/sci/ humour

%%Control Engineering joke
A 747 was flying along and was full of Polish people. As they were going past some beautiful landmarks, the pilot came over the intercom and instructed all who were interested in seeing the landmark to look out the right side of the plane. Many passengers did so, and the plane promptly crashed. Why?

Spoiler
>poles
>Right half plane


A farmer decides to build a new enclosure for his livestock turns to his friends - a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician - for help designing it.
The physicist scratches down some equations on a sheet of paper and after a few moments declares, "You should build a circular pen, that will give you the largest area given a limited amount of fencing!"
"No hold on," says the engineer. He takes a few minutes to survey the farmer's land and after scratching down some sketches and crunching some numbers declares, "A rectangular pen will make the most efficient use of the existing fences and buildings!"
The physicist and engineer debate for some time and their collaboration eventually produces the most efficient design for the fence. They shake hands and start helping the farmer build the enclosure.


The mathematician, meanwhile, takes four pieces of fencing and builds a tiny pen around himself. He smiles, smugly, before triumphantly stating, "Eureka! I define myself to be outside the pen!"
What happened to the guy who got down to absolute zero? He's 0K.

Whats the contour Integral around eastern Europe? Zero all the Poles are in western Europe!

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are sharing a room at a conference.
In the middle of the night, the engineer awakes, and notices there is a fire in the bin. He throws gallons of water over it till
it goes out.
Later on, the physicist wakes up, and notices there is another fire in the bin. He solves the fluid mechanics equations and works
 out the exact amount needed to put out the fire. Satisfied, he returns to bed.
However, the mathematician soon wakes and sees there are still some embers in the bin. He then picks up a piece of paper and
fans the embers, getting the fire going again. Having the reduced it to a previously solved problem, he returns to bed.

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the
assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds,
"That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

Heisenberg drives his brand new car off the lot. He glances at the speedometer, and then realizes that he's lost.

Archimedes, Pascal, and Newton are playing
hide-and-seek.
Archimedes covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal looks around and hides behind a bush.
Newton grabs a stick and scrapes a one meter by one
meter square in the
dirt and stands in it. Otherwise he does not hide
at all.
Archimedes opens his eyes and looks around. Of
course, he immediately
sees Newton and calls "I see Newton"
Newton calmly says "But hang on, one Newton in a
square meter is a Pascal!"

We don't serve faster than light particles here.
If you aren't part of the solution you are part of the precipitate.
Don't worry I only make chemistry jokes periodically.
A neutron walks into the bar and asks how much a double JD would cost him, barkeep says 'for you? no charge'
a tachyon walks into a bar

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why don't they golf at night?".

how to put 4 between 5?
answer:
f(IV)e

Q: what do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito
A: you can't cross a scaler with a vector

Bartender walks over to Reneè Decartes and asks him if he'd like another beer and he says, "I think not" and promptly vanishes.

An infinite number of mathematicians, a polar bear, helium, and a neutrino walk into a bar (ouch). One of the mathematicians then says, "the bar is now empty" and they begin to play hide and seek. The neutrino is then stopped by a police officer. Officer Heisenberg says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" The neutrino replies, "I'm positive and a pascal but I don't know where I am." The bar tender then says "You're all idiots, the cows are all black" and pours 10 (in base 2, i mean 10) drinks and there is an extra dollar. The polar bear then dissolves in water while the helium does not react.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says to the bartender, "I'll have one beer." The second says "I'll have half of what she's having." Before the third mathematician could even speak, the bartender pours two glasses of beer and walks off.

