Crash Test Fluffies

Crash Test Fluffies Anonymous 11/13/12(Tue)01:32 No.5710504

>Ah the good life.
>Decent paying job at the office, a choice apartment downtown, and a girl who can hold her own in the world.
>It just so happens she’s also a pretty bitchin’ cook who’s makin’ some lasagna at the moment
>And you? You’re just veggin’ out on the couch after a long work week.
>The luminous glow of the 50 inch flatscreen keeping you entertained with some of the lowest forms of entertainment known to man.
>Well maybe not quite entertained as you’d like
>Over 2000 channels of horseshit and you can’t find something to scratch your itch
>MTV? Ha! no *click*
>TBS? Let’s see reruns of Friends, haha nope *click*
>FluffyTV? Cute, but mind rotting to anything but a fluffy pony *click*
>Then suddenly it happens, a happy father and mother leaving the hospital with newborn in tow entering their car, flashes onto the screen.
>Smiles and sunshine as daddy fastens his child into a really funky looking car seat
>Honestly the sweetness of it all is starting to irk you…
>The scene cuts away to a Gary Busey looking mother fucker in a suit and tie sitting and smiling in what seems to be a R&D lab with that fancy car seat on display to his side
>”Hi, I’m Gary Busey and here at Zeppelin Incorporated we understand that it’s a dangerous out on the road and we care for your children’s wellbeing. Which is why The “Zepplin” was created, With bubble shock suspension an-“
>Well you’ll be damnned, it is Busey!

>hold on a bit…
>oh God Dammit
>A sudden flash of insight has put you in a really sour mood
>People would probably think you’re a tad mental for getting upset over such a benign ad but you have your reasons
>Namely it serves as a reminder that your girl wants to have a baby
>She’s been pressuring you to start a family with her ever since her sister had twins
>You’ve tried your best to avoid the subject, but with every passing day she becomes more pressing on the issue
>Honestly with the way she’s been acting you’d think she was a Flu-
>”We’re so confident in the technology behind our car seats that we’ve even had it tested by the most fragile creature known to man a, fl-“
>”-uffy Pony” you mutter under your breath.
>Freaky, but now he’s got your full attention
>”Got your attention didn’t I? ”
>LOL WUT?
>You take a look around wondering if this is some kind of elaborate prank
>Nope it’s just you being paranoid
>The scene again cuts away, this time to a desert field
>Busey, ever the charismatic businessman is still decked out in a business suit but seems to be holding onto a green Pegasus mare
>”I’d like you to meet our test subject, say hello to the folks at home Emerald”
>”HEWWO” the fluffy waves enthusiastically at the camera
>”That’s my girl, coochie coochie coo hehehhe!”
>the spritely green ball of energy, giggles and coos as she’s tickled all over

>It’s all a bit surreal to say the least
>Oddly enough it’s also kind of heartwarming seeing someone as unstable as Gary Busey playing with a retarded toy horse.
>A cloud of dust kicks up in the background
>”OK, girl it’s show time, ready for a game? If you’re good you’ll get a treat”
>“EMMY WUV GAME! WAN TWEAT! BE GUD FWUFFY” she squeals
>”That’s my girl! To help prove our product’s effectiveness, little Emmy is going to be our mark of quality, our crash test fluffy”
>An SUV pulls up and the side door opens revealing the same odd car seat from before
>Gary opens the door and straps her in and kisses her forehead before facing the other way and immediately spitting out the fluff that managed to get in his mouth
>”HEHEHEHE DADDY FUNNY!”
>*SLAM* “WAAH SCAWY NOISE!”
>Busey mutters something under his breath as the door slams behind him and walks off to a conveniently placed table with an open laptop
>”Now for the fun stuff folks! This little computer here allows me to keep tabs on Emerald”
>The window on the monitor shows the fluffy tearing up from the abrupt farewell
>”How you doin, Emmy?!”
>”DADDEH?! WHEWE DADDEH?! EMMY SOWWY!”
>The little mare wiggles as much her restraints allow as she searches frantically for daddy
>”Aww it’s alright, daddy forgives you. Now as you can see, we can keep an eye on her but she can only hear us isn’t that right sweety?”

>”DAT WIGHT EMMY ONWY HEAW DADDEH!” she says with an air of assurance, only to look curiously around again moments later
>He takes a moment to stare at the screen and begins to make increasingly ugly faces at the monitor
>”Oh uh… back to business. we’ll be sending little Emmy on a one way trip to a 12 inch wall of reinforced concrete over that-a-way”
>”WHA CONCWETE?”
>”Not now Emmy!”
>Emmy quickly hides her face behind her hooves, taken aback by daddy’s sudden outburst
>”Where were we? Oh yes the wall, DUN DUNNA NAH, TADA!”
> With a quick almost playful finger point the camera pans to the right revealing a large brick wall standing about 7 feet tall out in the distance
>”Now, little Emmy doesn’t know it but she’ll be reaching speeds of over 90 MPH before she hits home if you catch my drift.”
>”Oh and by the way I’ll be the one sending her there. That’s right, not only does this computer keep an eye on her, I’ll be using it to take her on the ride of her life!”
>He reaches below the table to pull out a racing helmet and pulls up a seat and places his hands on the keyboard
>”vvvrrrr…..VRRR… VRRRRRRRRRRROOOOM VRRRRROOOOOM!”
>Oh Christ, he’s started making engine noises
> The screen breaks apart into 3 separate sections
> Two smaller windows showing Busey and Emmy separately are shown on the upper corners of the screen
>What’s left of the display is used to keep an eye on the SUV

