1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,187
And the subject is Work.

2
00:00:06,145 --> 00:00:11,561
The pollen count, that's a difficult job.

3
00:00:18,153 --> 00:00:21,797
Easiest job in the world, of course:
Australian psychiatrist.

4
00:00:21,797 --> 00:00:25,101
[Australian accent] "Good day. Good day.
How you doing. No worries. Next."

5
00:00:27,434 --> 00:00:32,580
I lost my job with LastMinute.com for
being persistently late.

6
00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:36,032
I lost my job as a cricket commentator
for saying the words,

7
00:00:36,032 --> 00:00:39,792
"I don't want to bore you with the
details."

8
00:00:42,553 --> 00:00:48,709
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at
work, beekeepers are gonna be furious.

9
00:00:50,621 --> 00:00:57,952
My wife--it's difficult to say what she
does--she sells seashells on the seashore.

10
00:01:03,660 --> 00:01:06,270
Some people say the firefighters deserve
more money,

11
00:01:06,270 --> 00:01:11,803
but, apparently a poll was taken and they
all fell through a hole in the floor.

12
00:01:16,046 --> 00:01:19,889
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather
would think of what I do.

13
00:01:19,889 --> 00:01:25,126
He spent his whole life in the kebab
business, was buried with all his equipment.

14
00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:28,725
He's probably turning in his grave.

15
00:01:32,747 --> 00:01:35,144
The topic is Health.

16
00:01:37,869 --> 00:01:40,733
My sister's got hay fever.

17
00:01:41,429 --> 00:01:45,749
Now, she's got diabetes, so I tried to
cheer her up, you know,

18
00:01:45,749 --> 00:01:48,759
flowers ... chocolates ...

19
00:01:53,743 --> 00:01:59,601
About a month before he died, my grandfather--
we covered his back with lard.

20
00:01:59,691 --> 00:02:04,391
After that, he went downhill very quickly.

21
00:02:09,312 --> 00:02:12,648
Recently had bird flu,
but it's all relative, isn't it?

22
00:02:12,648 --> 00:02:18,232
If I have rabies and you offered me bird
flu, I'd bite your hand off.

23
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,996
Last summer, I set up a clinic
for colonic irrigation.

24
00:02:26,996 --> 00:02:30,841
But, the hosepipe ban hit us hard.

25
00:02:37,165 --> 00:02:39,521
Dara: And the topic is Travel.

26
00:02:44,851 --> 00:02:47,861
I've just come back from Australia.

27
00:02:47,861 --> 00:02:55,177
While I was there, I learned some Aboriginal
words like 'boo', which means to return,

28
00:02:55,177 --> 00:02:58,555
'cause when you throw an ordinary merang...

29
00:03:05,496 --> 00:03:09,240
I didn't think much of the film on the
plane coming back from Australia.

30
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:16,562
Turned out to be a 24-hour animation of
a plane traveling from Sydney to London.

31
00:03:18,983 --> 00:03:23,601
Whatever you do, don't go and see
Time to Destination.

32
00:03:26,576 --> 00:03:30,567
Italians, slanty little eyes.

33
00:03:34,399 --> 00:03:37,317
Sorry, italics.

34
00:03:43,855 --> 00:03:47,828
Just come back from Dartmoor where I spent
three days shooting at life size models

35
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:50,561
of Sarah Ferguson and Princess Diana.

36
00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:53,781
Got nothing against them myself, it's just
that they made it part of the

37
00:03:53,781 --> 00:03:57,115
Duke of Edinburgh's award scheme.

38
00:04:00,926 --> 00:04:04,321
I've just come back from Russia.

39
00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:07,705
Always wanted to go out with a Russian
girl 'cause in my experience,

40
00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:13,277
inside every Russian woman, there's
another Russian woman.

41
00:04:14,911 --> 00:04:17,435
The subject is Family.

42
00:04:19,109 --> 00:04:26,427
One of my earliest memories is seeing my
mother's face through the oven window.

43
00:04:30,881 --> 00:04:36,841
As we played hide-and-seek, she said,
"You're getting warmer."

44
00:04:39,021 --> 00:04:42,341
My Auntie Jean got a sister called Jean.

45
00:04:42,341 --> 00:04:44,959
Her daughter Jean just had a baby,
called it

46
00:04:45,299 --> 00:04:47,247
Jean.

47
00:04:47,352 --> 00:04:49,351
They went to a nightclub to celebrate.

48
00:04:49,351 --> 00:04:52,425
They got to the door and the bouncer
said, "Sorry ...

49
00:04:57,894 --> 00:05:01,088
"You're all wearing trainers."

50
00:05:05,369 --> 00:05:13,495
My grandfather, Jean, was always complaining
about how much things cost.

51
00:05:13,495 --> 00:05:18,915
"One pound fifty for a cup of tea? Two
pounds twenty-five for three custard creams?"

52
00:05:18,915 --> 00:05:24,381
"Look grandad you just popped 'round,
I didn't invite you."

53
00:05:28,984 --> 00:05:32,002
My other grandfather was always going on
about how in the old days

54
00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:34,012
people could leave their back doors open.

55
00:05:34,012 --> 00:05:38,121
Which is probably why
his submarine sank.

56
00:05:41,479 --> 00:05:44,382
My other grandfather--

57
00:05:46,039 --> 00:05:49,845
when he died, we didn't even get the
chance to say goodbye,

58
00:05:49,845 --> 00:05:55,881
which is all the more poignant,
because he drowned in a bowl of Cheerios.

59
00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:04,153
Dara: Relationships, Milton.

60
00:06:06,361 --> 00:06:09,581
Sometimes, I think I should settle down and
have a mature relationship.

61
00:06:09,581 --> 00:06:15,412
Then I think to myself it's the middle
of the conker season!

62
00:06:18,066 --> 00:06:20,185
Never give up your seat for a lady.

63
00:06:20,185 --> 00:06:23,504
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

64
00:06:28,725 --> 00:06:29,954
I owe my mum.

65
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:34,349
She told me there was a bear
living under the stairs.

66
00:06:39,757 --> 00:06:45,801
My parents came up last weekend,
because I keep them in the cellar.

67
00:06:46,654 --> 00:06:51,601
That's not true.
I don't know who they are.

68
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:57,503
Got home from work the other day,

69
00:06:57,503 --> 00:07:01,160
my wife was wearing this slinky number

70
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,228
which only really worked when she
went down stairs.

71
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:16,993
Recently we bought a box set of Doctor Who
and watched it back to back.

72
00:07:16,993 --> 00:07:21,381
Unfortunately I wasn't the one
facing the screen.

73
00:07:22,558 --> 00:07:25,036
Dara: Subject is School.

74
00:07:31,649 --> 00:07:35,196
When I was 5 years old, my teacher asked me

75
00:07:35,196 --> 00:07:38,794
if I wanted to take the school guinea pig home.

76
00:07:39,474 --> 00:07:44,660
7 months later I arrived in the
African republic of Guinea.