A chemist, a physicist and a statistician get called to the Deans office, in the corner is a waste paper basket that is on fire.
The chemist says "the fire is caused by a reaction between the contents of the basket and the air, we should remove the air by throwing a blanket on the fire:"
The physicist says "the reaction can only occur because there is sufficient heat to sustain it, we should remove the heat by throwing water on the fire"
The statistician is not listening but is instead running around the office starting more fires, the physicist and the chemist exclaim "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
He looks at them like they are stupid, "I'm trying to get a bigger sample size"

During the French Revolution, three professionals were arrested and convicted of having bourgeois values. They were a doctor, a lawyer, and an
engineer. They were to be led to the guillotine one by one. The crowd was roaring with anticipated pleasure. First up was the doctor. How dare
he enrich himself through other people's illnesses? The doctor was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. The blade started on
its massive, implacable way down. And lurched to a stop. The official in charge declared that it would be inhumane to make the doctor suffer
this way more than once, so he was setting the doctor free. The crowd howled. The executioner checked his equipment. All was in order. He put
a small tree branch in, and successfully lopped it in half. He re-sharpened the blade. Next up was the lawyer. Who needs an excuse to wish such
a lying, cheating scoundrel dead? The lawyer was placed in the guillotine, and the lanyard was yanked. Again, the blade stopped part-way down!
The presiding official once again said that he would set this prisoner free because of the unusual circumstances. The crowd screamed in frustration.
 Now came the engineer, a man whose innovations and devices were costing jobs. The crowd fell silent. The executioner checked and re-checked his
equipment.


Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed
that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

A Pure Brownian Motion walks into a bar. He says "I'll have a glass of nothing!".
"Nothing?", the barman responds with a puzzled face.
"Of course! What did you expect?"

A polar bear walks into a bar.
"I'll have a gin..............................................................and tonic."
"Sure, but why the big PAWS?" (pause geddit?lolomg)
The bear was wearing a lab coat of some kind.

How much did the mitochondria cost?
80p

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

2 bears fall into water. One falls into a lake, the other into Arctic Sea. Which one dissolves faster?
The latter - it is polar.

Helium flies into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve nobility".
Helium does not react.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were given the following simple task:
Given a length L of fence, build a pen that encloses the maximum area.
The physicist knew the well-known result of calculus of variations that a circle maximizes the area, so he set up a circular pen.
The engineer was conscious of all the production costs, including R&D time, so he didn't bother with the math and simply set up a square pen.
The mathematician wrapped the fence tightly around himself, and said "I define myself to be on the outside".


Allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen,
true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking
something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there
is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids
Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality. I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go.

Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn't take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It's clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the facts. You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother's mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it’s a peach of cake.
>to get to the other side
>why did the neutrino cross the 730km gap from CERN to the Gran Sasso lab?

A mathematician once planted an acorn in the yard behind his house. After many years, the resulting plant thought to itself, "Gee... I'm a tree."

Alex, finding life a bore,
Drank some H2SO4
His father, an M.D.
Gave him CaCO3
Now he's neutralized, it's true,
And now he's full of CO2.

A dying mosquito exclaimed,
'A chemist has poisoned my brain!'
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro
diphenyl-trichloro-ethane.

Many fam
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being
on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."

1337% of pi is 42

University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol: Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

My math teachers used to tell me that I was average. Isn’t that mean?

Two antennas got married. The wedding was awful, but the reception was amazing.

I knew a micro-biologist once, but unfortunately he drowned in a puddle.

I was reading a book on tools for micro etching but I couldn't see the point.

My scientist friends want to freeze me to -273 degrees centigrade. The wife is really worried, but I think I'll be OK.

The math department's softball team went to their first game, but refused to play and had to forfeit.
They couldn't prove it was a field.

Famous scientists and mathematicians are playing hide and go seek in the afterlife. Einstein is counting. While all the others run and hide Newton
simply grabs a stick and draws a square meter box in the ground and sits in the middle. When Einstein turns around he says "I found you Newton." Newton says "No you didn't, you found Pascal"

Unfortunately sin(2r)=2sin(r) got turned down for a loan. Apparently he needed a cos(r).

A physicist and a mathematician sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps
 towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine
 catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously
 solved one.

There was a science jokes thread yesterday on /sci/.
A physicist, an engineer and a statistician all go hunting in the forest. They spot a deer and get ready to shoot.
The physicist does some quick ballistics calculations in his head (assuming vacuum), but lands five metres short.
The engineer accounts for some air resistance, but lands five metres too long.
The statistician yells, "We've got him!"

