[1:33:18 AM] Alex: Like most people on rpc. I guess you could say i too have some issues. I like to think that i'm normal but there is alot of times when things happen that make me realize im not. I'm not crazy or anything. At least i don't think so, but i do have pretty extremem depression. Abandonment and connection issues.
[1:33:49 AM] Alex: I wasn't always like this. but throughout the years and with how people have been around my life. I realize now in my adult life that i do have these issues
[1:34:30 AM] Alex: My biological father didn't give two shits about me. Wouldn't give my mother who was a total foreigner with no money or language any money to get me, his son things to live.
[1:35:18 AM] Alex: He tried to kidnap, or kill probably i will never know, me. And in the end he was gone. I never met him, knew knew him, and found out two weeks ago that he passed away this January.
[1:37:23 AM] Alex: I was an only child with a mother who had to work her ass off really hard and a grandmother who somehow managed to get to america to help take care of me when i was a kid. The stress ended up giving her cancer which she almost died from. I cannot help but feel responsible for that. I was an only child until my step father came along when i was 9 and he married my mother. They had 2 daughters. And once they were born, plus family from over seas coming in to live with us. I was thrown to the back of the bus sort to speak. Nobody really cared about me like they did. It was all about the baby girls. The other family. Everybody else but me
[1:37:40 AM] Alex: I moved alot as a kid because of my step dad's work and as a result i couldn't make / keep friends.
[1:37:59 AM] Alex: English was my parents second language and because of this, i couldn't speak to them very well as English was my first
[1:38:54 AM] Alex: I couldn't communicate with their language cause i didn't know it. My cousin from overseas who was my age i couldn't talk to. He seemed to make friends but i couldn't. I don't know. Maybe i was too shy or whatever. My uncle bumped heads with my step dad alot and on my birthday while i was about to blow out a cake. they had a huge blowout
[1:39:03 AM] Alex: and just about my entire family left to go to a hotel to sleep
[1:39:39 AM] Alex: They didn't give a shit that it was my birthday or anythign. I was only 11. They ended up moving away and it was just us 5 again. But really it was a family of 4. I was like the hired help.
[1:40:12 AM] Alex: Chores, cleaning, taking care of the kids. Always doing shit for everybody. And at the end of it, i normally got yelled at or hit for things that weren't in my control.
[1:40:20 AM] Alex: My step father tried to fight me when i was 13.
[1:40:45 AM] Alex: Threw me to the ground and nearly punched me square in the face cause he thought i slammed a drawer on my step-sisters figners but i didn't
[1:41:35 AM] Alex: At 14 he forced me into work. And i've been working since. I'm almost 26 now. But when i was in my early teens. If i wasn't mowing the lawn or moving boxs from moving the house during all of my school breaks and summer
[1:41:47 AM] Alex: i was working. From 9 am till 11 pm at night every day
[1:42:40 AM] Alex: Once we went to my aunts house for a party. Bunch of family friends and their kids were there. Someone called out for work. My step dad came into my cousins room, made me leave all the kids and put me in the car. Drove to work. Dropped me off and then went back to the party. He left me there till nearly midnight
[1:42:51 AM] Alex: I went to 3 highschools because they moved alot.
[1:43:41 AM] Alex: I was bullied in my freshmen year, a girl i met who was new to public schools and I was her first friend, ended up getting in with the popular kids and laughing at me getting bullied
[1:44:32 AM] Alex: I threw the kid into a mailbox and knocked him out out of anger cause i finally had enough. But most of the time i rode the bus in the front. By myself just in the corner waiting till i got home. I couldn't go out to play with the kids cause either i was working, or my step dad was being a jerk. So i couldn't make friends in the neighborhood, and at school i couldn't fit in.
[1:45:15 AM] Alex: Around 14/15 i was emerged in the online world. It was the only source of freedom and friendship i could find. People from around the world that i could talk to or even relate to
[1:45:37 AM] Alex: But it was hard. My step dad was and is demanding and always had me working like some cinderella slave.
[1:46:09 AM] Alex: By the time i got the college. I knew maybe a handful of people that i couldn't really call friends. But i knew them from just sitting next to them in class and sharing notes.
