First AiE ever part 1: Anon the glorious failure! (clop)

>Be Anon
>You've been in Equestria for all of 8 months now.
>Your status as the exotic scary new being in these parts had long since died down.
>Sorta
> And all it really took was some new near disaster involving a pretty pissed off sphinx and some thousand year old curse that had something to do with a plague of frogs.
>Whatever
>You totally helped out
>Although some damn yellow pegasus, Flutterbi or whatever, didn't really approve of your tactics of batting the frogs away like an MLB pro and yelling "TO THE MOOOOOOOONNNAAAAAH!!! BEEEEYAATCH!!!"
>Point was you had sorta become an accepted (read tolerated) member of society, even if there were the few who would still go out of their ways to avoid you
>Well, actually, they almost all do
>You don't mind much
>At least you wouldn't if you still had a computer and internet and Steam and...
>Now you're mostly just bored and admittedly a little lonely
>You took up the hobby of whittling in the mean time
>You still sucked at it
>You've been working with a local contracting business
>With Ponyville constantly being deconstructed, you were usually getting a pretty decent paycheck
>You had moved into a home on the outskirts of town a little ways away from a stream coming out of the Everfree
>Fishing was about the only source of protein you were really able to get around here other than eggs so you spent a lot of time at the waters edge
>On this particularly sunny morning you woke up stark naked as per your preferred sleeping style
>Another great perk of the contractor business was getting weekends and holidays off
>Today happened to be a Friday and some holiday in Equestria
>fuckyeathreedaysoff.jpg
>You pull on some clothes and head into the kitchen to start up some omelettes
>Garlic, tomatoes, onions, some cheese, green peppers, the works minus bacon
>God do you miss bacon
>After scarfing down some damn fine breakfast, you decide to go for a walk to the stream
>Nothing better to do really
>You've grown kinda fond of the place
>You grab your knife and a small block of wood that you fiddle with as you walk
>You stroll down the path from your house heading away from town a ways and take a sharp turn towards the stream
>Coming up to the edge of the water, you follow it towards the Everfree
>You arrive at your destination, a tree about 100 yards away from the edge of the Everfree
>A half mile or so south of here is where Flutter...whatever, lives with a metric fuck ton of animals
>You swear you heard a fucking bear roar from over there at one point
>She actually seemed like a pretty nice per-...pony.
>Still, she hardly said a word to you from day one and the whole thing with whacking frogs out of town while loudly vocalizing the 1812 Overture Finale (you had way too much fun that day) maybe turned her away from you even more
>Still, she seemed to kind of like keeping to herself and her small group of friends anyways and she didn't bother calling you out after the thing with the curse of the sphinx was done with, so why worry with it?
>You walk up to the tree and plop down in your favorite spot where it's roots meet the tree forming a perfect curve like the back of a chair
>You've been coming to this same spot long enough, you've worn the patch of grass into soft dirt where you sit
>It's your go to fishing spot now
>You've been sitting there for several minutes not really thinking about anything just tossing the block of wood around before you start to realize...you really have no idea why you are out here
>Oh yea, cause you're a lonely freak of nature to the inhabitants of this place and they don't seem to want anything to do with you so you don't have any friends
>Well...this blows
>You pull out your carving knife
> You're not really even sure what you are carving but you start anyways
>You've only been sitting there for maybe 20 minutes before you pause to really take in your surroundings
>This place really is beautiful
>Each breath you take is the purest quality air that has ever graced your lungs
>You take a glance at the Everfree
>Even though it's pretty dark, it still looks on the outside like any other forest
>You look out in front of you
>You've seen this view many times sitting here with a fishing pole between your legs
>In the distance are tall snow-capped mountains looming over this valley
>Beneath that is a rolling green hill That the sun slowly sneaks behind at the end of a hard day, casting radiant hues akin to molten metal and strands of velvet across the sky
>Currently the sun is high in the sky so there is nothing but bright blue as far as you can see dotted with the odd white puff of clouds
>On top of the hill, a figure that is bent at an awkward angle like a pretzel
>Wut
>You pull yourself out of your reverie and focus in on the odd shape
>How you didn't notice it before is beyond you
>It's moving and bending at a different angle now
>If you didn't know any better and had the movements been a bit more sporadic, you would have thought it was some shit straight out of Silent Hill
>You quickly realize it is another pony of course
>Although you've never seen a pony quite as...flexible as this
>Shit, you've never even seen a human as flexible as this outside of National Geographic
>You watch this pale pony twist and turn in ways that shouldn't be possible before you finally get a good look at their mane and tail
>It is a bright pink and teal in equal parts striping both head and tail
>You try to remember if you've run into this pony in the past, but-...oh who the fuck are you kidding? The only time you even go into town is for the market for groceries, and work. And even then you generally tune out everything but your destination
>All these ponies do is stare at you
>And it wasn't for a lack of trying
>You weren't the most socially awkward person on Earth but these ponies wouldn't even give you a chance
>It's been almost a year since you showed up, why can't they get over it, how different you are?
