Anon's Stando Adventure Part 1: The Leadup

>You are Anonymous, sole human amongst the pony hordes
>And you are sweating like a pig
>Who knew kicking trees to dislodge their apples was such demanding labor?
>The answer is you knew
>And it fucking HURT
>In the good way though, the kind of way that lets you know that you’re getting swole as fuck
>As you kick another bushel of apples out of the tree and into a waiting basket, Applejack saunters over to you from her part of the field, leaning against a nearby tree when she gets close
>awfuckson.jpg
>She’s doubtlessly here to appraise your work
>Time to redouble your efforts; can’t disappoint the boss
>Instead, she opens her mouth
>”Alright, Ah think that’s enough for today Anon. Ya done good work this week, an’ I’m mighty proud of ya.”
>Wait what
>You turn to her, brows cocked in confusion
“Wait a sec, it’s barely noon. Why are we finished? Don’t we still need to do the entire western orchard?”
>You gesture out towards the fields, indicating the huge swath of land that needs to be harvested
>AJ just shrugs and sets her face into a self-satisfied smirk, unconcerned about the work she’s just abandoned
>”Ah’m feelin’ mighty generous today Anon, so just head home an’ show up bright-eyed for work tomorrow mornin’.”
>You narrow your eyes at her, trying to discern her reasoning for abandoning work so early in the day.
>Her smug smirk refuses to crack under your intense scrutiny
>You squint harder
>The smirk on her lips gets smugger
>You squint to your maximum, putting all your effort into keeping your peepers just barely open as you stare into her deep emerald eyes
>Her lips threaten to escape the physical confines of her face, so smug is her smirking
>You hold the stare for a second longer before sighing in defeat and relaxing your face
“Alright, you got me that time, but you haven’t won the war Applehorse. What’s really happening here?”
>AJ straightens up and reaches under her hat, pulling out a very ostentatious envelope with a golden sun emblazoned onto the back
>”Ya got correspondence from the Princess, Sugarcube. Looks pretty official.”
>You take the envelope into your hands, carefully turning it so you can see both sides
>It’s got gold leaf trim along the corners and Celestia’s personal seal on the flap, and on the back it reads, “To: Anonymous the Monkey-Man.”
>Sunbutt always did have a bad sense of humor
>Your discerning (read: fucking awful) eyes notice that it’s been opened, as the seal has been hastily pressed down again, no doubt by Earth Pony hooves
>You look up at AJ, who shrugs again
>”The messenger said that Ah could take a look, so Ah did. Wanted to see what was so important that you had to be pulled away from Mah orchards. He also told me you’d need the next few days off. Can’t say I’m too happy about that, but Celestia gets what she wants.”
>You snort derisively and shake your head, rolling your eyes at AJ’s antics
>The letter inside the envelope is gilded with some sort of illusion magic
>The paper changes color in much the same way as Sunbutt’s hair flows
>Pink to green to blue and back to pink again
>It makes your eyes tear up something awful
>”Dear Anonymous, ”I am writing today to congratulate you on your second year in Equestria. I understand that there have been trials and difficulties in the past-“
>Understatement of the goddamn year, all years
>”-but I am pleased to hear that you have gotten past most of them, and were in fact instrumental in rebuilding Ponyville more than once. To celebrate your achievements, as well as to catch up with you in general, I am inviting you to Canterlot Castle for a few days. Luna will be here as well, and I’m sure she’ll want you to regale her with some of your stories of the human world. A carriage will arrive for you at 5 in the afternoon today, and we cannot wait to see you.”
>Fuckin’ sweet
>You get to hang with Celestia AND her cute sister
>Gonna have to rub that in Twilight’s face at some point
>A little banter is always fun
>Oh, there’s a postscript
>”P.S. We have in our possession a very interesting artifact that we just recovered from the ancient ruins of Castle Sovera. I’d like you to be there when we begin investigating it. We have a lot to talk about, so go ahead and take the day off to get ready for your visit. I’ll have my messenger tell Applejack to let you off early.”
>Now that’s interesting
>You’ll get to check out a brand new artifact as the royal sisters examine it
>Now’s as good a time as any to get into archaeology, you suppose
>Wait, did that say 5 tonight?
>AW FUCK
>You scramble to your feet and start sprinting away, yelling back at AJ
“AJ I’M SUPER SORRY I GOTTA GO PACK AND STUFF I’LL WORK EXTRA HARD WHEN I GET BACK I PROMISE SEE YA”
>Applejack waves back at you frantically before hollering at the top of her lungs
>”AH HOPE IT GOES WELL ANON! LET ME KNOW IF YA GET SOME!”
>Wat the fug
>Oh well, time’s a-wastin’
>You speed the fuck home
>A mad dash up Ponyville’s main thoroughfare
>A quick turn into the side alleys you know by heart
>Stop at the exit so you don’t run into any pones…
>and…
>GO!
