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- {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.
- But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only
- be broken by love's first kiss.
- She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing
- dragon.
- Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,
- but non prevailed.
- She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest
- tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.
- {Laughing}
- Like that's ever gonna happen.
- {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}
- What a load of -
- Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
- I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
- She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
- In the shape of an "L" on her forehead
- The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'
- Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'
- Didn't make sense not to live for fun
- Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
- So much to do so much to see
- So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets
- You'll never know if you don't go
- You'll never shine if you don't glow
- Hey, now You're an all-star
- Get your game on, go play
- Hey, now You're a rock star
- Get the show on, get paid
- And all that glitters is gold
- Only shootin' stars break the mold
- It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
- You're bundled up now but wait till you get older
- But the meteor men beg to differ
- Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
- The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin
- The water's getting warm so you might as well swim
- My world's on fire
- How 'bout yours
- That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored
- Hey, now, you're an all-star
- {Shouting}
- Get your game on, go play
- Hey, now You're a rock star
- Get the show on, get paid
- And all that glitters is gold
- Only shootin' stars break the mold
- {Belches}
- Go!
- Go!
- {Record Scratching}
- Go. Go.Go.
- Hey, now, you're an all-star
- Get your game on, go play
- Hey, now You're a rock star
- Get the show on, get paid
- And all that glitters is gold
- Only shootin' stars break the mold
- -Think it's in there?
- -All right. Let's get it!
- -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
- -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
- {Laughs}
- -Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.
- Now, ogres - - They're much worse.
- They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
- -No!
- -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
- Actually, it's quite good on toast.
- -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
- {Gasping}
- -Right.
- {Roaring}
- {Shouting}
- {Roaring}
- {Whispers} This is the part where you run away.
- {Gasping}
- {Laughs}
- {Laughing} And stay out!
- "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
- {Sighs}
- {Man's voice} All right. This one's full.
- -Take it away!
- {Gasps}
- -Move it along. Come on! Get up!
- -Next!
- -Give me that! Your fiying days are over.
- That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
- -Get up! Come on!
- -Twenty pieces.
- {Thudding}
- -Sit down there!
- -Keep quiet!
- {Crying}
- -This cage is too small.
- -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.
- I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
- -Oh, shut up.
- -Oh!
- -Next!
- -What have you got?
- -This little wooden puppet.
- -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
- -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
- -Father, please! Don't let them do this!
- -Help me!
- -Next! What have you got?
- -Well, I've got a talking donkey.
- {Grunts}
- -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
- -Oh, go ahead, little fella.
- -Well?
- -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.
- He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -
- -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
- -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.
- I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
- -Get her out of my sight.
- -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
- {Gasps}
- -Hey! I can fly!
- -He can fly!
- -He can fly!
- -He can talk!
- -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.
- You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
- but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!
- Oh-oh.
- {Grunts}
- -Seize him!
- -After him! He's getting away!
- {Grunts, Gasps}
- {Man}
- -Get him! This way! Turn!
- -You there. Orge!
- -Aye?
- -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under
- arrest
- and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.
- -Oh, really? You and what army?
- {Gasps, Whimpering}
- {Chuckles}
- -Can I say something to you?
- -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.
- Incredible!
- Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!
- -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great
- back here? Those guards!
- They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They
- was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made
- me feel good to see that.
- -Oh, that's great. Really.
- -Man, it's good to be free.
- -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?
- Hmm?
- -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by
- myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.
- You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit
- out of anybody that crosses us.
- {Roaring}
- -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that
- don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you
- definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!
- You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -
- {Mumbling}
- Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my
- butt that day.
- -Why are you following me?
- -I'll tell you why.
- 'Cause I'm all alone
- There's no one here beside me
- My promlems have all gone
- There's no one to deride me
- But you gotta heve friends - -
- -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
- -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
- -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
- -Uh - - Really tall?
- -No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't
- that bother you?
- -Nope.
- -Really?
- -Really, really.
- -Oh.
- -Man, I like you. What's you name?
- -Uh, Shrek.
- -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?
- You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.
- I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
- Who'd want to live in place like that?
- -That would be my home.
- -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a
- decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I
- like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
- -I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
- -I like my privacy.