77
00:07:50,529 --> 00:07:56,361
My parents didn't know where I was.
The British consulate wouldn't help.

78
00:07:56,361 --> 00:07:59,878
My space hopper had a puncture.

79
00:08:03,391 --> 00:08:06,500
When I was at school I spent half my time
afraid of things like

80
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:11,865
Fractions. Well, I say "half my time" ...

81
00:08:19,225 --> 00:08:21,943
It's not easy for teachers though,
I mean where do you stand?

82
00:08:21,943 --> 00:08:24,119
You stand at the front of the class,
you can write on the board,

83
00:08:24,119 --> 00:08:25,548
but you can't see the children.

84
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,460
Or do you stand at the back,
where you can see the children

85
00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:29,090
but you can't write on the board?

86
00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:31,698
I mean, no one's been able
to solve that dilemma.

87
00:08:31,848 --> 00:08:34,224
Not by a long chalk.

88
00:08:40,368 --> 00:08:42,361
When I was young I baked an apple tart.

89
00:08:42,361 --> 00:08:44,493
I took it to Leeds, Liverpool and Reading.

90
00:08:44,493 --> 00:08:51,905
All because my maths teacher said, "Make sure
you take pi to 3 dismal places."

91
00:08:57,601 --> 00:09:01,753
Dara: Festivals, who wants to come in on that?
Kevin.

92
00:09:02,398 --> 00:09:07,950
Nice picture there, that's me on your left.
So, I was at a Christian rock festival.

93
00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:10,620
I never really meant to be there,
I was just passing through

94
00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:13,621
this Christian rock festival,
and there was a stall set up.

95
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:20,292
It said "a free toastie for all of God's children."
I thought "Sure, I'm on."

96
00:09:21,991 --> 00:09:24,658
I said "How's it goin' mate, can I have a toastie?"

97
00:09:24,658 --> 00:09:28,005
And the guy said, "Are you a Christian?"
I thought, well, if I'm not a Christian,

98
00:09:28,005 --> 00:09:32,564
am I not getting a toastie?
That's not very Christian.

99
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:42,624
And with this the guy crumbled. Stood back,
took a look at the chalk board and said,

100
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:45,826
"OK, you can have cheese,
or cheese and ham."

101
00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:49,743
I thought "Ah, just cheese mate,
cos I'm a Jew."

102
00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:57,875
Topic is Jobs.

103
00:10:03,308 --> 00:10:05,825
I used to work at a Christian rock festival

104
00:10:05,825 --> 00:10:08,656
selling toasties.

105
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:21,224
My best day was when I sold this Jewish bloke
some yellow ham.

106
00:10:24,610 --> 00:10:28,382
My Dad was a dustman. I didn't like him
coming to collect us from school.

107
00:10:30,982 --> 00:10:36,961
Not that I was ashamed he was a dustman.
You never knew which day he was going to come.

108
00:10:42,841 --> 00:10:46,848
The rest of my family were police marksmen.

109
00:10:46,848 --> 00:10:50,431
Apart from my grandfather.
He was a bank robber.

110
00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:52,239
He died quite recently,

111
00:10:52,239 --> 00:10:55,282
surrounded by his family.

112
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:09,657
My uncle, he's a police frogman.
No sorry, he's a French policeman.

113
00:11:10,817 --> 00:11:12,891
I used to work in a supermarket.

114
00:11:12,891 --> 00:11:16,273
It was my job to hand out
samples of things for people to taste.

115
00:11:16,273 --> 00:11:22,094
However, I was asked to leave after the
"little cups of bleach" incident.

116
00:11:26,306 --> 00:11:28,401
After that I worked in a pathology lab.

117
00:11:28,401 --> 00:11:30,806
I was asked to leave after
one of my reports said,

118
00:11:30,806 --> 00:11:34,821
"Cause of death: Autopsy."

119
00:11:38,769 --> 00:11:41,004
And the subject is Travel.

120
00:11:45,328 --> 00:11:48,412
When I was young my Mum used to put
food on a spoon and say,

121
00:11:48,412 --> 00:11:50,976
"There's a train coming,
there's a train coming."

122
00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:52,697
We'd always eat it it,
'cause we knew if we didn't

123
00:11:52,697 --> 00:11:56,687
she wouldn't untie us
from the railway lines.

124
00:12:01,732 --> 00:12:04,141
I tried to get here by train today.

125
00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:07,368
They said, "Today there is
a bus replacement service."

126
00:12:07,368 --> 00:12:11,858
I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.
They said, "What's that?"

127
00:12:11,858 --> 00:12:16,886
I said,
"That's my money replacement service."

128
00:12:19,248 --> 00:12:24,675
I didn't have any money because a friend
nicked my fiver.

129
00:12:27,489 --> 00:12:30,698
Thanks, that doesn't normally work.

130
00:12:36,344 --> 00:12:43,339
Anyway, I managed to borrow a car,
and parked it up in "Bus Lane."

131
00:12:47,361 --> 00:12:53,226
Last year I went on a ballooning holiday.
Put on 4 stone.

132
00:12:56,191 --> 00:12:59,978
The other day I bought one of those
offroad vehicles. 3000 quid.

133
00:12:59,978 --> 00:13:03,187
Got it home, found out it was a canoe.

134
00:13:07,450 --> 00:13:09,991
Dara: Entertainment.

135
00:13:15,644 --> 00:13:18,739
I was watching Blue Peter the other day.

136
00:13:18,739 --> 00:13:22,947
He was a neighbour with really bad circulation.

137
00:13:24,977 --> 00:13:30,815
I said to him
"Peter, why don't you get a pacemaker?"

138
00:13:30,815 --> 00:13:35,154
He said "I can't even run,
let alone keep up with someone."

139
00:13:36,117 --> 00:13:40,041
I was watching TV the other day.
I flipped over and all I could see

140
00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:42,300
were the brown cushions on my sofa really close up.

141
00:13:45,799 --> 00:13:47,792
You have to be careful watching television.

142
00:13:47,792 --> 00:13:49,588
You think to yourself,
"That bloke is better looking than me,

143
00:13:49,588 --> 00:13:54,690
"he's got a better car than me,
and he's got a cat called Jess."

144
00:13:57,739 --> 00:14:01,197
My favorite film is the French film "And."

145
00:14:01,197 --> 00:14:05,832
I think it was released over here as "ET."

146
00:14:11,754 --> 00:14:14,527
You have to admire people who go into
the performing arts;

147
00:14:14,527 --> 00:14:18,065
they have to do exercises every single day
for their future career.

148
00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:25,497
"Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ...
ih ih ih ih ih ih ih "Big Issue"

149
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:27,861
That's all from me, thank you.

150
00:14:28,696 --> 00:14:32,300
The subject is Food. Who wants to
start with that? Milton.

151
00:14:36,801 --> 00:14:42,061
I went for an Italian recently.
Well, he was annoying me.

