September 18, 2014
Brian,
Trying not to think about you was the worse idea I have ever had. This is the third letter today, only one that made it to my computer, seeing as the others are written down. I forgot what writing was like. It's nice though, thanks. Giving me someone to write to, or someone that has a chance of seeing me again.
I'm scared to read the first letter I wrote to you today, I don't remember it, but to be honest I don't remember much from this morning..
They told me I had a break down, Brian. In the girls restroom because it was out of soap.
I guess that is what did me in.
The girl who found me, called Dr. Logan because I have her in there as my emergency contact. She came and picked me up from school and took me to my place. She told me to stop in and grab whatever I wanted, because I was going away fro a while. I grabbed my computer, ya know what's worse then losing my tumblr or my skype? I mean.. my WHOLE life was on both of those. But it would be losing my computer. It's the only way I can get a hold of you.
So, I grabbed this. A few items of clothing, my favorite pillow and blanket put it in a bag and I'm gone for a few days. Just me, and these 24 other crazy people, but... most importantly just me, working on me. She put me in on a 5 day hold. If I don't get better, or.. uhm, she and the doctor I will be working with in here, do not feel like I will be better then it will be a two week hold. She told me, it only goes up. And that I have to want this, or I could be here a long time.
You know, I cheated this morning.. but only because my phone had stayed logged into Skype, because it's stupid. I saw your messages. You said, "you just had to tell me, I'm here." And when I didn't answer, and (I assume?) you realized I was gone already, you told me you hoped I found happiness with or without you.
I know I'm not really in a place to ask you for anything but, don't say that. "With or without me".. not unless you mean it. I know this is my fault, B. But don't say it, unless you mean it. Because, if I had my way.. I'd have you. I'd show you.
I told Dr. Logan everything, which is why she decided to put me in here, for my own good - she said. Told me that it's common for people clinically depressed to lose sight of themselves, to feel like someone else is taking them over and are inside of them controlling them. She said it's common because we feel sad 97% of the time, but that 3% we don't.. we think we're getting attacked, or we look at ourselves like we're someone different. You got my 3% B, and sometimes you saw my 97%, but I always hid it.
My horoscope said, "today is the first day of the rest of your life, Aquarius."   That scares me, I don't want that. Because it's the first day I don't have you. Dr. Logan doesn't believe in horoscopes, so when I told her she just shook her head. Then she said, "it doesn't mean it's the first day of your life because Brian and you aren't together, Kylie. It means it's the first day of your life because you're finally getting help."
I told her about the letters, too. She read most of them, I'm sorry if that upsets you. But I was hiding things from her too, and I couldn't talk. I had to get to her somehow, I had to let her know. She told me it was bothersome how much I differentiated that "person" inside of me, but that I wasn't crazy. And as long as I learn how to work through problems and work through things I should be able to control myself better, and feel like I am just Kylie and then everything else I have worked for, and everything I am going to continue to work for will fall into place.
She told me I was getting better, but something took a turn and when it did I just kinda lost myself but that it doesn't mean I have to lose everything.
I am sorry, I wish I could talk to you. I would come back in a heartbeat, but I can't. We can't use the internet, it's not an option here. But I get to write to you. And I will everyday I am in here, and when I get out you'll be the first to know. I'll show you these.  I hope I get out of here in 5 days, it's just intense therapy for 5 days.. I mean, she said it would be different then when they were detoxing me. I can't get out before then, though. It's the weekend, so the earliest I can get out is Monday.
Scares me, what if they keep me longer and I don't get to talk to you for a while? I miss you Brian, even if you don't want me. I just want to see you say hi. I just need to see you type something to me. Or just maybe hear your voice. God, what I wouldn't give just to hear you say my name.
You're all I've thought about and talked about, to anyone who'll listen. I don't even like people, B. But I tell them about you. It's what I should have done before.
I'm scared I won't get home soon enough that.. you'll forget me. You'll hate me. Or, you'll just not want to talk to me.
I can't believe it.. Soap. Do you know how stupid that is? Soap.