>The simple wooden door of your residence greets your face at high speed, nearly shattering your nose and giving you a nasty bump on the cheek
>You fumble for your keys, waving hello to a few of your [spoiler]neigh[/spoiler]bors before you shoulder your door aside and scramble down the hall into your bedroom
“Where’d I put that fuckin’ suitcase?!”
>You begin tearing apart your pigsty of a room, flinging aside clothes, overturning your nightstand, checking under your lamp, until you remember where it is
>As your hand meets your forehead rather forcefully, you open your closet to find a rather sizeable suitcase balanced atop your dresser
>A gift from the princesses during your first trip to Canterlot
>You fly around the room in a blur, packing every conceivable thing you might need for a visit with royalty
>Toiletries, shoes, clothes, maybe some snacks for the ride there
>Your favorite suit, full black with a red tie, makes it in there
>You’ll have to thank Rares for that later when you’re not extremely fucking stressed
>Shoes, socks, and several Nomura-brand belts imported straight from Neighpon all find their way into your magically expanded suitcase
>The folding of your shirts, pants, and socks is long and tedious
>Everything has to be just right so none of it gets wrinkled
>Gotta look pristine for the princesses, after all
>By the end of your panic-induced packing, the nightstand clock reads 3 pm
>You still have around 2 hours to kill, and not much else to pack
>May as well freshen up and wear your best suit up to the castle
>The bathroom is small, but built specifically to accommodate your larger stature, as is the rest of this house, right down to your sofa and bed
>Another gift from the princesses
>You strip down and step into the bathroom, giving yourself over to your favored hygienic routines
>Shit, shower, shave that 3 ‘o clock shadow
>You pull your best suit on, lace up your shoes, and tighten your belt
>It’s still only 4 pm
>WHY IS WAITING SO HARD
>…
>You have the sudden urge to bother the local librarian
>Oh, she did some great stuff, but did she help repair the town when it got fucked up by that huge-ass skybear?
>Nope
>That was all you
>And about 50 other pones but mostly you
>Now she thinks that just because she and her pals beat that interdimensional chaos god or whatever and saved Canterlot from overgrown bugs that she’s hot shit
>…
>She’s not wrong
>Eh, a little banter between friends always livens things up
>Purplesmart lives just up the street from you, so you navigate there in about 2 minutes
>Rapping sharply on the door oughta get her attention
>After a few seconds, a horned purple pone sticks her head out of the library door
>”Well hey there, Anon. It’s been awhile, huh?”
>Delightful as always
>That was sarcasm
>You pull your lips into the smuggest, most cocksure grin you’ve ever worn, and step into the library
“Hey Porchlight, it has been a while. What’ve you been up to?”
>She motions to respond, but you cut her off
“Well hey, doesn’t matter right now, because yours truly gets to visit the princesses.”
>You HEAR the color drain from her face
>Her right ear twitches almost imperceptibly
>That is the face of somepony who just ate a whole lemon
>You tighten your smirk and soldier on
“In fact, I’m seeing them tonight. Pretty cool, huh? Bet you wish you were there.”
>Twilight’s face struggles to pull itself into something remotely resembling a grimace
>She looks like an aneurysm waiting to happen
>”I-I’m sure you’ll have a great time there Anon.”
>Hoo man, she’s not taking this well
>Not that you care all that much
>It’s all in good fun
>You’ll need to ask Celestia why it’s such a sore subject later though
>Twilight seems overly sensitive about this whole thing
>You check your Ironpony watch (a gift from Luna) and prepare to saunter out of the treebrary
>A thought occurs to you as you turn to leave
“Hey Purplesmart? What do you know about Castle Sovera?”
>Twi perks up a little at the mention of something that isn’t Princess Celestia
>”Castle Sovera? That’s a majestic old ruin along Equestria’s southern border. Why do you ask?”
>You decide to be nice and give her a few scraps of info
“Ol’ Sunbutt told me about it in her letter. Said she’d just recovered something from there, wanted to show me as part of my visit.”
>Twilight glowers at your use of the princess’ nickname, but her entire mood shifts when you mention the mysterious artifact Celestia wrote about
>”Princess Celestia found something in that old place?”
“Yeah, is there anything you know about that area? Anything cool going on when that place wasn’t dead as hell?”
>She tilts her head to one side as she tries to remember what she can of the old castle
>When that fails, she scrunches her face up and floats down a few books from the higher shelves, skimming them
>”I think the ancients there were working on some sort of magic to enhance individuals. Their murals and scrolls make multiple mentions of undergoing trials in order to gain power beyond understanding.”
>You suddenly wonder if being in the same room as one of those artifacts is a good idea
>Nevertheless, you’ve bugged her enough for one day; Time to be nice again
“Hm. That’s pretty offputting. Thanks for the info. I might tell you about it when I come back, if Sunbutt lets me.”