152
00:14:43,695 --> 00:14:51,756
Incredible to think, isn't it, that every
single Scotsman started off as a Scotch egg.

153
00:14:56,820 --> 00:14:59,578
Cold and gingery.

154
00:15:01,608 --> 00:15:03,990
I was grilling some tomatoes,
the other day,

155
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:07,778
saying, "WHO ARE YOU?
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?"

156
00:15:08,965 --> 00:15:12,607
I almost got into the SAS.
I failed on one question:

157
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:15,675
they said, "Imagine the scenario:
terrorists have taken hostages,

158
00:15:15,675 --> 00:15:19,246
"they are holding them in an embassy,
what are your preferred tactics?"

159
00:15:19,246 --> 00:15:23,341
I said "I like the orange ones."

160
00:15:26,561 --> 00:15:30,632
I was in the park the other day,
watching an old man feed the birds,

161
00:15:30,632 --> 00:15:36,240
and after a while I thought to myself,
"I wonder how long he's been dead?"

162
00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:40,979
When the boys in the playground found out

163
00:15:40,979 --> 00:15:46,148
that I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts,
they used to shove me up against the wall

164
00:15:46,148 --> 00:15:52,627
and make me play Russian roulette
with a bag of Revels.

165
00:15:54,665 --> 00:15:56,469
That's all, good night!

166
00:15:57,511 --> 00:16:00,150
Dara: The topic is Careers.

167
00:16:07,987 --> 00:16:12,717
In college, I studied agriculture and
communication, specialising in sheep.

168
00:16:14,505 --> 00:16:19,037
In the end I came out with a BAA.

169
00:16:25,439 --> 00:16:27,824
After that, I set up the British sheep census,

170
00:16:27,824 --> 00:16:30,284
but I fell asleep halfway through that.

171
00:16:34,775 --> 00:16:38,190
At the end of the day, my Dad always
goes around pulling

172
00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:40,433
out all the plugs and turning out all
the lights.

173
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,643
Very safety conscious.

174
00:16:42,643 --> 00:16:46,378
Why he got the sack from air traffic control...

175
00:16:49,861 --> 00:16:53,121
My nephew, when he grows up, he
wants to be an accountant.

176
00:16:53,121 --> 00:16:58,071
So, for his birthday I bought him
a great, big bag of receipts.

177
00:16:58,992 --> 00:17:05,691
Said, "Listen, don't worry if you don't
like them, I've kept all the presents."

178
00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:16,272
You know when you're a pirate,
and you work mainly canals?

179
00:17:18,044 --> 00:17:22,555
Annoying, isn't it, when you try and get
one of your enemies to walk the plank

180
00:17:22,555 --> 00:17:26,581
and they just run off down the towpath.

181
00:17:30,376 --> 00:17:32,857
Mind you, the state of the towpath near us,

182
00:17:32,857 --> 00:17:35,479
I wouldn't touch it with a...

183
00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:44,001
Dara: It's Travel. Away you go.

184
00:17:46,894 --> 00:17:52,405
Keep Britain tidy.
Chop off Norfolk and Cornwall.

185
00:17:54,969 --> 00:17:58,306
People from New Zealand don't like
being called Australian, do they?

186
00:17:58,306 --> 00:17:59,560
Ohhh no.

187
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,608
People from Britain don't realise
there's an entirely separate culture.

188
00:18:02,608 --> 00:18:04,469
There's a great big sea between
the two places.

189
00:18:04,469 --> 00:18:05,841
What people from New Zealand
don't realise

190
00:18:05,841 --> 00:18:08,887
is that we in Britain don't care.

191
00:18:11,625 --> 00:18:13,981
I've just come back from Holland.

192
00:18:13,981 --> 00:18:15,747
When I was there I was in
a fish restaurant,

193
00:18:15,747 --> 00:18:18,728
and the bloke on the table next to me
began to cough, so I ignored him.

194
00:18:18,728 --> 00:18:21,070
Then he began to cough a bit more,
so I still ignored him.

195
00:18:21,070 --> 00:18:22,970
Then he began to choke really,
really badly,

196
00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:25,897
so in the end I stood up and I
smacked him on the back really hard.

197
00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:31,361
Anyway, it turns out he was just
speaking Dutch.

198
00:18:34,062 --> 00:18:37,573
That works with Welsh as well.

199
00:18:39,987 --> 00:18:43,360
You have to admire the Dutch, because what
they've done, right, is legalise drugs,

200
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,490
and now there are far fewer people in prison.

201
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:48,740
I suppose the next step is to legalise murder.

202
00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:50,694
There'd be far, far fewer people.

203
00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:52,741
In general.

204
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:58,955
Sometimes, though, it's difficult to know
if you remember something

205
00:18:58,955 --> 00:19:01,236
or you remember the photograph of something.

206
00:19:01,236 --> 00:19:04,911
I think my earliest memory is of being in
America, standing over an air vent,

207
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:07,910
and my skirt billowing up...

208
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,302
That's all from me, thank you, good night.

209
00:19:12,835 --> 00:19:16,680
Dara: The subject is Health.
Who wants to come in on that? Carl.

210
00:19:17,084 --> 00:19:19,719
I suffer from recurring stomach problems,

211
00:19:19,719 --> 00:19:22,589
which sometimes lead me into
quite embarrassing situations.

212
00:19:22,589 --> 00:19:25,728
One happened when, about two years,
I went to see Alicia Keys live in concert

213
00:19:25,728 --> 00:19:29,742
at the O2 arena.
That's not the embarrassing bit.

214
00:19:30,364 --> 00:19:32,601
En route to meet friends to go to the show

215
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:34,445
I stopped off at my doctor's
to get a little checkup,

216
00:19:34,445 --> 00:19:36,774
and he said it was all fine,
but he wanted a stool sample,

217
00:19:36,774 --> 00:19:39,474
so he gave me a little pot and said,
"Do your sample, drop it in the morning."

218
00:19:39,474 --> 00:19:43,227
So I put it in my bag and then went to
meet friends for a drink before the show.

219
00:19:43,227 --> 00:19:44,793
About half an hour passed,
I felt movement.

220
00:19:44,793 --> 00:19:46,827
I thought, "I'd better do it now,
I've got to drop it in the morning."

221
00:19:46,827 --> 00:19:50,755
So I went to a pub toilet and I did my
sample in a pot and put it back in my bag.

222
00:19:50,755 --> 00:19:53,824
Went out, didn't tell my friends what
I'd done. We just carried on drinking.

223
00:19:53,824 --> 00:19:56,831
About half an hour later it's show time.
Went to the O2 arena,

224
00:19:56,831 --> 00:20:00,696
where I'd never been before,
to see Alicia Keys.

225
00:20:00,696 --> 00:20:03,812
And I reckon it was about 30 metres
from the front of the queue

226
00:20:03,812 --> 00:20:08,435
where I found out about their
compulsory bag search system.