- -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I
- hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them
- a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
- -Can I stay with you?
- -Uh, what?
- -Can I stay with you, please?
- -Of course!
- -Really?
- -No.
- -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to
- be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta
- stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
- -Okay! Okay! But one night only.
- -Ah! Thank you!
- -What are you - - No! No!
- -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,
- and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
- -Oh!
- -Where do, uh, I sleep?
- -Outside!
- -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you
- don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.
- {Sniffles}
- -Here I go.
- -Good night.
- {Sighs}
- -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.
- I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,
- outside.
- I'm all alone
- There's no one here beside me
- {Bubbling}
- {Sighs}
- {Creaking}
- {Sighs}
- -I thought I told you to stay outside.
- -I'm outside.
- {Clattering}
- -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we
- have?
- -It's not home, but it'll do just fune.
- -What a lovely bed.
- -Got ya.
- {Sniffs} I found some cheese.
- -Ow! {Grunts}
- -Blah! Awful stuff.
- -Is that you, Gorder?
- -How did you know?
- -Enough! What are you doing in my house?
- {Grunts}
- -Hey!
- {Snickers}
- -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
- -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
- -Huh?
- {Gusps}
- {Male voice} What?
- -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I
- have to do get a little privacy?
- -Aah!
- -Oh, no. No! No!
- {Cackling}
- -What?
- -Quit it.
- -Don't push.
- {Squeaking}
- {Lows}
- - What are you doing in my swamp?
- {Echoing}
- Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
- {Gasping}
- -Oh, dear!
- -Whoa!
- -All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!
- Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
- -Quickly. Come on!
- -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.
- -Oh!
- {Sighs}
- -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
- -Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
- -What?
- -We were forced to come here.
- -By who?
- -Lord Farquaad.
- -He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.
- {Sighs}
- -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
- {Murmuring}
- -Oh, I do. I know where he is.
- -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
- -Me! Me!
- -Anyone?
- -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
- {Sighs}
- -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.
- Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy
- Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came
- from!
- {Cheering}
- {Twittering}
- -Oh! You! You're comin' with me.
- - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two
- stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
- -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.
- -Hey. Oh, oh!
- -I can't wait to get on the road again.
- -What did I say about singing?
- -Can I whistle?
- -No.
- -Can I hum it?
- -All right, hum it.
- {Humming}
- {Grunts}
- {Whimpering}
- -That's enough. He's ready to talk.
- {Coughing}
- {Laughing}
- {Clears throat}
- -Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the
- gingerbread man!
- -You are a monster.
- -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy
- tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the
- others?
- -Eat me!{Grunts}
- -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached
- its end! Tell me or I'll - -
- -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
- -All right then. Who's hiding them?
- -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
- -The muffin man?
- -The muffin man.
- -Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
- -Well, she's married to the muffin man.
- -The muffin man?
- -The muffin man!
- -She's married to the muffin man.
- {Door opens}
- -My lord! We found it.
- -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
- {Man grunting}
- {Gasping}
- -Oh!
- -Magic mirror - -
- -Don't tell him anything!
- -No!
- {Ginerbread man whispers}
- -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect
- kingdom of them all?
- -Well, technically you're not a king.
- -Uh, Thelonius.
- -You were saying?
- -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All
- you have to do is marry a princess.
- -Go on.
- {Chuckles}
- -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to
- meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette
- number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.
- She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking
- and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
- -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of
- fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just
- kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come
- on. Give it up for Snow White!
- -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a
- fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling
- lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes
- pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,
- Princess Fiona!
- -So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
- bachelorette number three?
- -Two! Two!
- -Three! Three!
- -Two! Two!
- -Three!
- -Three? One?
- {Shudders} Three?
- --Three! Pick number three, my lord!
- -Okay, okay, uh, number three!
- -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
- If you like pina coladas
- And getting caught in the rain
- -Princess Fiona.
- If you're not into yoga
- -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -
- -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
- -I'll do it.
- -Yes, but after sunset - -
- -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will
- finally have the perfect king!
- Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
- -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd
- find it.
- -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
- -Uh-huh. That's the place.
- -Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
- {Laughs}
- {Groans}
- -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
- -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
- -Hey, you!
