smoke weed everyday

[12/18/14, 4:20:34 PM] Ezra Hsu: How is Nate.
[12/18/14, 7:12:17 PM] Slacking Off/Griff: Goodness, that's kind of a surprise. I was more-or-less convinced that you were completely finished with me.

Well, to respond to the statement/question; How do you mean? Nate is very much okay.
[12/18/14, 7:23:46 PM] Ezra Hsu: Yeah, well, it should have been. You were more-or-less convinced correctly.

He went insane or some shit some time before last week, which I had the dumbfounding, temporarily enraging, and continuously hurtful privilege of learning on the 8th via letter. You already answered my question, so you understood the basic meaning of what I was asking just fine.
[12/18/14, 7:38:56 PM] Slacking Off/Griff: So, were you wanting to chat it up about the glory days over a cup of coffee? Or was asking a question, and slinging some thinly veiled insults all that was on the agenda today?
[12/18/14, 7:40:56 PM] Ezra Hsu: I just asked a question, expecting an answer. My jaded tone is, uh, I guess inevitable.
[12/18/14, 7:41:34 PM] Ezra Hsu: I didn't actually stick any insults in there, frankly, it's just tired passive aggressiveness.
[12/18/14, 7:43:57 PM] Ezra Hsu: My agenda revolves around gathering scraps of information on why Nate decided to be a selfish recluse. I have essentially no outlets for seeking these scraps. Today I just happened to get over my emotions and decided asking you was a viable option. You've both kept up, so why not.
[12/18/14, 7:45:56 PM] Ezra Hsu: If you cared about me not thinking you an overly critical douche a few months or so ago, you can hold off on still thinking me a constantly insulting prick.
[12/18/14, 7:46:38 PM] Ezra Hsu: So short answer: neither.
[12/18/14, 7:47:19 PM] Ezra Hsu: I'm not exactly "adult" enough to meet people I bitterly parted with over an equally bitter beverage.
[12/18/14, 7:48:39 PM] Ezra Hsu: Besides, I think enough about the past as it is. I don't need somebody to talk about it with.
[12/18/14, 7:55:54 PM] Slacking Off/Griff: Fair enough. Pardon my lazy messaging, I'm working on something at the moment.
[12/18/14, 7:56:23 PM] Ezra Hsu: You're intelligent enough to know I couldn't care less.
[12/18/14, 7:57:26 PM] Ezra Hsu: That said, you're also intelligent enough to know that I wouldn't pardon anything on your end if I actually was that petty.
[12/18/14, 7:58:20 PM] Ezra Hsu: Besides, I could already hypothesize the case myself anyway.
[12/18/14, 8:30:31 PM] Slacking Off/Griff: I'm going to stop you right here. At first, I was somewhat skeptical as of to why Nate made the decision that he did, but with this short conversation, if you'd even like to call it that, has done more than enough to show me his reasons for doing so. On top of that, this conversation cannot lead anywhere positively stimulating for either of us. No, I'm not interested in hearing you gab on about how you're right about absolutely everything, nor would I like to hear from you on your ivory tower, talking down to me on my apparent 'pettiness' that you love to associate with me. You haven't spoken to me in six months, I have changed a lot in that time, please do not act like I'm the same person from that time-frame.

You want to know why it is exactly that Nate left you? Read the letter. Again, again, and again. If you still feel a little curious on the matter, think back to the various conversations, and one-sided arguments you've had with him, and after that, read the letter again.

If you somehow have the nerve to send another insipid message, I will then see no reason to keep you on my Skype contacts, and will swiftly block you, however much that means to you, I don't know, and frankly, I don't care.

You cannot fathom how disinterested I am in your brooding, complaining, and whining. As much as you'd like to twist your memories of me, into being the "worst thing that's ever happened to you", I really want you to know that I miss the fuck out of you, and have regrettably had many experiences that I would've loved to talk with you about, but I quite obviously could not.

For that very reason is why I've never cared to remove you, or block you, despite what's probably better for me. And for that same reason, I still want you to come back, but not as the wretched, disgusting person you've turned into, due to your own mind warping things to please you, and point fingers at others, but the person a year ago, that I played Borderlands 2 with until 5 in the morning, who I played Battlefield 3, and 4 with, who I played Halo Reach with, and even back in Halo 3 with Andy n' company.

