DEGENERATE CREATES DENEGERATE STORY= WHAT ELSE IS NEW

"The Crystal Gems latest mission has them venturing off to the desert once more, as they try to find an ancient artifact!... Mmmm, no." Click.

No no, that wasn't right at all. How could he make it sound exciting? The Gems traveled to all kinds of places on a regular basis, going hither and thither to clean up the mess of that frighteningly long war five thousand years ago. It was a wonder they'd even manage to make the time, with all of the problems around the globe.

Steven pressed the record button on the cassette player again, before grunting in defeat. He was slacking. Normally all of his exhuberant attitude would have put such a daring spin on the idea, with some sides as crispy as a carton of fries. Hehe.

In this case, he wasn't allowed to come with because, as Pearl put it: "It's such a vile place, I dare to think what it may do to your precious, developing mind." She didn't have to sound creepy about it, but she just came off that way sometimes. Steven reluctantly agreed to stay, despite being able to easily track recent Warp Pad usage.

But now, it'd been six hours since they first departed. The sun was beginning to set. He couldn't follow them even if he wanted to now (And wow did he really wanna see what the place was all about.), because the trail had gone colder than week old pizza in the fridge.

Darn his good nature!

As for Peridot, she locked herself in the bathroom as well, declaring it a matter of importance she be not interrupted in the slightest. Steven couldn't not comply. It didn't matter to him in any real way, since she didn't have a lot of reliable tech in there anyway to cause shenanigans with. Though she'd been strangely quiet. Not even one of her usual temper tantrums had reared it's head in the last six hours. About 4 and a half hours in, Steven dared to knock. He hadn't even said anything before her shrill, nasally voice had pierced right through the oak door.

"I'M BUSY!!"

After making sure he hadn't lost his hearing, Steven had gone back to meandering around the house, keeping himself busy. Until the fifth hour, where he started to play with his various Guys. Now here was the sixth hour of his isolation, surrounded by his toys, staring intently at the Warp Pad, trying to see if he could do a movie promo for the Gems adventures.

No such luck. Just as he was about to nod off from sheer lack of activity to keep his brain going, the Warp Pad emitted that telltale ping, signifying someones arrival. Steven snapped awake to a start, yelling in surprise. "Yo yo, Stevie U!" W-wha? He fisted his eyes, clearing them of any sleepy gunk that might have collected, focusing on the blurry picture in front of him. When they came into focus, he smiled that signature, bright grin of his. "Guys!"

"Hey lil' man. Ya miss us?" Amethyst. Steven nodded hurriedly, hopping up to his feet, running up to the trio of Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. "Where have you guys been? I've been bored and waiting for like, ever!"

Garnet smiled back, anchoring those deceptively strong hands upon a pair of gargantuan hips. "That's a lie. You've been waiting for six hours. You'd know if it was forever." Steven stuck out his tongue at her in a display of defiance, but he immediatly giggled afterwards as she affectionately patted his curly afro.

Pearl cleared her throat, stepping forward. Steven noticed a spherical object within her palm, no bigger than one of the Gems.. uh, Gems. "What's that?"
Apparently she only needed to clear her throat, not entirely expecting Steven to question it. "Oh uh... Ah..." Then she began laughing. She did that whenever she was nervous. She thought other people didn't notice when she laughed at awkward or troubling situations, but it was one of her tells. Pearl had a lot of them. Laughing in response to a question meant she was very nervous. But what about?

"Ah this? Oh this... this is nothing, Steven. Just a backwater device from a backwater place. It's design is even backwards, and very useless." She concluded with another clearing of her esophagus. Or what she had for one, that is. "But..." she continued. "It does seem to be all out of charges." She looked to Garnet, who looked at Amethyst, who in turn, looked up at Pearl, who then looked at Steven. Garnet shrugged. Steven hated their silent conversations. "Well, if it's all magic'd out, then do you think I could keep it as a souvenir?"

Pearl almost instantly got that undying expression of "ABSOLUTELY NOT" but before she could express her disdain to such an idea, Garnet put her hand up, effectively silencing her. "Stay calm, Pearl. If Steven wants a trophy of our latest mission, let him have it. It's the least we can do for not taking him along this time."

Pearl was ready to object yet again. Except this time, Steven doubled teamed up with Garnet, giving her the best "why must you limit my life." look she'd ever seen him pull off.  Some saw Garnet as the pseudo mother of Steven Quartz Universe, others saw Amethyst as the really bratty big sister. The others viewed Pearl as his mother, instead. Indeed, she'd spent most of his early life around him. Pearl didn't exactly understand the traditional view of a human "family", but what she did know was that family was home. And... what kind of mom would she be if she didn't give in every once in a while?

With a huff and a puff, Pearl outstretched her hand towards Steven. "Alright, I suppooose you can have it. Just do be careful with it. Put it up on a shelf somewhere." Steven practiaclly shrieked with giddiness, only composing himself mere milliseconds before letting one rip. "Thank you, thank you! I'll keep it up somewhere nice and cozy!"

Steven took the small object into his hand, turning it over and inspecting it. It was smooth, granite black, with a muave swirl coming from the center, enveloping the surface along the rim. It felt very cold. Weighing it in his hand, he threw it up, and caught it again, nodding to himself. "What are you guys gonna do now?"
"Take a cheeeel peeeel." Proffered Amethyst, swaying lazily toward the Temple door. Steven giggled again. "A what?"

"She means we're going to relax. That was a very stressful mission." Garnet adjusted her reflective shades as she said this, strutting up to Amethyst.
"That sounds like an excellent idea. I've been meaning to catch up on my Ballet! Did you know that blah blah blah..."