>She perks up the rest of the way, giddy with the prospect of new research.
>”Really?! That would be fantastic, Anon! There’s been a huge dearth of research into Soveran magical practices, so the artifact you examine would possibly be the first one examined by Equestrians! Make sure to take lots of notes while you’re there!”
>Jeez, she’s kinda cute when she’s excited about something
>A sigh and a wave accompany you out the door
“Yeah yeah, I’ll make sure to bring some note paper. See you when I get back. Don’t total the library while I’m gone.”
>Purplesmart waves goodbye as you leave the library, practically bouncing in place as you go
>As you step out onto the afternoon street, you check your watch
>4:30
>Time to go home and still the butterflies in your stomach
>The walk home is uneventful
>Every pone seems to be at work or locked in their houses
>It’s an uneventful summer afternoon, and like most such days, fucking nothing is happening
>Well, at least a lot of something is going to be happening to you very soon
>You brush your teeth again, paranoid about the smell of your breath
>The windows and back door are all locked up tight, so you don’t need to worry about intruders
>Your suitcase is full and you are ready to get the fuck out of this town and see your two favorite princesses
>You step outside at 4:55, having spent the last 25 minutes getting your house and yourself ready to go
>The carriage arrives at 5 pm on the dot, pulled by two massive stallions, a pegasus decked out in the golden armor of Celestia’s guard and a bat pony sporting the deep purple coverings of Luna’s soldiers
>It’s a beautiful thing, worthy of the princesses themselves
>A few ponies peek out of their houses to see what the commotion is about, and quickly dart back behind their blinds when they see the carriage and the guards parked outside your house
>You wave awkwardly at the guards and lug your suitcase into the carriage, plopping it down next to your feet
>The pegasus marches up to the door and speaks in the smoothest baritone you’ve ever heard out of a military horse’s mouth
>”This is a brand new, state-of-the-art model of carriage. It contains magical wards that boost performance, allowing rapid transit approaching the speed of sound. Fortunately, those same wards will keep you stabilized and safe inside the carriage for the duration of our journey. Estimated time from here to Canterlot Castle is 20 minutes, and once we leave we will not be coming back until your visit is over. Please make sure you have everything you need.”
>Celestia’s been busy
>Luna too
>Just a year ago the princesses were traveling around half the speed of sound, and now they have heavily armored guards that can approach the sound barrier
>Magic is pretty cool
>The ride was uneventful
>You saw the sights on the way there, mountains to your right, fields to the left, Everfree behind
>Not bad at all, but you’ve seen it before
>The carriage banks around as the guards fly towards a very glitzy dock
>Marked with the sun, so it must be Celestia’s personal landing pad
>You’d feel bad about it if you weren’t already stifled by the sheer amount of class present in the carriage
>As you step down to exit, the guards detach themselves from their harnesses
>”We will accompany you to the Princesses. Please follow us.”
>A quick glance at your watch shows that the time is…
>5:21
>Holy shit, those guys weren’t kidding
>As you carry your suitcase out (magic makes it weigh almost nothing) you try to crack a joke
“The wards work just fine, but I think Celestia needs to work out the kinks. I almost turned into a pancake when we landed.”
>The guards’ heads whip around, mortified expressions on their faces
>”Please, forgive us Anonymous! We had no way of knowing you were suffering as we arrived!”
>You feel really bad for these guys, but they look like they’re about to shit themselves
>Heh
“Hey guys, don’t trip. I’ll just make a suggestion to Celestia about it. Won’t even mention you.”
>They look hilariously relieved
“Cmon, let’s go see the princesses.”
>”R-right, of course sir.”
>The guards march you through the mazelike corridors of Canterlot Castle, past busts of nobles and paintings of Celestia raising the sun
>No art of Luna though, not yet
>You got here just after the whole Nightmare Moon thing, but you got the Ponyvillians to fill you in as they opened up to you
>Poor gal
>Lost in thought, you stumble into the ass of Luna’s guard
>He, mercifully, pretends not to notice
>”We are here, Anonymous. Through these doors the Princesses await you.”
>They start to back up and walk away
“H-hey, thanks for the ride guys”
>They vanish down the hallway and out of sight
>Damn, they’re stoic as fuck
>You wish you were that cool
>The massive double doors swing inwards with a grace that contradicted their size and weight
>Alicorn magic, no doubt
>Beyond the doors, an utterly massive dining hall awaits you
>Seriously, you can’t even see the ceiling
>The grand buffet table to your right is curiously empty
>”Hello Anonymous!”
>Oh
>You jerk your head to the left, looking for the source of the voice
>The sight of the princess sisters seated at a plastic folding table greets your eyes
>Uh
>As you stand there like the slackjawed idiot you are, Celestia covers her mouth and giggles
>Luna follows suit
>Fuckin’ princesses
>Always ‘avin a giggle at your expense.