I know you're a decent person, and I know that decent person is somewhere in there, but honestly, this is only a decision that you can make, and it's one huge question that you need to answer. Go ahead and be this person who will be viewed as autistic by strangers, and laughed at afar, if that's what you want to do.

I'm going to end this by saying that, Ezra, you need to open your mind, and calm down. There will be people in the world that are smarter, and better in every single possible way, and that is something that you need to accept. You don't need to idolized yourself as an incredibly intelligent person of society, rather, just be one, and let people see your intelligence, and have them hail you as being smart. You don't need to put people down, who are the same size of you, just so you seem bigger.
[12/18/14, 8:47:40 PM] Ezra Hsu: I said that I didn't mind, that I wasn't petty enough to actually mind you being busy, and that I could guess that the reason that your responses were coming slowly was that you were busy.
[12/18/14, 8:47:58 PM] Ezra Hsu: God, what a misunderstanding.
[12/18/14, 8:48:53 PM] Ezra Hsu: I guess my language gets inaccurate when I'm stressed.
[12/18/14, 8:49:14 PM] Ezra Hsu: Sigh. Now I have to figure out how to respond to this.
[12/18/14, 8:53:34 PM] Ezra Hsu: No, reading the letter multiple times will not, did not change anything. Nate never gave me any major indications he intended to just drop me like that. Yes, we've had various scraps, none so deep and heated as those that happened years ago. He always seemed like someone who understood differences and respected boundaries, so I assumed nothing would change. He never stated any concerns, never asked me for a heart to heart, he just all of a sudden stopped talking to me frequently, and then told me that we were done.
[12/18/14, 8:55:40 PM] Ezra Hsu: Apparently we were too different, and he wasn't willing to talk about any of it, through any means of communication, so all I could feel was betrayed. It seemed like he just transformed into a selfish coward that was too afraid to talk to me about his feelings, so he shut me out of his life. His choice of words and short explanation were terrible.
[12/18/14, 8:55:57 PM] Ezra Hsu: So, I poked around, leading up to this.
[12/18/14, 8:56:50 PM] Ezra Hsu: (I'm also just now realizing I should have stuffed this all into one big response, but I just instinctively burst fire messages as thoughts come to me.)
[12/18/14, 9:06:17 PM] Ezra Hsu: It's good that you would be quick to block me, I guess you'd have reason to, more than Nate did when he decided to shut me out of Kik, normal texts, Xbox, and the stupid docs we'd been pouring work into for so long. No, I have not "twisted" any of my memories of you, unlike you accuse, which is precisely the reason that hating you has been...irritating, to put it in cold-motherfucker terms. I have, this entire time, acknowledged to myself that we've had plenty of favorable memories, my whole line of reasoning was that you were willing to be overly critical and self centered, and threw away years of interaction to be in the right and insult me. I still don't forgive, and yes, that means I occasionally brood, so if that's really so satanic to you, you should just stop reading and waiting for my responses here and shut me away like Nate has. I wasn't willing to talk to you out of simple emotional discomfort, and preferred to wait an undefined amount of time until my spite settled into a more comfortable zone of hatred, but that eventually just slumped into an indefinite suspension, which no, I didn't care about.
[12/18/14, 9:07:41 PM] Slacking Off/Griff: (Hold on, I'll respond to all of this shortly, I need to take care of something.)
[12/18/14, 9:08:48 PM] Ezra Hsu: (Do whatever you want, it doesn't matter, I'm still typing.)