227
00:20:09,428 --> 00:20:11,058
Have you ever tried to explain to
a security guard

228
00:20:11,058 --> 00:20:14,931
why you're trying to smuggle a stool sample
into an Alicia Keys concert?

229
00:20:14,931 --> 00:20:19,612
It's pretty tough. When he pulled it out,
I've never heard more shock in a man's voice.

230
00:20:19,612 --> 00:20:22,038
He just sort of went, "What is this?!"

231
00:20:22,038 --> 00:20:24,121
And I freaked out and said the first thing
that came into my head,

232
00:20:24,121 --> 00:20:27,008
so I went, "It's a pot of shit."

233
00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:33,234
Which he then repeated, louder.
He just sort of went, "A po' o' shi'!"

234
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:36,359
and it went back down the queue
like Chinese whispers.

235
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,841
About 20 people back I think I heard
somebody go,

236
00:20:38,841 --> 00:20:42,628
"I think there's a guy with a bowl of
chips at the front or something."

237
00:20:42,780 --> 00:20:45,381
So I'm just there, totally embarrassed,
didn't know what to do, I'm almost crying.

238
00:20:45,381 --> 00:20:48,784
I explained my story. The guy gets
his supervisor, who comes over

239
00:20:48,784 --> 00:20:51,740
and this is a great response. I was honestly
like, "I've got a bug, sorry."

240
00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:56,580
and he listens to all that and goes, "All
right, I believe you. You can keep it."

241
00:21:05,706 --> 00:21:09,468
OK, that leaves us with Milton.
Let's see what you've been left with.

242
00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:10,976
Spin the wheel.

243
00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:14,881
The subject is Relatives.

244
00:21:20,285 --> 00:21:24,081
The scariest thing that ever happened
to me in my entire life

245
00:21:24,081 --> 00:21:25,896
was when I was very little.

246
00:21:25,896 --> 00:21:29,773
My Dad said, "I'm just gonna pop upstairs."
And he went upstairs ...

247
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,971
and he popped!

248
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:42,548
I didn't speak to my Dad. Well, he was
a bus driver. You're not allowed to.

249
00:21:44,312 --> 00:21:48,440
My brother, he's allergic to cheese.
Not the taste, just if anyone says the word

250
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,481
he goes, bloop!

251
00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:56,551
Doesn't happen very often,
but we've got some weird family photos.

252
00:21:58,959 --> 00:22:02,036
My grandfather, he was a G.I.,
and he was in the RAF.

253
00:22:02,036 --> 00:22:03,892
OK, he was a giraffe.

254
00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,713
During the war,
when board games were illegal,

255
00:22:07,713 --> 00:22:12,334
he was put in prison for being
a Yahtzee sympathiser.

256
00:22:14,581 --> 00:22:19,121
My uncle, he was a security guard
at the O2 arena.

257
00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:29,938
Dara: Thank you very much.
Points in that round go to Milton Jones!

258
00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:34,766
The topic is Nationality.

259
00:22:38,281 --> 00:22:42,169
If you're addicted to meths,
you're either an alcoholic

260
00:22:42,169 --> 00:22:47,529
or a South African with
a real love of numbers.

261
00:22:50,747 --> 00:22:53,984
I've got a friend who got caught
shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.

262
00:22:53,984 --> 00:22:58,595
Fortunately he'd stolen a prosthetic hand.

263
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:03,821
Unfortunately it was a second offense.

264
00:23:04,391 --> 00:23:07,721
So I'm in France, and I saw this little
old lady knitting in the town square.

265
00:23:07,721 --> 00:23:11,836
I said, "Voulez vous crochet avec moi?"

266
00:23:14,210 --> 00:23:16,196
I used to teach English in Germany.

267
00:23:16,196 --> 00:23:17,864
First day I taught them everything
beginning with A,

268
00:23:17,864 --> 00:23:19,220
second day, everything beginning with B.

269
00:23:19,220 --> 00:23:22,301
D-day was a bit tricky.

270
00:23:27,321 --> 00:23:31,122
So I'm in a disco in Tehran --

271
00:23:33,013 --> 00:23:36,043
all these women dancing 'round
a handbag, singing,

272
00:23:36,043 --> 00:23:39,438
"Iranian men, hallelujah!"

273
00:23:45,750 --> 00:23:49,014
Recently I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet.

274
00:23:49,014 --> 00:23:52,671
He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

275
00:23:52,671 --> 00:23:56,775
Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-llama.

276
00:23:58,994 --> 00:24:01,923
The next subject is Communication.
Who wants to come in on that?

277
00:24:01,923 --> 00:24:03,418
Chris.

278
00:24:04,269 --> 00:24:08,083
Hello. Communication these days, it's ...

279
00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:11,439
the more technologically advanced
a form of communication,

280
00:24:11,439 --> 00:24:14,999
the more pointless and useless
the subject matter is.

281
00:24:14,999 --> 00:24:18,929
For example, things like Twitter.
It's not real communication.

282
00:24:18,929 --> 00:24:22,538
You would never tweet someone to
inform them of a death in the family.

283
00:24:22,538 --> 00:24:25,565
It'd be slightly, y'know what I mean,
a bit harsh.

284
00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:28,788
Dad's dead. #fail

285
00:24:31,696 --> 00:24:34,454
At the same time, you wouldn't show up
at someone's house unannounced,

286
00:24:34,454 --> 00:24:38,381
in person, to tell them you'd just
had a nice sandwich.

287
00:24:38,817 --> 00:24:40,694
All right, mate? It's 11 at night.
What's up?

288
00:24:40,694 --> 00:24:43,321
Just had a blinded toastie.

289
00:24:43,321 --> 00:24:45,869
See ya at work.
- What!?

290
00:24:46,499 --> 00:24:48,149
I mean, the most pointless form of
communication these days

291
00:24:48,149 --> 00:24:50,839
has to be YouTube comments.
Wow.

292
00:24:50,839 --> 00:24:53,231
Just take a couple of hours out
of your life, sit down,

293
00:24:53,231 --> 00:24:55,085
and have a look through some
YouTube comments.

294
00:24:55,085 --> 00:24:58,724
It's like scrolling through
the mind of a psychopath.

295
00:24:58,724 --> 00:25:01,724
It's incredible, and I've got a game you
can have, to send them loopy, right?

296
00:25:01,724 --> 00:25:04,519
Go onto YouTube. Find a video.
Has to be unremarkable.

297
00:25:04,519 --> 00:25:06,961
Can't be anything amazing,
it can't be a near-death experience.

298
00:25:06,961 --> 00:25:11,441
It has to be banal, boring and mundane,
like a video of a cat yawning.

299
00:25:11,441 --> 00:25:14,840
You're laughing - there's loads of them on there.
People are insane, right?

300
00:25:14,841 --> 00:25:19,412
Video of a cat yawning, go on, underneath,
sign in, YouTube comment, one word:

301
00:25:19,532 --> 00:25:21,653
Fake.

302
00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:24,840
People. Lose. Their. Minds.

