chance and neither should you!"
  952.  
  953. She turns towards Rin. "You should know better, Rin! You're a bad influence!"
  954.  
  955. Rin shrugs.
  956.  
  957. "You seem to be in a foul mood tonight," I say. "Did you eat too much at the desert table?"
  958.  
  959. She gasps. "How did you know that?"
  960.  
  961. "A man has his methods."
  962.  
  963. "Some man, at least I'm not wearing a skirt!"
  964.  
  965. Rin perks up slightly. "It's not a skirt, it's a kilt."
  966.  
  967. "Thank you, Rin," I say. "Emi is just jealous because I have the legs to pull it off."
  968.  
  969. Emi gasps in shock and then swiftly kicks me in the shin, her sharp foot eliciting a cry of annoyance from me.
  970.  
  971. "Ow! Damn it, Emi!"
  972. I wince in pain and check my leg for injury.
  973.  
  974. "You deserve it! If I knew you were going to be an asshole, I never would have come looking for the two of you!"
  975.  
  976. "Okay, okay," I plead. "Truce, truce! No kicking!"
  977.  
  978. I use the wall and get to my feet before she can kick me again and I grimace when a few of my bruises get rubbed the wrong way as I do. Emi barely reaches my neck and she glares up at me with immense strength.
  979.  
  980. "It's a party," I say. "Aren't you supposed to be, you know, enjoying it?"
  981.  
  982. Emi crosses her arms over her chest. "Not when I have to spend the entire time looking for you and Rin! The Boss has been searching for the two of you and she made me her little errand runner!"
  983.  
  984. I wince and turn to help Rin stand, but she's already on her feet. "Sorry about that," I say, turning back to the Legless Wonder. "What does Queen Hakamichi want?"
  985.  
  986. "You know very well what she wants! It's almost time for that speech she's been bugging you about or whatever."
  987.  
  988. I cringe.
  989. Despite the moment of relaxation with Rin, I'm still in a foul humor after what happened on the roof and I'm in no mood to deal with Shizune.
  990.  
  991. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Is it that late already? Whatever, she'll get exactly what she deserves. But what does she need from Rin?"
  992.  
  993. Rin turns her head slowly away from the stars and gazes at me. "I didn't want to come to the reunion. Shizune said it would be good for the school for me to be here."
  994.  
  995. Emi turns to Rin and smiles, a bit of pride puffing her chest. "You are one of the school's celebrities, Rin!"
  996.  
  997. Rin quirks an eyebrow. "Am I? Shizune said that a bunch of people would donate to the school if I showed up and talked to them. My boyfriend said it would be good for me, so here I am, I guess."
  998.  
  999. "Wait," I say, "a bunch of people are paying actual money to talk to you? To you? Like, talking and paying for it?"
  1000.  
  1001. Rin shrugs. "I don't think they'll be getting their moneys worth. I'm a little worried."
  1002.  
  1003. Emi giggles. "Just stand there and look impressive, Rin, you can do that!"
  1004.  
  1005. "What should I say to them?"
  1006.  
  1007. "Nothing! Or just talk like you always do, they'll act impressed and pretend they know exactly what you mean, otherwise they'll look stupid in front of their friends! It doesn't matter what they paid for, they probably don't even know the first thing about art!"
  1008.  
  1009. Rin's eyebrows lift slightly. "Neither do you."
  1010.  
  1011. "I'm not the one paying to have the pleasure of your company!"
  1012.  
  1013. "Why would you?"
  1014.  
  1015. Emi laughs and picks Rin's large bag up, hefting it despite it's weight. Rin leans down and loops her shoulder through the bag's hoop, and it rests comfortably against her hip.
  1016.  
  1017. "Because I like having you around, Rin! The last few days have been great!"
  1018.  
  1019. "It's great to help me do everything, sleep in your bed and eat your food?"
  1020.  
  1021. "Yep! It's fun! Just like when we were going to school!"
  1022.  
  1023. Rin shrugs. "I don't see how that could be fun."
  1024.  
  1025. Emi giggles and seems to be in a much better mood as the three of us begin walking back towards the party.
  1026.  
  1027. "So, Hisao, how have you been doing?" she asks as we take one of Yamaku's paths.
  1028.  
  1029. I smile. "Personally, or are you talking about jogging?"
  1030.  
  1031. She laughs. "Both, silly! With school out, I haven't been able to keep my eye on you! You'd better not be slacking!"
