NOTE: This series of posts is 100% related to idols. It thoroughly explains why I like AKB and Idols, and also about the greatest experience of my life, a dream I had last night about being an idol.

I had a dream last night where I was an idol. It was the most blissful experience of my entire pathetic existence. I can't think of anything near as good as that dream. Not even through a nostalgic lens does anything come close to my dream last night. There are four great events I  think of as the greatest experiences of my life. This dream truly eclipsed them.  I think of me being six years old and playing Super Mario RPG for the first time. I bought Mario RPG  on my 6th birthday. I had been saving money, and also received some money for my birthday. It was the first real thing I ever bought. I'm sure I bought candy or small toys before that, but Mario RPG was the first thing I ever really bought. I remember getting the slip at Toys R US, they used to have all of the games behind a case, and they would have slips in front of the case for each game. You would take one and give it to the cashier.  I even have this vivid memory of walking down the aisle to get the Super Mario RPG slip. I think it cost something like $70 back in 1996. Crazy expensive compared to games these days. $70 in 1996 has the same buying power as $107.86 in 2016. Would you pay $107 for a video game? It was worth every dollar though. Thinking back now, that game taught me how to read. I think Super Mario RPG and Earthbound are the sole reason why I was able to do so well in Elementary school. Whereas my peers had never learned to read, I was playing Earthbound when I was 5 and Mario RPG when I was 6. It gave me a false sense of superiority, and whereas I exceeded in Elementary School, and was still top of the class in Middle School also, everyone had caught up in High School and my whole existence came crashing down. I was never intelligent. I just learned to read faster than my classmates. I'm of below average intelligence really. I learned that very quickly in High School. That combined with being addicted to World of Warcraft really ruined my life. Such a pathetic excuse.

Anyway, I usually think of this pure nostalgic experience of me playing Super Mario RPG on Sunday Morning as a 6 year old and fighting Croco and Mack, and then going through the sewer. How pathetic. That is is my greatest life experience? The other three are just as pathetic. When I saw the first Pokemon Movie for the first time. The line was wrapped all the way around the exterior of the movie theater. Does that sort of thing still happen for movies these days? I don't go to the movie theater ever. The last movie I saw in a theatre was 127 hours, and it was during a weekday at like 2PM and there were about 4 other people there. I don't know why I even wanted to see 127 hours, I think its because I really liked some of the directors other movies. Anyway, back to Pokemon: The First Movie.  I went with this rich kid from my class's family. His parents were doctors or something. I moved after 4th grade so I never learned what happened to all of those people. We ate at burger king, and I got this fake golden pikachu coin from the kids meal. We sat in the front row, I had to tilt my head back to watch properly, sitting in the front row was not a good idea. I never made a single friend after I moved at the end of 4th grade. Not through my entire schooling, or any of the wage slave jobs I've worked. Do friends in Final Fantasy XI or World of Warcraft count?

I was 12 or 13. It was during the summertime. Kiki's Delivery Service was randomly aired on Disney channel late night. I didn't know what Studio Ghibli was. I liked anime. Dragon Ball Z, Yu Yu Hakusho, Ruroni Kenshin all that stuff that was aired on Toonami. And of course I really liked Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, but watching Kiki's Delivery Service was what really made me like anime, and the first thing that made me want to be a cute little girl. Kiki's Delivery Service really ruined my life. I remember watching the movie with more intensity than anything else I've ever done in my entire life. Every second of it was perfect. I wanted that life. I wanted to be a cute girl. I hated myself. I hated everything. It felt like time had completely stopped. My entire brain must have been rewiring. I wanted to be a cute girl so bad. I watched that movie with my mouth agape. If I had gone to bed a proper time I would have never seen it. It  aired late night during the summertime. Maybe if I had gone to bed at a proper time I would have never seen Kiki's Delivery Service. I might have became a normal person. Who am I kidding? I hadn't made a single friend since I moved after 4th grade, I would have never been a normal person. It was the most crushing introspection of my pathetic existence when Kiki's Delivery Service finished airing. I paced back and forth in my room in the middle of the night. I hated myself so much, why wasn't I born a girl? I wanted to be a cute girl. I wanted to be so much. Why? This was honestly more memorable than the others, but it was such a crushing experience. It was great and beyond despair. It started my lifetime daydream of being a cute girl. I made every MMO character a cute girl. I pretended to be a girl in FFXI, and in World of Warcraft. I pretended to be a girl on the internet everywhere. I wanted it so bad. Why wasn't I born a girl? You can't pretend to be a girl on the internet anymore. Social Media is everywhere. You need voice comm in MMOs, but back then you didn't even need a fake picture. It was the best. I would come home from school and pretend to be a cute girl in MMOs all day long. What the fuck is wrong with me. What the fuck. It's easy to see why I moved onto anime and idols.