- {Screams}
- -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
- {Whimpering}
- {Sighs}
- {Whimpering, Groans}
- {Turnstile clatters}
- {Chuckles}
- {Sighs}
- -It's quiet. Too quiet.
- {Creaking}
- -Where is everybody?
- -Hey, look at this!
- {Clattering, whirring, clicking}
- Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
- Here we have some rules
- Let us lay them down
- Don't make waves, stay in line
- And we'll get along fine
- DuLoc is perfect place
- Please keep off of the grass
- Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
- DuLoc is, DuLoc is
- DuLoc is perfect ...... place
- {Camera shutter clicks
- {Whirring}
- -Wow! Let's do that again!
- -No. No. No, no, no! No.
- {Trumpet fanfare}
- {Crowd cheering}
- -Brave knights.
- -You are the best and brightest in all the land.
- -Today one of you shall prove himself - -
- -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
- -Sorry about that.
- {Cheering}
- -That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go
- forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the
- dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
- runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae
- die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
- {Cheering}
- -Let the tournament begin!
- {Gasps}
- -Oh!
- -What is that?
- {Gasping}
- -It's hideous!
- -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.
- -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named
- champion! Have it him!
- -Get him!
- -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
- -Go ahead! Get him!
- -Can't we just settle this over a pint?
- -Kill the beast!
- -No? All right then. Come on!
- I don't give a damn about my reputation
- You're living in the past
- It's a new generation
- -Damn!
- {Whinnying}
- A girl can do what she wants to do
- And that's what I'm gonna do
- And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
- Me, me, me
- -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
- And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
- Never said I wanted to improve my station
- -Ah!
- {Laughs}
- And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun
- -Yeah!
- And I don't have to please no one
- -The chair! Give him the chair!
- And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
- Me, me, me
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me
- {Bell dings}
- {Cheering}
- {Laughs}
- -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till
- Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!
- {Shrek laughs}
- {Crowd gasping, murmuring}
- -Shall I give the order, sir?
- -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!
- -What?
- -Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great
- and noble quest.
- -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
- -Your swamp?
- -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!
- {Crowd murmuring}
- -Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for
- me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
- -Exactly the way it was?
- -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
- -And the squatters?
- -As good as gone.
- -What kind of quest?
- -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a
- princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only
- don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.
- -Is that about right?
- -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
- -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on
- him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make
- your bread, the whole orge trip.
- -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and
- put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and
- drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
- -Uh, no, not really, no.
- -For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.
- -Example?
- -Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.
- -{Sniffs} They stink?
- -Yes - - No!
- -They make you cry?
- -No!
- -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little
- white hairs.
- -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have
- layers. You get it? We both have layers.
- {Sighs}
- -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes
- onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
- -I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.
- -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a
- person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like
- no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
- -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like
- onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
- -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
- -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or
- something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start
- slobbering.
- I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
- Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
- I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
- Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
- And everything that you receive up yonder
- Is what you give to me the day I wander
- I'm on my way
- I'm on my way
- I'm on my way
- -Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
- -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was
- open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's
- brimstone We must be getting close.
- -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I
- know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone
- neither.
- {Rumbling}
- -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.
- {Laughing}
- -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?
- -Oh, aye.
- -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have
- layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
- -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
- -You know what I mean.
- -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
- -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over
- a boiling like of lava!
- -Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional
- support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step
- at a time.
- -Really?
- -Really, really.
- -Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
- -Just keep moving. And don't look down.
- -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
- moving. Don't look down.
- {Gasps}
- -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,
- please!
- -But you're already halfway.
- -But I know that half is safe!
- -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
- -Shrek, no! Wait!
- -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?
- -Don't do that!
- -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?
- -Oh, this?
- -Yes, that!
- -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
- {Screams}
- -No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
- -You said do it! I'm doin' it.
- -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!
- -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
- -Cool.
- -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
- -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
- {Chuckles}
- -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
- {Water dripping, wind howling}
- -You afraid?
- -No.
- -But - -
- - Shh.
- -Oh, good. Me neither.
- {Gasps}
- -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
- response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I
- might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and
- breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little
- scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
- {Gasps}
- -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if
- you can find any stairs.
- -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.
- -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest
- tower.