A biologist, a mathematician and a logician are on a tour through Scotland. They notice a black sheep.
The biologist: "Scottish sheep are black"
The mathematician: "At least one Scottish sheep is black"
The logician: "At least one Scottish sheep is black on one side

My topology professor tried to drink tea from a doughnut.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

I caught my daughter playing with the electrical outlet, and she gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

It takes 9 months to bear a child, no matter how many women you assign to the job.

The vet at the zoo had a problem: beryllium. He had only two options, to curium or to barium. He lead the dentist to boron
 the bear’s tooth. I’d give a nickel to have seen what happened when the bear woke up. Now the vet and the dentist argon.
It’s ironic what can happen when you have a beryllium and try to curium.

A physicist, mathematician and a statistician were recruited for the armed forces and sent to the royal artillery. They were
ordered to fire an artillery gun onto an enemy base, and the mathematician stepped up first, made a few calculations and took
 a shot. The shot landed 200 feet too short. "You fool!" the physicist said, "you calculated for perfect conditions!".
The physicist altered the calculations, took a shot and it landed 200 feet too long. The statistician stepped forward and
said "Good job lads, we got them!"

"I forget the rest of the joke, but your mother is a whore."
"A tachyon walks into a bar."

how do you solve a linear system of equations?
You try and gauss the solution

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

Helium walks in to a bar. The bartender says "look, we don't serve noble gases here, you're going to have to go somewhere
else." Helium doesn't react.

http://fora.tv/2009/11/08/Science_Laughs_Science_Comedian_Brian_Malow

why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
to get to the same side

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor doesn't put
up any resistance.

A higgs-boson walks into a church. The priest says "higgs-bosons aren't allowed in here." The higgs-boson says "but without
 me, how can you have mass?"

A biologist, physicist, and a mathematician are sitting outside of a cafe casually talking when they notice two people enter a house. Shortly, three people leave.
The Biologist says "They must have reproduced."
The Physicist says "The initial measurements were inaccurate"
The Mathematician says "If a person enters that house it will be empty"

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

So a neutrino walks through a bar...
It might be a little funnier if it was like "so a neutrino walks through a bar of lead x thick" And have x be whatever the value is where 50% of neutrinos pass through
I tried to think of one with electron spin, couldn't really think of one.
So a bar walks into an h.

Q: Where does bad light end up?
A: In a prism.

This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong.
(3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.

Why are curium barium and helium considered the medical elements?
If you can't helium or curium, you barium!
Heimerdinger quote btw.

>lets make epsilon less than 0

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.

A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year's final exam. The instructions read, "Describe

Adapted,
Does a Schrodinger's cat have 18 half-lives?

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
A: Let me atom.

How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

>I hate all these chemistry jokes, they are so boron. All the good ones argon.

Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.

Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are
travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
The three atonished men try to solve the problem:
- Physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque.
It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of
the main axis.
- Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been
burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo
of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.
- Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute,
and then get in and try again?

Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec
(25=25=3*8+1=2*10+5)

An infinite number of mathematicians, a polar bear, helium, and a neutrino walk into a bar (ouch).
 One of the mathematicians then says, "the bar is now empty" and they begin to play hide and seek.
The neutrino is then stopped by a police officer. Officer Heisenberg says, "Do you know how fast you
were going back there?" The neutrino replies, "I'm positive and a pascal but I don't know where I am.
" The bar tender then says "You're all idiots, the cows are all black" and pours 10 (in base 2, i mean
10) drinks and there is an extra dollar. The polar bear then dissolves in water while the helium does not react.

There is a room filling with water with a group of people inside. There is a small window in one of the walls near the ceiling.
Within the group, there is a physicist an engineer and a mathematician.
They are all put to work to discover a resolution to the problem.
The engineer wants to bust a hole in the wall to allow for escape.
The physicist works out the rate of water fill and the rate that people can fit through the window.
The mathematician, however, goes into the corner for ten minutes and comes out and says:
"There is a solution."

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for more
than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they
were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired
 engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying
 the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This
is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded: "One chalk mark: $1; knowing where to put
it: $49,999."
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out what kind of Engineer God is.
The first engineer says "I think God is a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The second engineer says "I think God is an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The third engineer says "I think God is a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be."
The fourth engineer snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, God MUST be a Civil Engineer!"
The other three ask "Why?"
"Well" says the fourth engineer, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a prime recreational area?"