I remember some of the car ride. I had woken up late, which was weird because I had slept -so- much. But I woke up late and I was rushing here. And yeah, I was driving pretty fast. I think I was so out of it though, I don't remember driving. I remember listening to music and I freaked out because everything was a Brian song. Just every song made me think of you, the lyrics or the memory of what we were doing while I was listening to it. So I remember I turned it off. And when I got to school, I went to my first class? And then the bathroom. The rest is a blur, really, until Dr. Logan got there. She wouldn't tell me what I was doing, and she won't.
Every time I asked her all she said was that I just needed to focus on getting better, so I can go home.
Everything is going to be okay, you promised you'd still be my friend, right?  Or you'd at least still talk to me, right? Did you mean that, Brian? Did you mean those things? Because, I love you.
And I won't say it anymore if you don't want to hear but I do, I just need you in my life. However you'll have me. The uhm, "crazy kylie who won't leave me alone" or the "stupid insane kylie who lives me" or the "kylie that is annoying" or ya know, "just kylie". I want this, for you. You and me.
You're my everything, Brian. I fucked up I know, and I should have explained myself better. I am so scared you're not gonna be here when I get out. You're not gonna want anything to do with me. I am terrified. But, I'm gonna try. I wish I could just sleep through these five days but, I know I can't. I have to go to five sessions a day and at least one after dinner. Which I am about to go to, the one after dinner.
I'll write to you tomorrow, B.
I love you.
Your babygirl, Kylie.
+
September 18th/19th 2014 ??
Da-- Brian.
I just woke up from this dream I had about you. I miss you, so much. I just want to crawl into your arms. I know this isn't for the best, but right now I don't want the best. I just want you.
I want you and me to be okay. I want you to be okay. I want to be okay.
I'm so scared you won't want me around anymore. You won't want me to be there at all, you won't want to be here at all. I just can't handle you never talking to me, you never wanting me again. I'm so scared B.
Do you know this fear? It feels like my whole world is gone, has fallen through the cracks and I can't piece any of it together. I want to be home now, I wish it was Monday morning so I could get an evaluation and hopefully get out of here. You know what I fear the most? I won't pass my evaluation. And you'll forget me. What if you forget me, babes?
Please don't forget me.
I need you, okay? I want to be yours. I want to be good enough for you, I'm gonna get better and get out of here on Monday morning and come straight to you. And just be there, as long as you want me.
I don't want to think about the "what if" so I'm not going to.. even though that is the reality. I'm not going to. I'm sorry, but I can't. I am going to write to ou in a positive way.. not the "what if" way.
I can't wait to get home, and just sweep you away. I'm gonna be the best Brian, I'm gonna love you with all of me. I'm gonna get better.
I love you, okay?
Kylie<3
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Spetember 19th, 2014
Hey B.
Dr. Logan came this morning, brought me her sets of Criminal Minds, I had told her how much I loved this show. It gives me something to do now. And, I made a "friend" at breakfast, she's strange. But the only one that would listen to me.. I was telling her about you and eggs, that was our breakfast. Cheese and eggs. She listened, she told me that the way I talked about you made her feel lonely, so I stopped.
I feel weird, writing these letters to you. I shouldn't do this, should I? I guess I'm just so scared that when I get outta here, you're not gonna be there. And this will be all I have. These few days of just thinking you're gonna be waiting for me.  It's like two emotions are all I feel anymore, fear and love.
B.. What do you think of me?
Dr. Logan asked me why I was trying so hard, this morning when she came. I went to all 12 of the sessions, even the late night one. I told her, I wanted to get better. You were my goal, remember? /Brian./  I told her that I just wanted to get back to you, even if it is just for you to tell me goodbye. I just need to see you one more time.  It's so stupid of me.
I dreamed about you, last night. There is this man... he's a nymphomaniac (I'm not sure on the spelling.) In one of the sessions, when it was his turn to talk, he told us stuff. Lots of stuff.
Made me miss you more. My dream was .. intense. This is inappropriate, I know. I'll stop.