303
00:25:24,841 --> 00:25:26,587
How can it be fake?!?!

304
00:25:26,587 --> 00:25:29,494
Cats yawn! Cats yawn!

305
00:25:29,494 --> 00:25:32,941
She was tired!!

306
00:25:35,581 --> 00:25:37,773
Thank you very much.

307
00:25:37,773 --> 00:25:41,222
The subject is Family.

308
00:25:47,070 --> 00:25:50,523
All my family are black and white.

309
00:25:52,281 --> 00:25:53,986
I phoned my Dad the other day.

310
00:25:53,986 --> 00:25:56,561
He said, "You left the room
before I finished speaking.

311
00:25:56,561 --> 00:25:59,540
"I wanted you to go to Holland and
Barrett and get me some tablets.

312
00:25:59,540 --> 00:26:00,447
"Where are you now?"

313
00:26:00,447 --> 00:26:02,720
I said, "Holland."

314
00:26:07,533 --> 00:26:10,259
I always left the room before my Dad
finished speaking. I remember once he said,

315
00:26:10,259 --> 00:26:13,761
"Why don't you go outside and jump
up and down on the trampoline?"

316
00:26:13,761 --> 00:26:17,167
Except I didn't hear the "-oline."

317
00:26:20,867 --> 00:26:27,525
My grandfather, he eventually achieved his
life-long ambition to be a lion whisperer.

318
00:26:27,525 --> 00:26:30,357
Just before he died.

319
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,940
#fail

320
00:26:39,670 --> 00:26:44,194
My mother, she's got to the stage now where
all she does is go on about who's just died.

321
00:26:44,194 --> 00:26:47,286
"Do you remember Muriel?

322
00:26:47,286 --> 00:26:51,233
"She's just died.

323
00:26:56,188 --> 00:26:59,773
"Do you remember Arthur?

324
00:26:59,773 --> 00:27:02,891
"He's just died."

325
00:27:04,041 --> 00:27:05,267
I said, "Mum --

326
00:27:05,267 --> 00:27:09,865
"Get off the roof and give me the gun."

327
00:27:11,847 --> 00:27:14,971
Dara: The topic is School.

328
00:27:17,797 --> 00:27:23,065
That last bloke was a bit weird, wasn't he?

329
00:27:25,634 --> 00:27:29,045
Anyway, I went back to my old school the
other day. First time in 30 years.

330
00:27:29,045 --> 00:27:30,908
I took a note.

331
00:27:34,431 --> 00:27:38,341
Teacher said, "So, Jones,
what have you done with your life?"

332
00:27:38,341 --> 00:27:43,916
I said, "Oh, I'm just Britain's top
Ofsted inspector."

333
00:27:43,916 --> 00:27:47,924
They were a lot nicer to me after that.

334
00:27:47,924 --> 00:27:50,446
I was there for the funeral of
my old science teacher.

335
00:27:50,446 --> 00:27:53,439
They asked me to say a few words, so I did.

336
00:27:53,499 --> 00:27:55,651
Method:

337
00:27:58,641 --> 00:28:02,712
You put the coffin in the crematorium.

338
00:28:06,081 --> 00:28:08,549
Observations:

339
00:28:09,719 --> 00:28:14,713
It burned with an orangey bright flame.

340
00:28:20,321 --> 00:28:22,560
Conclusion:

341
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:25,881
No more homework.

342
00:28:30,074 --> 00:28:33,099
Dara: Transport is the topic.

343
00:28:38,117 --> 00:28:41,260
So I've got my own private jet.

344
00:28:41,260 --> 00:28:45,582
The rest of the jaccuzi belongs to my Mum.

345
00:28:52,042 --> 00:28:56,381
If you've got a sat nav, don't put the name
of the company you're visiting into it.

346
00:28:56,381 --> 00:28:58,881
I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day.

347
00:28:58,881 --> 00:29:02,293
I ended up in Hellman province.

348
00:29:07,222 --> 00:29:09,699
I mean, I've got a car,
but there's nothing I like better

349
00:29:09,699 --> 00:29:12,861
than making a bonfire
on the passenger seat,

350
00:29:12,861 --> 00:29:15,954
driving up and down,
opening and shutting the electric sunroof,

351
00:29:15,954 --> 00:29:19,351
and pretending to be a steam train.

352
00:29:21,041 --> 00:29:23,626
My uncle, he was a taxi driver,

353
00:29:23,626 --> 00:29:29,255
but then one day he left home
without any indication.

354
00:29:33,274 --> 00:29:36,647
So recently I was fell-walking
in the Lake District.

355
00:29:36,647 --> 00:29:38,007
Well, that's not quite true.

356
00:29:38,007 --> 00:29:42,571
Recently I fell,
walking in the Lake District.

357
00:29:42,868 --> 00:29:48,413
I was gonna tell someone
but the pillar box was full of Sugar Puffs.

358
00:29:51,191 --> 00:29:53,554
Topic is History.

359
00:29:57,950 --> 00:30:00,491
348 B.C.

360
00:30:01,354 --> 00:30:07,486
The breakfast cereal Frosties is invented
by Alexander the Grrreat!

361
00:30:10,911 --> 00:30:16,665
303 A.D. St. George slays the dragon
with his new invention, the sword.

362
00:30:16,665 --> 00:30:22,453
The other dragons offer him all the money
for 20% of the company.

363
00:30:25,060 --> 00:30:30,238
1896. H.G. Wells publishes the book
The Time Machine.

364
00:30:30,238 --> 00:30:35,534
1897. H.G. Wells writes the book
The Time Machine.

365
00:30:40,535 --> 00:30:47,361
2400 B.C. The Chinese merchant Xiang Xao,
the man who discovered gunpowder,

366
00:30:47,361 --> 00:30:49,962
is buried on the outskirts of Peking,

367
00:30:49,962 --> 00:30:54,061
Western Shanghai,
and parts of Nepal.

368
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:04,581
1571. You have no new messages.

369
00:31:09,151 --> 00:31:13,200
And finally, 3642 A.D.

370
00:31:14,039 --> 00:31:16,806
H.G. Wells is born.

371
00:31:20,821 --> 00:31:24,184
Dara: And the subject is USA.

372
00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:28,673
So I've just come back from America.

373
00:31:28,673 --> 00:31:30,810
Apparently.

374
00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,653
While I was there I saw one of those
very very very very large Americans.

375
00:31:35,653 --> 00:31:39,334
He said he fitted kitchens.
I said, "I bet you don't."

376
00:31:42,365 --> 00:31:44,933
Went up to this girl,
I said, "What's your name?"

377
00:31:44,933 --> 00:31:46,411
She said, "Chantelle."

378
00:31:46,411 --> 00:31:49,714
I said, "Well, if you're not
gonna tell me your name ..."

379
00:31:51,577 --> 00:31:54,964
I said, "What do you do for a living?"

380
00:31:54,964 --> 00:31:57,301
She said, "Don't go there,
don't go there, don't go there."