And just like that, they were gone, all going their seperate ways deep into the temple. Steven grunted again, wondering what could have happened in the desert to merit just... up and leaving like that. No matter! He got a souvenir! At least he got something out of this boring afternoon. Taking it out of his pocket, he looked at the curious rock, inspecting it once more for any crevices, holes, or buttons. Nothing. It was smooth all around.

"I wonder what you used to do?" Steven spoke aloud to no one, clutching it within both hands. Then, an idea struck him.

"I know! Pearl said it didn't have any 'charges', right? If it's a gem artifact, then that means it's gotta be powered by gem magic. I wonder if I can charge it myself?" Squeezing the rock in his hands, Steven tried to focus some of his gem power into the rock. When nothing came at first, he didn't let himself get discouraged. He tried to recall Pearls teachings on Gems 101, seeing if he could somehow "hook" onto it's thoughtform. If he was holding the powerless device, than surely he could find the idea it belonged to.

He began to strain himself, starting to sweat profusely. Then, as if a flash of power had shook him to his very core, the device within his hand started to get warm. Steven didn't let up, channeling more of his gem energy into the device. It was only when the rock began to become blazing hot did he finally remember what he was doing, losing himself in the moment like that.

Steven yelped in surprise as the device practically burned a hole within his hands, dropping it in a hurry to avoid any more injuries to himself. It clacked rather noisily on the ground, rolling along the floor at a brisk pace, over to where he originally sat in silence. As Steven blew air onto his scorching palms, he didn't notice the gem artifact bump over one of his Guy figures. Then another, and another, and another... before coming to a stop at the base of the Warp Pad.

"Agh! What was that about?!... huh?" His injuries almost immediatly forgotten, Steven could only gape in awe as his Guy figures were engulfed within a bright, lavender light. As quickly as it happened, it vanished, leaving Steven somewhat blind in the event. Only a few seconds after, his Guys sprung to life, kipping up with agility unseen for tiny action figures.

"Whoa! No way! You.. Guys are alive?!" Steven exclaimed rather loudly, running over to get a closer look at the Guy figures. He began guffawing in that certain way of his again, peering closely at the figures, who, all at once, turned to face Steven.
He stopped laughing immediatly. He'd been around gem stuff long enough to notice when something was off.

It started out slow, with not much lingering within the portly childs mind. What could they possibly be up to? He got his answer, as one of them started tugging on his cuffed jeans leg rather roughly. "Whoa, hehehe, you're strong for a little guy, aren't you?" Then another joined in, tugging even harder than before. "Hey there, careful! You'll make me fall."

His words went unheeded as more and more joined in. Steven began to question where all of these Guys were coming from, when he himself remembered he pocketed quite a lot of them during Onions antics about two years ago. As such, a bevy of Ranger Guys all began tugging hard on his pants, upon both legs. "Uh guys? You can stop now!" Steven shouted, hoping they would listen to him.

They didn't.

It took a few more joining in to finally free Steven of his jeans, bundling them around his ankles as a wave of cool air smacked him in the legs. He was very uncoordinated when not all of his senses were focused on moving about, so as a result, he fell backwards like a lumberjack severing a tree from the earth itself.
He landed with a dull thud, the wind knocked out of him.

Groaning to himself, he was drowsy enough to not notice the Guys were now gathering around him, only vaguely aware of being dragged backwards steadily, until he was propped up on something hard. When he finally managed to shake off his punch drunk inebriation, Steven took note of two things.

1: He was bound to his coffee table, wrists taut and together in something tight. He couldn't figure out what. The way they seemed to get tighter as he struggled told him it was duct tape.
2: He was pantsless. This included a pair of underwear freshly ironed from this morning thanks to Pearl.

"A-.. AAAAAAHH GARNET! AMETHYST! PEARL! HELP!"

His cries went unheard, as no one came rushing out of the temple. Figures. That place was tighter than a bomb shelter. Of course they wouldn't hear him. What about Garnet and her future vision? No... She wouldn't come unless she was actively looking at the future itself. And even then it was all uncertain.

In his last ditch effort to acquire assistance, he called for his last friend available. "PERIDOOOOT! SAVE MEEEE!"

Almost like clockwork, the door to the bathroom was kicked open, along came with it a disheveled Peridot, her normally immaculate, dorito shapd hair tussled and messy, fraying off at some ends and spiking in others. She appeared to be holding a cylindrical object no longer than ten inches length. "STEVEN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! I WANTED TO.... To...." She stopped dead short when her gaze fell upon the legion of Guys circled around Steven. On top of now getting an eyeful of Stevens.. ahem. Stevens. She'd seen him use the bathroom, and even take a shower a couple times. But she'd never spared more than a few seconds worth of glances until now.

"... Be left alone." Steven stared at her with a desperate look in her eyes. The Guys looked at Steven, then to Peridot. They did this three times before they seemed to legionize once more and converge on the small green rock alien in frightening unison. "S-STEVEN? WHAT IS- NO! NO! GET OFF MEEE!" They all climbed up and overpowered the comparitively weak gem, toppling her just as easily as Godzilla would a building.

They didn't bother dragging her anywhere, merely settling for rolling some duct tape over her back, trapping her arms at either side. It wasn't very hard. All the while she kicked and screamed her head off at her own loathing of the Guys. While she was taken down to town, a few of the Guys were directed to the cylindrical device she'd held moments earlier, where it'd landed on the ground, now seemingly vibrating noisily on the wooden floor. Steven struggled against his bonds, yelling for Peridot to fight it. She tried. Oh she tried.

When the Guys had recieved the object, holding it upright, Steven could see it was pink in nature, with a star of the same color at the tip of it. "Don't hurt her!"  They seemed to have something else in mind as they approached Peridot from the back, standing upon the gems thick thighs to gain some ground.