[1:46:38 AM] Alex: But its hard to make friends in college. Everybody is either in their own clique or has a busy schedule. Nobody hangs around after the class is dismissed.
[1:47:02 AM] Alex: So socially it was down the drain. I dug deeper into work. I got into business with my step father out of him yelling about it
[1:47:49 AM] Alex: And for the last 6 years ive been a manager of several of his restaurants. I work 7 days a week, just about 363 days a year. usually 8 am till 6-10 pm
[1:48:09 AM] Alex: I dropped out of college to keep working and as a result i hardly have any friends irl.
[1:48:30 AM] Alex: at work i'm too nice. I try to make people laugh
[1:48:35 AM] Alex: be accomdating
[1:48:40 AM] Alex: help people. give advice. whatever i can
[1:49:04 AM] Alex: But like everyone else. The moment something better comes. They drop me faster than you can say what.
[1:49:24 AM] Alex: They act like they are friendly or friends with me. until something doesn't go in their favor and then you see their true colors
[1:49:42 AM] Alex: Working shows you how people really are. How they just see you as a tool. A means to an end.
[1:50:22 AM] Alex: I tried to push to get a relationship. Met a few girls from family friends. But they just ended up using me when they were bored, always replacing me with someone they deemed as hotter, or better.
[1:50:36 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: hn..
[1:50:41 AM] Alex: Online ironically the place i'm suppose to be free from all this. Same bullshit
[1:50:46 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: i'm sorry..
[1:50:48 AM] Alex: Use and ditch
[1:50:53 AM] Alex: use and ditch
[1:51:41 AM] Alex: I've known Cahi for i'd say 2 years now. She even had a big thing for me at one point. Things happened and she clearly has moved on. She even is now in a gf/bf relationship with someone from the room.
[1:51:50 AM] Alex: Which i don't mind. It's her life. but i figured we would still be friends.
[1:52:13 AM] Alex: Heck i even bought her text fades one day, cause i read how badly she wanted them. How she was determined to save money some day to get it for herself
[1:52:23 AM] Alex: so i felt bad and i bought it for her without telling her until dav told her
[1:52:34 AM] Alex: She was all happy and giddy for maybe half an hour?
[1:52:43 AM] Alex: After that day and onwards, she hardly speaks tome
[1:52:50 AM] Alex: Never says much only a few words.
[1:53:12 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: :/
[1:53:13 AM] Alex: Marley who i opened up to, telling her my story as I am you, to in hopes of making a good friend i can trust
[1:53:20 AM] Alex: She hardly talks to me now too
[1:53:49 AM] Alex: It just feels like. Everytime i attempt to befriend. To bring someone into my life. They use me and just leave me
[1:53:58 AM] Alex: If i don't call people or text them
[1:54:04 AM] Alex: They will never call or text me
[1:54:07 AM] Alex: I won't hear from anyone
[1:54:16 AM] Alex: My family, so-called friends, anyone
[1:54:23 AM] Alex: They only reach out to me when they "need" me
[1:54:42 AM] Alex: And i always have to stand their, doing what they need. Hearing about them wanting something else
[1:54:58 AM] Alex: I would say it's one of the worst feelings in the world to be "needed" but never "wanted"
[1:55:15 AM] Alex: Like to have you around cause you are a tool we need. But not to have you around because we actually want you here.
[1:55:26 AM] *** ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ hugs. ***
[1:55:28 AM] Alex: Its why when Robin williams died i thought how ironic it was
[1:55:30 AM] Alex: When he said
[1:55:46 AM] Alex: "Even tho i am surrounded by so many people. I feel the lonliest i have ever felt in my entire life."
[1:55:51 AM] Alex: I can relate to that.
[1:55:52 AM] *** Alex hugs ***
[1:56:01 AM] Alex: So yeah
[1:56:11 AM] Alex: When mods talk to me like I'm a nusiance for asking questions
[1:56:16 AM] Alex: or people shut me down
[1:56:30 AM] Alex: it just gets to me
[1:56:35 AM] Alex: Even tho to most people it shouldn't
[1:57:26 AM] Alex: Hell i met this one girl. She moved down to where i live. She was a family friend. SHe would call me to come to her house. I would be sitting on the sofa on one end and her on the other. Watching tv. Most of the time she would be on facebook or something and me just watching tv on her sofa.