  1032.  
  1033. "Of course not! I've been jogging for ten years now, why do you always assume I'm trying to get out of it?"
  1034.  
  1035. "Well, you did try to ditch me a lot when we first started. I guess it just left a bad impression," she says with a cute pout.
  1036.  
  1037. "It wasn't anything personal, I just had a lot on my shoulders during school."
  1038.  
  1039. "Yeah," she says with a wicked grin. "Like your girlfriend! I'm sure Lilly gave you more than enough exercise while you left little old me all by myself! You know, if you had hung out with me more often and exercised like you were supposed to, you probably would have caught up to her at the airport without having a heart attack! Take it from a girl, that would have been a lot more impressive than dropping on the floor in front of her like a loser!"
  1040.  
  1041. "I doubt that. There's nothing that shows more dedication than self-destruction."
  1042.  
  1043. Rin nods in silent, sage agreement.
  1044.  
  1045. "Besides," I continue, "how many times have we had this exact conversation? It usually ends up with me saying, 'Yes, Emi, you are right, I should have listened to you from the start. You are correct and I am wrong, please forgive me for my stupidity.'"
  1046.  
  1047. Emi grins widely. "See? Was that so hard? You're a pretty smart guy, Hisao, I'm glad you see things my way!"
  1048.  
  1049. I laugh as the three of us make our way around the main building. Emi looks me up and down for a moment before speaking. "So...what happened to you?"
  1050.  
  1051. I look down at my suit and it's general disorder. "Nothing. I just took a little tumble."
  1052.  
  1053. "Are you all right?"
  1054.  
  1055. "Of course, I'm fine. Don't worry about me."
  1056.  
  1057. She looks unconvinced, her eyes narrowing in suspicion, but then shrugs, giving up the point. "So what have you been doing with your vacation?" she continues.
  1058.  
  1059. "Staying around the house, mostly, keeping out of trouble. Yourself? I imagine with school out you've been trying to keep yourself busy until the students come back to Yamaku."
  1060.  
  1061. Emi smiles broadly. "I visited some of my old teammates from the Para-Games and caught up with them."
  1062.  
  1063. I wince a little. I was in the crowd when Emi took her fall, the injury that ended her running career. She can still run with the best of them, but she can't compete on the professional level anymore. It took her a while to get used to that, but she still has those medals on the wall of her apartment, the centerpiece of the collection that she's so proud of.
  1064.  
  1065. "Did you have fun?"
  1066.  
  1067. "Yeah, it was great! Seeing them again was nice, but it makes me glad I didn't ride athletics through university like I was planning on!"
  1068.  
  1069. "Yamaku is lucky to have you, Emi. Rehabilitation is very important here and you're the best we've got."
  1070.  
  1071. She shoves me playfully. "Stop, you're making me blush!"
  1072.  
  1073. "How have your kids been?"
  1074.  
  1075. "I've been at the hospital. A couple of them are keeping up on their rehab while school is on break and I drop in whenever I can to see how they're doing. I also visit a few of the children in the recovery ward when I get the chance."
  1076.  
  1077. "That's good, Emi. I'm glad to hear you're doing so much work there."
  1078.  
  1079. "I know what's it's like for those kids to be stuck in a hospital. Sometimes they just need someone to talk to, sometimes they just need a hug or a little encouragement."
  1080.  
  1081. "We both know what that's like."
  1082.  
  1083. She looks up at me and smiles. "Yeah, we do."
  1084.  
  1085. I give Emi a little shove back and she smiles at me. Rin is a silent figure next to us, barely tuned into our conversation and merely observing as much around her as she can, a slightly confused look on her face, as if she had been here before but couldn't quiet place when, made all the more amusing since she indeed has been here before.
  1086.  
  1087. "How are you and Lilly?"
  1088.  
  1089. I give a nod. "We're doing good. A little bumpy, but we're okay."
  1090.  
  1091. Rin looks over at me with a surprised look, of course noticing what we're talking about for the first time at the most inopportune moment. "But you just said...."
  1092.  
  1093. "How's your Mom and Nurse doing?" I quickly ask Emi.
  1094.  
  1095. At first Emi is caught off guard by my quick interruption of Rin, but then she shuts down when I ask her about Nurse and Meiko.
  1096.  
  1097. "Fine."
  1098.  
  1099. "Just...fine?"
  1100.  
  1101. "Yeah. Fine. Why do you ask?"