..uhm.  Tomorrow scares me the most, she won't come to see me, it's a Saturday. BUT. She said she had to come in on Sunday, and that if I promised to stay called in for Sunday night, and since I have work off on Monday she would be willing to give me the whole day to myself and move it to a 3 (kinda 4 day actually)-day hold.. as long as I made it through today and Saturday strong and passed my evaluation. But, tomorrow is my first alone day, ya know.
A real alone day. There won't be anyone there.
Just me. And all these people. (And my Criminal Minds, I guess.)
I've been texting BLady, her name is Becca by the way. She said she wanted to come and see me,  I told her I would prefer if she didn't. She's mad at me, ya know. For what happened. I told her everything. She said I was a damn idiot. And I know she'll talk about it when we're together, too, and I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I can't hate myself enough. She said I should be prepared for what could happen in these 5-days (hopefully 3 now?) that you could forget me, hate me, move on. And that I needed to be prepared. I don't want to be, I just want to believe you'll love me. It's childish, I know. But, I can't help it. I need a silver-lining in all of this, B.
Dr. Logan wants to know what I think I'll accomplish from all of this. I told her I hoped it would be just being able to show you how much I do love you. Maybe make you believe me.
Well, you know what mean.
All of this medicine makes me feel weird, I feel like I am all over the place, and I'm really sick to my stomach. I just feel weak. It's like a sleeping pill (and with my low medicine tolerance, that bad boy fucked me up Brian. I took it last night at 9, and they had to drag me out of bed.), and Dr. Logan is trying me on a bit of a stronger medicine to help me with my depression. It's making me feel all weird.
But, lucky for you I have to go now, I'm sorry. It's time for "Arts" >.> I'm coloring a peace sign.  So this disaster can end now.
I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you.
Your Kylie.
 Hey B,
I know I already wrote a letter but.. I just I need to talk to someone. Bec's came by, she was here for 4 hours. All she did was yell at me, remind me of all the shitty things I did. I couldn't handle it, it feels like all my work, all my progress is gone. I'm so lost again.
I wanted to believe in having you back, as best as I could. I wanted to believe in having you, even just as a friend. Whatever you wanted, but I don't believe it anymore. It was stupid of me.
You deserve someone better then me in your life, Becca is right. I'm not good for anyone to be around. I don't deserve anyone - friend, lover or even my family.  I'm just not ok, I'm not an okay person.
My horoscope said, "go with the flow, Aquarius."  I looked up yours too, I always do. Just because ya know, you're my B-- You're Brian. I'm not gonna tell you yours, it's not a good idea. You wouldn't believe me anyway.   It's not bad, at all. It's just not worth it.
I'm gonna leave you alone tomorrow.. Well, you know what I mean. I'm still crossing my fingers for Sunday. I just miss you.
Nothing is okay, is it?  She's really right, isn't she? I'm not worth it, I don't deserve anyone.
You need the best and I am not that. I'm still going to send these to you Sunday (or Monday.. or whenever I get out.) I just want you to know I care, I do care. I (still) want to get better for you. I just need you to know.
I'll hopefully see you on Sunday. I can't stay in here much longer, I am so lost. In here and out there. I'm lost everywhere. But I know, Becca is right. I know, deep down, she is right.
Bye, B. I love you.
+
September 20th, 2014
I haven't been able to sleep, I the medicine knocked me out and when I woke up at about 2:30..heh. Strange enough. But, anyway, when I woke up I was wide awake. I'm just watchin' Criminal Minds, laying on this bed and I just... I want you.
Just to talk. Just to hear your voice, or to feel your arms wrap around me.
But, this is all I have right now.
Can I ask you a few questions, B? I-if it's okay?   I know you might never answer, but I'm gonna try anyway.
Uh, is this creepy of me.. To do? What do you think of me?
Ugh. I feel like such a freak, right now. I feel like you're gonna read these and it's gonna be weird. And I'm gonna ruin everything I wish I was saving right now.    Am I?