>You slap on your best expression of mock-irritation and trudge over to their little pony picnic table
“Hey Sunbutt, Lunar Lander. How’re my two favorite princesses?”
>Celestia chuckles at your nickname, while Luna just looks lost
>”W-what is a lunar lander? What do you mean, Anonymous?”
>You shrug, not wanting to open that particular can of worms just yet
“I’ll tell you later, once I’ve gotten settled in here. So, how are you ladies doing? Is it boring as hell up here or what?”
>Luna groans and slams her head into the table
>Celestia sighs and lowers her head as well, resting it on her napkin
>”It’s been very rough lately, Anonymous. The nobles have been demanding more security in the wake of the Changeling attack, and there’s a whole bunch of other calls to action you don’t need to concern yourself with. I suspect we need to unwind just as much as you do.”
“Well then, I’m glad you called me up here. What do you have planned for tonight?”
>A small smile graces Celestia’s face, just enough to show you her gratitude at getting her away from her duties
>”We are going to eat, and the castle chefs will make you anything you want, even fish if that’s what you’d like. After that I was thinking we’d take a look at the artifact Luna and I recovered from Castle Sovera. If you’re as curious about it as we are I’m sure you’ve been dying to know about it all day.”
>A chuckle escapes your lips at the mention of the mysterious object described in the letter
“Me and Twilight both. I asked her about Castle Sovera and told her about the artifact you mentioned in your letter. She was VERY insistent that I take notes back to her about it.”
>Concern flashes over both of their faces for just an instant, but it’s gone before you can point it out
>That doesn’t exactly make you feel better about telling Purplesmart about the thingy
>Welp, nothing to do now but soldier on, even if it kills you
>…Which hopefully will not happen
“Uh, soooo… Oh, right. Twi told me that the Soverans were trying to do something about “overcoming trials for power” or sumthin like that. What do you guys know about it?”
>Celestia casts a hesitant glance at Luna, who shakes her head no
>”We, uh. H-how about you eat before we talk about that? I’m sure you’re hungry Anon. Order something from our chefs and we’ll talk all about the Soveran artifact.”
>This is starting to get very weird
>You’re getting REALLY apprehensive about this whole thing
>After all, this was supposed to be a nice, safe, funny visit, not a visit that made you fear for you and your friends’ lives
>A hearty growl from your stomach pierces the awkward silence in the room, and you begin to think of the extravagant dishes you could have cooked up for you
>Mmmmmm…
>Maybe Ahi Tuna with lemon drizzle and thyme?
>Perhaps with a nice berry crisp for dessert?
>You could order a fish sandwich with every fixin you can think of
>The sky is literally the limit here
>…
>This is a fucking difficult choice
>Eventually you settle for lemon zested Ahi Tuna with a garden salad on the side and a huge double-chocolate brownie for dessert
>Something simple, but filling
>And SWEET
>Good lord, it’s been torture living just up the street from Sugarcube Corner
>If you ever ordered anything from them you’d be fat inside two days
>Anyway
>The meals all come out at once
>Celestia has a simple salad and a fuckhuge ice cream cake all to herself
>Luna scarfs down fried Mahi Mahi filets and the hardest cider Applejack’s farm can provide
>After a long silence punctuated by everyone scarfing down their food and drink, you all lean back with contented sighs
>Hooooooo shit, that was fantastic stuff
“My compliments to the chef, that was fuckin’ excellent.”
>Celestia giggles as Luna belches in a way you didn’t think was possible for such a small horse
>”I agree, that was a fine meal. Let’s digest for a bit and you can regale us with one of your human stories. Maybe explain what a lunar lander is to us, hm?”
>You recognize this for what it is: a distraction
>She’s trying to hold back the apprehensive mood from before
>You do want to know why she suddenly changed her tune, but that can wait for a bit
>You’d only just arrived, after all
>For the next couple of hours the problems of the world fall away as you blow their minds with stories of NASA and the space race of the sixties
>Several times you have to stop to address Luna’s flabbergasted questions or Celestia’s skepticism
>Moonbutt still can’t believe that humans have been to their moon
>She seems to abhor the very idea
>Not that you blame her
>Being stuck in a huge cold grey rock for a thousand years would make anyone want to stay away from it when they got out
>”So humans managed to get this… ‘rokkit’ into space by carefully controlling explosions in order to escape from your planet’s gravity? And then your species landed on the moon by using more explosions to stabilize your landing craft?”
“Right on the nose, Sunbutt.”
>It was now 7:30 pm
>Dinner was long digested and your legs were starting to cramp up
>Standing up quickly in order to stretch, you grin down at the princesses, noting Luna’s semi-drunken state
>Celestia giggles at the display
“Like what you see princess?”
>She blushes
>She actually fucking blushes
>dickcan’ttakeit.tiff
>What a cute
>No other being in this world can get away with talking to the princess like that
>You’re just special
“Hey relax, I’m just joking. Cmon, lets go take a look at that artifact. I wanna see it really bad.”
