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- How the Grinch Stole Anime - by TheBrett - @kazmadan
- Every person in the FGC liked Guilty Gear a lot...
- But the Grinch, who only played BB, did NOT!
- The Grinch hated Guilty Gear! The whole GG series.
- Now, people don't ask why. No one even has a theory.
- It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
- It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
- But I think that the most likely reason of all,
- May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
- Whatever the reason, he was downright mean.
- He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the scene.
- Staring down from his cave, with a salty frown to match,
- At all the poeple waiting for the promised +R patch.
- For he knew ever person living in the States
- Was counting the days they could play with their mates.
- "And they're watching match vids!" he snarled with a sneer,
- "ArcSys promised it's coming, it's the end of the year!"
- Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
- "I MUST find some way to stop this patch from coming!!!"
- For soon, he knew, all the anime girls and boys,
- Would wake bright and early to play with their toys!
- And then! OH THE NOISE! OH THE NOISE
- NOISE!NOISE!NOISE! That's the one thing he hated!
- Dead games making NOISE!
- Then everyone, young and old, would start making a splash.
- And they'd mash! And they'd mash! And the'd MASHHHH!!!"
- MASH!
- MASH!
- MASH!
- THey would mash DP, and of course wakeup throw!
- Which was something that made the Grinch's salt flow.
- And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
- Every GG player, the tall and the small,
- They'd talk about how their game is the best.
- How their game is the only one, fuck all the rest!
- They'd preach! And they'd preach! And they'd PREACH!
- PREACH!
- PREACH!
- PREACH!
- And the more the Grinch thought of this GG preaching,
- The more the Grinch thought, "I MUST STOP THIS WHOLE THING!"
- "Why, for over a decade I've put up with it now!"
- "I MUST stop the +R patch from coming!
- ...But HOW!?"
- Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
- THE GRINCH GOT A GODLIKE, HELLA GOOD IDEA!
- "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
- And he made a quick ArcSystemWorks coat.
- And he chuckled, and clucked, "I'm so fucking godlike"
- "With this hat and this coat, I look like Daisuke, don't I?"
- "I need to buy a plane ticket..." The Grinch muttered with a croak.
- He had pre-ordered BBCP, leaving him broke.
- Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
- "If I don't have any money, I'll win some instead!"
- He called his buddy, LK, and told him he was FREE.
- "Gonna settle for second place again?
- ...Or do you wanna money match me?"
- He lost the first set, LK won without trouble.
- "Wanna go again?" the Grinch asked,
- "And this time for double?"
- LK agreed with a smile, "I love making money this way."
- Little did LK know,
- ...
- ...
- ...
- The Grinch plays Kokonoe!
- If you don't beleive the result, don't take it from me.
- LK still gets second place, even in 2023.
- THEN he packed his bags and flew to Japan.
- "All according to Keikaku." (Keikaku means plan)
- He stared down at ASW headquarters, the biggest of frowns.
- Towards the homes where the Elevens lay asnooze in the town.
- All of their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
- All the people were dreaming sweet dreams without care.
- A giant statue of Noel stood guarding the door.
- "I love BBCP, but seriously... what a whore."
- "All the conditions have been cleared," the old Grinch hissed.
- And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
- Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
- But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.
- Out of the chimney, and onto the floor,
- He quickly located the main office door.
- Where all the computers were lines in a row.
- "These hard drives," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
- Then he slithered and slunk with a smile almost obscene.
- Around the whole room, and he took everything!
- He took sprites, backgrounds, all that had been.
- He replaced every GG character with Ragna and Jin.
- In the development section, he saw P4U2.
- "I can't wakeup roll in Persona, fuck that game too."
- Not even GG Xrd went unnoticed - "Game's still too hard."
- "And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I'll steal the patch for +R!!!"
- And the Grinch took the patch, and headed above,
- When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
- He turned around fast, as he was about to climb.
- It was an ASW employee working overtime.
- The Grinch had been caught by a Salaryman.
- He had forgotten how popular overtime is in Japan.
- He stared at the Grinch and said "Daisuke, why,"
- "All the files are gone except for BB!? WHY?"
- But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
- He though up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
- "Why my good man," the fake Daisuke said,
- "It's the most honest game. And the rest are dead."
- "So I'm fixing them back at my home office, my friend."
- "They don't have comeback mechanics, and that's the trend!"
- Good games are the ones you can up-back in, like BB."
- "Just look at Marvel - it's HUGE - don't you agree?"
- "Well I can't argue with that," the employee said.
- And he sent the man home and off to his bed.
- He finished his work, and bid his adieu.
- With an extra patch to buff Kokonoe no one could undo.
- Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
- On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
- It was a quarter past dawn... Everyone still a-bed.
- All the mods, twitch cops, still asleep when he fled.
- The data, sprites, gifs, and drawings too.
- Three thousasnd feet up! Up the side of Mr. Lelou.
- He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it.
- As the deadline for US +R passed, on top of it.
- "Stay free, FGC," he was grinchishly humming.
- "They're finding out that no patch is coming!"
- "They're just reading about it. I know just what they'll do!"
- "They'll tweet and bitch for a minute or two,
- Then they'll start cryng for real, 'Boo Hoo-Fucking-Hoo!'"
- "That's some shit," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST see."
- So he got back on dustloop and twitter to read.
- And he did; threads and tweets began to flow.
- It started in low. Then it started to grow.
- But the tweets weren't sad! Why, the threads sounded merry!
- It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry. VERY!
- he checked the front page - The Grinch popped his eyes!
- Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
- There was Guilty Gear being played, and ON STREAM, on top of it!
- It was Frost Faustings Six, and no one had forgotten it.
- He HADN'T stopped Guilty Gear from coming! IT CAME!
- Somehow or another, people played it just the same!!!
- And the Grinch, full of salt, couldn't let it go.
- He stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
- "The patch was cancelled, the netplay is nonexistent,
- Execution is such a chore they call practicing 'maintenence'!"
- And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
- Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
- "Maybe Guilty Gear," he thought, "doesn't need to be changed."
- "Maybe GG players... perhaps... are fine with the same!"
- "Maybe it doesn't matter if it's new or creates hype."
- "Maybe playing Guilty Gear is playing Guilty Gear for life."
- And what happened then? Well... on Dustlopp they say,
- That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
- And the minute his heart didn't feel so tight,
- He immediately purchased an airline flight.
- He showed up to FF, and brought food for the feast!
- And he, HE HIMSELF! The Grinch became a Guilty Gear beast.
- Merry Christmas, guys.
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