I wish it was tomorrow, so I could talk to Dr. Logan and take the evaluation. Then I could just... send you these, and hope you read them. Hope you talk to me. It's hard being away from you, Brian. Even if you hate me. It's hard, I'll take anything. Do you understand that? When I send these if you never read them. If you never talk to me again.. I'll just know I tried.  I'll be waiting for you, but I'll have tried.
I love you, so much. And I promise I'm not gonna write anymore.. until I get home so it isn't too much. And.. well.
Yours, Kylie<3
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September 21, 2014
Brian,
I don't think I get to come home today now. I am so scared. It's about three in the morning and I'm waiting for the morning so I can talk to Dr. Logan.
I hope she believes me, I hope she'll trust me.
I didn't do this, Brian. I know I didn't. But they're just not hearing me. And they won't tell me anything, don't they have to? I'm the patient, ya know. I'm the person that is here, no one else. Fuck. They won't tell me anything, they won't talk to me. They aren't listening to me.
It's like I'm invisible. Makes me remember this one time three cars backed into me, in one day... Or the feeling you get when you talk in a silent room and no one answers, or you look at someone and they look right through you. I've never felt more invisible then I do right now, though.
I was scared, I couldn't breathe. I was sitting in the lounge room, watching Criminal Minds. And I just couldn't breathe. I was gasping and gasping but there was nothing, and then I started trying to throw up, but I couldn't get anything out because my throat was so tight. It burned. I saw a lot of shit in those seconds.
A million things were going through my head, all at the same time. Gemma, Jon, you, Mom, Dad, life, work, school, my future. It was all going through my head. I was searching for a million happy memories but I couldn't find anyway, it was just fear after fear. I watched you all die, I watched my life fall apart, I saw myself dying.
It was bitter sweet, ya know? I had been trying to die for almost a year... I mean, really trying to die. Almost a year. And now it was happening and I didn't want to. I assume it was the way my thoughts had changed lately, and then ya know.. I promise you. And I was getting better, I had been feeling better. I mean, I made it through the whole Saturday. Did everything I was supposed to, I felt happier and healthier. (Don't get me wrong, I know I have a lot of work left. But I just mean in general. I hadn't ever felt better, and I feel like it is because I really want to get better this time.) I didn't want to die.
I don't know what happened, I passed out and when I woke up they were shoving charcoal down my throat.
My throat is raw and burns. My body is sore too, I feel kinda weak. The nurse said they thought I had OD'd but that they think it was an allergic reaction.
She's the only one that told me anything and after that I haven't seen her and no one else will talk to me. I just wish Dr. Logan was here. She would tell me. They have to know it was an allergic reaction.. don't they? I don't want to OD. I don't want to.. die. I just wanted to get home, Brian.
I need Dr. Logan to be here and make everything better. I need her to let me go home. I'm so cold, and everything is so dim. My head hurts too. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I have to stay and wait for her.
They have internet here, they brought all my stuff to me. So, I'm curled up in this chair listening to Drake and typing to you. I want to just log on Skype and try to talk to you. See if you're there, but I know that's not the right way to do this.
I know I have to wait, I am trying.  And I have to wait because it is this right thing to do, and not just that, but that's what my horoscope says too. For today it says, "you have a death-grip on a dream, Aquarius. The things we tend to want the most are also the things that tend to make us feel desperate to have them. But, you need to force yourself even in your darker moments to envision what you want and to believe that it is possible. Let go of the reins and allow the universe to lead you to your goal."
So I will do just that. With this, with everything right now. Getting out of here, talking to you. I'll wait, I'll let the universe lead me to my goals. Later this morning when I talk to Dr. Logan if things look okay, then I will be go home. If they don't, then I won't. I'll do the original plan, ya know. I'll talk to you when I get out, I'll let you see what I have to say, what I have to offer (so to speak) and I'll be your friend. You said.. friends and that this was over? Then, it is. It's what you want, what you need. And I have to let you have that, I can't force it and I won't try to.
Just, ya know.. Please, please, try to be something.. friend or acquaintances before you give up on me. Please. I will, hopefully, talk to you soon.  I love you. Wish me luck? Heh.
...let's restart?    Hey, I'm Kylie.