381
00:31:57,301 --> 00:32:00,283
I said, "I hope you're not a travel agent."

382
00:32:01,788 --> 00:32:07,560
When I was in America I bought tickets
for the Bears vs the Cowboys.

383
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,213
Bit of a disappointment.

384
00:32:15,210 --> 00:32:17,996
I wanted to see bears vs cowboys.

385
00:32:17,996 --> 00:32:21,950
Then I bought tickets for the
Giants vs the Jets.

386
00:32:21,950 --> 00:32:24,839
Another missed opportunity.

387
00:32:24,839 --> 00:32:27,161
[sound effects]

388
00:32:27,443 --> 00:32:30,111
Then I bought tickets for
the Packers vs the Dolphins.

389
00:32:30,111 --> 00:32:34,269
Get in the box! Get in the box!
[dolphin noises]

390
00:32:35,196 --> 00:32:37,472
Thank you very much.

391
00:32:38,797 --> 00:32:41,481
Dara: And the topic is School.

392
00:32:45,735 --> 00:32:48,141
Recently I went to one of those
awful school reunions,

393
00:32:48,141 --> 00:32:50,601
where everyone's boasting about
what they're up to now.

394
00:32:50,601 --> 00:32:52,748
I said I work for the United Nations.

395
00:32:52,748 --> 00:32:57,702
'Cause I have been UNemployed for a while.

396
00:33:00,744 --> 00:33:03,738
While I was there, a bloke came up to me
with a scar on his face.

397
00:33:03,738 --> 00:33:05,261
He said, "You don't remember me, do you?"

398
00:33:05,261 --> 00:33:08,656
I said, "Are you Action Man?"

399
00:33:08,745 --> 00:33:11,038
He said, "No, but I bet if you could go
back in time,

400
00:33:11,038 --> 00:33:13,383
"you'd pay more attention
in my history lessons."

401
00:33:13,383 --> 00:33:20,446
I said, "If I could go back in time,
I wouldn't need your history lessons."

402
00:33:20,446 --> 00:33:27,916
Then he stormed off to teach Year 9,
which I presume is a tiny part of history.

403
00:33:30,135 --> 00:33:32,841
My parents were so rich,
to get me through my history exams,

404
00:33:32,841 --> 00:33:35,902
I had my own private Tudor.

405
00:33:40,111 --> 00:33:43,133
I loved reading at school. There's nothing
like getting to the end of a good book

406
00:33:43,133 --> 00:33:47,260
and thinking to yourself,
"Ahh, there's Wally!"

407
00:33:48,279 --> 00:33:52,329
Those forms to fill in to get to university
are difficult, though, aren't they?

408
00:33:52,329 --> 00:33:57,341
I ended up spending three years at
the University of East Angola.

409
00:33:58,344 --> 00:34:01,122
My grandfather...

410
00:34:02,450 --> 00:34:04,805
He broke into a school the other day.

411
00:34:04,805 --> 00:34:09,295
Said, "If it wasn't for me,
you'd all be speaking German."

412
00:34:09,627 --> 00:34:13,297
"That's right," said the German teacher.

413
00:34:19,262 --> 00:34:23,246
[Grandfather's voice] It is not fair.
I never got to do the job I wanted to do.

414
00:34:23,246 --> 00:34:28,048
I wanted to be a farmer.

415
00:34:28,048 --> 00:34:32,436
If only there was some way I could do it
these days.

416
00:34:34,046 --> 00:34:39,372
If only there were some computer game
or something.

417
00:34:39,807 --> 00:34:41,902
That's all, thank you!

418
00:34:41,902 --> 00:34:43,242
Dara: Now the topic is Travel.

419
00:34:43,242 --> 00:34:45,519
Away you go.

420
00:34:47,389 --> 00:34:52,124
Strange things do happen.
Once, once, I saw a little green man

421
00:34:52,124 --> 00:34:56,004
and I walked towards him, and he just
disappeared, and then I got run over.

422
00:35:01,886 --> 00:35:04,613
Kuala Lumpur, that was
a bit of a disappointment.

423
00:35:04,613 --> 00:35:08,909
I always thought it was a bear
crossed with an Oompa Loompa.

424
00:35:08,909 --> 00:35:12,615
You know, clingy but quite hard-working.

425
00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:18,341
I was in France recently. I saw this
little old lady knitting in the town square.

426
00:35:18,341 --> 00:35:21,996
I said, "Voulez vous crochet avec moi?"

427
00:35:24,265 --> 00:35:27,460
She took it all the wrong way.

428
00:35:28,216 --> 00:35:32,209
What with the financial situation,
I'm not sure Ireland is gonna stay afloat.

429
00:35:32,209 --> 00:35:34,446
Cork, maybe.

430
00:35:36,437 --> 00:35:40,889
11 days, it takes, to walk to Torquay
holding the hand of a 7-year-old.

431
00:35:40,889 --> 00:35:43,528
Well, that's what I thought.

432
00:35:43,528 --> 00:35:48,964
It was his birthday treat. It turns out,
he actually wanted a walkie-talkie.

433
00:35:50,721 --> 00:35:53,757
I'm very English, really.
I even ordered a book on the internet:

434
00:35:53,757 --> 00:35:57,762
How to Have Absolutely Nothing
to do With Your Neighbours.

435
00:35:57,762 --> 00:36:02,078
Unfortunately I was out
when it was delivered.

436
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:11,216
The topic is Romance.

437
00:36:18,422 --> 00:36:20,341
I met my wife on the net.

438
00:36:20,341 --> 00:36:23,842
We were both rubbish trapeze artists.

439
00:36:27,009 --> 00:36:30,188
Terrible, isn't it, when someone
doesn't want to live with you any more.

440
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:33,219
Part of you's thinking, "I don't think
you're gonna survive in the real world."

441
00:36:33,219 --> 00:36:38,042
Another part of you's thinking, "Well at
least I'll be rid of your drunken arguing."

442
00:36:38,042 --> 00:36:43,962
Ladies and gentlemen, we need to let
the Scottish people go.

443
00:36:46,191 --> 00:36:48,927
Any Scottish people here?
[a few cheers from the audience]

444
00:36:48,927 --> 00:36:51,561
You can go.

445
00:36:57,654 --> 00:36:59,674
A girl came up to me the other day.

446
00:36:59,674 --> 00:37:02,332
♪ Footloose, footloose ♪

447
00:37:02,332 --> 00:37:04,890
Then her foot fell off.

448
00:37:09,031 --> 00:37:11,979
I tried to impress a girl once
by putting my foot down on the pedal.

449
00:37:11,979 --> 00:37:16,447
Turns out, she'd seen a bin
open like that before.

450
00:37:21,784 --> 00:37:24,182
A girl came up to me once, she said,

451
00:37:24,182 --> 00:37:27,983
"You know, I can tell someone's personality
by what kind of car they drive."

452
00:37:27,983 --> 00:37:31,689
I said, "I haven't got one!"