>Princess Celestia tenses right up and refuses to meet your eyes
“You told me about it in your letter and it’s all I’ve really thought about since I left Sweet Apple Acres. I wanna investigate that shit.”
>Celestia looks like she’s seriously regretting her life decisions up to this point
>Hopefully you can find out why she’s so jumpy about this thing
>”Very well, Anonymous. Let us enter the artifact chamber. I will show you the object of your curiosity, and hopefully explain why experimenting with it is a bad idea.”
>Experimenting?
>Interesting choice of words, since you’re pretty sure you didn’t say that
>Before you have time to follow that train of thought, Sunbutt’s horn begins to glow
>Uh ohHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
>The “pop” of teleportation accompanies you as you appear inside of another massive hall
>Oh god, you were never gonna get used to that
>Pillars with torches line the walls and extend into the darkness beyond, filling the hall
>In the middle of the room rests a single table, lit by candles on its four corners
>On that table rests-
>”Here is the artifact we recovered from Castle Sovera, Anonymous.”
>You jump out of your goddamn skin
>Sunbutt was right in your ear when she whispered that
“Jeez, try not to give me a heart attack next time.”
>Moonbutt pops in behind you, facing away from the table
>”Celly? Nonny? Where’dja go?”
>She looks back and forth, and then whirls around to face you
>”There you are! Here’s the weird trial thingy we found.”
>She’s still half-drunk
>Or is she whole-drunk?
>At this point you can’t tell
>Celestia begins to walk forward, beckoning you with her hoof
>”Approach the artifact table, Anonymous. You may look, but do not touch.”
>As you get close, you see that an arrow has been placed on the table
>Not just any old arrow either
>This thing must be sculpted out of bronze or iron alloy
>The arrowhead is a deep gold, covered in intricately carved curves and lines that decorate the entirety of it
>Two parallel lines jut down from the bottommost corners, giving the whole thing the appearance of a stylized horseshoe
>Interestingly, a carved scarab perches atop the flat of the arrowhead
“Scarabs? Is this a Neighgyptian arrow?”
>”That’s what we’d thought at first, but as far as either of us know the Soverans had no interaction with Neighgypt whatsoever. Wherever this thing came from, it wasn’t Neighgypt. There are no records whatsoever of this arrow from ancient Equestrian texts, but we have magically dated the first Soveran wall mural depicting it to 15,000 years ago.”
>Fifteen thousand years?
>Based on what little you can remember from ancient pone history, that would make the first recorded appearance of this thing as old as Discord, possibly even older
>Wait, wall mural?
“Wall mural, huh? What does it say about this thing?”
>Celestia’s face puckers like she just ate a particularly sour lemon
>”There was mention of… ritualistic self-mutilation. Those who yearned for the powers of gods had to be strong-willed enough, battle-ready enough to pierce their flesh with this very arrow. Those that survived the agonizing pain and scarring were granted the boons of gods, and led their ponies into a golden age of prosperity and might.”
>Ah
>That explains the sudden shift in her mood
>Probably didn’t want her favorite student getting involved with blood sacrifice or whatever the hell that shit is
>Likely didn’t want you getting too interested either
>Not that you blame her
>Sounds a hell of a lot like the Mayans back home
>But also sounds pretty metal
>Survive pricking yourself and the agony it comes with and you get the power of gods
>Not a bad deal, in your mind
>Not really selling you on this whole thing, though
“How much proof do you guys have that this stuff was legit? Is it all just shit-talking?”
>Luna pipes up from the back, having regained control of her fine motor functions while Celestia was giving you a history lesson
>”It’s real, all right. According to the rest of the murals we found, those who survived the arrow’s self-mutilation were granted guardian spirits by their deities, spirits which would stand alongside them in battle. Their exploits were as horrifically bloody as they were fascinating. The last mural was almost completely destroyed and there was nothing we could translate or interpret.”
>This is starting to sound REALLY familiar, but you can’t quite place where you’ve heard this sort of story before and you aren’t really convinced it’s true anyway
“Really? You just have a bunch of ancient legends to go on. That’s not cool or anything. Twilight asked me to take notes on this thing and now you’ve really piqued my curiosity as well.”
>Celestia’s cheek twitches as you step closer to the arrow
“I’d like to see if this thing really does grant the powers of gods, so let’s test it on me.”
>Celestia’s eyes nearly pop out of her head while Luna furrows her brow, deep in thought
“If nothing happens then we’ll know the Soverans were just idiots who believed in a bunch of mystic mumbo jumbo, and if it works we’ll be able to confirm everything they’ve written down in their castle. This is fucking monumental, Celestia. You’ll be able to add a whole section to the history books.”
>”W-what? Anonymous, we mustn’t! We cannot mess around with powers we do not understand! You could die!”