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, John. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Some pick up lines;
I wish I were your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves
I wish I were an integral so I could fill you up
Baby, I want you more than fluorine wants electrons
If I was an enzyme, I'd want to be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your jeans
If I were sin^2? and you were cos^2?, together, we'd make one
Hey baby, you must contain a singularity 'cause the force of attraction between us is inescapable
Are you 2x? Because I'd like to integrate you from 10 to 13
Holy shift! Look at the asymptote on that mother function!
You must be a carbon molecule, because every part of me wants to bond with you
You must be calcium hydride, because if you let me get you wet, then the reaction will be explosive
You know... it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force
If I were endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me - smooth or rough?
Our love is like dividing by zero.... you cannot define it

Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?
A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left, stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise.

A bacterium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your kind here."
The bacterium says, "But I work here! I'm staph!"

Why did the bacterium fail math?
It thought multiplication and division were the same thing.

To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

Why did febreeze change it's name to benzene?
>Because t had an aromatic ring to it

I'd post some, but I lost my list so all of the good ones argon.

We just started learning about imaginary numbers, but I am going to give up, it's too complex.

Cos(x), sin(x) and e^(x) go to a party. Sin(x) and cos(x) are partying away but e^(x) is miserable and anti social. Sin(x) and cos(x) go up to e^(x) and say 'what's wrong, why don't you integrate?'
e^(x) replies, 'It doesn't make any difference'

The B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for Benoît B. Mandelbrot.

My math teachers used to tell me that I was just average. I always thought that was mean.

I tried to think of a pun involving German philosophers, but I couldn't..

A lepton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "You're looking pretty quarky"
The Lepton replies, "It's all this glue on me."

A Hadron walks in and sits down next to the Lepton and says, "You're looking pretty strange."

The Lepton disappears through a quantum tunnel, the strong and weak nuclear forces cease to exist and all matter in the
 known universe is ripped apart in an instant leaving only the vacuum of matterless space.

brb testing time machine

a noble gas floats into a bar and the barman says "we don't serve your type around here!"
it doesn't react.

The Tachyon leaves. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve Tachyons here". A Tachyon enters a bar.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were attending a conference, and were each given a room at a hotel. During the
night, a fire spontaneously spawned in each of their rooms. The first to wake up was the physicist. He saw the fire, ran to
 his desk, picked up his pencil and started making thermodynamic calculations. He calculated the exact amount of water
required to put out the fire, put the fire out and went to bed again. The next to wake was the engineer, who saw the fire,
 drenched the room with water, and went to the local gay bar. The mathematician was the last to wake, he saw the fire,
went to his desk, picked up his pencil and started making calculations. After many many calculations were made, he threw down
 his pencil in triumph, having proved that he could put out the fire and went back to sleep.

>tachyon walks out of the bar.
>bartender says we don't serve your kind here.
>tachyon walks in to a bar.

Two chemists walk into a kitchen. First chemist says "Anything to eat in the fridge?" Second chemist says "Afraid there is
 only protons in here. Want to split them?" First chemist says "Sure!"
<EXPLOSION>

Two scientists walk in to a bar. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have H2O". The second scientist says, "I'll
 have H2O too". They get
their drinks and drink them. The second scientist dies.

An atom walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I think I lost an electron"
The bartender replies "Are you sure?"
Atom: "Yes, Im positive!"

How many guacs are in a solution of guacamole?
Avocado's number.

A man walks into a bar, he's a hydroxyl functional group bound to a carbon atom and it's destroying his family

A neutrino walks into a bar, the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve neutrinos". The neutrino replies " no worries,
just passing through".

In b4 to get to the other side
Why did the tachyon cross the road?

An elephant, an ostrich and a crocodile stop a bloke in the street.
The crocodile pulls out a police badge and says, "We have reason to believe you are carrying substances of an hallucinogenic
nature, Sir."

Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.