  1102.  
  1103. I shrug. "Oh, no reason, just curious."
  1104.  
  1105. She gives me a little look and then stares forward for a while, getting very quiet.
  1106.  
  1107. Rin blinks a few times and then looks down, observing the cracks in the sidewalk.
  1108. There's a long silence between the three of us. I cough a couple times, but neither Emi or Rin take the bait.
  1109.  
  1110. "You look very nice tonight, Emi, that's a lovely dress," I say, breaking the silence.
  1111.  
  1112. She gives me a cross look. "Thank you."
  1113.  
  1114. "I saw Meiko earlier. Her dress was very similar."
  1115.  
  1116. "Did you? What did you think?" she says dangerously.
  1117.  
  1118. I maintain a Rin-like expression on my face. The dresses may be the same, but Emi wears it drastically different than the way her Mother does.
  1119.  
  1120. "She looked nice."
  1121.  
  1122. "Just...nice?" she glares at me.
  1123.  
  1124. I sigh in frustration. "No, not just nice, Emi! She looked fantastic! A woman her age has no business looking like that! She puts bad thought in my head that make me feel all funny! I'm glad I have a lot of room in this kilt, otherwise I'd have a hard time explaining myself! What do you want me to say?"
  1125.  
  1126. Emi pushes me hard enough that I stumble off the sidewalk before regaining my feet.
  1127.  
  1128. "You are such an asshole tonight! What is wrong with you!?"
  1129.  
  1130. I'm laughing as I hop back next to her and continue walking. "Me? What about you? You never take my teasing so seriously! Why are you being so touchy, what's bothering you?"
  1131.  
  1132. Emi turns away, her mouth set in a angry line. "Nothing is bothering me except for you! I'm fine, so mind your own business."
  1133.  
  1134. "Yeah, I've heard that before. Come on, Emi, is it Nurse?"
  1135.  
  1136. She glares at me. "I don't know what you're talking about...."
  1137.  
  1138. "Emi, he and I talked tonight. You've been giving him a hard time about Meiko."
  1139.  
  1140. She turns away. "I don't want to talk about this in front of Rin."
  1141.  
  1142. I laugh. "Rin? Seriously?" I look over at the the painter. "Hey, Rin, what are you thinking about?"
  1143.  
  1144. Rin jerks awake and looks up at me from the sidewalk. "Huh? What?"
  1145.  
  1146. "What are you thinking about?"
  1147.  
  1148. "Are stars jealous of the clouds because they get to be out during the day?"
  1149.  
  1150. I turn back to Emi. "I think it'll be fine."
  1151.  
  1152. Emi groans and crosses her arms over her chest. "Just leave it alone, Hisao."
  1153.  
  1154. "Come on, Emi, don't be a bitch."
  1155.  
  1156. She turns on me and growls. "What did you just call me?"
  1157.  
  1158. I face Emi and look down at her. "Well, what else have you been acting like towards Nurse?"
  1159.  
  1160. "I don't want to talk about Nurse."
  1161.  
  1162. "You're going to have to eventually."
  1163.  
  1164. "I don't see why I would." She begins to walk away and I follow.
  1165.  
  1166. "Emi...it's been years, maybe it's time for you to move on."
  1167.  
  1168. "Shut up."
  1169.  
  1170. "Then maybe you need to let your Mother move on."
  1171.  
  1172. "My Mom is fine. She's happy with the ways things are."
  1173.  
  1174. We round a corner heading towards the campus quad. A large group of people is beginning to congregate there in front of the stage.
  1175.  
  1176. I stop Emi and face her once more. "Are you sure about that?"
  1177.  
  1178. She faces me as well, putting up a strong front. Rin keeps walking a few paces, then stops when she realizes she's alone and turns back towards us. "Why did we stop?"
  1179.  
  1180. "Just a second, Rin. Yes, she is happy, Hisao."
  1181.  
  1182. "How long ago did you move out of your Mother's house?"
  1183.  
  1184. She looks at me strangely. "Couple years, why?"
  1185.  
  1186. "It's been nice having Rin around the last few days, right? Having someone around so you're not so lonely in that little apartment?"
  1187.  
  1188. Emi scowls at me. "I know what you're going to say, Hisao, so you can just knock it off."
  1189.  
  1190. "I bet it's tough to be all alone in that big house of hers."
  1191.  
  1192. "Why don't you shut up?"
  1193.  
