Valhallen Stories

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Lunchtime Jam
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>Be Valhallen
>Drumming a sick beat on the lunchroom table
>Amy covers her ears
>"Val... could you tone it down a bit?"
"No way, hooker! I've got the rhythm in me right now!"
>Pssh. Women.
>"Seriously, Val... it's starting to get on my nerves."
"I'm Batman!"
>Continue playing, whipping out stuff you'd only hear if Metallica suddenly started playing drums with both their hands and their dicks
>Here comes the best part!
>Pound the table, knocking Amy's chocolate milk onto her lap
>"Val! Are you serious right now?"
"I'll sell out like Hatsune Miku at a brothel, baby. You can't control me!"
>Suddenly Brad and Soren arrive with their lunch
>"Dude," Brad says, "You're hardcore."
"Zeus just called. He's pissed cause I stole all his thunder."
>"Hold on!" Soren says, whipping out his guitar. "I think we can make a song out of that!"
>Continue to rock, drinking the rest of Amy's chocolate milk
>How can one man be so good?
>Oh, maybe because he's Val mother effing Hallen.
>"Val," Brad says, "I think we may have stumbled upon our best song yet."
"Our best song better call Poseidon 'cause we're on fire!"
>Yup. Feels good, man.

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Battle of the Musicians
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>Be Valhallen
>Three girls walk into the lunchroom and start singing
>They're trying to turn this into a battle of the bands thing
>OK. Can't touch Val friggin Hallen.
>All of a sudden, some gray chick comes over.
>"I can easily beat your putrid excuse for music!"
>Toss my chair
"You cum-guzzling hussy! I will wreak havoc on your prissy stringy instrument! Do you hear me?! I will drop my beat on you like Thor's Hammer, both musically and physically! Do you know who I am? I'm the drummer this school needs, but not the one it deserves!"
>"Whoa! OK! Sorry! I didn't mean to offend--"
"Don't try getting out of this one, hairy nips! I will shove my drumsticks down your bagpipe until it comes out the other end and you're farting God Save the Queen! Do you hear me, or are your girly ears too small to hear what I'm saying? They're already too weak to know what good music is!"
>"Alright! I'm sorry! Please, just stop--"
"You want a battle? Call up Ares, cause I'll give you something harder than a diamond in Alaska, and I'm not talking about my dick!"
>She runs away with her tail between her legs
>Sit down on Amy's seat (she's probably not using it anyway) and drink a powerade
>Hoes are crazy nowadays

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Another Day of School
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>Be Valhallen
>Late for class
>You do what you want
>"Valhallen," Vice Principal Luna says, as you pass her in the hall, "you'd better hurry. Class has already started."
"F*ck your couch."
>"Val!" Mr. Doodle says, coming out of his classroom. "You're late! Get in here!"
>Whoa. Authority. Better do what he says.
>Get into class
>"Decided to take the long way today?" Rainbow Dash says with a smile.
"Decided to be a failure to your family again today?"
>Rainbow Dash frowned and stared gloomily down at her desk
>You were right
>"Now," Mr. Doodle says, "can anyone tell me why the Roman Empire fell? Valhallen?"
"Uhh, Mister, can I go to the bathroom?"
>"No. You had all the time in the world to--"
"But Oceanus decided to wait till now to rage a storm in my dick!"
>"Fine! Just go!"
>You walk out of class and laugh
>You ain't goin back in.
>You really did have to use the bathroom, though
>As you unzip your pants at the urinal, you see a girl with green hair stumble out of a stall, her eyes beet red
>"Whoa, dude," she says. "When did they put urinals in the girls room? We can't use those."
>She then giggles hysterically
>You zip back up and march over to the hemp'd up hooker
"You ill-mannered harlot! Do you have any idea where you are? Probably not, since your little girly brain can't handle two different bathrooms. Let me fill you in on a little something. This is MY swamp! Now get out before I turn this into the next Titanomachy!"
>"The next what?" She giggles again. "You're a funny dude. Do you have like a dollar I could borrow? I have a serious case of the munchies right now."
>You then pick her up, put her over your shoulder, walk out out of the bathroom and drop her
"I'm Rick James," you say before returning to your leak.
>Can't no class teach you how to be