Yes, I assumed you still missed me, which made thinking of myself as the "bad" guy, for not making up, a strange, and somewhat comfortable experience. If I have purposely twisted anything, it's that being evil and full of spite can be fun.
[12/18/14, 9:11:13 PM] Ezra Hsu: Yeah, okay, so you'd like to be friends again. *viciously cynical sarcasm* Could totally happen overnight. Just like world peace.
[12/18/14, 9:12:20 PM] Ezra Hsu: Sure, you could have removed me. You probably should have, but whatever. Kindness doesn't usually make any sense to me.
[12/18/14, 9:14:59 PM] Ezra Hsu: Chances are, I'm never going to be this guy that you loved (made sure to use past tense there) way back when we played games like that, especially with the big fucking point that your stupid disc drive doesn't even fucking work anymore, and that last you remarked about it, you weren't going to fix it. On my side of things, that made distancing myself from you that much easier.
[12/18/14, 9:48:57 PM] Ezra Hsu: As my last chunk of this fucking long rebuttal, I'll start by saying, with a somewhat confused chuckle, that it's funny that you think there's some buried jewel of decency in me. Perhaps you're referring to the youthful version of myself that existed when I lived in Seattle. Don't make this out like one of those self help deals where the choice to being a better person is yours to make. That's literally the only part of this whole thing that bothers me that much. I am full of hatred and spite, exhausted with a life I would have torn myself away from plenty of times, had I the actual effective means of doing so. I am disgusted at so many things, and I abhor anything and everything that comes up and slaps me in the face telling me to shape up or be left in the dust. Don't tell me out of the love and kindness in your heart to make a change, just let things happen and carry yourself accordingly. If the both of you cutting ties to me out of differences meant scraping by in school with low self esteem and joining the military or something, fine. See, I've long held a daydream-fantasy, one that Nate, somewhat ignorantly, albeit effectively, referenced in that letter to me, in which the basic concept is him versus me in a true, lethal war. He essentially explained to me that he'd rather run away and leave no trace than face a former friend on a battlefield in which someone would die. For me, it's exactly the opposite. I'd much rather die or kill on the scorched soil of a warzone than be left with the rage and aimless spite that gets instilled due to an ideological quarrel. Wars are means of settling such disputes, and I value them as such, in sharp contrast to the common person who would rather preach love and peace and let all the injustice and disagreement exist between people. I'd rather cut a bloody path through a crowd until nobody was willing to fight me. Insane? Yeah, probably, but the thing about people that think that way is that they can't be convinced to care. I am the same person I was when we played those games. I have always been that same person. There was just never a time when we ever fought so angrily. My "true" colors never showed.

I don't think myself better than everybody else. Don't, or better, just stop telling me that I do. I aim rather low in school and in life, as low as I can while still being fairly comfortable. I am no narcissist. I argue that way (from a point of superiority) because I feel that I am right, that doesn't illustrate my entire personality. A Templar fights what he perceives as corruption and evil, and that indisputable, unchallenged fact has no static, concrete tie to how open minded he is. His perception can be changed, whether that means shifting blame from mages to bureaucrats or whatever. I guess if I was to truly be sorry for anything, it'd be that anybody ever mistook my arguments as self serving and arrogant. As a concluding, somewhat objective reflection, I believe it's entirely possible that I've been narcissistic in how I carry myself at some point. My dad functioned in college at levels where teachers told him he could skip class because he didn't need the instruction, and a story he wrote for my mother to read to her own class made people break out in serious, cry-baby tears. I've hated him for so many years, but I know how some of parenting works. I despise the human brain and its nuances of development. The niches of subconsciousness that events in life get tucked into, manifesting in irritating, detrimental fashions years later, only to baffle and insult what you thought was your own understanding of your personality. I've feared for so long that some part of my dad's arrogance slipped into my own mind along the timeline of development, that the only reason my vocabulary and memory and reflexes are attuned the way they are is because of observing and mimicking my dad's inquisitive attributes. But as my entire point stands, I try to stay open minded.
[12/18/14, 10:04:43 PM] Ezra Hsu: So honestly, if all of this only serves to prove the point that I'm some demon that pretended to be a friend, a monster whose hate is the sole thing to judge it by, a feral creature (yeah, okay, don't need a third allegory, but it's how I speak) who is without doubt incapable of keeping its feelings and opinions to itself, then you both can ditch me. It'd go right along with Nate's plan, and you stood close enough to doing so anyway, so it's perfectly possible that shutting me up in a padlocked crate and relegating me to a dark corner of the past, while embalming and enshrining the "good ol' days" on a marble pedestal could make both of your lives quite enjoyable and content. I don't know, but I candidly suppose I would place a bet on it, if I had to. No, this isn't sarcasm, or spite, or fatigue from debating my own psyche. It's just what I think. I do know however, that it'd be the easier thing to do. Trying to talk with me? That'd be the thorny, uncertain path, as far as I can tell.
[12/18/14, 10:17:13 PM] Ezra Hsu: Sigh. Do an old...new....enemy-friend-whatever-the-fuck a favor and send a short one line alert message saying something like "back" or "working on response" so I know when to start paying attention again.