 Thanksgiving 2010. It was deathly cold. Snow was falling all day. I had no job. I sat in my room ignoring my family. I hate them. I always have. My room's window was open and the arctic air rushed in all day. I sat wrapped in multiple blankets watching Eden of the East. I didn't watch it when it was airing. I was too busy pretending to be a girl in World of Warcraft probably. I don't really like the show all that much. I don't even know if it would make my Top 25 anime. There is something about the atmosphere of that day though. I sat there wrapped in blankets watching the show. It was good enough and maintained my interest. The cold air combined with my fortress of blankets mixed together for the perfect atmosphere. I'd periodically lift up the blanket covering my window and stare out at the snow progressively falling. When my family had left and gone to sleep I exited my room. I had watched the entire show in succession without a break. I opened our back door and sat in the snow for a long time. I did nothing. I thought nothing.  It was dark, but not really. When it snows at night it never really gets too dark. Probably from the streetlights and whatnot reflecting off the snow. What the fuck do I know, I'm uneducated.  What I do know though is that it was perhaps the only moment in my life that my brain had stopped overthinking of a second. I'm always paranoid. My brain never shuts the fuck up. I'm hypochondriac beyond belief. But in that time my brain shut up and I sat there in the dark, in the snow. And I still wanted to be a cute little girl.

Last night I had the greatest experience of my life. It was a pathetic dream where I was an idol. I rarely remember my dreams. I want to say I rarely dream, but apparently that is untrue. Everyone dreams every night apparently, it's just you don't remember you dreams. Anyway. I rarely dream.

I think it's important to say that last night before I went to bed I was watching footage from Tokyo Idol Festival 2016. Trying to see if there were any groups of interest that I should look into. I didn't find much, but I'm pretty sure this is the catalyst for me having the greatest experience of my life. Before I fell asleep last night I was daydreaming about being an idol. I do this every night. It's not always about  being an idol, but it's usually about me being a cute girl, or some fantasy from an anime or show I was watching. I can't fall asleep normally. My brain won't let me. I think of what a pathetic existence I am, it won't shut up. I have to pretend I'm something else. I have to fantasize about a different life. It takes me an hour to fall asleep usually, and it's been like this as long as I can remember.

My dream last night.

I was a cute girl. I had a short bob-like haircut. Black Hair. I prefer long hair, but it doesn't even matter. I'm crying right now. The dream was everything I've ever wanted. I was really cute. I was wearing a white T-Shirt, suspenders, and shorts. I looked so cute. There was some sort of giant convention or event. It started with me in a giant waiting room. There were many groups of idols, the room was absolutely full of people. I was talking to the other members of my idol group. It wasn't a large group, 5 members. It wasn't a lucid dream, but I was aware that I had become a cute girl. I was so incredibly ecstatic that I had finally magically became a cute girl. I was on pure cloud 9. We finished our conversation, and I broke away from the group.  I walked through the waiting room. It was huge, there were other cute girls everywhere getting ready for something.

I exited the room and entered a massive hallway. It was absolutely full of people. It resembled a giant hallway in an airport. Incredibly bright and white. It was shaped like a half circle. The left side was straight, and the right side was curved into the circle. On the left side there was little shops and benches all down it. People were absolutely everywhere. I walked through the crowd. I was so absolutely happy that I had finally became a cute girl. This isn't an after impression, inside the dream I was aware that I had always wanted to be a cute girl and had finally became one. I continued to walk through the hall. I entered a small airport style miscellaneous merchandise and book store. I looked around for a little while, and left without getting anything. I continued to walk down the hallway. About halfway through I stopped and talked to an airport staff member for a minute. They were black. Pretty fat. Didn't seem like a bad person though. I continued to walk down the hallway. I was practically skipping. I was so cute looking and perfect. It was the greatest.

Suddenly I had to go the bathroom. The line for the woman's restroom was pretty long. There was another line for the men's room next to me. I looked down the men's line while I waited. They were all such ugly, fowl creatures. I was so happy that I had finally became a woman. I was at the front of the line, I opened the door to enter the woman's bathroom and I woke up.
I had to go to the bathroom in real life. I had slept about 5 hours. The dream was flowing through my head. It was beaming from every brain cell. It was the greatest thing I had ever experienced. I wanted more of that dream. It was perfect. I didn't want to be me anymore. I wanted more of that dream. I wanted more of that dream. I had to go the bathroom, but I didn't care. I needed more of that dream. I didn't get up to go to the bathroom. I needed more of that dream. I raced it through my mind desperately trying to fall asleep and experience more. I fell asleep.