It has been rumored that Edmund Scientific is trying to keep up with the times. The following amusing incident confirms this
belief. The Chairman of a Physics Department ordered some lab equipment from the company. When the package arrived, a secretary
opened it and found the following warning label: "Despite its superficial appearance, this product at a microscopic level might
 be made of strings. Manufacturer will prosecute to the maximum extent of the copyright law any attempt to make a supersymmetric
 version.

A graduate engineering student who used to come to the university on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
"Where did you get the bike from?" his exclusively male friends want to know.
"It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. But the story is kind of weird..."
"Tell us!"
"Well", he starts, "yesterday she called me on the phone and told me that she had passed her materials science final and that she wanted to drop by to thank me in person. As usual, she arrived at my place riding her bicycle. But when I had let her in, she suddenly took all her clothes off, lay down on my bed, smiled at me, and said: `You can take from me whatever you desire!'"
One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."
"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how fucking retarded you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you
are red.

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is made of.

A neutrino walks into a bar.
Bartender: "We don't serve your kind here"
Neutrino: "Don't worry, just passing through".

Q: What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
A: "Gotta split!"

A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"

There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."

Nostalgia threads:
    >6th grade biology
    >dicussion on what defines something as living
    >teacher says a organism is anything that
    >moves
    >can reproduce
    >consumes
    >breathes
    >and can die
    >I say to teacher "that's a little vague"
    >teacher disagrees and asks me to give a example that follows all those requirements
    >"Fire?"
    >teacher gets pissed
    >I get sent to office for being "cheeky"

Ive told this story before:
>5th grade teacher wont help us spell words
>If we ask him how to spell something he spells "dictionary" suggesting we should go look it up in the dictionary
>I think thats bullshit
>One day I walk up to his desk and ask how to spell dictionary
>teacher spells dictionary
>thank him and return to desk
Man that pissed him off.

I recently had a conversation that went like this:
A: "3.14% of sailors are pi rates."
B: "When calculating the circumference of the Earth, do they use the formula 2p(arrrrrrrr)?"
A: "I think so. Pirates DO excel in the field of mathematics, as they are constantly searching for 'X'"
I thought it was funny

A mathematician, a physicist, a chemist, a biologist, a computer scientist, a philosopher and an engineer have been asked the following question: "Are all odd numbers prime?"
The mathematician says: "9 isn't."
The physicist says: "Well 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, let's disregard 9 as an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, well yes, they're all prime."
The chemist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... yes, they're all prime."
The biologist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime so yes, they're all prime."
The computer scientist says: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime..."
The philosopher says: "No because 2 is even and prime."
Explaination:
Mathematician is normal.
Physicist thinks anything that doesn't match his theory is an experimental error.
Chemist can't into math.
Biologist can't into rigor.
Computer scientist has bugs.
Philosopher can't into formal logic.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are sitting a test. The first question is, "Are all odd numbers prime?"
The mathematician thinks, "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime - the answer is no."
The physicist thinks, "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime - that could just be experimental error - 11 is prime, 13 is prime - yes, all odd numbers are prime."
The engineer thinks, "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime..."
The Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
The Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
The Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
The Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
The Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
The Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
The Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
The Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
The Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
The Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
The Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...

The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).
Albert Einstein was just about finished his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation to Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air. On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him. The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. "What symbol should I use for the speed of light?" he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purpose. Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked as he lowered his dark sunglasses, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is zery fast?" The woman smiled at Einstein (which, by the way, made his heart sink) and replied, "Si."
And know you know the rest of the story.

Top 10 reasons to Date and Engineer
They are used to all nighters
They are always willing to experiment
They know how to increase and decrease friction
They know all about heat transfer
They do it with more torque
Engineering couples have better moments
They know how to deal with stress and strain
They know how to test their rigid cantilevers
"Lubrication, friction, and wear" is a class
They design and build large erections

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.
_____________________________________
Jupiter Scientific is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:

WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.

NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.

HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.

NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.

DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.

NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.

EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.

GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.

IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.

QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.

DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.

AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.

USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

one day God asks Satan how it's going.

Satan replies, "the engineer is great!

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- send him up here."

Satan? says, "No way. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Physics Joke 39:
Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.