>You finally notice your target has a pair wings matching her cream-colored coat
>Well no wonder
>You don't pay any attention to the ponies on the ground as is
>You sure as hell don't notice the ones hovering above you either
>The whole fascination with flying horses thing kind of ran it's course and if you were caught staring up in wonder at any of the pastel ponies, it was often met with a disgusted look so you just stopped
>She does have a familiar haircut though
>It reminds you of...oh shit, what was her name again?
>Oh yea, Princess Twilight Sparkle
>With the Princess title attached, you made damn sure you would remember that name
>Especially after she consulted with Princes Celestia, the mover of the god damn sun, upon your arrival and made the decision to let you stay here once it was discovered you really had no clue how to go back to your own world no matter how much you wanted to
>Home sucked at times, but at least you had friends to talk to or go drinking with
>Here, you can still go drinking hard cider or go running
>By yourself
>You realize how long you've been staring at the stretching wonder, and put your attention a bit more on your block of wood again
> You're hands have been moving of their own accord for a few minutes now
>You begin to get an idea as you further cut into the wood
>While stealing a few quick glances up at the pony on the hill, you start to make sense of the shape now in your hands
>You still kinda suck at this, but what else are you gonna do to kill time?
>After a few more minutes pass, the 'pony' in your hands still sucks
>The head is lopsided, the ears are enormous, the body is bumpy and misshapen, and the tail is starting to look more like it's taking an enormous shit
>absolutelydisgusting.png
>The real pony is now lounging about in the grass looking out towards town
>You keep trying to carve away and accidentally slip cutting into your thumb
"AH shit!"
>A bit of blood from your thumb drops from the knife and splashes on the ground
>God fucking dammit
>You give up carving for the moment and put some pressure on the wound
>You put the knife away and just lounge for a while, cradling your cut thumb
>You're thumbs dull throbbing is dying down now at least
...
>But something is nagging at you
>You don't even know what, just some feeling you have, this primal instinct that keeps telling you...you're being watched
>You look around and even up into the clouds
>Nothing out of the ordinary
>You ignore it for the moment...but it's just getting worse
>Or maybe it's that ungodly smell that's slowly getting worse
>What the hell even is that?
>Whatever it is, it's causing some deep rooted urgent need to be away from the spot you are currently sitting in.
>...you don't remember ever seeing glowing dots in the Everfree
>It can't be fireflies, it's way too early for that
>...and fireflies typically wink out after a while...and don't stay still
>Okay seriously, did someone step in shit or something?
>That goddamn smel-
"Mother of god..."
>The glowing dots are moving now
>You should have fucking realized that they would be coming from 3 pairs of eyes
>...that are attached to some giant wooden dog...thing
>What is this I don't even...
>They are slowly coming out of the forest and approaching the pony
>Fuck
>It's pretty obvious by now that smell is coming from these big ugly fuckers
>HOW can that pony not smell it yet?
>...ARE THEY FUCKING SLEEPING???
>Your basic instinct is to run like a goddamn Kenyan
>But dammit, you are not about to turn tail and let some pony get mauled by some giant wooden fuckers
>They may not care much for you, but they will really hate your guts if you allowed for that to happen
>Against your better judgement, you get to your feet and don't run like a bitch
"What the hell am I doing?"
>You start running over rocks and a fallen tree stump over the stream and towards the hill
>You gulp in a deep breath of air and bellow out as loud as you can
"HEEEEEEEEEYYY!!! WAKE YOUR ASS UP!!!"
>The ponies ears dart up followed soon by their head
>You hear the most terrifying roar you've ever encountered emanating from the big wooden dogs as if they had each devoured an entire T-rex which had previously devoured a lion
>If your roar didn't get their attention, that one sure as fuck did
>You falter for a moment from the shock but keep on trucking
>You stop dead in your tracks
>One of the big bastards sniffs the air and looks right at you, the other two slowing their charge and doing the same
>You feel a slight throb in your hand and chance a quick glance down in time to see a fat glob of blood hit the ground at your feet
"Oops"
>At this point you are already about halfway up the hill, the dogs about three fourths and the pony...
"H-Huh?"
>You look around for them
>They were right there, how the hell did...
youDENSEmotherfucker.jpg
>You look slightly up and towards town
>There they are, high tailing it out of there on their, big, fluffy, glorious, fucking wings.
>A quick worried glance back in your direction
"One does not simply fly away from danger!"
>You and the dogs are the only one's who could really hear that
>They dogs aren't laughing
>Actually they are headed right the fuck at you
>You aren't laughing either
>You have fucked up now
>You turn on a heel and do what you should have done from the beginning
>RUN LIKE A GODDAMN KENYAN
>You're no Usain Bolt, but fuck if you weren't moving at the speed of sound
>You take a gamble and peak back over your shoulder
>Bad idea
>The one in the lead leaps at you
>It knocks your candy ass down like...well, a tree falling on you
>You're forward momentum helps you out though and you grab hold of the damn thing and roll with it
>Sorta
>As you regain your senses, you look at what you have in your hands
>You've gotten a hold of it's...ears?, which are still firmly attached to the head
>The body however...it's fallen to pieces while you were tumbling down
>The head snaps once at you and then barks it's horrendous breath at you
"ZOMBIES!"