- -What makes you think she'll be there?
- -I read it in a book once.
- -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those
- stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
- they're goin'.
- {Creacing}
- -I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with
- me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a
- step right here. I'd step all over it.
- -Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -
- -Dragon!
- {Screams}
- {Gasps}
- {Roars}
- -Donkey, look out!
- {Screams}
- {Whimpering}
- -Got ya!
- {Roars}
- {Gasps}
- {Shouts}
- -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- {Screaming}
- {Gasps}
- -Oh! Aah! Aah!
- {Gasping}
- {Crowls}
- -No. Oh, no, No!
- {Screams}
- -Oh, what large teeth you have.
- {Crowls}
- -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time
- from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile
- you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know
- what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of
- course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
- What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.
- Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -
- (Coughs)
- -I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna
- blow smoke rings. Shrek!
- {Gasps}
- {Whimpering}
- -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
- {Groans, Sighs}
- {Vocalizing}
- -Oh! Oh!
- -Wake up!
- -What?
- -Are you Princess Fiona?
- -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
- -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
- -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be
- a wonderful, romantic moment?
- -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
- -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out
- yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
- -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
- -Mm-hmm.
- {Screams, grunts}
- -But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for
- me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
- -I don't think so.
- -Can I at least know the name of my champion?
- -Um, Shrek.
- -Sir Shrek.
- {Cleans throat}
- -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
- -Thanks!
- {Roaring}
- -You didn't slay the dragon?
- -It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
- {Screams}
- -But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,
- banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
- -Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
- -That's not the point. Oh!
- -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.
- -Well, I have to save my ass.
- -What kind of knight are you?
- -One of a kind.
- -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to
- know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.
- {Laughs}
- -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not
- emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really
- is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted
- physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back
- up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to
- know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,
- but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - -
- Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna
- tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with
- that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
- {Growls}
- {Roaring}
- {Gasps}
- -Hi, Princess!
- -It talks!
- -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
- {Screams}
- {Screaming}
- -Oh!
- {Thuds}
- {Groans}
- {Roars}
- {Roaring}
- -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.
- {Fchoing}
- -Run!
- {Gasping}
- {Screaming}
- {Roaring}
- {Screams}
- {Roars}
- {Panting, sighs}
- {Whimpers}
- {Roars}
- -You did it!
- -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.
- You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and
- thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.
- {Clears throat}
- -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
- -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a
- steed.
- -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
- -Uh, no.
- -Why not?
- -I have helmet hair.
- -Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
- -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
- -But how will you kiss me?
- -What? That wasn't in the job description.
- -Maybe it's a perk.
- -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in
- a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then
- they share true love's first kiss.
- -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you
- true love?
- -Well, yes.
- {Laughing}
- -You think Shrek is your true love!
- -What is so funny?
- -Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?
- -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your
- helmet.
- -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
- -Just take off the helmet.
- -I'm not going to.
- -Take ot off.
- -No!
- -Now!
- -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
- -You- - You're a- - an orge.
- -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
- -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed
- to be an orge.
- {Sighs}
- -Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the
- one who wants to marry you.
- -Then why didn't he come rescue me?
- -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
- -But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -
- his pet.
- -So much for noble steed.
- -You're not making my job any easier.
- -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad
- that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right
- here.
- -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.
- -You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
- -Ya comin', Donkey?
- -I'm right behind ya.
- -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not
- dignified! Put me down!
- -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,
- right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down
- real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a
- crisp and eaten?
- -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what
- happens when you find your - - Hey!
- {Sighs}
- -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.
- -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!
- -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
- -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in
- short supply.
- {Laughs}
- -I don't know. There are those who think little of him.
- -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never
- measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
- -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the
- "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
- -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
- -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
- -But there's robbers in the woods.
- -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.
- -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this
- forest.
- -I need to find somewhere to camp now!
- {Birds wings fluttering}
- {Grunting}
- -Hey! Over here.
- -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a
- princess.
- -No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
- -Homey touches? Like what?
- {Crashing}
- -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
- -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
- -I said good night!
- -Shrek, What are you doing?
- {Laughs}
- -I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
- {Fire cracking}
- -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over
- three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.
- -Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
- -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,
- there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
- -I know you're making this up.
