Tsaranon and Shermanon crossover

> I wake up in the morning to another human staring at me
> I jump, causing the other human to stumble backwards, and out of the tent
> "Ah! Don't do that man!"
Знаешь ты русски язык?
> "Did you get hit in the jaw or something?"
That'd be a no
> "Oh good, you do speak English!"
> I rub my eyes sleepily
who are you?
> "Me? Well I'm Shermanonymous! Who are you?"
Tsar Anonymous, former Tsar of Russia
> "What? Is that like a king or something?"
> I look to him in disbelief, though he shows utter sincerity
yes, it's like a king
> "well, it's a pleasure to meet you your Highness"
Could you pardon me for a moment?
> "Oh sure"
> he takes his head out of the tent
> I scramble to put on my uniform and robes, then I come out
Shermanonymous was it? What are you doing down here?
> "I could ask you the same thing!"
> I make a sweeping motion, identifying the tent city at the bottom of the dune
I am here to rescue Celestia and Luna, who were murdered by-
> a pitch black alicorn wearing a helmet and boots interrupts
> "Anonymous, what is this?"
You!
> "I'm sorry, have we met?"
You are the one who killed the royal family
> I draw my pistol and level it at her head
> "As much as I wish I did, I can't claim that glory just yet"
I am so confused
> we sat there and discussed our stories
> apparently Tartarus is connected to all universes, and he comes from a different one
> the Nightmare Moon of his world is much more tame, thankfully
While you both are here, may I offer you breakfast?
> "It's been forever since I've had a good meal! What'dya got?"
Try me
> "Eggs?"
yes
> I see him swallow saliva
> "pancakes?"
if you want
> "Bacon?"
meats a plenty
> "Oh sweet bipedal human god."
> I point him in the direction of the supply carts that hold the food
> he rushes off at full speed towards the carts, clearly starved
Anything for you, Nightmare Moon?
> "I don't need your charity"
seeing how starved your friend was
> "he is NOT my friend"
pardon, seeing how starved your travel partner was, I thought maybe you would appreciate a meal as well
> she stares at me, her face looks of deep contemplation
> "I'll see what there is"
> she slowly trots her way over, I follow
> Cadence had meandered from her tent towards the carts, and sleepily greeted me before coming to a stop when she saw the other human
> "Who is he?"
> "Who is she?"
Cadence, this is Shermanonymous, apparently a human from another universe. Shermanonymous, this is Princess Cadence
> "It's a pleasure your Highness"
> Cadence smiles briefly and turns towards the food carts to find herself face to face with Nightmare Moon
> she leaps backwards in horror
> "How did you find us!?"
Calm down Cadence, this one is also from another universe, and she's much more civil
> "Are you sure?"
> "I assure you, I will not harm you. For now"
> "That's reassuring"
> Cadence leaves for the food trucks, and Nightmare Moon joins us in eating a breakfast
> "What was it like on earth, Tsar? I don't remember much"
I cannot speak for the entire planet, but Russia was a wonderful land of beautiful scenery, musical and literary geniuses, and the most hardworking, devout people.
> "Are you sure you aren't a little biased?"
> I shot Nightmare Moon a glance
The winters were cold, but the summers were perfect. The nights were calm and peaceful. The stars glowed bright and more often than not the stars were up longer than the sun.
> "Now you've got my interest"
> Cadence had joined us now, and Nightmare Moon had addressed her
> "Cadence was it? Please tell me about how I killed the Royal Family."
> Cadence stopped her eating and sat, enrapt in the misery of her memories
I can do that one Nightmare. It was late at night, and a massive explosion shook the castle. I ran to the source, which was the throne room, where I found you and Celestia battling. I fired my guns at you, and hit you several times, but you were undeterred. You then vaporized Celestia. Cadence came in to try to stop you, and you enveloped her in shadows. She broke out of it, but you forced the shadows to crush her heart. Finally Luna came in and you two fought. It ended with the both of you casting a spell with your horns touching, causing an explosion that killed you both.
> "Wow darkie! I never thought you were that strong!"
> Nightmare Moon hits Sherm over the head with her hoof
> "What did I tell you about calling me that"
> "Sorry, I forgot"
> by now the soldiers were up and about, getting their food and drink
> the curiously examined the two new adventurers who were speaking with their king
> we had finished our meals, when the wind picked up
> I caught whiff of something rancid
Shermanonymous! Why do you smell of vomit!
> "Why do you smell of lilacs?"
Because I bathe!
> Nightmare Moon's ears perked at this
> "You mean to tell me that you have access to washing materials?"
Indeed I do
> "Anonymous, go take a bath, right now"
Would you like me to show you where?
> "by all means"
> Nightmare Moon picked Sherm up and carried him with her
> I took them behind the dune, where a cart with a veil was placed
This is it, not the most private place, but you have to make do with what you have
> "anonymous, get in there and wash yourself"
> "I can't with you guys watching like this!"
> "That wasn't a request"
> Sherm is flung into the bath cart
> at first he is reluctant, but quickly he warms up to the idea, and he douses himself in water and scented oils
> he exits the cart with a much lighter skin tone, as well as smelling of lavender
> "a significant improvement"
> "You like it Nightmare?"
Would you like a bath, Nightmare?
> she looks to me, again with a pondering face
> behind her back, Shermanonymous carries a bucket of water and oils
> "I-"
> her sentence is interrupted by sherm, who had tossed the bucket of water onto her
> "Come on Nightmare, if I took one, you should too"
> her eyes glow a deep blue, and she tosses the empty bucket at sherm
> "I ought to kill you for that!"
Hang on there Nightmare, I'll get you a towel
> I have a guard fetch me a few towels
> she takes one towel with her magic, and begins wiping off her back
> I take the other, and work on her neck
> "That Anonymous is such a nuisance"
it's all in good sport. I imagine spending so much time as you two have down here would get quite maddening, he has to let it out somehow.
> I work over her head and ears
> "Why is it that you can treat others with such respect, and he can't?"
I'm a king, I've learned civility and respect most of my life
> "you know I can hear you guys right"
> Nightmare Moon responds to this by throwing the bucket at him again
> I work on drying the horn
> "Tsar, no!"
> Nightmare Moon stamps the ground and whimpers
> suddenly, pasta shoots from her horn, barely missing me
> Nightmare Moon pants for a moment, before shoving me down
> "You shameless human! I should kill you for rape!"
> my expression of worry fades when I look past her and see at least a hundred soldiers taking aim at her
> Her, seeing this, turns around and sees the soldiers herself
> she snorts in frustration, but stands down
> I get back onto my feet
What...what just happened?
> "it's a long story Tsar"
> "we've deviated from our course for too long already. We must be leaving now."
Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, I've can give you some information on how to get out if you want?
> "No, we know how to get out. Come along Anonymous"
> "Yes, Nightmare. It was swell meeting you Tsar"
> they trudged their way through the desert along the path we came in on
> Godspeed you two