>You shriek and throw the head with all your might
>As luck would have it, you managed to hit one of the following dogs right in it's big ugly ass head, shattering them both into several pieces of assorted branches, rocks, and leaves
"Get fucking wrecked-OH SHIT!"
>Ever the smart ass, you completely ignored the third and final dog still upright and right the fuck in front of you
>It takes a swipe at you with it's giant branch claws that tear through your shirt and into your chest
"GYAAAAH!!!!"
>You scream and stumble backwards
>The dog leaps, jaws open
>With reflexes you can only have gained through years of playing too much vidya, you reach out in time to grab the thing in midair by the snout and lower jaw and use all your effort to slam them shut
>You now have a very big, very pissed off wood dog in your hands
>This can only end badly
>It's mouth may be out of commission for the moment, but it's feet and claws are still very much alive
>It takes several swipes and you gain new large cuts up and down your body
>Okay, fuck this
"THIS!!!"
>You gain your footing
"IS!!!"
>You wind up your leg channeling your focus, chi, and entire being into your foot
"SPARTA!!!!!"
With your mighty scream that would make Gerard Butler proud, you push the dog backwards and drop kick it's happy yappy ass right in the nads
>Which, of course, were made of rocks
>It's 'eyes' become much larger and it lets out a loud whine before the whole creature falls apart much like the others
>Your foot is on fire, but the dogs are down...you think
>With an evil green glow, the pieces of dog slowly begin to float into the air and reform into their original shape
"Oh gimme a break"
>You didn't mean that literally
>You've backed yourself into the stream by now, the water up to your ankles
>In your moment of stunned revelation, one of the first dogs that went down, the one whose head you popped off probably, is already leaping at you
>It slams into your chest
>You hear crunching and go flying back into your favorite tree completely clearing the stream with the force of the blow
>You land on your ass and do the only thing you can think of
>You pull out your carving knife as a last ditch effort
>You hate the idea of being eaten alive, but you're pretty numb all over right now so it may not be too terrible
>At least you're gonna die sitting in your favorite spot
>You just can't believe your shitty luck
>Here you are trying to help one of these ungrateful damn horses, and what do they do?
>Leave your happy ass to the demons
>That fuck
>The dogs are now fully reconfigured and are now circling around you and your tree
>You're breathing pretty heavy now. You can feel blood dripping from your open mouth
>You hurt
>Everywhere
>Even breathing is hurting your chest
>You probably broke a couple ribs with that latest assault
>You look to each of the dogs still circling closer
"...come...*cough*...come get some, bitches!"
>Gotta be the smart ass dontchya?
>Your head is drooping and you are already losing focus
>Your arm holding up the useless blade is shaking barely a foot above the ground
> You notice a piece of carved wood on the ground to your left
>That ugly ass pony replica you were attempting stares back at you, a bit of dried blood from when you cut your thumb stuck on it's snout and legs
>You chuckled
>You couldn't even really do that right in your short life
>What a way to go
>Close to the chunk of wood is a small black stone, no bigger than your palm
>Guess you could try throwing it at one of these fuckers
>Maybe they'll choke on it
>Yea fucking right
>Your eyes snap open suddenly
>You look up at the dogs just past the knife in your hand, inching ever closer
>With a final jolt of adrenaline, you quickly grab the rock with your free hand
>You raise the knife to it and hesitate
>Eaten by demon tree dogs, or burnt alive at your own hand?
>That's assuming you can even start a flame
>The dogs tense up and glare at you
>Fuck you if you think you're getting a free meal today fuckers
>You choose 'blaze of glory' option
>You strike the knife on the rock
>A single, tiny spark flies off towards them
>It's small, but it's enough
>They snarl at you
>They start to advance
>You begin striking madly at the stone in the direction of your feet where the shavings from your sculpture lay
>Sparks are coming off every strike now and it's causing the dogs to slow their advance and flinch back a bit
>Some of the sparks hit the shavings near your feet and stay momentarily
>Man, if only you had a good fart in you right now...
>You are running out of steam and you still don't have even a little spark staying for more than a few seconds
>I'm givin' 'er all she's got cap'n! I don't have the power!!!
>Welp, balls
>At least you tried
>Goodnight folks, you've been a lovely audience! Don't forget to tip your waiters.
>With one last ounce of desperate strength, you push forward one more time
>A blinding light bursts in front of you like a fucking Halo MAC gun, wiping away the dogs and a whole mess of other shit towards the forest
>You're too out of it to even question what the dick just happened
>Your arms drop to your sides
>You begin to lose focus again as a few colorful figures come into view
>You notice the one leading the several figures is a nice lavender color
>The last thing you remember before completely losing consciousness, is a voice saying, "Timber wolves?! What in the hay are they doin' round these parts again?"
"I'm not sure, but we can't worry about that! Anon is loosing a lot of bloo..........."
>Timber wolves
>What a stupid fucking pun/name
>Blackness overtakes you

END PART 1