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Aug 30th, 2016
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  1. POKEMON GO AWAY NO ONE LIKES YOU
  2.  
  3. 3 m 2 f
  4.  
  5. team mystic (blue team):
  6. connor - goes on reddit a lot
  7. samantha - plays casually, kinda hyper
  8.  
  9. team valor (red team):
  10. ishmael - vaguely soviet
  11. julia - fiercely determined
  12.  
  13. team instinct (yellow team):
  14. pun guy
  15.  
  16. [in a wooded area, the blue team is strolling around playing pokemon go]
  17.  
  18. connor: oh man this is great, there's way more pokestops on campus than there were back at my house!
  19.  
  20. samantha: yeah and you still managed to be a higher level than me...i guess i'll have to catch up by training extra hard!
  21.  
  22. connor: the only reason i got to a higher level is because i saved up all my candies, hoarded my lucky eggs, and evolved all my pokemon at once while i had the 1.5x experience bonus! it's the most efficient way to get xp fast.
  23.  
  24. samantha: (pointing, ridiculing) NEEEEER-
  25. [cuts to another take, like it was edited out]
  26. samantha: wow you're so smart! and cool!
  27.  
  28. connor: shut up there's an eevee nearby we gotta go find it
  29.  
  30. samantha: okay!
  31.  
  32. [cut to walking nearby]
  33.  
  34. samantha: eevee!!! come to me my precious baby cat...dog...thing... what is eevee anyways?
  35.  
  36. // [i already know we can't do this joke]
  37.  
  38. connor: (shrug) japanese?
  39.  
  40. samantha: that's not an animal.
  41.  
  42. connor: tell that to my great grandfather.
  43. (looks up at sky, image overlay of soldiers raising the flag at iwo jima, america the beautiful starts playing. this lasts like 3 seconds before it cuts back to normal)
  44.  
  45. connor: hey what's that? (points to a weird box on the ground)
  46.  
  47. samantha: mystery box!! open it open it open it open it
  48.  
  49. (connor approaches box)
  50.  
  51. mysterious voice!: not a CHANSEY!
  52.  
  53. connor: (freezes) who goes there?
  54.  
  55. (pun guy pops out from behind a tree, revealing himself like the world's shittiest ninja)
  56.  
  57. pun guy: that's not your box, that's ARBOKs!
  58.  
  59. samantha: (ecstatic) it's pun guy!!! he's the greatest!
  60.  
  61. connor: pun guy, the guy on team instinct who only speaks in pokemon puns?
  62.  
  63. samantha: the one and only!
  64.  
  65. pun guy: RAICHU are!
  66.  
  67. connor: so, what's in your box?
  68.  
  69. pun guy: (grabbing reaching into the box and holding up it's contents) A BRA!
  70.  
  71. samantha: hahahahahahahahhahahahahahah, you're the best pun guy.
  72.  
  73. [throws it off screen, we hear a muffled crash and scream or otherwise comedic sfx]
  74.  
  75. pun guy: I know, I know, CLEFAIRY best, like no one ever was.
  76.  
  77. samantha: there's no way this will get old fast!
  78.  
  79. connor: so, how's your accapella group going man?
  80.  
  81. pun guy: it's great, WEEZING all sorts of songs.
  82.  
  83. [rimshot sfx]
  84.  
  85. samantha: amazing, how do I know when you have shows?
  86.  
  87. pun guy: you gotta add me to your favorites, y'kn-
  88.  
  89. samantha: STARYU?
  90.  
  91. pun guy: exactly, just STARMIE.
  92.  
  93. samantha: it's almost as if we're asking you the perfect questions!
  94.  
  95. connor: quiet do you hear that?
  96.  
  97. [snap to the red team, ishmael and julia, poised threateningly on a ridge of some kind)
  98.  
  99. pun guy: oh no! the whole team valor GENGAR here!
  100.  
  101. julia: that was HORRIBLE
  102.  
  103. ishmael: time to put a sock in it, pun guy, there's no where left to hide from the glorious retribution of TEAM VALOR (when he says team valor they do some kind of pose in unison)
  104.  
  105. (samantha and connor gasp)
  106.  
  107. pun guy: they've been after me all day, quick, to SHELLDER! (he runs back behind is tree)
  108.  
  109. connor: (stepping up to the plate) it's alright pun guy, team mystic will defend you.
  110.  
  111. julia: with WHAT? you're TEN LEVELS beneath me
  112.  
  113. connor: there's always a way, i have to fight to protect my friends.
  114. [iwo jima joke reprise]
  115.  
  116. samantha: oh this is gonna be bad!
  117.  
  118. [julia and connor face off, ishmael and samantha do the same, dramatically approaching eachother, perhaps even in slowmo as the music swells. once the crescendo reaches it's peak, cut to the four of them battling really boringly and accurately to what gym battles are like irl.]
  119.  
  120. all: cmon...cmon...charge attack...fuck...dodge...no i said dodge...nice...nice..okay...one more (yknow. that kinda gag.)
  121.  
  122. pun guy: stop it, she'll TAUROS apart!
  123.  
  124. ishmael: (holding a football) why would you be friends with this imbecile, his jokes are lame and forced. even his geeky team instinct compatriots aren't here.
  125.  
  126. julia: hey yeah...where's nick?
  127.  
  128. pun guy: O, NIX in California, he graduated.
  129.  
  130. julia: (extreme frustration, grumbles nonsense)
  131.  
  132. both samantha and pun guy: what?
  133.  
  134. pun guy: JYNX! you owe me a soda!
  135.  
  136. samantha: yeah...i'm not gonna do that.
  137.  
  138. ishmael: see, he's annoying!
  139.  
  140. pun guy: seems a little FARFETCH'D to me
  141.  
  142. ishmael: we're gonna ring your head like a bell!
  143.  
  144. julia: BWOWOWOWOWOOOOWWOOWOOOOOOONNNNG (gong/bell like noise)
  145.  
  146. pun guy: do bells even really make that noise or....DEWGONGs?
  147.  
  148. (the battle stops)
  149.  
  150. connor: alright that was absolutely terrible.
  151.  
  152. pun guy: don't be so KRABBY?
  153.  
  154. samantha: that's just the name of a pokemon, and not even a creatively named one.
  155.  
  156. ishmael: there is only crab.
  157.  
  158. pun guy: i fear i've lost your SEEL of approval.
  159.  
  160. connor: same thing, they just changed the A in seal to an E.
  161.  
  162. julia: YESSSSSSS LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU.
  163.  
  164. pun guy: (turns to julia) I suppose you've EXEGGCUTEd order sixty-six.
  165.  
  166. samantha: stop.
  167.  
  168. pun guy: i suppose i should shut my MEOWTH.
  169.  
  170. samantha: i think you should leave.
  171.  
  172. pun guy: you mean, get RATTATA here? (mumbling) like...right out of here?
  173.  
  174. connor: bye.
  175.  
  176. pun guy: DITTO.
  177.  
  178. [cut to black]
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