>The rolling of your eyes could break Discord free, it’s so loud
“Relax Celery Stick, I’ll just make a little slice on my finger and we’ll see if it even hurts or anything. You guys disinfected this thing, right?”
Celestia hesitates, and Luna seizes on the lull in conversation
>”You know it Anon. Sis, I think that we should have Anon try it out. We could learn some cool shit from this thing if it grants Anon the powers the murals talked about, and if nothing comes of it then we can write off the legends as just that: dumb stories.”
>Celestia looks up at you, concern etched deeply into her face
>She looks back to the arrow
>Back to you again
>To Luna
“Cmon, it’ll be exciting!”
>Better you than Twilight
>You’d like to think that you’re a bad motherfucker and that Twi probably faints at the sight of blood
>After what feels like an eternity of internal deliberation, Celery relents
>”…Fine. We will test the arrow and see how it affects you. All we’ll do is nick your finger with the edge. Luna, try to take notes.”
>This may have been a bad idea, but you’re pretty sure nothing’s gonna happen to your poor finger aside from a small cut
>Celestia levitates the candles and arrow off the table, and Luna gestures for you to lay down upon it on your back
>You follow their orders, laying down on the smooth stone and spreading your right hand out palm up so that Celestia can prick your finger
>Luna shakily levitates a scroll and quill off to the side for notes
>You take a very deep shuddering breath, and let it go
>It’s not gonna work at all
>You’re just gonna get a cut on your finger and that’s it
>Yep
>This is a little too ritualistic for your liking, but if this is how Celestia wants to do it, all you can do is go along
>She’s probably just following the process you assume is depicted on the Soveran murals
>You hope
>Celestia steps forward, the arrow pointed downwards in her magical grasp
>”Alright Anon. In order to keep you from squirming around and potentially damaging your hand irreversibly, I will magically bind your right arm to the table. It will be uncomfortable, but if all goes well there should only be a small prickle of pain.”
>You’re really not liking the sound of that, but the sooner she pokes you the sooner you can all go back to talking about how the Soverans were full of shit
>Your right arm stops moving completely
>Celestia has bound it to the table, and though you try to squirm it remains completely still
>The arrow descends
>It’s not even gonna hurt that bad
>Oh well, all in a days work proving ancient beliefs incorrect
>As you see it draw near your hand, you swear the scarab on the arrowhead starts moving
>Probably just a trick of the light
>potentialbadacidtrip.gif
>”Here we go.”
>The arrowhead meets your skin, producing a dull pain as it slices the pad of your right ring finger
>Not much else happens
“Well dang, I guess it was all justAAAAAAAAAAOOOOW FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK-“
>HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS
>OH JESUS THE ARROW IS DIGGING INTO YOUR FINGER
>YOU CAN FEEL IT CRUSHING SINEW AND SLASHING CAPILLARIES
>THE SCARAB ON THE TIP IS EATING YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT
>IT’S ALMOST DOWN TO THE BONE
>aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA OH FUCK IT’S MOVING DOWN
>The arrow now rests at a ten degree angle in the wound Celestia made, almost parallel with the table
>It begins to push forward, slowly scraping back the flesh of your palm
>You can feel it grinding against your phalanges, then your carpals, and then your metacarpals
>It feels as though the flesh of your hand is being peeled back by the rustiest carving knife in existence
>Muscle and bone and sinew all exposed to the open air
>Pain receptors firing a million miles a second
>THEY WEREN’T FUCKING KIDDING ABOUT THE AGONY HOLY SHIT
>And as quickly as it began torturing you, it stops
>Your hand no longer feels as though it’s been flayed, and you hazard a glance down at it
>The skin is all still there
>No bugs crawling around in your hand
>The only indication of the arrow’s assault is the initial cut across your ring finger
>It doesn’t even hurt anymore
>Jesus, did you hallucinate that whole thing?
>Celestia, who is currently crying in her sister’s arms, indicates that nope, everything just actually happened
>Wow, that was fucking horrible
>You’re sorry you ever wanted to see the damn thing in the first place
>As you scramble up off the table, Luna looks up from comforting her sister in surprise
>”Look Tia, he is awake!”
>Awake?
>You fell asleep?
>Were you hallucinating after all?
>Celestia gasps and shrinks away from you, seemingly as confused as you are
“I was asleep? What the fuck just happened?”
>”Anonymous, you screamed at the top of your lungs as soon as my sister applied the arrowhead to your finger, and passed out immediately. Celestia removed the arrow as soon as you cried out, and you were comatose for about thirty minutes.”
>Thirty minutes?
>It felt like that all took place over two minutes
>Also Luna is no longer drunk
>cool
>You take a second glance at your hand and realize that you’re still bleeding rather profusely from the incision
“Uh, hey, could I get some bandaids?”