[1:57:36 AM] Alex: Mon - thru this was the nightly routine cause she felt alone
[1:58:01 AM] Alex: Friday she would go to UCLA to party and get fucked up and flirt with the guys she liked. Only to come back sunday, call me over cause she was throwing up and sick. And to tell me about the guys she met
[1:58:05 AM] Alex: Never caring about how I may feel about her
[1:58:36 AM] Alex: It's hard, always standing in the background. Watching everyone else be happy. Everyone else fit in, when you never do.
[1:59:10 AM] Alex: I can't even call myself an outcast, cause i don't even fit in without casts. There is no category for me. I can't fit in irl. I can't fit in online. Despite me having met 1000's of people
[1:59:13 AM] Alex: Still nothing.
[1:59:29 AM] Alex: I have never. Once. Experienced what it feels like to be "wanted"
[1:59:57 AM] Alex: For someone to go out of their way to talk to me, or to bring me somewhere with them. Anything.
[2:00:11 AM] Alex: Fuck man
[2:00:29 AM] Alex: If i wasn't such a coward of dying painfully
[2:00:33 AM] Alex: I would have killed myself by now
[2:01:00 AM] Alex: Life most of the time feels very very pointless.
[2:01:23 AM] Alex: To work to get money to buy a home to live alone... to go places alone.. to experience life alone till you die.
[2:01:41 AM] Alex: Sure i can meet a few people. but i'll never have that "friends" or "desire" person in mylife
[2:02:26 AM] Alex: So yeah. When you wanted to suddenly cut ties with me, after i finally met someone online who would actually respond to me when i wrote to them. Or even cared to talk to me
[2:02:36 AM] Alex: My heart was beating in my chest so hard
[2:02:49 AM] Alex: I'm pretty sure i was getting some sort of panic attack
[2:03:32 AM] Alex: I dont want to know your irl name. I don't want to even know what you look like.
[2:03:43 AM] Alex: All i care is that you have an amazing personality
[2:03:46 AM] Alex: you are very nice to me
[2:03:55 AM] Alex: and you're very sweet when you want to be.
[2:04:06 AM] Alex: I could cling to that till i die.
[2:04:38 AM] Alex: Oh also fun side note. None of my family ever talks to me.
[2:04:50 AM] Alex: I have family an hour from me. They never call me. Not once. Ever.
[2:05:05 AM] Alex: I have family on east coast. They never call me. Not ever unless they need something
[2:05:15 AM] Alex: I have a cousin who got married. Adopted a kid. Had 2 more kids.
[2:05:19 AM] Alex: Has once to call me.
[2:05:22 AM] Alex: I even reached out to him
[2:05:24 AM] Alex: nothing.
[2:06:15 AM] Alex: My only hope now is that someday when i'm old and gray, i'll have nephews and nieces who will want to find and meet their uncle who lives on the west coast
[2:06:36 AM] Alex: But so far, life's keep a good track record for me. I don't forsee it happening.
[2:06:49 AM] Alex: So anyway
[2:06:51 AM] Alex: that's my story
[2:07:00 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: Thank you for telling me
[2:07:19 AM] Alex: I believe me when i tell you
[2:07:22 AM] Alex: I'm so sorry
[2:07:27 AM] Alex: :(
[2:07:58 AM] Alex: Oh another fun side note.
[2:08:12 AM] Alex: My family doesn't work. My sisters are almost 18. They have't worked a day in their lives
[2:08:24 AM] Alex: Never moved a home. Never did house chores.
[2:08:26 AM] Alex: Nothing
[2:08:36 AM] Alex: Meanwhile me? 100% opposite.
[2:09:17 AM] Alex: So now you know why I try so hard to make a character that works
[2:09:27 AM] Alex: To make something that i can play well with 100% knowledge
[2:09:31 AM] Alex: because i want to fit in
[2:09:42 AM] Alex: I don't want to rp and get turned away anymore I can't handle it.
[2:09:54 AM] Alex: I've tried alot in the room but i get ignored alot.