  1194. "Because I'm your friend and I'm Nurse's friend and I don't like seeing my friends do things that hurt themselves, like you with Rin and her smoking. I like to know they're okay."
  1195.  
  1196. Emi turns away from me and wraps her arms around herself.
  1197.  
  1198. "Emi," I continue, "I know you have things you won't talk to people about. We've known each other for years and you still have a hard time talking to me about certain subjects. But you know what, that's fine, I don't need details. What I do know is that since before I met you, Nurse has been there for you and your Mother nonstop. You've been friends with him for longer than you've known me and he's been serious with your Mom for I don't know how long."
  1199.  
  1200. Emi shrugs. "They started dating before they told me."
  1201.  
  1202. "You see?" I tell her.
  1203. "Why would they do that? Because they knew how you would react. The same way you're reacting now. I know you have trouble, Emi, but maybe your Mom is ready to move on. Think about it; don't you want her to be happy? Nurse can do that. He's a great guy and you're treating him pretty badly over this. He must be a pretty decent person if he puts this much concern over your approval."
  1204. "We both know how you operate; you start dating a guy, you get in deep with him and then when it gets serious, you shut him out until he can't take it anymore and leaves. And every time they do, who do you go to to talk it over with? That would be me. So please don't be angry if I'm concerned for you or trying to help you out with a problem before you come to me with it, because it's not that I think you need my opinion or my help. Think of it as a little preventive aid. You were fine with Nurse and your Mother dating, why is this so hard for you to accept?"
  1205.  
  1206. "Did Nurse put you up to this?"
  1207.  
  1208. "Don't change the subject. And no, he didn't. In fact he said for me to leave it alone. Nurse is scared of you, you know."
  1209.  
  1210. Emi turns to face me, a hard look in her eyes. "I like Nurse, he's one of my best friends, but he knows how I feel about this and I don't need to explain myself to you or anyone else."
  1211.  
  1212. "He loves Meiko, you know."
  1213.  
  1214. "Then they can stay dating for all I care, I never said they couldn't, did I?"
  1215.  
  1216. "But him proposing is out of the question?"
  1217.  
  1218. "He shouldn't have to!"
  1219.  
  1220. I sigh. "Forgive me for sympathizing with Nurse on this, Emi. I know what it's like to love someone who has a person close to them holding their opinion of you over their head."
  1221.  
  1222. Emi turns away from me, insulted. "You're comparing me to Lilly's Father?"
  1223.  
  1224. "No, he smokes cigars and has a good two feet on you."
  1225.  
  1226. Emi hits me several times in the arm before I can ward off her attack and shout out, "Height! I mean, height, stop hitting me!"
  1227.  
  1228. Emi pauses the assault and glares at me. "I'm not being unreasonable, Hisao! Why do they have to get married, it's not that big of a deal!"
  1229.  
  1230. I turn back towards her, but I'm not smiling anymore. "Then why are you making it a big deal? You're an adult, Emi, I can't tell you what to do, but considering you no longer live with your Mother, maybe you should let her do what she wants. You're living your own life, let her live hers. Have you even talked to Meiko about this?"
  1231.  
  1232. Emi sneers and turns away from me again.
  1233.  
  1234. "Oh, I see, so what did she say?"
  1235.  
  1236. Emi shrugs. "None of your business."
  1237.  
  1238. "Is she wondering why he hasn't asked her yet?"
  1239.  
  1240. She sighs and shakes her head. "You are so annoying...."
  1241.  
  1242. "I've said the same thing to you many times, but you keep coming back because you know that I need someone like you to kick me in the butt every so often. Don't be pissed with me because I'm doing the same thing for you now. It's time to move on, Emi, I thought you were past this?"
  1243.  
  1244. She turns on me. "I don't need Nurse replacing him!"
  1245.  
  1246. "He isn't replacing him for you! This isn't about you, where did you get that idea from? This is about your Mother and the fact that maybe she's ready to be with someone. You hate it when people hold back, so why are you making the two of them hold back? You can live your life the way you want to, Emi, but don't expect other people to do the same thing! Don't try and make people sit in the same grave you've dug for yourself!"
  1247.  
  1248. Emi's eyes glares at me and her mouth is tightly constrained in an angry grimace.
  1249.  
  1250. Probably not the best choice of words, I think to myself.
  1251.  
  1252. I see her hands shake and I think she's about to blow up at me, but, very slowly, she closes her eyes and takes a few calming breaths before shaking her shoulders out and looking at me with a sad expression.