>In a matter of seconds The SUV zips around the desert banking around all manner of cacti and vegetation
>a small speedometer pops up in the lower left corner of the screen reading speeds that fluctuate between 56-62 MPH
>Little Emmy is having the time of her life squealing in pleasure ignorant of what’s to come
>”And now for the finale!” Busey barks
>”FINAWE FINAWE FINAWE!” Chants an exuberant Emmy
>The SUV’s erratic pattern is suddenly shattered as Busey directs it to its final destination
>57… 66… 73… 78… 83… 92 MPH, the speedometer climbs rapidly as it approaches the wall
>A wide angle shot catches the moment of truth as the vehicle crumples up and burst into flames
>The impact rattles the camera a bit and a pillar of black smoke bellows in the distance
>”AND WHA-BAM!!! HAHAHAHAHA HOO WEE!” The video feed of Emerald comes to an abrupt end followed by static
>By the time the dust settles He’s broken out into a little dance
>”Ooh, NASTY” you actually manage to wince a bit at the remains which looks like some serious Salvador Dali shit.
>With an impact like that surely that little mare must’ve been crushed if not outright pureed
>A team of rescue workers make their way to the scene within seconds and get to work
>The fires are doused and the doors are quickly pried opened to unearth the results
>You don’t believe it, she’s still alive

> Scared shitless and bawling her eyes out but alive none the less.
>”WAAAAAAAAH SCAWY WAN DADDEH WAN DAAAAADEH!!”
>A calm and composed Busey walks up to the wreckage and pulls the shell shocked mare out of the shit soaked seat toweling her off and offering her a cookie
>”Ya did good Emmy ya did good.”
>Her cries quickly pacified by the offering of baked goods and daddy’s comforting hold
>Odd, you could’ve sworn that fluffy was a slightly darker shade of green and a bit smaller…
>Meh, you’re thinkin’ too much about it
>”As you can see, not a bruise or injury on her, ain’t that right Emmy?”
>”NO BOO BOO FO PATWIC-OWIES!”
>Busey gives her a quick flick on the nose
>”That’s right EMMY!”
>A crewman quickly takes the fluffy before she starts to cry up a storm on camera
>A wry grin creeps on Busey’s face, ”Now, let’s see the results of one of our competitors shall we?”
>They aren’t going to…
>They are, a pet kennel is brought in and another SUV drives in
>Busey reaches in and retrieves the new test subject
>This one a Pegasus stallion in a brilliant shade of white with a grey mane
>”NU DADDEH?” he squeaks
>No more than a second passes before he’s briskly whisked away by the magic of video editing and placed in a shoddy looking carseat
>”DIS GAME?!” he chirps in delight
>the camera pans to show a knowing smile plastered on Gary’s face as he shuts the door and makes his way to the laptop

>”By now you know what to expect, or do you? Hahaha oh well guess you’ll just have to sit and find out huh?”
>Once again he dons the helmet and sends the pegasi zooming across the desert
>”You having fun there little buddy?!”
>”FASTA FASTA WAN GO FASTA!”
>”You got it!”
>Once again an SUV finds itself making head way for a slab of concrete over a mile away
>The speedometer breaks 102mph as the car collides with the wall
>But something different happens this time around…
>The angle is different it’s looking at the car straight on during impact
>On top of that the moment of impact has been slowed for dramatic effect
>The hood crumples and the windshield shatters as a hunk of plastic catapults through

> OH SHIT!
>It’s the car seat with the fluffy Pegasus in tow
>The stallion’s face and body are slowly mangled by the glass
>Each passing second a new shard embeds itself into fluff and flesh
>Sanguineous fluid pours freely highlighting the white fluff in abstract patterns
>A fluffy strapped to a chair that was meant to protect, slowly spirals towards the camera in a grotesque ballet of blood and glass
>After what seemed to be an eternity, a marriage of fluff and brick gives birth to a spectacular array of chunks of meat, bone, and fluff painting the video feed red.
> The camera cuts away to Busey who’s seems to be enjoying himself
>”WOAH-HO HAHAHA ooh ho ho… oh man… Was that as good for you as it was for me? *Cough* ahem” he takes a moment to compose himself
>”Just goes to show you, accept no substitutes people!”
>”Know what you’re gettin’, Place your trust in a Zeppelin!” a big thumbs up and the screen fades to blue
>”We’ll send you the “ZEPPLIN” 10 easy payments of $19.99, Order now and receiv-“

>What you just witnessed has left you a bit uneasy but at the very least you’re pretty entertained
>”Oh God…” you hear a mousey voice over your shoulder
>It’s your girl, and apparently she’s been watching along
>wait a second…
>You turn to her, look her straight in the eye and ask her something that could help put an end to the baby affair
>”Babe, I know how much you want to have a baby, but, do you really want to our kid growing up in a world where shit like this is acceptable?”
>she shoots you a dirty look, but then lightly shakes her head and slinks off
>Well you’re not quite sure if that was really the end of your issues, but you aren’t expecting any baby talk for a while
>If that fluffy was still alive you’d owe him a big ass plate of spaghetti
>A quick glance at the TV shows Mr. Busey once again smiling and cradling the green mare
>That smile seems a lot more ambiguous than before
>You’re reminded of a certain other actor who’s found employment involving fluffies and begin to wonder if there’s a correlation between fluffies and washed up actors.

Fin