[2:09:58 AM] Alex: You're only person who rp'd back
[2:10:03 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: Really
[2:10:22 AM] Alex: Mhmm
[2:10:32 AM] Alex: I was on the verge of just quitting everything
[2:10:41 AM] Alex: until you suddenly replied to me
[2:11:02 AM] Alex: I stared at my pm box for over a minute cause i was stunned
[2:11:20 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: Heh..
[2:11:44 AM] Alex: You see how the mods are with me
[2:11:56 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: Well I've heard
[2:12:04 AM] Alex: Yeah heard i mean
[2:12:20 AM] Alex: When Cahi wanted to make her own room
[2:12:23 AM] Alex: I was the first person
[2:12:28 AM] Alex: To tell her i'd help her
[2:12:52 AM] Alex: I was the first one to join the new room. I told her to make the room named Pokemon. And just that only
[2:13:09 AM] Alex: She added the other mods.
[2:13:38 AM] Alex: Eventually we were in a skype chat together all of us and i was giving them ideas. Things to do that would be fun. To help the room grow.
[2:13:55 AM] Alex: I got shut down, just about always by Bach
[2:14:02 AM] Alex: and sometimes his wife would chime in too
[2:14:24 AM] Alex: Apparently they had tried the stuff i was suggesting. but they didn't say that until the ends of the arguments
[2:14:48 AM] Alex: They kept getting up set with me because they would tell me  "No we arn't doing that" and wondering why i was getting upset because i didn't know what they mean tiwth their answer
[2:15:26 AM] Alex: I asked lots of questions cause i was new to the pokemon universe rp. It had been a while since i played pokemon, but i still had mod experience. Cahi knows this.
[2:15:50 AM] Alex: Then out of frustration, Bach says that maybe i should step down as a mod because im still learning and they are trying to "teach" me
[2:16:26 AM] Alex: i got pissed off because he was so easily ticked. He said i should just learn to accept his yes or no answers. Like he didn't have to explain why or something. Maybe its military habbit idk.
[2:16:43 AM] Alex: Then i asked Cahi who i presumed was my friend if she really wanted me to step down
[2:17:10 AM] Alex: She said i should for at least a week till i get a "feel" of the room. which was pretty dumb to me since the room wasn't doing anything and the plot was empty.
[2:17:18 AM] Alex: It's been i think 4 weeks now?
[2:17:25 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: Hm
[2:17:30 AM] Alex: I haven't been re-modded
[2:17:41 AM] Alex: I offered to help a few more times. Pitched ideas
[2:17:41 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: Well shit
[2:17:46 AM] Alex: just shut down, shut down, shut down
[2:18:13 AM] Alex: I had questions about character creation. I was searching for a character i could be happy with. And i was constantly told blunt answers
[2:18:43 AM] Alex: gotten annoyed robot like replies cause they were annoyed at me lack of undernstanding
[2:18:58 AM] Alex: Hell cahi just posts my questions to the mods and has them respond. She don't even talk to me anymore
[2:19:30 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: That's shitty
[2:19:31 AM] Alex: When i bought her text fades. She said she was happy but felt bad cause she hasn't done anything for me and here i was being so kind
[2:19:38 AM] Alex: When in fact
[2:19:42 AM] Alex: 4 days before the text fades
[2:19:45 AM] Alex: no sorry a week before
[2:19:54 AM] Alex: i asked Cahi if she could make me a profile for blastoise
[2:19:59 AM] Alex: she was giddy about it and wanted to do it
[2:20:09 AM] Alex: everyday i asked how it's going if she needed any help with anything
[2:20:20 AM] Alex: She eventually admitted to not doing it and not wanting to
[2:20:35 AM] Alex: Even after i got her text fades. I wasn't expecting anything, but i figured she'd at least maybe think about
[2:20:41 AM] Alex: making me a profile. or re-modding. Something.
[2:20:45 AM] Alex: text fades are $30
[2:20:56 AM] Alex: i mean.. I was bieng nice
[2:21:10 AM] Alex: So a few days after i got her fades. i asked if she could help me make a cool profile
[2:21:16 AM] Alex: She just linked me all the sites with people
[2:21:21 AM] Alex: who had preprofiles
[2:21:44 AM] Alex: So yeah. Sense of abandonment
[2:21:48 AM] Alex: Very high.