  1253.  
  1254. "I'm not, I just...I'm just having a little trouble, okay? That's all, so please, just stop it...."
  1255.  
  1256. There's a heaviness to her eyes I hadn't seen before and I take a moment to reevaluate the conversation, to get a better grip on it before we start yelling at each other like we have so many times before. I'm still pissed about Kenji and I don't want to put that anger on Emi.
  1257.  
  1258. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled, Emi. I've got some stuff on my mind that has nothing to do with this. Are you all right? Have you been...have the dreams come back?"
  1259.  
  1260. Emi shakes her head. "No, no dreams. I'm just...you know how hard it was for me to move out on my own?"
  1261.  
  1262. "Yeah."
  1263.  
  1264. "Well, this is even worse. This is like saying, 'It's all over', that I've finally moved on. I'm supposed to take care of my Mom, me! It's like I'm giving up and letting Nurse do the job I'm supposed to do."
  1265.  
  1266. "Emi," I say sympathetically, "you have your own life to live. I don't think your Mother or...your Father would want you to feel the need to hold back for either of them. They would want you to live your life."
  1267.  
  1268. Emi looks away from me towards the gathering people, as if trying to find a face in the crowd.
  1269.  
  1270. "I was happy about it at first. I thought it was great that Nurse wanted to get serious with my Mom. I wanted them to be happy. Then I started thinking about what it really meant. It meant that Mom had moved on and was ready to finally start over again, that someone else would be there for her, that she didn't need me anymore. I was supposed to be the one to take care of her and now it feels like I'm abandoning her just like I abandoned...my Dad."
  1271.  
  1272. "Your Mother will always need you, Emi, and moving on with your life isn't the same as abandoning the people you love," I say.
  1273. "You never forget them, no matter how long you live. Forgetting is not the same thing as healing."
  1274.  
  1275. I pause for a moment before I say what I'm thinking.
  1276.  
  1277. "Just a little while ago, I was thinking about what would happen if I wasn't around, if something happened to me. I wondered what would happen to Lilly, if she would be all right. But, even if I wasn't around, I know that there would be people, people who are my friends, who would be there for her, to help her if she needed it. I know if something happened to me, you'd do everything you could for Lilly."
  1278.  
  1279. I smile to myself, thinking of my wife.
  1280.  
  1281. "And Lilly has Hanako, so I don't feel so bad about it. I would be fine with Lilly moving on because I would want her to be happy."
  1282.  
  1283. Emi doesn't know what I'm thinking about, but I know Lilly would be all right. She has Hanako and they have each other. I know the two of them would be there for each other if, and when, I remind myself, I'm gone.
  1284.  
  1285. I put a hand on Emi's shoulder and give her a playful shove. "Emi, I know that's the same thing you want for your Mom. And as for you, if you can manage to drag my ass around a track enough times to get my health under control, you're more than capable of handling this. You are a hell of a woman, and I may be overstepping the lines here, but I don't care; I know for a fact that if your Father were still around, he would be as proud of you as I am."
  1286.  
  1287. Emi looks up at me, her eyes wide.
  1288.  
  1289. For a moment I think I actually did go to far, that what I said was taken the wrong way.
  1290.  
  1291. Her mouth quivers and Emi makes a little sound before swallowing hard and forcing herself to retain a measure of control.
  1292.  
  1293. When she looks back up she has a smile once again on her face, her eyes a little shiny and red.
  1294. "Thank you, Hisao...."
  1295.  
  1296. "You all right?"
  1297.  
  1298. "Of course!"
  1299.  
  1300. I smile and take Emi by the arm. "Good. Enough of that, let's get to the party."
  1301.  
  1302. Emi blinks, then gives me a slight nod. Rin, who has been silently watching as we yell at each other, looks between the two of us. "Is everything okay?" she asks.
  1303.  
  1304. Emi takes her by the sleeve and smiles. "Yep! We're good now!" she says energetically.
  1305.  
  1306. The three of us enter the party.
  1307.  
  1308. "Thank you, Hisao," Emi whispers to me.
  1309.  
  1310. "For what?"
  1311.  
  1312. "For making sure I don't quit."
  1313.  
  1314. "Just returning the favor, Emi."
  1315.  
  1316. ----------------------------------------
  1317.  
  1318. Part Four
  1319. http://pastebin.com/VyhN4wFK
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