I was a cute girl once again. It was a miracle. I was still a cute girl. I still was wearing that white t-shirt, the suspenders, and the cute shorts. I still had black hair and a bob style cut. It was pure bliss once again. I was outside though. There were skyscrapers everywhere.  I was nervous about something. I knew something bad was about to happen. I hurried inside a building. I was incredibly scared, but at the same time once again in the dream I was aware I had become a cute girl once again and was elated beyond belief. I entered a giant skyscraper. There was a giant lobby. It was truly futuristic and sleek. There were these crazy holographic monitors and a clean, white, crisp feeling. The walls of the building were all glass and you could see the street and buildings outside. There were people everywhere. Both inside the building and outside on the street.  There was a staircase spiraling upwards. I was so happy that I was a cute girl. I waited around for a little while while basking in being a cute girl. I met up with another member of my idol group. She had drill-style twin tails. Really long hair. She was really cute too. I wanted to hold her hand and kiss her. We were panicked about something. We began to hurry up the stairs. Missiles started going off everywhere. I looked through the glass walls of the building at buildings around us getting hit by missiles everywhere. The ground began to shake violently after each it. I lost my balanced and fell on the stairs multiple times. We continued to hurry up the stairs, but I kept falling down as the ground shook violently. Our building began to get hit with missiles in the lobby below us. We hurried up the stairs. And then it happened. The winding, spiraling staircase got hit directly by a missile. The pathway was cut in half. In front of me was my idol-group friend, and i was stuck on the below half of the stairway. She was crying out to me, extending her hand trying to get me across the gap the missile had blown out. I woke up.

I had to go to the bathroom. I had slept another hour. I wanted more of the dream. More please. I didn't care. I raced the dream through my mind more and more. I was a cute girl finally, why did the dream have to end. Please, I needed more. I was finally a cute girl. I fell sleep a final time. I was a cute girl again. Still just as cute. It was different though. I was waiting in line for the bathroom again. I was in the women's line. I basked in the glory of being a cute girl, but REALLY had to go to the bathroom. I was pacing inline, I had to go to bathroom so bad. I was really antsy. It was finally my turn. I went to enter the bathroom, but when I opened the door suddenly I was me. I was a disgusting male once again. My entire world collapsed. I woke up. I slept another 30 minutes. I REALLY had to go to the bathroom. I couldn't hold it. I got up with the dream racing through my mind. It was the greatest experience of my life. I went to the bathroom and went right back to bed. I was daydreaming intensely about my dreams before. I wanted to be a cute girl so bad, I wanted more of it. I wanted desperately to fall asleep again and be a cute girl once again. I lied in be daydreaming about my dream trying to spark it once again. I couldn't fall asleep. I wasn't tired at all. I continued to fantasize about my dream. I ran it through my head over and over. I could remember everything about my dream. I somehow managed to fall asleep once again,  I slept for about 30 minutes more without dreaming anything else and was completely awake. I microwaved some frozen lasagna and paced back and forth daydreaming about the greatest experience of my entire life.
The dream had felt so real. I really felt like a cute girl. I'm crying again. It was perfect. Usually my dreams feel so disconnected, especially after I wake up and everything becomes a jumbled mess. But this dream, it was so real. I felt like a girl for real. I was so cute. It was perfect. It was the greatest experience of my life. Nothing will top this. There is no way.
When a normie talks about their greatest experiences in life it is probably something like a great adventure they had with a friend. I've never had a friend since I moved at the beginning of 5th grade. Not a single friend. Or maybe a trip they went on, I've never traveled. I really want to go to Japan once I get better at Japanese to see some idol concerts though. Or perhaps a romantic moment from their partner or lover. I've never had a friend, of course I'm a kissless, handheldless virgin. Or maybe even a great triumph in their work. I've only ever worked shitty wageslave jobs. I've never played a sport outside of little league baseball one year in 5th grade, and I quit because I couldn't become friends with any of the other kids and always felt awkward (even though I was a really good first basemen and hitter. I used to spend a ton of time walking back and forth hitting a ball around when I was a kid. I stopped after I learned I could never fit into a baseball team). My greatest life experience is a shitty dream where I was finally a cute girl. Absolutely pathetic.