Blue lipped, Dolphin loving, creeper weeaboo. (rant)

[Fair warning, this may be a long rant]

Have you ever met a psychotic blue lipped, random kissing, hugging, balding, yaoi loving, Sephiroth wannabe who tries to laugh maniacally in the hallways but fails and ends up squealing like a witch? Then you haven’t met Blue Lips aka Dolphin Dude aka Lëamas.

This guy, I met him in my first semester of college, and I will forever regret talking to him out of kindness.

I was in my Elements of Visual Language class when I first noticed him. Tall, balding, creeper aura, all dressed in black with, what he calls in his own words, a “seasonal makeup” consisting of white foundation and blue lipstick. Seeing as he was alone in his corner I thought that I’d be the kind person who would make him come out of his bubble to join in with the rest of the class. Do I ever regret this decision!

I introduced myself as friendly as I could and we started to chit-chat. This is when he mentionned he was bi but more on the gay side. Fine sure, I have many gay, lesbian, bi and transgendered friends, not much of a shock. He then proceeds to tell me how he woke up one summer at a party, not remembering a thing, with his prostate feeling like it was on fire. OKAY. Too much information for a first conversation… I simply nodded, feeling uncomfortable and thinking to myself I’d better stop this here before it becomes worse. But for him, this was the start of a beautiful friendship.

From then on, he would talk to me at every occasion, never getting my obvious hint at how uber awkward it was for me. He would hug me, kiss me on the head and hover over me when working on my numerous projects, breathing down my neck.

By then, he would introduce me to his husband Sephiroth, whom he liked to cosplay, horribly. His “precious hubby” was a plush toy he would carry around in almost all of our classes. He shared his badly drawn artworks about politics here in Canada/Quebec, anime and games, and his shitty stories he thought were hilarious. Not to mention all the yaoi and fem dom fanart. Not to mention the porn videos he watched. In the middle of the class. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. And getting off by creeping me and my friends out.

This one time, my friend and I were singing some Justine Beaver to annoy the hell out of our classmate for the lulz. No one seemed to care, and most laughed about it. But Lëamas? He started to shake uncontrolably, his mouth froathing with saliva, spilling all over his jeans. In the woodchop class, he’d make weapons and while we were sanding our projects on the bigass belt sander, he would surprise us assassin style, because it was so hilarious! We asked the teachers to confront him about it, and he stopped… For a while. Why does he act like this?

Because he didn’t want to be normal. He was a poor soul that no one could understand. He is autistic you see, in the sense that he loves Death Note so much, he decided to take on L’s traits: loving sweets, sitting akwardly and sucking his thumb. But he was like that way before Death Note was popular of course, and all of this was an amazing coincidence!

He also lost all those dear to him. An orphan at age 10, his best friend/prospect boyfriend killed himself in front of him with a sword and Lëamas tried to follow him in death. He stabbed himself in the heart, causing him to die and go to hell before he was reanimated. From then on, he would suffer from a cardiac condition that would kill him in 2 years (or 1 as from today). And this is only the first semester. By the second one, he started to refer to himself as “we”, because now “they” had multiple personalities.

Confused yet? Wait, it gets better!

He is also part of a christian branch, called mordavian, who values the 7 virtues against the 7 deadly sins. The symbol of this christian cult? The Heartless symbol from Kingdom Hearts. He makes sure to reference this every morning on the daily newspaper, writing nonsense and drawing Heath Ledger-esque Joker faces on his most hated politicians.

Because of his “Christian” beliefs, he wasn’t allowed to use swear words. His solution? It came from his ex-girlfriend who loved dolphins. So whenever he was in shock, or wanted to curse in anger, he would yell in a, what I think he wanted to be a cute tone, “OH DOLPHIN”! This dolphin obsession also created his catchphrase: “Dolphin, dolphin, dolphin! So cute, so soft and hairy in my mouth!” sometimes adding “Having orgies!” at the end.

By then, he started to consider me and my friends his group of super otaku friends! (FYI, me and my college friends enjoy anime/manga/gaming in a more… non-obsessive manner I’d say?) So of course, he had to talk about how super hot some anime guys were! Like Dark Link, who is some sexy emo hotness, and how he’d love to see Link himself be more dark and emo. He even re-designed Ganondorf in an emo Prince of Persia style, so hot! He would draw Yaoi constantly and ask the teachers for tips on how to improve his “little cutie’s” anatomy. In fact, his ideal man would be “a cute, slim, emo uke” and comments on how he thought some prospect boyfriends he met in school were “fuckable” or “rapeable”.

Then, there is the whole cosplay matter. Being almost bald, he regularly wears party wigs at school or hats to cover it up. He dreams of having long soft locks like Sephiroth. Most of his cosplays are made of shit found in his closet and drapes. With these, he made some “parodies” on youtube. The first one being about Final Fantasy VII and his new project, Nintendix, a battle to death between Nintendo and Square Enix!

Finally, we have the wonderful sessions we pass during our breaks, having to endure his cackling when we decide to go to the gaming club to play smash. You can guess who he picks: Dark Link, ABSOLUTELY Dark. No other way. He then proceeds to gloat about his talents, and immediately starts shrieking when the game begins. He fell off his chair more than once, and starts to yell at people whenever they kill “his” Link.

[Sorry for the long rant. By the way, this is a REAL LIVING PERSON I am describing. I wish I could’ve made this up. But the guy is a menace. If you live in Montreal, watch out for him at cons dressed as Jack Sparrow, Cruella De Vil or some wierd Ganondorf. If you’re a Roxas, he’ll glomp you no questions asked.]