>Darkness consumes your vision as you fall to the floor of the hall

>In the abyssal plain of your mind, you dream
>You dream of scarabs and arrows and pain
>There’s so much pain
>So many scarabs
>Scarabs of all sizes crawl out of the wound in your finger, from the impossibly tiny to the monstrously gargantuan, all flowing away in a chitinous stream
>You scream into the audient void, though no one can hear you
>Space stretches and pulls, as does your hand
>It doesn’t hurt though
>Wounds don’t hurt you here
>Only the scarabs
>With their legs like a million tiny needles skittering about beneath your skin
>They emerge from your eyes, your ears, your toenails, your throat
>You scream for an eternity, time stretched thin over one second of pure agony, and finally peter out
>One scarab the size of a small cat, gilded with emerald and glowing brightly, crawls out of your finger wound and flies up to eye level
>Its eyes, deep luminescent green amidst the blackness of your dreamscape, pierce straight through you, filling you with both dread and anticipation
>Behind it, a massive ornate arrowhead rotates into view, completely filling your field of vision
>The emerald scarab grows exponentially until it can rest comfortably on the flat of the arrowhead, where it regards you pointedly
>You don’t know how a hugeass bug can look pointedly, but it was doing just that
>You see a multitude of reflections upon its glossy chitin
>You, Celestia, Luna, Ponyville, the cosmos themselves
>The now giant scarab blinks once and vanishes
>And as suddenly as the nightmare began, it stops
>The beetles disappear, leaving your addled mind to drift in the ether of restfulness

>Something bright pulls you from the deep darkness of dreams
>The sun is shining directly into your eyes
>Goddammit Sunbutt
>You try to turn over in your bed
>Hang on a sec
>This isn’t your bed
>It’s barely even a proper bed
>Doesn’t have any cushioning or anything
>And the sheets are really thin
>You look down
>You’re in a goddamn hospital bed
>What the FUCK is going on?
>You got stabbed by the thingamajig last night, you remember that much
>Some sort of scientific investimagation of ancient ritual devices
>It’s starting to come back to you…
>An arrow
>A cut
>The flaying of your hand
>Celestia’s confusion
>Pain
>So very much pain
>If you look down, will your hand still be whole?
>You swear the arrow stripped it of its flesh last night
>Gulping, you quickly glance down at your right hand
>It’s intact
>No stitches except across your ring finger, and very few at that
>Phew
>Not losing your fapping hand today, no sir
>You’d have to learn how to jerk it with your left hand, and that would be a shitty experience
>A passing nurse sees that you are sitting up and enters the room with a gentle smile
>She has a little caduceus on her butt, with a cream-colored coat and a light brown mane
>”Good morning. I am Hippocratic Oath, and I am pleased to see that you are awake. Tell me, how are you feeling?”
>Shifting your butt to get comfy, you mentally take stock of your body
>Nothing feels out of place
>You have a cut on your finger and a slight headache
>And your dick is still attached
“I feel pretty alright right now, my only problem is that I’ve got a bit of a headache.”
>Oath perks up at the news
>”Oh, that’s fantastic! I’ll get you some ibuprofen for the headache, you’re probably slightly dehydrated from sleeping for so long.”
>Wait, how long were you asleep this time?
“How long have I been out?”
>Oath’s face scrunches up
>Hm
>”I-uh- I’m not at liberty to say. I’ll contact the princess and she’ll be in to see you shortly! Goodbye!”
>Fuck
>A reaction like that probably means you’ve been out for a day or two
>Either that or Celestia has kept this entire thing under wraps
>You really should have told your scientific curiosity to fuck off the edge of your dick
>Messing with things that you don’t understand is how a lot of bad shit happens
>You sigh and lean back, lamenting the loss of your weekend and of all that blood
>Might have been like 2 or 3 pints
>You could have bled the fuck out
>Must’ve been kept alive by magic
>The urgent clip-clopping of hooves outside tells you that Sunass is probably here
>Sure enough, the God-Sovereign herself pokes her head in the door, concern and guilt written all over her face
>You half-raise a hand in greeting and put on your most winning smile
“Hey Sunbutt, what’re you sitting there lookin’ all stressed for? I’m fit as a fiddle.”
>She rushes over and nearly collapses on top of you, shaking as she wraps her hooves around your body
>”Oh thank the Cosmic Matriarch you’re okay! I was so afraid we’d lose you, Anon! Even after your condition stabilized you stayed asleep for far longer than the doctors predicted and I’m just so relievedbecauseyou’refinallyawakeandI’mso-“
>As you hug her back, she stops talking in favor of burying her snout into your shoulder and shaking like a leaf
>The poor mare must’ve been worried sick about you while you were out
>awyeahshecares.ogg
“I’m alright now princess, so you don’t need to worry about me. How about you tell me what happened while I was out. From the way the staff is acting, I must’ve been napping for a long-ass time.”