453
00:37:35,258 --> 00:37:38,496
So lads, so lads, do you ever get
given a job to do,

454
00:37:38,496 --> 00:37:41,934
and you deliberately do it
really really badly,

455
00:37:41,934 --> 00:37:44,561
so you never get given that job again?

456
00:37:44,561 --> 00:37:49,502
I mean, I hardly know CPR anyway...

457
00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:54,473
My wife's giving me the silent treatment
at the moment.

458
00:37:54,473 --> 00:37:56,361
Lying there, day after day.

459
00:37:56,361 --> 00:38:00,063
Beginning to smell a bit now.

460
00:38:01,201 --> 00:38:06,008
Because, again, speaking as a vegan...

461
00:38:06,008 --> 00:38:09,256
- Oh, god...
- Are you a vegan?

462
00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,520
Get on board, all right?

463
00:38:11,530 --> 00:38:14,387
You guys disgust me.

464
00:38:14,387 --> 00:38:17,303
You cheese-and meat-eating pricks.

465
00:38:17,303 --> 00:38:22,475
Anyway, please, every part of the show,
preface every topic we do with,

466
00:38:22,475 --> 00:38:25,041
"As a vegan..."

467
00:38:25,420 --> 00:38:28,900
Well, as a vegan...

468
00:38:31,266 --> 00:38:36,511
I wanted to supplement my son's education
so I'm helping him to learn to read.

469
00:38:36,511 --> 00:38:38,145
It's one of the things that I'm doing.

470
00:38:38,145 --> 00:38:42,544
Helping your child to read is one of the
most magical and rewarding things

471
00:38:42,544 --> 00:38:43,982
that you can do as a parent.

472
00:38:44,012 --> 00:38:46,236
On day one.

473
00:38:47,853 --> 00:38:50,572
After that, it's one of the most
frustrating, annoying,

474
00:38:50,572 --> 00:38:54,280
"I'd rather punch myself in the face
repeatedly than ever do this again"

475
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,802
activity that you can ever do,
and let me tell you why.

476
00:38:56,802 --> 00:39:00,964
They do not care about making sense!

477
00:39:01,793 --> 00:39:05,417
They'll just read all the easy words,
and when they get to one they don't know,

478
00:39:05,417 --> 00:39:08,807
instead of trying, they'll just look at
the picture,

479
00:39:08,807 --> 00:39:11,211
and just throw something random
into the sentence

480
00:39:11,211 --> 00:39:15,776
without any regard for what effect
that has on what they're saying.

481
00:39:15,776 --> 00:39:18,751
I'm supposed to not get angry.

482
00:39:18,751 --> 00:39:21,405
I'm supposed to not get angry
when my son goes,

483
00:39:21,405 --> 00:39:26,745
"Jack. Went. Strawberry?"

484
00:39:27,432 --> 00:39:30,734
How could that be what it said?
How could it be, "Jack went strawberry"?

485
00:39:30,734 --> 00:39:32,423
What are you talking about?

486
00:39:32,423 --> 00:39:34,427
What would that even look like?

487
00:39:34,427 --> 00:39:36,745
How could that be what it said?
Tell me.

488
00:39:36,745 --> 00:39:40,946
I'll tell you what, you think that's what
it said, you go strawberry now. Go on.

489
00:39:40,946 --> 00:39:42,814
Go strawberry.
That's what you think it said.

490
00:39:42,934 --> 00:39:46,095
Stop crying and go strawberry.

491
00:39:46,095 --> 00:39:47,893
Go strawberry!

492
00:39:47,893 --> 00:39:51,258
Why aren't you doing it?
Go kiwi, then, I don't give a shit.

493
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:52,680
You're not doing it, are you?
I'll tell you why not.

494
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,601
'Cause it doesn't make any bloody sense.

495
00:39:56,145 --> 00:39:58,915
My wife thinks I'm overreacting.

496
00:39:59,565 --> 00:40:01,954
Thank you very much, Romesh.

497
00:40:03,121 --> 00:40:06,058
OK, that leaves us with Milton.

498
00:40:06,058 --> 00:40:09,221
So let's see what you've been left with,
Milton. Let's spin the wheel.

499
00:40:09,919 --> 00:40:13,225
And the topic is Family.

500
00:40:24,298 --> 00:40:26,802
My uncle, he was a cruel man.

501
00:40:26,802 --> 00:40:29,808
He knew we lived in a bungalow,
yet every year for Christmas,

502
00:40:29,808 --> 00:40:32,951
we always got a Slinky.

503
00:40:35,669 --> 00:40:39,272
It's a miracle my sister's getting married.
I went to the printer's to get the invites,

504
00:40:39,272 --> 00:40:41,881
and he said, "What typeface?"
and I went ...

505
00:40:45,841 --> 00:40:48,512
She seems to like him.

506
00:40:49,827 --> 00:40:53,475
My grandfather, during the war,
he broke the Enigma code...

507
00:40:53,475 --> 00:40:55,034
machine.

508
00:40:57,935 --> 00:40:59,801
Then he went AWOL.

509
00:40:59,801 --> 00:41:04,140
Well, that's not quite true.
Then he became an owl.

510
00:41:05,186 --> 00:41:09,319
My grandmother, she's been talking
about downsizing, and now

511
00:41:09,319 --> 00:41:12,335
she's in a little urn.

512
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:21,302
My other grandmother,
she was a children's writer.

513
00:41:21,302 --> 00:41:24,402
You may have seen her book,
Jack Goes Strawberry.

514
00:41:31,601 --> 00:41:36,821
I haven't always been popular with
my family, as a vegan.

515
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:43,916
That doesn't normally work.

516
00:41:46,323 --> 00:41:48,101
Recently my family all clubbed together

517
00:41:48,101 --> 00:41:52,421
and got me a voucher
for a clinic in Switzerland.

518
00:41:54,131 --> 00:41:56,121
The topic is Home.

519
00:42:00,244 --> 00:42:02,864
My mum's a bit like the Beijing government.

520
00:42:03,324 --> 00:42:07,769
When you go round,
you only see the nice china.

521
00:42:16,630 --> 00:42:24,687
I was smacked as a child, but you should
see the state of the home I put my parents in.

522
00:42:24,687 --> 00:42:28,078
I grew up in a home that was always
full of exciting and exotic items,

523
00:42:28,078 --> 00:42:29,858
from all over the world.

524
00:42:29,858 --> 00:42:33,698
'Cause my parents were both
baggage handlers.

525
00:42:35,290 --> 00:42:37,439
These days I live in a windmill.

526
00:42:37,439 --> 00:42:42,708
It's not a big windmill. To be honest,
golf balls keep coming through the front door.

527
00:42:46,231 --> 00:42:48,294
The other day I lost my doormat.

528
00:42:48,294 --> 00:42:53,704
Fortunately, I keep a spare under a giant
bunch of keys in the front garden.

