Sorry if this is long, but I gave up on psychology forums lol. Maybe a furry might know something more on what exactly is my crazyness?


So I'll start off by saying i've always had low confidence. I'm 21 years old. From grade school to now I never had much self confidence at all. During P.E. I'd stand in places where I knew I wouldn't have to catch the ball, and avoid competition like the plague if I could help it. I quit when I'm winning, because I know I'm going to screw up eventually and prefer to leave a winner than a loser.

I also have 0 confidence when it comes to talking to women, so I have never had a girlfriend, and never even gotten close to one.

I also suck at talking to my family members. If they are around, it feels like im frozen or slowed or something. I can barely get full sentences off and talk really quiet. I can't help it, I just can't talk around them. I usually have my friends meet me elsewhere because I'm so silent here in my house. I think they know this, but never really mention it. When I'm in my room I blabber pretty calmly on voice programs with my friends playing video games online, so I'm sure they have heard the normal outside the house me.

I also feel like I have to fake absolutely everything when it comes to social interactions. I have seperate "groups" of friends, that I hate introducing to one another because I'm a completely different person in each group. In one, i'm really quiet and sort of sit in the background minding my own business, in another, I'm known for never shutting up, and in the 3rd, I take more of a leadership role. I noticed that the longer I hang out with a group, the less social and more distant I get.

I never actually try to make friends, they sort of just come to me. I don't even know how to approach random people unless I am completely alone and know that no one I know is around.

---Issue 2---

So this one is really weird, and try not to laugh, but go ahead because I/all my friends usually do, though this is completely serious. Ever since middle school, I have had a huge obsession with female poniess. They have to be cute too, not just any female ponies, I'm picky. One of them I have been obsessed with since the beginning. Shes just some random one I found on the internet when I was like 13. I would think about her for hours! every night thats all I would think about, this lasted all the way up until... well last year, when I found another one who is in an actual video game.

Cynder is her name. I've replayed her game 5-6 times, just because I'm so obsessed with her. It's even worst than the last ponies. Every day, thats all I think about! I hug my pillow pretending it's her!

So these poniess have sort of replaced the whole need for a girlfriend, at least in my twisted little world. I have a big imagination, and zone out a lot which tends to make time go by pretty quickly when I'm bored. I've always been content with them though, they were my poniess. I'd put them on my binder because I thought it was entertaining when people would comment on how dumb they look.

Now I know it's wrong. I'm pretty sure any obsession to this degree would be. But I can't resist! I love these poniess! I don't know what I would think about without them! The idea of not being obsessed with them is alien and strange to me. It's been what, 9 years? I spend a lot of time online, I always have. It's always been comfortable here. And I never shut up about my poniess online! I never sought help about it because I never wanted it! Everyone I know knows about this, at least I think they do. I only put Cynder everywhere, cell phone background, computer background, xbox background, pictures of her on my wall. You would think they would get the hint!

---Issue 3---

And finally, issue 3. Now that I'm getting older, all of this seems like a bad idea. I don't have a job anymore, I quit that. No girlfriend obviously, and I usually try to avoid social contact, even with friends. Everyone seems to be out there drinking and having a good time, but I just can't do it. I've never tried alcohol, and really don't want to. It's almost like a hidden code in my head to avoid it. Everyone has girlfriends, which I am slightly jealous of whenever I hear about it.

I don't really have any motivation to go do this stuff though. I hate parties, I usually end up not knowing what to say and just avoiding everyone until I can leave without making a scene. I'm lonely, and want a girlfriend, but just don't have the confidence to get one. It almost feels like I'm cheating on my invisible girl ponies obsession when I think about going for this. I really don't want to lose that. It's so engraved into my brain.

Another problem was always the time commitment that comes with a girlfriend. I avoid my friends calls sometimes just because I don't feel like doing anything usually. It's like I'm waiting for some unknown thing to happen and just feel like sitting around bored. I can't imagine a girlfriend walking in randomly during the day, i hate having to do things unplanned like that. Though like most things, if I replace that with Cynder, I'd do anything for her.

It's funny, If i'm watching a movie, and some relationship breaks up or something involving 2 people, or one of them dies, i really don't care, and think the movie is boring. But if I put myself and one of my poniess in that picture, suddenly I can relate! I'd hate to lose them!

I also have a lot of random medical issues that keep me from doing things sometimes. Everything from irritable bowel syndrome, to overactive bladder. I had plans to get a overnight stocking job during the summer, but ended up with a bunch of urology related issues that made me skip out on that. It almost feels like it's too far into the summer to go for not now, or maybe my motivation just waned. Some days I'm motivated, thats how I got my last job. Then a week or 3 straight of just not wanting to do anything but Sleep and obsess over my poniess, posting them all over the internet and searching for more.

I play a lot of video games, but can't even pick up any new ones after finishing Cynders game. That's all I ever want to play, everything else seems completely boring now. That's probably the worst part of all of this. I can't start anything.

Theres a ton more... but I think I covered most of the important points.