- -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away
- from his stench.
- -That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
- -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?
- Forget it.
- {Sighs}
- -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
- -Our swamp?
- -You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
- -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my
- swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my
- land.
- -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what
- I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody
- out.
- -No, do ya think?
- -Are you hidin' something?
- -Never mind, Donkey.
- -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
- -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.
- -Why don't you want to talk about it?
- -Why do you want to talk about it?
- -Why are you blocking?
- -I'm not blocking.
- -Oh, yes, you are.
- -Donkey, I'm warning you.
- -Who you trying to keep out?
- -Everyone! Okay?
- -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
- -Oh! For the love of Pete!
- -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?
- -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that
- seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.
- "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they
- even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
- -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,
- stupid, ugly orge.
- -Yeah, I know.
- -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
- -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
- -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one
- there?
- -That's the moon.
- -Oh, okay.
- {Orchestra}
- {Dulcimer}
- -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the
- princess.
- -Hmph.
- -Ah. Perfect.
- {Inhales}
- {Snoring}
- {Vocalizing}
- {Whistling}
- {Sizzling}
- {Sniffs, yawns}
- -Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.
- --Come on, baby. I said I like it.
- -Donkey, wake up.
- -Huh? What?
- -Wake up.
- -What?
- -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
- -Good morning, Princess!
- -What's all this about?
- -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to
- make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
- -Uh, thanks.
- {Sniffs}
- -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
- {Belches}
- -Shrek!
- -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}
- -Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
- {Belches}
- -Thanks.
- -She's as nasty as you are.
- -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
- -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.
- {Vocalizing}
- -La liberte! Hey!
- -Princess!
- {Laughs}
- -What are you doing?
- -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from
- this green - -
- {Kissing sounds}
- -beast.
- -Hey!
- -That's my princess! Go find you own!
- -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
- -Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
- -Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry
- Men.
- {Laughs}
- {Accordion}
- Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
- I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
- He takes a wee percentage,
- But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels
- Man, I'm good
- What a guy, Monsieur Hood
- Break it down
- I like an honest fight
- and a saucy little maid
- What he's basically saying
- is he likes to get - -
- Paid
- So
- When an orge in the bush
- grabs a lady by the tush
- That's bad
- That's bad
- When a beauty's with a beast
- it makes me awfully mad
- He's mad
- He's really, really mad
- I'll take my blade and
- ram it through your heart
- Keep your eyes on me, boys
- 'cause I'm about to start
- {Grunts, Groans}
- {Karate Yell}
- {Merry Men Gasping}
- {Panting}
- -Man, that was annoying!
- -Oh, you little- -
- {Karate Yell}
- {Accordion}
- {Shouting, groaning}
- {Chuckles}
- -Uh, shall we?
- -Hold the phone.
- {Grunts}
- Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
- -What?
- -That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
- -Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these
- things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!
- -What? Oh, would you look at that?
- -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
- -Why? What's wrong?
- -Shrek's hurt.
- -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.
- -Donkey, I'm okay.
- -You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep
- you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the
- Heimlich?
- -Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and
- find me a blue flower with red thorns.
- -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.
- Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
- -{Both} Donkey!
- -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
- -What are the flowers for?
- -For getting rid of Donkey.
- -Ah.
- -Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
- -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
- -I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
- -No, it's tender.
- -Now, hold on.
- -What you're doing is the opposite of help.
- -Don't move.
- -Look, time out.
- -Would you - -
- {Grunts}
- -Okay. What do you propose we do?
- -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red
- thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue
- flower, red thorns.
- -Ow!
- -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!
- -Ow! Not good.
- -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
- {Grunts}
- -It's just about - -
- -Ow! Ohh!
- -Ahem.
- -Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -
- -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
- -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was
- just- - Ugh!
- -Ow!
- -Hey, what's that?
- {Nervous chickle}
- -That's- - Is that blood?
- {Sighs}
- {Bird chirping}
- {Grunts}
- My beloved monster and me
- We go everywhere together
- Wearin' a raincoat
- that has four sleeves
- Gets us through all kinds of weather
- -Aah!
- She will always be the only thing
- That comes between me and the awful sting
- That comes from living in a world
- that's so damn mean
- {Croaks}
- Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
- -Hey!