>Celestia steps back and sits in the nearby chair, refusing to meet your eye like she’s a filly who just got caught breaking the rules
>She opens her mouth, shuts it, bites her lip, and opens it again, a pained expression on her face
>”A-Anon, you’ve been asleep for three days.”
>Holy SHIT
>That’s not good at all
>Some of your confusion must have shown on your face, because Celestia tenses up like you’re about to yell at her
“…Really? That’s pretty long. Why was I out for three whole days?”
>Fortunately, you manage to keep your voice and face stable as you question her.
>”…You lost a huge amount of blood while I was freaking out about you being in a coma. Luna was trying to patch you up, but she almost made the problem worse in her tipsy state. By the time you woke up you were as pale as Death.”
>She pauses to sniffle
>“I caught you as you fainted and teleported all three of us into the hospital wing of the castle. The doctors had to perform a transfusion of pony blood into your system, you’d just lost so much of your own. We were all terrified of you rejecting the transfusion, but thankfully it took, and you were… pulled back from the brink.”
>You’d have to send a thank you letter to the donor
>Never thought you’d have to get pone blood transfused into your veins
>”They stitched up your finger, but they told me that the wound just kept bleeding. It was just a trickle, but it didn’t stop until a couple hours later. They had to keep feeding you nutrients and a little extra blood until it finally stopped.”
>That’s… disturbing
>Maybe it had something to do with the arrow?
>Were the legends all actually true?
>That horrible torture you endured certainly FELT real, but did it actually happen?
>Should you tell Celestia about it?
>That may be a bad idea
>Who knows how she’d react?
>…It might be best to keep that particular part of it from her
>Still, you survived
>Even though it was with the aid of top-of-the-line medical attention, you survived
>That dream was weird as fuck though
>Better tell Sunny D about it
“Oh right, before I woke up here I had this really weird dream.”
>Her left eyebrow is poised to leave Equestria’s gravitational pull
“Yeah, so…”
>You described it in as much detail as you could
>Curiously, you remembered quite a lot of it
>You never remember your dreams
>Celestia seems to be lost in thought, her head tilted to the side, eyes skyward
“What’re you thinkin’ about, Sunhorse?”
>She jumps at the sound of your voice, drawn back out of her own head
>”Oh, I’m just trying to consider what meanings such a dream would have. On very rare occasions, some ponies dream of the future. I don’t think we’ll be overrun by scarabs or any other kind of bugs any time soon, though.”
>A chuckle escapes your lips at her sad attempt at a joke
“Cmon now, that was fuckin’ awful. You need to put in more effort next time.”
>She giggles at that and throws her head back, laughing heartily at the ceiling
>You join in, and the two of you laugh your heads off
>You can’t stop
>Neither can she
>She just keeps going
>Tears streak down her face
>Laughter fades into tears
>Princess Celestia, God-Sovereign of Equestria, is crying
>Because of you
>Because you decided to fuck with things you shouldn’t have
>Because she’s scared that she could have lost you
>Unfortunately, before you can respond or protest, Celestia averts her gaze and walks back to the door
>”I’m sorry Anonymous. I never should have pricked you with that arrow. The entire weekend went to waste and I’m sure you’re upset at me and I just- I’m just so stupid sometimes. I’ve made too many mistakes in my long life, and too many ponies have been hurt because of me. I’m ashamed to count you among their number.”
>Her shoulders heave slightly
>Is… is she crying?
“H-hey Celestia wait-“
>”You’ll be released from the hospital and returned to Ponyville as soon as the doctors pronounce you better. The guards will be waiting for you outside when you leave. I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry Anon.”
>Celestia dashes out of the room as fast as her hooves allow
>Holy shit, she’s really torn up about this
>You’ll need to talk to her as soon as you can
>Can’t let the princess shit on herself like that
>Time passes
>The next morning…
>You are Anonymous
>And today you are getting released from the hospital wing
>The doc pronounced you mostly fit except for the slight headache
>They gave you some more ibuprofen, took out your stitches, slapped you on the ass, and announced your release from the hospital
>True to Sunny D’s word, you were marched out of your room all the way to the reception area by a veritable army of nurses and doctors
>At least the nurses were cute
>The guards from a few days ago were waiting for you outside, next to the carriage you rode in on
>They didn’t let you see Celestia
>Apparently their orders were to take you straight home, suitcase and all
>Your pleas weren’t working, so you eventually just gave up and got in
>The ride home was just as uneventful as the ride there
>By noon you were back in your house, slumped over on the sofa
>You didn’t want to move, didn’t want to think
>Your head still hurt, but you weren’t worried about that
>A little time at home would do you good
>Hopefully
>You decide to spend the rest of the day farting around in your room
>It’s not a lot of fun
>Jerking it to hot pone action just isn’t as good when you’re responsible for giving the ruler of the pone world depression
>When the clock strikes 10 pm you decide to hit the hay
>Perhaps tomorrow will bring better things