[2:22:31 AM] Alex: I was mostly upset cause i was the first to offer my help. I wanted to do alot
[2:22:58 AM] Alex: Make a whole site to help new people. A cool pokedex of the people we have. Tons and tons of stuff.
[2:23:00 AM] Alex: All shot down
[2:23:13 AM] Alex: And now
[2:23:19 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: I don't understand people
[2:23:20 AM] Alex: When i ask questions for character creation
[2:23:26 AM] Alex: i get shit like this
[2:23:46 AM] Alex: If you go to Cahi, Bach or Marley and you need questions answered and you dont like what they said, dont come to me looking for a different one. I screenshot and copy all mod related conversations I have so they are on the same page.
[2:24:17 AM] Alex: If i get an answer and i ask another. It's not that i wanted another answer
[2:24:32 AM] Alex: It's cause i didn't understand the reason for your answer. So i'm hoping someone else could explain it better to me.
[2:24:47 AM] Alex: Maybe it just takes me longer to get something than usual.
[2:25:01 AM] Alex: I don't know
[2:25:09 AM] Alex: I was basically thrown out of the mod group
[2:25:24 AM] Alex: In the room. Everyone has their own little groups from the past. Mostly rping with themselves in their own plots.
[2:25:43 AM] Alex: So me trying to go in feels like im forcing them to accept me or pushing myself into something that i dont belong to
[2:26:03 AM] Alex: It's just fucking depressing
[2:26:05 AM] Alex: :/
[2:28:00 AM] Alex: Beginning stages of the room. The room was getting super small
[2:28:03 AM] Alex: So i loaded a few alts
[2:28:13 AM] Alex: Bach's wife practically warns me to remove them
[2:28:29 AM] Alex: so i did. Then i had just me and another alt in the room. I was asleep i was coding and i forgot.
[2:28:59 AM] Alex: Woke up to bach posting in another group chat not for mods saying jesus christ why do i have two characters with sceneraies. It's blinding people. Remove one.
[2:29:00 AM] Alex: etc. etc.
[2:29:10 AM] Alex: I couldn't and still can't understand the hostility towards me
[2:29:26 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: It's because you're "new"
[2:29:30 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: They are assholes
[2:29:42 AM] Alex: Probably
[2:30:24 AM] Alex: I couldn't understand why they wanted me to step down from being a mod
[2:30:30 AM] Alex: I told them that the room runes like any other room
[2:31:02 AM] Alex: Remove trolls. Remove nudity profiles. Help those who have questions. If i can't answer ask the other mods. Respectuflly asnwer people which i managed to do one time before i was asked to step down.
[2:31:09 AM] Alex: And that was over 2 other mods who had banned people
[2:31:15 AM] Alex: I never banned anyone and i was removed
[2:31:19 AM] Alex: so stupid.
[2:31:27 AM] Alex: Only cause i didn't know alot about pokemon at the time.
[2:31:39 AM] Alex: I know alot now, heck i know enough to make my own damn room.
[2:32:01 AM] Alex: I even went as far as to download a secondary team speak
[2:32:07 AM] Alex: and leave it like a bot in a pokemon room on team speak
[2:32:18 AM] Alex: so people from this rp could have their own private room on team speak to talk
[2:32:24 AM] Alex: Cahi told me to remove it
[2:32:25 AM] Alex: :/
[2:32:34 AM] Alex: That it was "stupid"
[2:33:12 AM] Alex: Anyway
[2:33:15 AM] Alex: Sorry for ranting
[2:33:39 AM] Alex: You didn't need to hear all that at 5 in the morning
[2:34:52 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: No it's fine
[2:35:18 AM] Alex: It's nice to get it off my chest
[2:35:23 AM] Alex: for someone to listen and belief me
[2:35:32 AM] Alex: To understand it's not me
[2:37:05 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: It's ok
[2:37:55 AM] Alex: <3
[2:39:37 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: I'm glad you feel better
[2:39:49 AM] Alex: Well.
[2:39:59 AM] Alex: I just hope you feel better and that i didn't completely ruin your night
[2:41:56 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: You're fine
[2:42:44 AM] Alex: Are you sure?
[2:44:54 AM] ɗʀəɑʍ əɑʇəʀ: Yeah
[2:45:35 AM] *** Alex hugs ***