- La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la
- {Both laughing}
- La-la, la-la, la-la
- -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
- -That's DuLoc?
- -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for
- something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!
- -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.
- -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.
- {Blubbering}
- -What?
- -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.
- -What are you talking about? I'm fine.
- -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on
- your back. Dead.
- -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
- -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
- -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and
- when I turn my head like this, look,
- {Bones crunch}
- -Ow! See?
- -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
- -I'll get the firewood.
- -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any
- toes! I think I need a hug.
- -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
- -Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.
- -No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
- -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I
- make a mean weedrat stew.
- {Chuckling}
- {Sighs}
- -I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
- {Gulps}
- -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind
- of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.
- {Chuckles}
- -I'd like that.
- {Slurps, laughs}
- See the pyramids along the Nile
- -Um, Princess?
- Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
- -Yes, Shrek?
- -I, um, I was wondering.
- Just remember, darling all the while
- -Are you- -
- You belong to me
- {Sighs}
- -Are you gonna eat that?
- {Chuckles}
- -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
- -Sunset?
- -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.
- -What?
- -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,
- aren't you?
- -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
- -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until
- - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
- {Shrek sighs}
- -Good night.
- -Good night.
- {Door creaks}
- -Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.
- -Oh, what are you talkin' about?
- -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
- And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.
- -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
- -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in
- and tell her how you feel.
- -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,
- well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a
- princess, and I'm - -
- -An orge?
- -Yeah. An orge.
- -Hey, where you goin'?
- -To get... move firewood.
- {Sighs}
- -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
- {Wings fluttering}
- -Princess?
- {Creaking}
- {Gasps}
- -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
- {Screams}
- -Aah!
- -Oh, no!
- -No, help!
- -Shh!
- -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
- -No, it's okay. It's okay.
- -What did you do with the princess?
- -Donkey, I'm the princess.
- -Aah!
- -It's me, in this body.
- -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?
- -Donkey!
- -Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!
- -No!
- -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
- -Shh.
- -Shrek!
- -This is me.
- {Muffled mumbling}
- -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.
- -I'm ugly, okay?
- -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats
- was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -
- -No.
- -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.
- -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
- -It's only happens when sun goes down.
- "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you
- find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."
- -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
- -It's a spell.
- {Sighs}
- -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I
- become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to
- await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry
- Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.
- {Sobs}
- -All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
- that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look
- like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
- -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant
- to look.
- -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?
- -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.
- -But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you
- got a lot in common.
- -Shrek?
- -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for
- me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
- pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might
- like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -
- -
- {Sighs}
- -I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
- -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I
- mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?
- "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here
- with Shrek.
- {Gasps}
- -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
- {Deep sigh}
- -Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only
- way to break the spell.
- -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
- -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
- -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
- -Promise you won't tell. Promise!
- -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know
- before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.
- -Look at my eye twitchin'.
- {Door opens}
- {Snoring}
- -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.
- -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -
- {Snoring}
- -Shrek. Are you all right?
- -Perfect! Never been better.
- -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.
- -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last
- night.
- -You heard what I said?
- -Every word.
- -I thought you'd understand.
- -Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly
- beast?"
- -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
- -Yeah? Well, it does.
- {Gasps, sighs}
- -Ah, right on time.
- {Horse whinnies}
- -Princess, I've brought you a little something.
- {Fanfare}
- {Yawns}
- -What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
- {Muffled}
- -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.
- -Princess Fiona.
- -As promised. Now hand it over.
- -Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.
- -Take it and go before I change my mind.
- -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I
- have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.
- -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.
- {Snaps fingers}
- -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.
- -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the
- orge. It's not like it has feelings.
- -No, you're right. It doesn't.
- -Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in
- marriage.
- {Gasps}
- -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
- -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -
- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
- -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun
- sets.
- -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's
- so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest
- list. Captain, round up some guests!
- -Fare-thee-well, orge.
- -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.
- -Yeah? So what?
- -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to
- her last night, She's - -
- -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?
- Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?
- -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
- -I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!
- My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,
- pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
- -But I thought - -
- -Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!
- -Shrek.