529
00:42:56,534 --> 00:42:59,455
As a child, I had a medical condition
that meant I had to eat

530
00:42:59,455 --> 00:43:02,964
soil three times a day in order to survive.

531
00:43:02,964 --> 00:43:07,033
Lucky my older brother told me about it,
really.

532
00:43:10,486 --> 00:43:12,527
He later died of massive head injuries.

533
00:43:12,527 --> 00:43:17,587
He was hit over the head with a toblerone.

534
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:20,208
Thank you very much, Milton Jones!

535
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:24,136
Dara: And the topic is Entertainment.

536
00:43:26,232 --> 00:43:28,905
I'm reading a book at the moment.
It's called The Anticlimax.

537
00:43:28,905 --> 00:43:30,930
The first part is good.

538
00:43:35,533 --> 00:43:39,341
I see Rihanna had to cancel a concert
because she got salmonella.

539
00:43:39,341 --> 00:43:41,817
Ella. Ella.

540
00:43:43,793 --> 00:43:47,686
I also see that down by the Thames
they're making another wheel,

541
00:43:47,686 --> 00:43:49,672
this time dedicated to Mary Poppins,

542
00:43:49,672 --> 00:43:54,452
called the London Um-diddle-iddle-
iddle-um-diddle-eye.

543
00:43:58,721 --> 00:44:02,356
My grandmother, she got her scarf caught
in one of those ferris wheels,

544
00:44:02,356 --> 00:44:07,252
but she did regain consciousness.
After all, what goes around...

545
00:44:11,527 --> 00:44:15,641
I was in a Nativity play once.
I was the man who scares the children

546
00:44:15,641 --> 00:44:21,241
'cause he comes into the hall on the
wrong day to play badminton.

547
00:44:23,977 --> 00:44:27,746
Lionel Richie says hello, by the way.

548
00:44:31,614 --> 00:44:34,442
The other day I saw sheep pole-dancing.

549
00:44:34,442 --> 00:44:36,983
In a kebab shop.

550
00:44:39,597 --> 00:44:42,720
The subject is Work.

551
00:44:46,607 --> 00:44:50,260
I didn't think I'd get a loan from the bank
for my knitting business,

552
00:44:50,260 --> 00:44:55,077
but when I turned up actually wearing
one of the balaclavas...

553
00:44:59,393 --> 00:45:03,610
I used to be a weatherman. In fact,
does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

554
00:45:03,610 --> 00:45:05,728
No pressure.

555
00:45:08,079 --> 00:45:10,696
If there'd been a mix-up, my uncle could
have ended up as the next

556
00:45:10,696 --> 00:45:13,572
president of the United States.
He's an undertaker in the army,

557
00:45:13,572 --> 00:45:17,006
or barrack embalmer.

558
00:45:23,381 --> 00:45:25,870
Soldiers, of course, very emotionally repressed.

559
00:45:25,870 --> 00:45:28,601
Sometimes you see one of them go into the
middle of a parade ground and shout,

560
00:45:28,601 --> 00:45:30,597
"Attention!"

561
00:45:32,457 --> 00:45:35,821
What he needs is a hug.

562
00:45:35,821 --> 00:45:38,566
Well, that's what I thought.

563
00:45:39,552 --> 00:45:43,303
My Dad, he was a soldier, so of course as
a family we were always moving around a lot

564
00:45:43,303 --> 00:45:47,410
'cause he used to use us
for target practice.

565
00:45:48,212 --> 00:45:51,142
Six hours I had to wait in the other day
for the electrician,

566
00:45:51,142 --> 00:45:56,593
'til he opened the cupboard under the stairs
and I was able to leap out at him.

567
00:45:59,415 --> 00:46:02,712
I remember, when I was a policeman,
I was asked to seal off an area,

568
00:46:02,712 --> 00:46:05,881
and I went, [barks like a seal].

569
00:46:07,321 --> 00:46:09,338
That's all for me, thank you.

570
00:46:10,311 --> 00:46:14,076
And the topic is Medicine.

571
00:46:15,935 --> 00:46:20,040
I have to go to the chemist soon
to collect my prescription.

572
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:22,841
Not from PC World, like last time.

573
00:46:22,841 --> 00:46:26,760
Those tablets were very difficult to swallow.

574
00:46:30,397 --> 00:46:33,741
Recently I went to the chiropractor's, or
as they call them in the capital of Egypt,

575
00:46:33,741 --> 00:46:36,195
the practor's.

576
00:46:40,121 --> 00:46:43,809
I put my back out trying to shoot horses,
but it turns out the World Health Organization

577
00:46:43,809 --> 00:46:47,647
aren't trying to eradicate polo.

578
00:46:49,683 --> 00:46:52,481
My Dad was a doctor, my Mum was a nurse.
They had six children.

579
00:46:52,481 --> 00:46:55,935
We all left home early.
Well, they needed the beds.

580
00:46:57,137 --> 00:47:02,081
I remember the birthday I asked for
that game, Operation.

581
00:47:02,381 --> 00:47:05,806
Three years I waited.

582
00:47:10,593 --> 00:47:12,468
I was talking to a nurse the other day.

583
00:47:12,468 --> 00:47:18,241
She said the main problem facing the NHS
is Holby City.

584
00:47:18,241 --> 00:47:22,989
Actually, she might have said "obesity."

585
00:47:24,329 --> 00:47:27,392
Sometimes when I'm sitting next to Rob
I feel like a bus driver,

586
00:47:27,392 --> 00:47:31,719
with a guy just standing up front
talking to him.

587
00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:34,212
Dara: Transport.

588
00:47:35,985 --> 00:47:41,217
So I was on the bus the other day. Driver
stopped, got off, wouldn't come back.

589
00:47:41,217 --> 00:47:44,977
Apparently some bloke with
big teeth kept talking to him.

590
00:47:53,316 --> 00:47:57,029
Before that, though, I overheard
a mermaid on the bus.

591
00:47:57,029 --> 00:48:03,757
She said, "I like sitting on the beach,
but my other half likes swimming."

592
00:48:06,518 --> 00:48:12,051
Anyway, reading between the lines
is dangerous if you're waiting for a train.

593
00:48:14,221 --> 00:48:18,581
Anyway, I did a show in Liverpool recently
and afterwards a bloke came up to me

594
00:48:18,581 --> 00:48:22,365
and said, "Hey, listen. I wanna talk."

595
00:48:22,365 --> 00:48:25,831
I said, "Well, just keep practicing."

596
00:48:31,235 --> 00:48:36,881
Next month I'm in Northern Ireland,
County Down, 4-3-2-

597
00:48:39,177 --> 00:48:42,371
I don't need a relationship. I'm a rock.
I'm an island.

598
00:48:42,371 --> 00:48:46,161
Sometimes I go down to airport arrivals
and I stand with a piece of cardboard

599
00:48:46,161 --> 00:48:48,630
saying, "No one."

600
00:48:52,553 --> 00:48:57,294
Well, I did that 'til I had to give a lift
to a Mr. Noone.