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It's Party Time
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>Be Valhallen
>In Brad's car, on your way to a party
>"Dude, I'm so glad you came," he says. "I might get a little tipsy tonight, so I'll need my right-hand man to drive me home."
"Can't no party contain me."
>"Awesome, 'cause we're here."
>The two of you get out and enter the party
>It's a house filled with loud music and teenagers holding red cups
>"OK, Val, remember, if I tell a girl I like what she's wearing, that means there's a good chance I can get it off of her, in which case I'll need to fly solo for a bit. Keep your phone on you in case I strike out and need to find you. Also, call after like 10 minutes so I can fake an emergency if I need to get out of there."
"It's not faking if she's a crazy hooker."
>"That's what I like to hear!"
>Suddenly, a girl with pink hair and a butterfly necklace walks by
>"Hey, Fluttershy," Brad says.
>"Oh, hi, Brad," she responds. "H-have you seen Rainbow Dash around? I guess I must have lost her."
>"No, I haven't, but why don't you hang with me while we look? I love the necklace, by the way."
"Necklaces are gay. I'm gonna go grab some punch."
>You walk over to the punch bowl, leaving Brad to his "business"
>You take one sip and nearly spit it back out, jerking at the heavy flavor of whatever was in it
"You think you're tougher than me, you prissy faggot drink? Don't you know who I am? I'm Val mother effin' Hallen!"
>You grab the whole punch bowl and start draining it into your mouth
>"Whoa! Check it out, guys!" Rarity shouts. "Valhallen's drinking a sh*tload of punch!"
>Once you finish it all, you slam the bowl to the floor, breaking it in pieces
>People applaud you like a God
>Which you are
>You're Val friggin' Hallen
>Suddenly, your phone starts to ring
"Brad, I just--"
>"Yeah, yeah, something about Hercules. Listen, it turns out Fluttershy isn't drunk. Where can I find you?"
>You look around, but everything is all fuzzy
"Brad... I think I've been poisoned."
>"Wait, have you been drinking?"
"It was no match for me."
>"Dang it, Val! I thought you were gonna drive me home!"
"You can come with me to Tartarus."
>"Ugh... Well, I'm gonna talk to some more girls, then. I'll come find you later."
"Later."
>You then hang up and immediately feel like you're gonna throw up
"Hey, twigdick," you say to Featherweight.
>"What does that even mean?" he says angrily.
"Where's the bathroom? Tell me or I'll kill your firstborn."
>"It's down the hall and to the right."
>You stumble your way there before tripping over someone's foot
>Suddenly, your head is throbbing worse than ever
>You get up and the whole room is spinning
"End of the hall... to the right..."
>You can't tell which direction is right, but you choose a direction and stick with it
>You open a door and enter a dark room
>It's cramped...
>Really cramped...
>"Uhhh, hi."
"What? Who's there?"
>"My name's Twilight. Are you the boy Rainbow Dash sent in?"
"What?"
>"To teach me about... um... seven minutes in heaven?"
"Why must women ruin even a simple trip to the bathroom?"
>"...Excuse me?"
"You know what? I don't need a restroom anymore. I'll use you."
>"Wait, what?! Rainbow Dash! It's been seven minutes! Let me out!"
>You suddenly vomit all over Twilight, getting about a liter of bile all over her clothes and hair
>"AAAAHHH!!! I--YOU--EWW! GET ME OUT! GET ME OUT!"
>You hunch over and vomit again, spraying her shoes
>"RAINBOW DASH! IF YOU DON'T LET ME OUT, I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN!"
"It's like Odin is playing a trick on me!"
>Suddenly, the door opens up and the two of you fall over
>You look up and see Norman looking down at you, the entire party surrounding the door
>"Hey, Rainbow," Norman says, "C-can I get a new partner?"