Alp Adventures - Chapter 1

~Some weeks prior to "The Undickening"~

	My story begins as a spry young lad growing up in a small coastal village. A loveable scamp and his faithful lackey companion.
"Lackey?" Despite my childish mischief I was adored by the simple townsfolk. "Adored, huh? Your older sisters would constantly pick on you until you'd come crying to me. And if I remember right, you kept stealing so much shit the town threatened to throw you to the mermaids." But the tiny burg could not contain my wandering spirit, no sir. So when I came of age I bid farewell to my hometown to take up the adventuring life with my childhood lackey in tow. Oh how I remember the tears of loved ones as they wished me well on my journeys. "You're parents kicked your ass out and told you to get a job. And the only one that cried was your little sister. What was it she said? Try not to get eaten by a lamia? And stow that 'lackey' bullshit. You've been following me."
	I heaved a heavy sigh and put down my pen and paper to face my childhood friend "You know, if you're going to nitpick about every detail I write, you're getting downgraded to flea infested dog." My companion rolled his eyes and went back to tending the small campfire and the nights meal. "You know, nobody is going to read your crap. How about this? Why don't you write about the time we found that mimic in the dungeon." The memory that called forth made me groan. "N-nobody would want to read that." He made no attempt to even hide his amusement while stirring the pot of rice. "Oh I would. I'm sure you remember it quite well. Considering I had to pull you out of the mimics chest and she ended up pulling your pants off." The bastard started chuckling. "Six miles back to town with your ass in the breeze. Oh! And the looks you got once we got back into town. Fucking priceless."
	Finally having enough of the abuse I balled up my paper and tossed it into the fire. "Fine, no more writing! Stupid idea anyway." Still laughing at my expense, my childhood friend handed me a bowl of rice. "You know if you, I dunno, actually trained a bit like me we wouldn't keep having such a low success rate on these missions and we'd actually have some money." I groaned at the idea while blowing on a spoonful of rice. "Please, you're the sword guy, I'm the dashing and stealthy rogue." He made an audible snort while eating his food. "Sorry to break it to you man, but I doubt you could sneak past blind cyclops." Being the better man that I am, I kept my silence for a moment while finishing my meal. Setting aside my bowl I pointed a finger theatrically at him and gave a broad grin "Oh ho! We shall see who is the sneakiest of us when you wake up with a dick drawn on your forehead." He waved a hand dismissively at me and started gathering up the cooking utensils. But after a step he immediately fell face first into ground.
	"Dude, lay off the sauce." I began to stand up myself only to end up the same way. The hell? I can't move. I can't even talk. The fuck is going on? Before I had a chance to understand what exactly was happening, a rustling sound came from up in the tree next to the campsite followed by the sound of flapping wings. Out of the corner of my eye that wasn't looking at sod a menacing figure strode up to the light of the campfire, illuminating itself and revealing it to be a rather scantily clad, spiky blonde-headed succubus. She made a...rather fabulous pose, baring a wide, fanged grin as she pointed to herself with a thumb and let out a loud laugh "GAHAHAHA~! I'll bet you're both wondering why you have a face full of grass right now eh? It was ME! Mio!" As the light seemed to grow darker and my eyes closed, a single thought ran through my mind. "Laaaaaaaaaaame."