- I heard there was a secret chord
- That David played and it pleased the Lord
- But you don't really care for music, do ya
- It goes like this the fourth, the fifth
- The minor fall the major lift
- The baffled king composing hallelujah
- Hallelujah, hallelujah
- Baby, I've been here before
- I know this room I've walked this floor
- I used to live alone before I knew you
- I've seen your flag on the marble arch
- But love is not a victory march
- It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
- Hallelujah, hallelujah
- And all I ever learned from love
- Is how to shoot at someone
- Who outdrew you
- {Moaning}
- And it's not a cry you can hear at night
- It's not somebody who's seen the light
- It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
- {Moaning}
- Hallelujah, hallelujah
- {Thumping sound}
- -Donkey?
- {Grunts}
- -What are you doing?
- -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see
- one.
- -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not
- through it.
- -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.
- -Oh! Your half. Hmm.
- -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I
- get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks
- like your head.
- -Back off!
- -No, you back off.
- -This is my swamp!
- -Our swamp.
- -Let go, Donkey!
- -You let go.
- -Stubborn jackass!
- -Smelly orge.
- -Fine!
- -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
- -Well, I'm through with you.
- -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess
- what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are
- mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!
- You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
- -Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
- -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!
- -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in
- the back!
- -Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your
- own feelings.
- -Go away!
- -There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she
- ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
- -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of
- you talking.
- -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody
- else.
- -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
- -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.
- Right? Right?
- -Donkey!
- -No!
- -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?
- {Sighs}
- -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you
- forgive me?
- -Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
- -Right. Friends?
- -Friends.
- -So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
- -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?
- -The wedding! We'll never make it in time.
- -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I
- have a way.
- {Whistles}
- -Donkey?
- -I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
- {Laughing}
- -Aw, come here, you.
- -All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.
- All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install
- the seat belts yet.
- -Whoo!
- {Bells tolling}
- {All gasping}
- -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....
- -Um-
- -of our new king - -
- -Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?
- {Chuckling}
- -Go on.
- -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
- that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't
- you?
- -What are you talking about?
- -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak
- now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"
- -I don't have time for this!
- -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this
- woman, don't you?
- -Yes.
- -You wanna hold her?
- -Yes.
- -Please her?
- -Yes!
- -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that
- romantic crap!
- -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
- -We gotta check it out.
- -And so, by the power vested in me,
- -What do you see?
- -The whole town's in there.
- -I now pronounce you husband and wife,
- -They're at the altar.
- -king and queen.
- -Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
- -Oh, for the love of Pete!
- {Grunts}
- -I object!
- -Shrek?
- {Gasps}
- -Oh, now what does he want?
- -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.
- Very clean.
- -What are you doing here?
- -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but
- showing up uninvited to a wedding - -
- -Fiona! I need to talk to you.
- -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll
- excuse me - -
- -But you can't marry him.
- -And why not?
- -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.
- -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
- -He's not your true love.
- -And what do you know about true love?
- -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
- -Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!
- Oh, good Lord.
- {Crowd laughting}
- -An orge and a princess!
- -Shrek, is this true?
- -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away
- from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
- -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.
- {Whimpers}
- {Crown gasping}
- -Well, uh, that explains a lot.
- -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of
- my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
- -No, no!
- -Shrek!
- -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that
- makes me king! See? See?
- -No, let go of me! Shrek!
- -No!
- -Don't just stand there, you morons.
- -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
- -I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and
- quartered!
- -You'll beg for death to save you!
- -No, Shrek!
- -And as for you, my wife,
- -Fiona!
- -I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!
- -I'm king!
- {Whistles}
- -I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!
- -Aah!
- -All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to
- use it.
- {Roars}
- -I'm a donkey on the edge!
- {Belches}
- -Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
- {Cheering}
- -Go ahead, Shrek.
- -Uh, Fiona?
- -Yes, Shrek?
- -I - - I love you.
- -Really?
- -Really, really.
- - I love you too.
- -Aawww!
- -"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true
- form."
- -"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."
- -Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
- -Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
- -But you ARE beautiful.
- {Chuckles}
- -I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
- I thought love was only true in fairy tales
- Oy!
- Meant for someone else but not for me
- Love was out to get me
- That's the way it seemed
- Disappointment haunted all my dreams
- And then I saw her face
- Now I'm a believer and not a trace
- Of doubt in my mind
- I'm in love
- Ooh-aah
- I'm a believer I couldn't leave her
- If I tried
- -God bless us, every one.
- Come on, y'all!
- Then I saw her face
- Ha-ha
- Now I'm a believer
- Listen!
- Not a trace
- Of doubt in my mind
- I'm in love
- Ooh-aah
- I'm a believer
- I couldn't leave her if I tried
- -Ooh!
- -Uh!
- Then I saw her face
- Now I'm a believer
- Hey!
- Not a trace
- Uhh! Yeah.
- Of doubt in my mind
- -One more time!
- I'm in love
- I'm a believer
- Come on!
- I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,
- I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey
- Y'all sing it with me!
- I
- Believe
- I believe
- People in the back!
- I believe
- I'm a believer
- I believe
- I believe
- I believe
- I believe
- {Hysterical laughing}
- -Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.
- -I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
- I believe in self-assertion
- Destiny or a slight diversion
- Now it seems I've got my head on straight
- I'm a freak an apparition
- Seems I've made the right decision
- To try to turn back now it might be too late
- Now I want to stay home today
- Don't wanna go out
- If anyone comes to play
- Gonna get thrown out
- I wanna stay home today
- Don't want no company
- No way
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
- I wanna be a millionaire someday
- But know what it feels like to give it away
- Watch me march to the beat of my own drum
- And it's off to the moon and then back again
- Same old day Same situation
- My happiness rears back as if to say
- I wanna stay home today
- Don't wanna go out
- If anyone comes to play
- Gonna get thrown out
- I wanna stay home today
- Don't want no company
- No way
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
- I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........
- I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes
- My heart skips a beat
- Girl, I feel so alive
- Please tell me, baby, if all this is true
- 'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you
- Oh-oh-oh
- Makes me wanna dance
- Oh-oh-oh
- It's a new romance
- Oh-oh-oh
- I look into your eyes
- Oh-oh-oh
- The best years of our lives
- When we first met
- I could hardly believe
- The things that would happen
- and we could achieve
- So let's be together
- for all of our time
- Oh, girl, I'm so thankful
- that you are still mine
- You always consider me
- like an ugly duckling
- And treat me like a Nostradamus
- was why I had to get my shine on
- I break a little something
- to keep my mind on
- 'Cause you had my mind gone
- Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh
- Turn the lights on, Come on, baby
- Let's just rewind the song
- 'Cause all I want to do is
- make the rest years the best years
- All night long
- Oh-oh-oh
- Makes me wanna dance
- Makes me wanna dance
- Oh-oh-oh
- It's a new romance
- It's a new romance
- Oh-oh-oh
- I look into your eyes
- Oh, yeah, yeah
- I look into your eyes
- Oh-oh-oh
- The best years of our lives
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............
- Everything looks bright
- Standing in your light
- Everything feels right
- What's left is out of sight
- What's a girl to do
- I'm telling you
- You're on my mind
- I wanna be with you
- 'Cause when you're
- standin' next to me
- It's like wow
- And all your kisses
- seem to set me free
- It's like wow
- And when we touch
- it's such a rush
- I can't get enough
- It's like- - It's like
- Ooh-ooh
- Hey, what
- It's like wow
- Ooh-ooh, hey
- Hey, yeah
- It's like wow
- Everything is looking
- right now, right now
- It's like wow
- And I got this feeling
- This feeling
- it's just like wow
- It's just like wow
- You are all I'm thinking of.
- Like wow
- Everything feels right
- Everything feels right
- Like wow
- Everything looks bright
- All my senses are right
- Like wow
- Everything feels right
- Baby, baby, baby
- the way I'm feeling you
- Is like wow
- There is something
- that I see
- In the way
- you look at me
- There's a smile
- There's a truth
- In your eyes
- What an unexpected way
- On this unexpected day
- Could it be
- This is where I belong
- It is you I have loved
- All long
- There's no more mystery
- It is finally clear to me
- You're the home
- my heart's searched for
- So long
- It is you I have loved
- All long
- Whoa, over and over
- I'm filled with emotion
- As I look
- Into your perfect face
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